In recent years, whenever I feel I am losing my sense of self-worth, I would always end up watching “Joy Luck Club”. This is so I will not start losing myself again, especially after everything it took me to become who I am – more confident, higher self-esteem, more discerning.
I remember Rose’s scene very well in that show. Before she and Ted got together, she was a modern, outspoken woman. She told him she knew who he was, that she wanted to get to know him, that was why she baked him his favourite pie. And he was surprised and impressed that she was a smart lady who held her own opinion. Then she said, “I did not say that to impress you”, to which he replied, “That’s why it did.”
But after they got together and married, all of a sudden, she became a shadow of her former self. She felt herself unworthy, that his opinions mattered, that her own opinions would never matter. She gave up a lot of her own things for him, without telling him, and just ensured his affairs were running smoothly.
She thought she was showing her love by doing that, but he became bored with her, and finally asked for divorce in the end. After that, she still baked him his favourite pie when he said he was coming by the house to tell her how to split their matrimonial assets. It was as if she no longer had any opinion of her own.
Finally, after her mother asked her, “How much are you worth?” and shared with her how women always think they were not worth much until it was too late, that she finally came to her senses and her fighting spirit came back. She told Ted, “You are not taking my house, you are not taking my daughter. Get out of my house.”
That was an unforgettable scene. Rose finally discovered herself, and in Ted’s eyes, one finally saw a glimmer of hope that at last, he had his wife back. For that, they got back together. At least in the movie. In the book they separated and Rose officiated the divorce.
I guess for people of my heritage, it seems to be in our blood, especially for women, to feel they are not good enough to love a man, so if the man is willing to be with her, that is all that matters, no matter how badly treated she is. To many women, being in a “wrong” relationship is better than not being in one.
The Western context is different from the Asian context. I have learnt so many times that men here still do not like a woman being too outspoken and opinionated, as they think she will control him. But I have always emphasized that an outspoken and opinionated woman can also be submissive and attentive to the husband without controlling him.
Which was why I used to be quieter and more submissive. I thought by giving in and pandering to his whims and fancies, he would appreciate me. But he took me more for granted. It took me years to figure that I do deserve better, that if the man could not see that, he is not worth my time!
In any case, I believe if the man truly and sincerely want to be with me, he will accept me whole heartedly, my stubbornness, outspoken and opinionated ways, my temper and bitchiness. So here’s to Amy Tan, for being my inspiration, and the inspiration for all Chinese women across the globe!
I remember Rose’s scene very well in that show. Before she and Ted got together, she was a modern, outspoken woman. She told him she knew who he was, that she wanted to get to know him, that was why she baked him his favourite pie. And he was surprised and impressed that she was a smart lady who held her own opinion. Then she said, “I did not say that to impress you”, to which he replied, “That’s why it did.”
But after they got together and married, all of a sudden, she became a shadow of her former self. She felt herself unworthy, that his opinions mattered, that her own opinions would never matter. She gave up a lot of her own things for him, without telling him, and just ensured his affairs were running smoothly.
She thought she was showing her love by doing that, but he became bored with her, and finally asked for divorce in the end. After that, she still baked him his favourite pie when he said he was coming by the house to tell her how to split their matrimonial assets. It was as if she no longer had any opinion of her own.
Finally, after her mother asked her, “How much are you worth?” and shared with her how women always think they were not worth much until it was too late, that she finally came to her senses and her fighting spirit came back. She told Ted, “You are not taking my house, you are not taking my daughter. Get out of my house.”
That was an unforgettable scene. Rose finally discovered herself, and in Ted’s eyes, one finally saw a glimmer of hope that at last, he had his wife back. For that, they got back together. At least in the movie. In the book they separated and Rose officiated the divorce.
I guess for people of my heritage, it seems to be in our blood, especially for women, to feel they are not good enough to love a man, so if the man is willing to be with her, that is all that matters, no matter how badly treated she is. To many women, being in a “wrong” relationship is better than not being in one.
The Western context is different from the Asian context. I have learnt so many times that men here still do not like a woman being too outspoken and opinionated, as they think she will control him. But I have always emphasized that an outspoken and opinionated woman can also be submissive and attentive to the husband without controlling him.
Which was why I used to be quieter and more submissive. I thought by giving in and pandering to his whims and fancies, he would appreciate me. But he took me more for granted. It took me years to figure that I do deserve better, that if the man could not see that, he is not worth my time!
In any case, I believe if the man truly and sincerely want to be with me, he will accept me whole heartedly, my stubbornness, outspoken and opinionated ways, my temper and bitchiness. So here’s to Amy Tan, for being my inspiration, and the inspiration for all Chinese women across the globe!
2 comments:
I totally agree with your last para. If a man truly loves you, he'll accept you 100%, warts and all.
But unfortunately finding such a guy is like finding a needle in a haystack!
Haha.. I agree that finding such a man is like looking for a needle in a haystack. However, there are some women who have men at their beck and call without complaints. Which makes me wonder, these men always belong to other women, so maybe that's why I can never find someone like that!
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