My mood has been down for a long time now. It is rather unusual, even for me. I have not been in a good mood for more than a month now. I still feel internally conflicted, sappy, depressed. I start crying over shows and music. That is odd, considering I have been relatively calm and "devoid of emotions" for quite a while now.
I tried numbing myself by reading, indulging in the new discs I bought, listening to music. I shut my mind away from romance novels, and started reading Dan Brown for the suspense and excitement in breaking the crytographer's code, but when the antagonist died, I cried. I should rejoice, yet I cried. Dan Brown is not exactly the kind of books that make one cry.
Then I wanted to watch discs, so I shut my mind to all the romance, romantic comedies and whatever that would make me cry, and started on action. Bourne trilogy, Batman and Dark Knight. Yet I still cried. These are not the kind of shows that people cry over, unlike "The Notebook" or "Titanic". But for some reason I just cried.
And I started listening to music. I shut my mind to all the CDs which I wanted to listen to (again), and just tuned to Power 98. Yet even those songs made me feel down. Power 98 is not the kind of station that plays sentimental and oldies, not like Class 95 or Gold 90.5. So I have no idea why I would feel down.
Something is seriously wrong with me. It is not as if I have been through any form of drama lately. As far as I have been explicit, my life has been pretty normal. It has been pretty normal for more than two years now. Maybe that is the problem - too normal, that it has become boring? That I feel empty, hence all the depression? I have to get my act back together before I suffer another massive breakdown!
I tried numbing myself by reading, indulging in the new discs I bought, listening to music. I shut my mind away from romance novels, and started reading Dan Brown for the suspense and excitement in breaking the crytographer's code, but when the antagonist died, I cried. I should rejoice, yet I cried. Dan Brown is not exactly the kind of books that make one cry.
Then I wanted to watch discs, so I shut my mind to all the romance, romantic comedies and whatever that would make me cry, and started on action. Bourne trilogy, Batman and Dark Knight. Yet I still cried. These are not the kind of shows that people cry over, unlike "The Notebook" or "Titanic". But for some reason I just cried.
And I started listening to music. I shut my mind to all the CDs which I wanted to listen to (again), and just tuned to Power 98. Yet even those songs made me feel down. Power 98 is not the kind of station that plays sentimental and oldies, not like Class 95 or Gold 90.5. So I have no idea why I would feel down.
Something is seriously wrong with me. It is not as if I have been through any form of drama lately. As far as I have been explicit, my life has been pretty normal. It has been pretty normal for more than two years now. Maybe that is the problem - too normal, that it has become boring? That I feel empty, hence all the depression? I have to get my act back together before I suffer another massive breakdown!
2 comments:
I fully empathize with the overwhelming power of melancholic emotions. It is something I have struggled with over the past few (many?) years. The funny thing is that I never used to be like this. I always considered myself quite happy and content - at least until age 36, then it started to spiral downward until was 39, when I seemed to come out of it, but head into a nihilistic period.
I find myself too easily drawn into feelings of melancholy and loneliness - and I hate it.
Today, I went with the kids to see "Up". It was a very nice movie, but I would recommend seeing it in 2D instead of 3D to save a few bucks (and you won't lose anything in seeing it as a "flat" movie). Anyway, it made me cry - several times, the kind of quiet tears one sheds when feeling sentimental. There is a very strong romantic story in it at the beginning, filled with warmth and hopes and dreams and setbacks, followed by the desire to fulfill a dream.
It was nothing as I would have imagined from the trailer.
I don't know how to counsel you, becaus eI cannot even counsel myself. The only thing I notice seems to help me is to do things. And I don't do enough of that. Let's face it, sometimes it is hard to do something, especially when all we want is for someone to do something for us. To bring us a bowl of chicken soup, not because they know we need it, but precisely because they don't know if we need it or not, but they care enough to check on us.
It was funny, and probably not something a man should admit to, but, during a melancholic period in lasting during the months of October and November 2007, what I wanted, what I needed, the only way I could express what I felt was that I wanted to feel pretty. I never felt that way before.
Maybe it is mid-life crisis. Maybe I am finally going through the teenage angst I never experienced.
Be confident in youself and don't be afraid to stand your ground. It can be hard, it can be lonely, but as an Ojibwe saying goes: "The brave walk in single file, the coward in crowds."
I agreed with Richard. There will be a phase in life where one will feel that way. Sometimes we are too caught up in corporate rat race that we forget to slow down & smell the flowers.
I left the corporate world last year and the transition period ain't easy cos I don't know who I was anymore not to mention certain emotions and I thought I was depressed.
I just got back from outstation and attended church when I see family gathered together. Here I am, coming back to my four wall, alone and how I wish I am back at hometown celebrating Father's Day with my Dad & family. I feel a bit emo too but told myself it's ok to cry cos I am human and I do have feelings :)
Don't worry my dear friend, just acknowledge how you feel and let God knows. He will wipe away your tears & fill your heart with joy.
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