A Cleaning Lady To Be ....

And this shall be my new title at work. I have done nothing but cleaning the storeroom and the storage room to make way for new and existing documents. It is not just cleaning, but sorting, categorising, boxing, mopping, vacuuming, dusting...

Now all I need is the black and white maid uniform with the white cap and a towel or feather duster, and I will be all set! I have to constantly remind myself that I enjoy my work, despite all the labour I had to do....

Planting A Tree

I just got back my second assignment, and it was a disaster! :-( Hopefully the assignment I just submitted could help to pull my grades up a bit, otherwise this module will be a disaster as well! Perhaps it is my fault, for studying subjects like this that have no right or wrong answers. Maybe if I am more mathematically or scientifically inclined, perhaps I can do much better, since there is a higher chance of having a perfect score.

I was involved in the Corporate Tree Planting event organised by my company last week. This was to commemorate Earth Day, and we were supposed to plant about fifty trees (or more) throughout the year. So, a group of us went to one of the nature parks one afternoon and participated in the tree planting.

Firstly, we were briefed on the type of trees native to the island. We were even given handouts indicating the names of the trees and their features. Then, we were instructed on the steps to tree-plating, ie digging, breaking the soil, putting the tree in, covering up. Apparently, the young trees were taken from somewhere else, with the roots covered in soil, and transferred to the spot(s) where they were to be planted.

I proceeded on the digging of the hole first with the hoe provided. The hole had to be about one and a half metres deep. Whilst digging, my hoe hit a lot of old roots and gigantic red ants started crawling out! Eeeeeeeek! The soil was still damp, and I could never imagine the things that got buried inside! Luckily there were no centipedes or earthworms!

After the hole had been dug, we waited for the trees to arrive. They came via a big lorry, the roots wrapped in plastic. I chose a tree and started tearing out the plastic. Since the tree was very heavy, I dragged it across the ground instead of carrying it. But when I came to my hole, the tree was too big to be put inside.

We were then told to break away the soil covering the roots to make the tree fit. So I started breaking away the soil with my hoe. I had to break away a sizeable chunk before my tree could finally be planted into the hole. The next step was to cover up the hole with the soil which we dug out.

So we took the smaller shovel and started covering the hole, making sure that the tree was firmly planted and vertical. After covering the hole, we had to flatten the soil, water the tree and the soil around it for it to grow, then leave out mark on the tree.

First time in my life I planted a tree! Although it was nothing much, but it was a good and enriching experience all the same. But after this attempt, the conclusion is that I can never be a gardener!

The "Right" (Or "Wrong") Person ....

Another "long" absence, not by choice. There were simply too many things going on that I had no time nor mood nor inclination to write anything. My mood for the past couple of weeks ranged from one of frustration to anger to stress to irritation. When I am in this mood where I feel like killing people on sight, I am in no other mood to do anything else. Plus, I had a bad bout of flu which kept me ill for a week or so.

Needless to say, a lot of things had happened in just a matter of ten days or so. Sometimes I wish my life can be less dramatic, then I will have less heartache and hurts. I embrace the simple life anytime, anywhere! How I wish I can just drop everything and go somewhere with the one I love, take on a new identity and start anew in another planet where no one knows us. But that is only wishful thinking on my part, as no matter how committed and ready I am, a relationship does not function on being one-sided. One cannot love to order, and rather than hoping for a miracle, sometimes I have to be the one to make the decision on whether it is worth continuing.

I had dinner with my best friend last week. It was to celebrate her birthday-cum-engagement. Yes, she is getting married. Finally! I feel so happy for her, as she deserves to be with a truly worthy guy who truly loves her, after her couple of failed relationships with guys who do not deserve her. Her fiance and her are awaiting their choice of flat, which will be across the island to near where the border is. Now she is leaving me too! :-(

No longer will I have a close friend who stays close by and where we can meet up near both our homes, especially after my second relationship ended. I will be all alone now! Although she promised to bring me flat viewing with them after they got the flat, but I simply cannot bear thinking that whenever I visit her in the future, I have to travel more than an hour across the island!

Upon reflecting on how my best friend and her fiance's relationship developed, I cannot help thinking how does one know if the person is "right" for you? I used to think that I will know when I met the right one, but now I am not sure anymore. Someone who seems "right" in the beginning may not be "right" later on. People are different and no one is perfect, so there will always have to be compromise, giving and taking, tolerance, acceptance.

But when is the compromise and tolerance, tolerable? When will the acceptance become unacceptable? How do you know you can really get along? How do you know this person is the right one for you to foresee a future with him / her? Is it your problem then if you find that you are unable to accept certain aspects of your partner? Should you then be more compromising and understanding?

I asked around amongst my friends, those who are in healthy relationships and good marriages, and they gave me a variety of answers. Some said that having similar interests work for them, as they can do things together. Some said they have different interests, but they compromise and accompany each other. Some said they have common goals and values and similar visions for the future. Some are more "perfect", as in they have similar interests, goals and values and visions for the future.

The conclusion? I still cannot find the "perfect" answer to my question. Sometimes I wonder is it because my expectations are too high? Is it because my criteria is unattainable? Should I lower my standards then? The truth is that I have accepted people who do not meet all the criteria, about 70%, but in the end the relationship became one of more misery than happiness. The one and only person who met 90% of what I am looking for is the one who gave me more happiness than misery in the relationship, although in the end I probably did not meet his own criteria. The one and only person who actually met all my criteria did not accept me in the end.

So shall I then accept anyone who shows potential albeit a bit off? Or shall I still continue looking for the person who can meet 90% or more? What if I cannot get the best; shall I then settle for second best, or anyone whom I can get along with? I never believe in changing a person into whom I like, because if the person is not like this, he is not likely to change. But in this case, is it my problem then if I find that I cannot accept certain aspects? If I get frustrated over things he do which I cannot adhere to? Shall I then be the one to change and be more tolerant and understanding?

Good Year For Shakespere .... And Music

This is a great year for cultural activities! There are so many upcoming events which seem to be better than previous years! Shakespeare's plays are getting more active this year, not to mention classic icons that have withstood the test of time.

Upcoming on my list are :

1. Alan Tam 30th Anniversary Concert - Saturday 28th April 2007, 7:30pm, Expo Max Pavilion

2. A Midsummer Night's Dream - Thursday 10th May 2007, 7:30pm, Fort Canning Park

3. Macbeth - Friday 25th May 2007, 8:00pm, DBS Arts Centre

4. Jacky Cheung World Tour 2007 - Friday 13th July 2007, 8:00pm, Indoor Stadium

5. King Lear (by the Royal Shakespeare Company, starring Sir Ian McKellan) - Thursday 19th July 2007, 8:00pm, Esplanade Theatre

6. The Seagull (a play by Anton Chekhov, also by the Royal Shakespeare Company) - Sunday 22nd July 2007, 2:00pm, Esplanade Theatre

7. Hey Figaro! The Barber of Seville (by the Singapore Lyric Opera) - Friday 27th July 2007, 8:00pm, Esplanade Theatre

8. The King And I - Monday 6th August 2007, 8:00pm, Esplanade Theatre

9. Engelbert Humperdinck 40th Anniversary Tour - Saturday 25th August 2007, 8:00pm, Indoor Stadium

Looks like this island is moving towards its goal of being an Arts hub very soon!

Am I A Feminist?

You Are 80% Feminist

You are certainly a feminist - whether you know it or not. You believe in gender equality, at least most of the time. You also believe there are a few exceptions.

Are You a Feminist?

It was my brother who sent me the feminist link. From there, I tried out a few more. And some answers really surprised me....

You Are Kermit

Hi, ho! Lovable and friendly, you get along well with everyone you know. You're a big thinker, and sometimes you over think life's problems. Don't worry - everyone know's it's not easy being green. Just remember, time's fun when you're having flies!

The Muppet Personality Test

Kermit the Frog? So I am green!

Your Depression Level: 72%

You seem to have moderate depression. Your symptoms are bad enough that they're effecting your everyday life. You would benefit greatly from professional help.

Are You Depressed?

Very true for this!

You Are Quite Worldly

You've done a good bit of worldly exploring, and you have an international perspective. And you're definitely looking forward to your future adventures abroad. You've got the passport, the desire to travel, and maybe even the language skills. Now all you need are the means!

How Worldly Are You?

The True You

You want your girlfriend or boyfriend to be more open with you. With respect to money, you spend as little as possible. You think good luck depends on maintaining good relationships with others. The hidden side of your personality tends to be methodical in your ways - with trouble adapting to the rules of society. You have a tendency to overdo things, but basically you value your friendships highly. When it comes to finding a romantic partner, you base your search on information from your friends.

Who's The True You?

Hmmmmm.....

The Part of You That No One Sees

You are passionate, romantic, and emotional. You put love first in your life, even though you have often been disappointed by it. You expect to be swept off your feet, and you never expect infatuation to die out. Underneath it all, you are scared that you aren't lovable. Your insecurity has ruined many relationships, as you are unable to see the love that's really there. You are secretly afraid of being alone. Confronting your insecurities is incredibly painful.

What's the Part of You That No One Sees?

Now, thought everyone sees this of me??

The Arena

So "The Arena" has ended, and the general public is not that happy with the verdict. I have not watched every episode, so I cannot comment if the judges are really impartial. But watching the series (as and when I was able to catch it) gave me a sense of deja vu as I was reminded of the time when I took part in debating competitions back in school.

I always find it fun to debate as one can gather so much more knowledge from the research we had to do, the facts we had to put together and the teamwork and cooperation everybody was involved in. That was when we had to really work in a team because we had to coordinate who would make the opening speech, the closing speech, how to bring our points across effectively without going into any personal attacks.

That was the period of time when I really learnt a lot about politics, current events, pressing issues around the world, how to improve our way of life. We got to debate on the problems teenagers and school kids face, whether there should be streaming, whether a polytechnic or junior college education was better. Even though I only took part in four debating competitions, (with surprise that I was Best Speaker once), I felt then that for the first time in my life, I actually learnt something from school other than just normal lessons.

Just a pity there does not seem to be any debates open to adults, only school kids and under graduates. I would so love to take part and relive my memories again!

Of Diaries And Journals

A few days back, I went with my colleague into a stationery shop. She is in charge of ordering and stock taking stationery for the entire office, but the regular suppliers were not able to come in this week, and some of the staff need stationery urgently, so we went to get the items requested. While browsing, I came across a few thick blank books with lines so I bought them to use as diaries.

I keep telling myself once my diary has finished, I want to migrate everything online and continue as a private blog, for my eyes only. But when I saw the blank books, I could not help it and just bought them. Afterall, typing everything is not the same as actual writing. Somehow I feel more indifferent typing because it is just like doing normal work, be it assignments or office work. Whereas if I use a pen and start writing, I get more emotionally involved, sometimes my tears will come and leave blots on the pages, my handwriting will range from cursive to typeset (depending on my mood and how fast my train of thoughts are), and the pressure on the pen will range from hard to soft, also depending on how my mood is, and I can doodle on the pages, whenever I feel like drawing anything.

Or maybe I am just a traditionalist who still feels most comfortable with traditional methods. That is why I never keep up with anything new. It is only recently I started having a mobile phone that is more advanced, get a laptop, install a webcam, and even my digital camera and MP3 player is about a couple of generations behind. With all the movie and series and music downloads, I still choose to go to the movies, watch the telly and listen to CDs and radio shows. People will wonder how old I really am!

But anyway, back to my diaries. The reason I get more journals simply can be I am still not ready to migrate everything online. So the next question is, what is my blog for? Good question. As it is, my blog is also like another diary of sorts, although of course real private and intimate details are in my diary, where I can really write without reserve. My blog is like an extension of me, where I rave and rant, but my diary is simply where I note down all the things which are not convenient to be made in cyberspace.

So there. Two different types of journals catering to two different types of writing. Whereas in my blog, I have to be more wary of what I write, although many can see I write without much reserve too, and I have to edit to get the proper grammar and phrases, but in my diary, I can just let go. I do not care about spelling or punctuation or grammar, or even vulgarities, as it is just whatever that comes into my mind and my mood at that moment. My blog can be accessible by others, thus more impersonal to a certain extent, whereas my diary is really strictly for my eyes only, because certain passages may contain defamatory statements which will offend others.

How long will I continue like this? For the rest of my life I hope. I love writing, and nothing will ever make me give it up. One day when I am old and grey and senile, maybe I can look back on what I have written and wonder why in the world I did what I did.

Good Friday Reflections

Now every Good Friday, I remember my baptism and started reflecting on what I have done since then. There have been more sins than goodness, more struggles than smoothness. I never had a smooth journey in the first place, but I always thought once I get baptised, it would get smoother but I ended up with more struggles. Maybe it is a way of test so I would not take anything for granted.

I attended Mass in the morning, with the Stations of the Cross. Somehow, only during Good Friday and Christmas Midnight mass will the church be exceptionally full. It seems that anyone who never attends the regular Sunday masses will suddenly appear on Good Friday and Christmas midnight masses. But there are people who go to church only once or twice a year. That is not to say they do not behave in a good way. There are others who go to church every week, or more than once a week, showing such piousness, yet are the ones living the most sinful ways.

There have been people who condemn those who never attends church. Who are we to judge anyway? Does it mean to say that those who attend church regularly will go to Heaven and those who do not will go to Hell? Do our behavour not count for all? One can go to church so regularly but in the end doing all kinds of evil outside and living an un-Christian like way as possible. There are those who never go to church regularly but is always filled with goodness and love. Does it mean the former will then go to Heaven and the latter will burn in Hell?

I missed the Maundy Thursday Mass yesterday. Initially I thought there was a gathering but it was cancelled. Anyway, I stayed a bit late in the office to clear up some stuff amidst the renovation works going on. So I missed Mass. I feel bad for missing Mass, and said my own prayers. But at times I feel, as church-goers, do we have to go to every service? I am not saying we miss a service or Mass deliberately, but for working people or students, what if we miss church because of an urgent deadline? Or what if someone is in confinement after giving birth so is not allowed to step out of the house for a month or so? What if we are overseas for a while and missed the regular Masses as a result?

Every time the Easter weekend comes along, I always have so many questions, which no one can answer. Those pious ones will say that we have to go to church no matter what happens, even if we have to forsake our family outings, or grandparents or parents' birthday celebrations, or get fired from our jobs for not meeting deadlines, or even when we are overseas, we must find a church to go to when Sunday or other special occasion comes along. But in the reality of life, is it really possible to attend every single service or Mass, besides the regular Sunday ones? Will we then be condemned if we do not?

Have a great Easter weekend!

Timeless And Classic

What determines if an icon is considered as "timeless" or "classic"? The only definition I find remotely close is if the thing never goes out of fashion, that year after year, generation after generation still uses it, still looks up to it. Perhaps if something has truly survived generations, that really is timeless and classic indeed.

Just like watches. The Omega is considered timeless and classic. So is the Tag Heuer. They have been in existence for more than a hundred years, yet people still love them, still want to buy and wear them. They never seem to go out of style.

What about writing? Shakespeare is timeless and classic indeed. His books have survived for about five hundred years. Chaucer as well, considering his writings have survived for about seven hundred years now. The more "modern" writers like the Bronte sisters, Jane Austen, Charles Dickens, Oscar Wilde, their books have all survived up till now and still surviving. People still read them, because their writing is just so beautiful, and their stories are just so captivating.

There are many other examples of timeless and classical icons. Just like art pieces, those by Monet and Picasso. Movies like "Gone With The Wind" and "Casablanca". The Rodgers and Hammerstein's musicals. Mickey Mouse, Speedy Gonzales and Tom and Jerry. Even movie stars like Audrey Hepburn. And Mother Teresa.

Why, then, are certain things timeless and classic and others just fade into oblivion after a while? I really have no idea. I am still trying to figure that out. Why do some continue living on long after they have been gone? Is it the way they write, or paint, or look? Or is it because they achieved a breakthrough during their eras? Perhaps it is because they became so famous that people continued remembering them or promoting and recommending them long after they have gone. It really takes something to remain as a legacy.

Exclusive Clubs

Finally the packing is done! Also the scanning and sorting! Even as I write, my work place is being pulled apart. The last count we had thirty-one boxes for our whole department! Since we had to meet our trade mark lawyers for lunch today, we were dressed in suits, so we were the only clowns pushing and pulling and carrying boxes around dressed to the nines, when the rest of them, including our Chief Finance Officer, were dressed so casually in T-shirts and jeans or capris. Hopefully by the time we go back after this long weekend, it will be a brand new place.

We had lunch with our lawyers at the Tower Club, on top of Republic Plaza, where a good view of the entire Business District and the sea can be seen. This was the third time I was there, but the most enjoyable time. The first time I went there with my ex-boss and a few others, I was in a normal light blue blouse and skirt. The waitress took a look at me and told me that denim material was not allowed, in such a haughty tone.

I told her that it was light blue, but definitely NOT denim, even though the colour was faded blue that looked like denim. I was so embarrassed! It was the first time in my life that I was almost thrown out of anywhere because I was not dressed accordingly! And I had to sit through that awful lunch, hearing my ex-boss and colleagues talk about dress codes as if it was a direct hit at me!

Thus this time, I told my bosses that the place is rather sticky regarding dress code, so all of us ended up wearing suits. My bosses had on long-sleeved shirts and ties, whereas I had on a pantsuit with a tank top inside. And this time, no one even said anything to me!

Perhaps that is why I am never comfortable in all these exclusive clubs or restaurants. If I am to go anywhere to eat anything, I want to be comfortable and be left in peace instead of having eyes bearing into me from the way I look. I am not that bad a dresser in the first place, as I always dress according to occasion and venue, so it was really shameful to almost get thrown out of any place just because of the way I dress.

Apparently this is not the only place that is exclusive. The Cricket Club, even in this era, still disallows women from going in unescorted. So if any woman needs to have a lunch appointment there, she has to be accompanied by a male. Needless to say, the Club still does not allow women members, unless they become associate members when their husbands become members. I am not sure if the Singapore Recreation Club functions the same way, as only my dad and uncle are members, not my mum and aunt.

All these exclusivity only caters to the rich and famous, not to someone like me. Although it is a welcome change dining at a club, but I do not think I can ever be exclusive enough to be any from of member as I am not of that status. In any case, I do not wish to hang around with the rest of the exclusive people who look down on everyone else because of the way they dress or behave. People should not be judged and outcasted like this.

Pleasure To Pressure?

I sent an email to our Thailand counterpart, asking for a certain document I needed. And the reply?

"It is a pressure to hear from you. My pressure to send you the [name of document]. Please feel free to let me know if you need anything else. Always a pressure."

Hmmmm... wonder if I have said anything to cause them undue anguish??

All Kinds Of People Make Up The World

How true it is! The world is indeed made up of all kinds of people! One can see tall ones, short ones, round ones, long ones, skinny ones, plump ones. But the differences go beyond physical appearances; there are those arrogant ones who go about thinking the world of themselves, the humble ones who shun the limelight, the practical ones who think whatever others do come with a motive, and the really nice ones who sincerely do things for others without asking for anything back. Unfortunately, the last type always gets disillusioned by the third type who will forever be questioning anyone who is even remotely nice.

Honestly, can people not be nice without anyone questioning if they have any motives? Some people really go all out to do things for others, no matter who they are. You can call them busybodies or nosey parkers, but to me, if someone wants to be nice to me, I will allow it and not question. Afterall, it is already so rare to find someone who will be nice to anyone on his / her own accord without asking for anything back.

In this relatively short life I have, I have come across quite a number of people. Through observations, I realise that certain groups make up the most diversity of people. One is that of friends, another is sales assistants, another is cab drivers, yet another group is bosses. But all boil down to the same thing - all kinds of people exist, and it is possible to find every aspect of human nature in just any one group!

Of the friends I have (or rather, people I know but whom I will not really consider friends), there are kind ones, selfish ones, arrogant ones, fair-weathered ones, petty ones. True friends are indeed hard to come by. True friends are those who do not bear grudges even if we had a major disagreement the day before. Yet we can be talking again the next day. There are those kind ones who are willing to go all out to help me when I run into any problems. There are those selfish ones who disappear whenever I need help but who expect me to be at their beck and calls when they need help.

There are those arrogant ones who think the world of themselves and as long as they do not approve of what I do, they will start outcasting me. The worst are those petty ones who drop you after a disagreement, then pick on everything you do, tell tales about you, and start influencing your other friends to go against you. People think only women are capable of doing something like that; but in my experience, the girls I know never bear grudges; it is the guys who are even more petty and narrow-minded who bear grudges for life.

Sales assistants also make up the colourful aspect of life. There are those who greet you with a warm smile, who leave you alone to browse yet make themselves readily available when you run into a problem. There are those who chatter non-stop the moment you step into the store, recommending which ones you should get, when all you want is to be left in peace and browse on your own. Then there are those who judge you according to what you wear, what accessories you have on, and then act all nice and friendly when you dress like you own a million dollars, or totally ignore you when you dress like you cannot even afford the least expensive thing and you have no business in their store.

But the widest diversity of human behaviour can be seen in cab drivers. I have come across drivers who are chatty and friendly, and tell you about life and discuss politics and current affairs, drivers who are silent and solemn throughout that you fear they have fallen asleep at the wheel; drivers who are crude and rude and cuss every other driver who gets in his way and blames you for not telling him to go the other way when he chose to go that way in the first place; and drivers who are nice and friendly and chatty, yet drives like a lunatic and cuss at other drivers on the street.

It is interesting indeed when you meet people who make your life colourful. It makes my life less boring and mundane, and whenever I meet "interesting" people, I tell myself it is just another of those days and forget about it and not let anything negative affect me.

Knowing One's Worth

Profuse apologies for the rather long absence. I had no access to the internet the past few days, with my laptop still not internet-accessible, and my original computer being hauled for a makeover, and the constant scanning, packing and boxing at work. It is a wonder I still have the energy to stay up late the past few days! So please forgive me for this sudden flood of entries.

I came across a couple of extracts from the "Joy Luck Club" which I find rather meaningful :

1. Mother : You ask yourself why do you do this?

Daughter : I like being tragic, Ma. I learnt it from you.

Mother : You think you do this, he will be so sorry and come back to you, you are wrong. The more you do the more he will take you for granted. You are just like my mother, not knowing her worth until too late.

2. Mother : What do you want, from him, I mean?

Daughter : I don't know.... respect, tenderness, maybe.

Mother : Then tell him. Tell him now! And get out of this lopsided house! Never come back until he is ready and willing to give you those, with both arms open.

Daughter : I.... I can't....

Mother : Do not worry about losing him. It will be you who will be found."

And something from a radio show last week :

Girls can fake an orgasm, but guys can fake a relationship.

This holds true even in modern times. I do not know about guys because it seems like guys tend to think more with their heads than their hearts, so are more able to let go of a relationship that is no longer worth pursuing or holding on. In general, girls think more with their hearts instead, so they get more emotionally swayed, even if the guy is stringing her along.

Of all the unhealthy and broken relationships I have come across, in most cases, it is always the girl who is holding on, despite the guy taking her for granted and totally not deserving her. Out of ten girls and ten guys, eight out of ten girls and two out of ten guys will hold on and remain in a relationship like this. For the guys who hold on, in many cases, it can be that they are more obliging and just giving in to what the girl wants; but for the girls who hold on, it is because they fear they are not worthy for anyone, thus if they let go, their entire lives will come crumbling down and only proves what they thought of themselves - that they are useless and unworthy.

Dramatic as it is, scoff if you must, but it is true. After all, as the saying goes, the only flaw with women is that they do not know their worth. Women are capable of great love, especially the more emotional ones, so when they love, they really give their all. Nothing is too good for the one they love. Women go all out to protect who they love, sometimes to the extent of doing ridiculous and childish antics. Yet the more they love, the more distant the guy will become.

I always wonder why that is so? My mum told me that for a guy, if he finds it too easy to get a girl, he will lose interest fast. So being girls, we must hold back and remain more aloof, as the harder the conquest is, the more the guy will treasure. I used to think this is nonsense, but now I am not that sure. Human nature, being what it is, will always take for granted something that is too easy, whereas if we need to struggle to achieve, the "conquest" or achievement will be much better savoured.

When I hear of my friends' relationships, or see with my own eyes, it seems that those who got numerous rejections end up trying even harder and when they finally got the girl / guy, they are really into her / him. Whereas when I look back at my own case(s), it seemed I had been pretty easy. I am not those loose types that go with just any guy, but easy as in I never made it hard for the guys I had been in relationships with to woo me or be in a relationship with me. I had been friendly and enthusiastic, never aloof or distant.

It was the guy(s) who in the end became aloof and distant, and the more they behaved like this, the more I tried to get through to them, the more I was afraid of losing them, the more I felt I could not find anyone better. And each time whenever I had been told the relationship could not continue, I did even more, apologised profusely for not being good enough, tried to change for the better, begged for another chance, all so to keep the relationship going. Now that I come to think of it, I actually laugh at myself for resorting to all kinds of antics just to hold on to guys who probably never gave a damn about me in the first place!

Yes, I can see how foolish I can be, how blind love is. But the thing is despite the numerous times when you realise you have been foolish, you realise that whatever you do is not worth it if he does not appreciate you, in the end it all boils down to nothing once you fall head over heels in love again. Because you will start to lose yourself again, start doing the same things again.

It is not that I have not learnt my lesson, but somehow as a female, I cannot help feeling this way, or thinking this way, that my love is never good enough, that his love is better than mine, that I am not worthy, so being with someone who can accept me is already more than enough for me. Which is why women never know what they are worth, and it is a sad thing. The saddest thing is only a handful of guys will go all out to make a woman feels special; most will just take for granted and continue taking.

My Pen "Collection"

Finally I have submitted my essay on the Gladiators and Roman Colosseum. I do not think I will get a very good grade on that, but still, a paper with some content is much better than submitting a blank piece of paper altogether. I just hope I will not flunk too badly as I am really short of grades now.

It was a good thing I cleaned out my drawer the other day, or else I would never be able to find the nice gifts people had given me through the years. Each time when someone gave me something I would unwrap and then put them away carefully so as not to spoil or lose them. However through the years, things started accumulating and I had to re-organise everything all over again.

One of those things I managed to find was my entire pen "collection". Whenever I left any work place or birthday or Christmas comes along, someone or other would give me a pen. Not just any ordinary pen, but classic pens like Paper Mate, Parker, Waterman, Penelli, even Rotring. Thus, I ended up with several Paper Mate, Parker and Penelli ballpoint and roller ball pens, as well as several fountain pens from Parker, Waterman, Penelli and Sheaffer! Those are things I will really want as I write a lot, thus use up pens very fast.

Needless to say, it is the fountain pens which I like the most. Not only because they are old and classical, but also because they look nice and feel even nicer. At first, I was rather bewildered over the fountain pens as I wondered if anyone even uses fountain pens nowadays, but I realise that fountain pens are still popular and in use even in these modern days when anyone can get the less expensive ballpoint pens or felt pens anywhere.

So why the fountain pen? From what I found out, fountain pens are much easier and smoother to write with than ballpoint pens. Fountain pens are still much favoured by the elderly who cannot hold a pen properly, and by professionals for signing important documents as that will be more professional looking.

However, I have yet to figure out how to use a fountain pen. The few I have, Parker Frontier Fountain Pen (in translucent blue) and the Waterman Harmonie Fountain Pen (in black chrome trim) come with their own refillable catridges. The ink is smooth and flowy, and fountain pens really make an ordinary document look professional! Even in writing, be it a diary or article, the feel is just different when using a normal ballpoint pen and a fountain pen!

But the Sheaffer Agio Angle Brushed 22K Gold Plate Fountain Pen and the Penelli Pen comes with a converter for ink refill. Since I do not have any pots of ink, I have yet to start using the pens. Just when I was fretting to figure out how to use, I came across this website where I could order the entire fountain pen set consisting of refillable catridges, ink pots, blotter, and a guide to using fountain pens! Imagine that! It will be just like the good old days where fountain pens are the pens to write with!

How Did Revolutions Come About?

The Spain trip is off! The flight timings are very bad, so my mum decided not to proceed. :-( But we are in the midst of planning something better - a trip to Russia, complete with Moscow and St Petersburg! That will be so much better, as Russia will be a nicer place, with cooler climate even in the summer! I am keeping my fingers crossed we can go on the trip afterall, as after this period of being a scanner, photocopier and manual labourer with my marriage to Mr Xerox, I really need a break!

I attended a very enriching lecture on the French Revolution last night. I always thought the reason for the Revolution was because the French people were influenced by the American War of Independence, plus the peasants went hungry and got angry at the rich and nobles, so wanted more equality.

Hoowever, after the lecture, it seemed that it was a French philosopher (who was Swiss by birth) influenced the thinking of a French artist, who painted rather propaganda pictures with political sentiments, triggering off riots and revolutions, and the eventual guillotine of the royalty and nobles.

How did any revolution come about anyway? Is it because of poor government, administration and a messy Cabinet? Or is it being humans, once people get some form of education they start to become dissatisfied with life and the current state of affairs, so want to fight for something better? Do things really become better even after revolts? How many incidents do we know that things become better after a revolution? If anything, things probably become worse because of the tremendous bloodshed, and an even messier government administration.

Learning about all these scenes make me feel glad that at least I live in a secure place. Hopefully there will not be any revolution in the future!

A Feedback Session

I went for a feedback session for my couse earlier on. It was pretty interesting from the way the students reacted. Why is it each time I go for a feedback session, it turned into a complaint session? The feedback is on how to improve the school's policy and system, so why did people just say nothing except how difficult the assignments are, and if they were not able to do well for the assignment, their grades would be pulled down, and they would not score well?

What is the purpose of taking up a course in the first place? It is to upgrade and learn. Yet people become so result-driven that they lost the fun and enjoyment of actual learning, and only focused on how hard it is to meet their goals. Anyone who had ever gone through any form of tertiary studies will know how much of a struggle it is (except for those who are naturally smart and can score without much studying).

So why not just learn along the way, instead of complaining why the lecturers gave such hard work? When is studying never hard anyway? I find studying very hard too, and I do not mean just working hard, but literally difficult. No matter how much time you take to revise, in the end the results do not seem to show. Which is why I always admire those who think studying is just a breeze to them.

The Course Chair was saying that in order to make our learning more enriching, we had to take ten units of University Core. These are non-examinable and meant to help us in academic writing, thinking skills, analysing and better studying skills. How interesting! Obviously there were disgruntled groans from others who thought it a waste of time. If people take up a course just for results, then that is very sad indeed as in the end, everything is just focused on one aim and the entire process of learning is gone.

Of course, anyone who takes up any course aims to do well. That is a given. I aim to do well too. I take up a course not just to learn, but also to ensure I have a better future, equipped with better skills and qualifications. Afterall, why would anyone put in time, money, effort, sleepless nights and work-life-school juggle only to flunk in the end? But instead of just focusing on how the results will turn out in the end, why not focus more on how much one can learn, how enriched and more knowledgeable one can become? As long as in the end we have tried our best that is all that matters right?

I am a little worried because the Course Chair said that we need an average of GPA 2.5 in order to even make the Honours programme, which is a B- average. And even if we are in the direct Honours programme, if we do not achieve a GPA 2.5 average, we would in the end still graduate with a normal degree and not Honours. She said that they do not want to take our money and then just let us pass. They want to make sure we spend the money and the time to the fullest.

This is good as in we really know what we are in for. So it is not so easy as just go for lessons and pass every assignment and examination. For me, because I pulled out of the examination last year in mid-semester, my grades for the assignments were reflected, and I got a F for the overall module since my examination results were ungraded. The weightage is 50% for Assignments and 50% for Examination, so no matter how well I did for the assignments last year (which were not that well), I would still not pass the overall.

This affects my grades this year, because it is not just if I score an A, I would get an A overall. The results would be combined with the same module I pulled out last year and then halved. Thus even if I score an A this year, with my F last year, the overall result would be probably a D, or if lucky, a C. And that would pull my GPA to a 1 or 2 instead of a 4.

Which means I must really achieve very good grades for the rest of the modules if I even want to make a 2.5 GPA! I want my Honours! I am not going to take up another university course only to get by with just another pass. I believe I can do it. Both my parents are top Honours and Masters holders, so I cannot be that bad!

My Angel Of Music ....

I love, no, absolutely adore the Phantom! Tall, dark, handsome.... If you see him without his mask in his real face, he is very very good looking. And what a voice! He is welcome to be my voice teacher any time!

I went to watch "The Phantom of the Opera" last night. It was quite disappointing, the seats I mean, not the show. The show is fantastic! Everything is perfect! The sets, the costumes, the music, the voices.... It is really different watching the movie version and watching the live theatre version. The atmosphere is just different. At the theatre, one can immerse into the play and experience the fullness of the show. At the cinema it is just different.

During the musical, one can actually feel the anguish of the Phantom, how miserable he felt by being spurned, by being looked as a monster because he was deformed, by not being recognised despite being talented. The acting, singing and dancing was so intense and realistic! Those artistes can really sing, dance and act all at the same time! I salute them!!

The seats were disappointing because after the amount I paid for it, I ended up in Circle 3 - the highest section, second last row from the back, right at the side. Which means I can hardly get to see much and I had to sit slightly turned throughout, which was really uncomfortable. The entire theatre was full house though. Which makes me wonder, of so many people who actually went to watch the show, why is it I can never find anyone to even go with me and always had to watch plays and musicals on my own?

Even though this is not the first time I am watching, my heart still goes out to the Phantom. I always wondered why did Christine choose Raoul instead of the Phantom, who loved her so unconditionally except he was embittered due to experiences? After all, if one has always been treated as an outcast and a rogue, always been misunderstood, one will become a bitter person indeed. Whatever it was, the Phantom could never bear to hurt her because he truly loved her.

Which is not to say the Vicomte would hurt her, but then compared to the Phantom, the Vicomte is more of a weakling. Is it due to the fact that the Vicomte Raoul de Chagny was young, rich and handsome, with no deformity anywhere? But I guess it is more because they have known each other since young, and he had always been the one she liked.

To me, I will choose the Phantom anytime. He can be my Angel of Music and sing songs in my head, my mind, my heart, my soul.... anytime, anyday. How I wish I can watch again, but with better seats next time!

Cleaning Up ....

As if I had not enough spring cleaning to do at the office, I had to clean out my drawer a few days back. Thank goodness I did, otherwise I would not have known just how long I have not cleaned out my drawer!

Can anyone imagine I actually found the booklet for Humanities Scholarship circa 1995, and a whole unopened bag of Lipton tea satchets, expiry date 30 May 2002?! Not only that, I found some notes from law studies, tertiary application package, and the entire teaching application pack! That shows just how long I have not cleaned out that particular drawer!

It was a good thing I ended up cleaning the drawer, as I found some things which made up my life - gifts by friends, parents and ex-colleagues, cards by friends and ex-students, and the most important of all, love letters and cards from someone.

I could not help it. I started reading all the letters and cards again. And I cried. Even though that was my life so long ago, but the power of his words still amazes me. He is one of the few guys I know who can really write. I do not mean write as in just article or blog writing, but intense, emotional writing, which most guys scorn and most girls do.

I still feel so touched by the way he writes. Even though we have moved on, gone our separate ways for so long, those letters still trigger off long-lost memories. It was as if I was living my life again during that period of time, re-living those times, re-enacting the scenes that flickered in front of my eyes.

So I packed them all up again and put them back into the special place in the drawer that will always remain special. As much as I was so tempted to throw all away, those things were a big part of my life, and no matter what happened that period of time remained one of my happiest, most memorable ones.

Although in light of my current life, perhaps I should do some cleaning up of my mind as well? Then I can forget everything and just be happy, or else each time I was reminded of something long ago, I would start feeling melancholic again.

Image Revamp ....

I went for a makeover on Saturday, part of the Barbie package which I signed up for two weeks back. No wonder there is an adage that goes "There is no ugly women, only lazy women". If only one takes pain to dress up and spend some time on grooming, she will look really stunning! This applies to both genders by the way. Guys can also indulge in some grooming to look presentable.

Come to think of it, it is time I revamp my image. After all, I am no longer that young. Ten years, or even five years ago, I can still get by with minimal makeup and skin care products. Now, especially at my workplace where there is not much shelter once one is out of the building, so the scorching sun bears down on people and the sweltering heat stays for the whole day, I must take better care of my own skin.

I used to wear sunscreen only when I am overseas, but now I think I have to apply it everyday. Moisturisers and foundations containing UV agents are not enough. A sunscreen is still the best bet. I find I need to have a stronger moisturiser at night, otherwise my face becomes drier in the morning. Furthermore, I need stronger hand cream now as I can see fine lines in between my fingers.

If only I can be disciplined enough to wake up earlier in the mornings, then I can really get myself ready and look well-groomed and professional for the whole day. As it is, I am getting lazy. I have to start a regimen of discipline and skin care again!

Sleeping Away ....

My body broke down on Sunday. I ended up sleeping the whole day away, despite having slept for about eight hours the night before. I slept so much that it was evening when I awoke, and I realised I missed Mass! I have to find some time for penance. Even then, I still managed to sleep around midnight and woke up on Monday feeling tired, sleepy, blue, you name it.

On Monday, I went to work as usual, but somehow both my gastric and anaemia acted up. As a result, I almost fainted while standing at the photocopier scanning documents. I felt nauseous and a sharp pain in my stomach. I could hardly stand, and had to sit down while scanning. Even when I was out for lunch, I almost fainted on the escalator!

So I had to take half a day off to see the doctor. I went home to sleep again, but even then I am still not feeling that good even now. Hopefully this will not go on as between rushing for a deadline both at work and school, I really cannot afford to get sick now!