I hope I am managing this relationship well. After several failed attempts I should have learnt from experiences and handle this better. But for some reason, I feel upset about myself. He has been so wonderful that I can never imagine being with anyone else. Yet I feel I do have a problem.
A couple should have physical closeness and intimacy, is it not? I do not mean in the sexual way. I mean gestures like hand-holding, hugging, kissing, putting arms around shoulder and body, calling each other and whispering sweet nothings. This is what every couple does.
Yet we do not do much of this. We can walk side by side and not hold hands. Even when we talk to friends in a group, we do not stick to each other. He does not call me just to talk sweet nothings nor have long lingering conversations.
So what is the problem? The problem is I find there is no problem! With my exs, we were lovey-dovey and sticky. I would get upset when the guy did not hold my hand or made me feel loved or ask me not to be too loving! I would always want to hold him and hug him and be physically close. Yet now we do not do much of this but I think nothing of it!
Does this mean I love him any less? Or I have not totally given myself whole-heartedly to love this time? The irony is that with all the passion I used to feel and all the lovey gestures, my past relationships just disintegrated, whereas now with all the lack of physical closeness and non-stickiness, I am more confident than ever that this relationship can last.
So why? If this can last, I should be even more passionate and show more love right? As it is, those not in the know think we are only good friends as we do not behave like a couple. There are people who think I am just toying with his feelings as I do not show that I love him.
I wonder how does one show love to someone else? By being lovey-dovey and kissing him in front of everyone? Then that is love? Do people think I am that sadistic to play with someone's feelings?
Maybe that is the way everyone else shows love. Afterall how can people tell you are together? By your actions. And only by being lovey-dovey do others get convinced that you are in love.
Even when we started off, there was no excitement or ecstasy, no feeling on top of the world like the previous times. In fact, we were great buddies, then suddenly felt perhaps could go to the next step and talked about it. That was it. This is the most indifferent relationship I ever entered!
But to me, a relationship is more than just lovey-dovey actions and declaring the love to the whole world. It is the security and confidence I feel when we are together that I know even without much loving gestures, we can still stay together.
One does not need public displays of love and affection to be in a solid relationship. There are those in long-distance relationships who barely get to see each other, yet the relationship may be even stronger than those who see each other everyday. It is how the couple handles the relationship and the resolve to commit that counts.
Still, that is not to say I do not crave for physical closeness and intimacy. I am but a girl, who appreciates romantic gestures, love songs, love poems, long phone conversations whispering sweet nothings, sweet actions and absolute sincerity.
I also want to declare to the world that I am in love and loving it! Hence even though a relationship takes more than physical displays of affection to work, I also want to love and be loved. Sometimes only by gestures like hand-holding, hugging and kissing can affirm that.
Yet why do I stop him whenever he wants to get a bit more chummy and a bit more sticky? Why do I feel reluctant to be physically close? Why do I not feel anything whenever he does not hold my hand? Why do I shy away whenever he wants to put his arm around me? Why do I cut off the phone conversations to just five minutes whenever he calls when I am tired?
I never used to be like this! I used to crave for the guy to call me, I used to feel loved just by the guy wanting to spend time with me! I used to feel as if I do not love the guy enough when it was clearly the guy who was not that into me! I used to drop everything whenever the guy called no matter how busy or tired I was! And I used to put the guy the first priority, clocked all my time reserved for him, even when he could disappear without any rhyme or reason and stood me up the whole day!
Now I have a man who puts me first in everything, yet why do I feel as if I do not want to revolve my life around him? Why do I feel as if I have other things to do than sit around waiting for him to call or ask me out? I should be more receptive, to be more passionate!
Which is why I say, I think I do have a major problem!
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
A couple should have physical closeness and intimacy, is it not? I do not mean in the sexual way. I mean gestures like hand-holding, hugging, kissing, putting arms around shoulder and body, calling each other and whispering sweet nothings. This is what every couple does.
Yet we do not do much of this. We can walk side by side and not hold hands. Even when we talk to friends in a group, we do not stick to each other. He does not call me just to talk sweet nothings nor have long lingering conversations.
So what is the problem? The problem is I find there is no problem! With my exs, we were lovey-dovey and sticky. I would get upset when the guy did not hold my hand or made me feel loved or ask me not to be too loving! I would always want to hold him and hug him and be physically close. Yet now we do not do much of this but I think nothing of it!
Does this mean I love him any less? Or I have not totally given myself whole-heartedly to love this time? The irony is that with all the passion I used to feel and all the lovey gestures, my past relationships just disintegrated, whereas now with all the lack of physical closeness and non-stickiness, I am more confident than ever that this relationship can last.
So why? If this can last, I should be even more passionate and show more love right? As it is, those not in the know think we are only good friends as we do not behave like a couple. There are people who think I am just toying with his feelings as I do not show that I love him.
I wonder how does one show love to someone else? By being lovey-dovey and kissing him in front of everyone? Then that is love? Do people think I am that sadistic to play with someone's feelings?
Maybe that is the way everyone else shows love. Afterall how can people tell you are together? By your actions. And only by being lovey-dovey do others get convinced that you are in love.
Even when we started off, there was no excitement or ecstasy, no feeling on top of the world like the previous times. In fact, we were great buddies, then suddenly felt perhaps could go to the next step and talked about it. That was it. This is the most indifferent relationship I ever entered!
But to me, a relationship is more than just lovey-dovey actions and declaring the love to the whole world. It is the security and confidence I feel when we are together that I know even without much loving gestures, we can still stay together.
One does not need public displays of love and affection to be in a solid relationship. There are those in long-distance relationships who barely get to see each other, yet the relationship may be even stronger than those who see each other everyday. It is how the couple handles the relationship and the resolve to commit that counts.
Still, that is not to say I do not crave for physical closeness and intimacy. I am but a girl, who appreciates romantic gestures, love songs, love poems, long phone conversations whispering sweet nothings, sweet actions and absolute sincerity.
I also want to declare to the world that I am in love and loving it! Hence even though a relationship takes more than physical displays of affection to work, I also want to love and be loved. Sometimes only by gestures like hand-holding, hugging and kissing can affirm that.
Yet why do I stop him whenever he wants to get a bit more chummy and a bit more sticky? Why do I feel reluctant to be physically close? Why do I not feel anything whenever he does not hold my hand? Why do I shy away whenever he wants to put his arm around me? Why do I cut off the phone conversations to just five minutes whenever he calls when I am tired?
I never used to be like this! I used to crave for the guy to call me, I used to feel loved just by the guy wanting to spend time with me! I used to feel as if I do not love the guy enough when it was clearly the guy who was not that into me! I used to drop everything whenever the guy called no matter how busy or tired I was! And I used to put the guy the first priority, clocked all my time reserved for him, even when he could disappear without any rhyme or reason and stood me up the whole day!
Now I have a man who puts me first in everything, yet why do I feel as if I do not want to revolve my life around him? Why do I feel as if I have other things to do than sit around waiting for him to call or ask me out? I should be more receptive, to be more passionate!
Which is why I say, I think I do have a major problem!
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
3 comments:
Just a guess, but it could be due to residual effect from your last RS.
You might have subconsciously start to equate "physical closeness = bad", and this may become problematic if not tackled. (As to how to tackle this, frankly, I have no idea. Ballroom dance class might be helpful (try Waltz).)
There is a big difference between "not doing" physical closeness some of the time (not in public dear) and "not wanting" physical closeness all the time (shying away from just a shoulder hug).
Take note: You might think that it is not a big deal. The guy might reassure you (for now) that it is OK, but, getting right to the down of it, even a gentleman have needs. Lack of physical closeness, especially if the guy gets the vibe that the gal feel it as something "yucky", would be detrimental in the long run.
Perhaps so. Would take your ballroom dancing suggestion, but we did do slow dances before and it was ok. I felt really comfortable and just warm in his arms.
It's not like we totally don't hold hands or hug or whatnot, but its just when he tries to get a bit closer I shy off for some reason. Maybe its psychological, maybe not, I wouldn't know.
But I do want to know how to get over that if it really is psychological as I want to feel close and totally engulfed in his embrace too.
So, you seem to have no problem if the physical closeness is for some purpose (e.g. dancing) but not for others (I suspect, intimacy). It might be good for you to try and take more physical initiative, since you seem to be "shying away", maybe "chasing after" works (you're more in control).
A person who is "bothered by something for no good reason" usually has a reason. It's just whether the reason was forgotten, actively suppressed (denial), etc. The subconscious never forgets.
I am not an expert, but this is definitely psychological. We are the sum of our experiences. When we have bad experiences, of course we try not to repeat it.
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