A close friend just confided in me that he is undecided whether to progress further with a girl he is seeing. I asked him what are his reservations, and he said he tends to compare her with his former girlfriends.
Well, I guess it is human nature to compare, but will it not become unhealthy? I admit I compare too, like for instance, nowadays when I go on dates, I have a mental image of what type of person I am willing to give a chance to and what types do not stand a chance.
Perhaps to some, this is not a good thing, but to me (and my abovementioned friend), we feel this is experience. Not so much for him, but for me, after a few rounds, I finally know the type of person I want to be with, so it is inevitable to make comparisons to see where a guy stands.
I am not sure if it is to do with age or maturity, but now come to think of it, I could have saved myself a lot of heartache if I did not enter my last two relationships. I should not have been so easily swayed by sweet words and nice gestures, instead of really seeing the person as he is.
I feel very sorry for my third ex, which is why up to now, I still make an effort to keep in contact with him. Luckily we are still great friends, but whatever guilt I feel for him can never be replaced.
No doubt he did not exactly treat me very well, but honestly, I did not treat him as what he deserved too. I kept comparing him to my second ex, took a long time to trust him, in the end still ended things as I started liking other people. Perhaps I never did love him, perhaps he was just a rebound.
Looking back, I should not have done a lot of things. I should not have entered into another relationship when I was not really ready for another one, when I still had excess baggage.
My second ex was almost the type I want to be with, so I was really happy the period of time we were together. He might have his flaws which upset me many times, but other than that, he did not treat me that badly. Comparatively, my third ex was a let-down.
I know I should not have compared, but then once one has had the best, anyone else who did not match up would be a let-down. A year after our breakup, my third ex himself admitted he was a let-down, because he confessed he did not treat me like how I should be treated, but anyway that is all over and done with.
That period of time, I kept telling myself that people are different, and if I chose to be with a person, I should accept his whole being. I advocate that statement, which is why I never want to change a person. But the fact that I kept making comparisons probably showed that I could not convince myself he was the person I wanted to be with.
It took me another (almost) two years of misery and being stuck in a relationship that was going nowhere to finally convince myself that the type of person I am looking for is still the type that is best for me, that will make me happiest.
So I figured, instead of comparing, why not find someone like that, find someone compatible and of the type I like so I can be happy, instead of compromising and being with someone whom I know is not compatible, and then start comparing all over again?
I also figured out another thing - emotional baggage will never clear unless we make a conscious effort to clear it. I fooled myself into thinking that I was totally over him, that I could embark on a new relationship. But if I could really embark on a new relationship and put things behind me, why did I keep comparing then?
This year I surprised myself. I did things which I never thought I could do. First, I resolved to cut off contact with a certain person totally, to stop deluding myself that he was true to me, to stop believing. And once that resolve was made, I really stuck to it, and realised that I was a lot happier now that he is out of my life.
Second, I resolved to release all emotional baggages of the past, especially whatever that still remained of my second relationship that I was holding on to. That decision was made last year when he got engaged, but it was this year that I found out, hey, I could do it! I told myself to forget, and I did.
The test was when I asked him out to collect his wedding gift, and he brought his wife along with him. I was so surprised but also happy that I could finally sit down and talk to them amicably like a friend, and not take to my heels and run. I made a resolve and I did achieve it.
Third, in view of recent events, I told myself to not put my heart into anything, and use my head more. I resolved not to plunge into a relationship no matter how promising the guy is, and instead get to know each other better to see if feelings can develop.
In the past, I would not have hesitated to just put my entire heart into it, only to get myself hurt in the process. But this time, I resolved to be more sensible and observe further before seeing if we really could be together. And I did it, which is why I did not feel hurt (although disappointed) when we sort of "parted ways".
Thus one's resolve is very important. If only I learnt about this when I was younger, then I would not have wasted away time and years. It is only through resolving of letting go, that one can move on and look forward to a brighter future, and not be bogged down by emotional baggage.
Through all these, I have a better and happier disposition, looking forward to better things ahead. Maybe it is time to admit I am getting older and have to change my perspectives in certain things. Perhaps age does play a part, but why must it be now when I could have come to my senses at a much earlier age?
But I do not regret anything, because the way my life was shaped made me into what I am today. I could have gone through life having everything easy but yet learnt nothing in the process. Whatever I have gone through in life (not that it is anything much or major) gave me experiences and make me richer. I have to remember the lessons learnt and not make the same mistakes again.
Well, I guess it is human nature to compare, but will it not become unhealthy? I admit I compare too, like for instance, nowadays when I go on dates, I have a mental image of what type of person I am willing to give a chance to and what types do not stand a chance.
Perhaps to some, this is not a good thing, but to me (and my abovementioned friend), we feel this is experience. Not so much for him, but for me, after a few rounds, I finally know the type of person I want to be with, so it is inevitable to make comparisons to see where a guy stands.
I am not sure if it is to do with age or maturity, but now come to think of it, I could have saved myself a lot of heartache if I did not enter my last two relationships. I should not have been so easily swayed by sweet words and nice gestures, instead of really seeing the person as he is.
I feel very sorry for my third ex, which is why up to now, I still make an effort to keep in contact with him. Luckily we are still great friends, but whatever guilt I feel for him can never be replaced.
No doubt he did not exactly treat me very well, but honestly, I did not treat him as what he deserved too. I kept comparing him to my second ex, took a long time to trust him, in the end still ended things as I started liking other people. Perhaps I never did love him, perhaps he was just a rebound.
Looking back, I should not have done a lot of things. I should not have entered into another relationship when I was not really ready for another one, when I still had excess baggage.
My second ex was almost the type I want to be with, so I was really happy the period of time we were together. He might have his flaws which upset me many times, but other than that, he did not treat me that badly. Comparatively, my third ex was a let-down.
I know I should not have compared, but then once one has had the best, anyone else who did not match up would be a let-down. A year after our breakup, my third ex himself admitted he was a let-down, because he confessed he did not treat me like how I should be treated, but anyway that is all over and done with.
That period of time, I kept telling myself that people are different, and if I chose to be with a person, I should accept his whole being. I advocate that statement, which is why I never want to change a person. But the fact that I kept making comparisons probably showed that I could not convince myself he was the person I wanted to be with.
It took me another (almost) two years of misery and being stuck in a relationship that was going nowhere to finally convince myself that the type of person I am looking for is still the type that is best for me, that will make me happiest.
So I figured, instead of comparing, why not find someone like that, find someone compatible and of the type I like so I can be happy, instead of compromising and being with someone whom I know is not compatible, and then start comparing all over again?
I also figured out another thing - emotional baggage will never clear unless we make a conscious effort to clear it. I fooled myself into thinking that I was totally over him, that I could embark on a new relationship. But if I could really embark on a new relationship and put things behind me, why did I keep comparing then?
This year I surprised myself. I did things which I never thought I could do. First, I resolved to cut off contact with a certain person totally, to stop deluding myself that he was true to me, to stop believing. And once that resolve was made, I really stuck to it, and realised that I was a lot happier now that he is out of my life.
Second, I resolved to release all emotional baggages of the past, especially whatever that still remained of my second relationship that I was holding on to. That decision was made last year when he got engaged, but it was this year that I found out, hey, I could do it! I told myself to forget, and I did.
The test was when I asked him out to collect his wedding gift, and he brought his wife along with him. I was so surprised but also happy that I could finally sit down and talk to them amicably like a friend, and not take to my heels and run. I made a resolve and I did achieve it.
Third, in view of recent events, I told myself to not put my heart into anything, and use my head more. I resolved not to plunge into a relationship no matter how promising the guy is, and instead get to know each other better to see if feelings can develop.
In the past, I would not have hesitated to just put my entire heart into it, only to get myself hurt in the process. But this time, I resolved to be more sensible and observe further before seeing if we really could be together. And I did it, which is why I did not feel hurt (although disappointed) when we sort of "parted ways".
Thus one's resolve is very important. If only I learnt about this when I was younger, then I would not have wasted away time and years. It is only through resolving of letting go, that one can move on and look forward to a brighter future, and not be bogged down by emotional baggage.
Through all these, I have a better and happier disposition, looking forward to better things ahead. Maybe it is time to admit I am getting older and have to change my perspectives in certain things. Perhaps age does play a part, but why must it be now when I could have come to my senses at a much earlier age?
But I do not regret anything, because the way my life was shaped made me into what I am today. I could have gone through life having everything easy but yet learnt nothing in the process. Whatever I have gone through in life (not that it is anything much or major) gave me experiences and make me richer. I have to remember the lessons learnt and not make the same mistakes again.
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