"A husband is only ideal in the eyes of his wife; he can be the least perfect and flawless man, but the most ideal to his wife, because his wife loves him, with all her heart." And this is what I gather from the infamous Oscar Wilde when he wrote this play. (The preceding statement is my own interpretation, not to be found anywhere in the play.)
This came about when I was having a discussion with a girl friend last night. She was accusing me of being too choosy, to which I explained to her my reasons for being so. Then she got me thinking with this question, "Do you think there is an ideal husband? What will I consider as an ideal husband?"
I must say, she got me stumped for a while. I have the criteria for an ideal boyfriend, an ideal relationship, but somehow never got to really thinking what an ideal husband will be like. So she got me thinking on what I consider as an ideal husband. Actually what I consider as an ideal boyfriend can also be used on what I consider as an ideal husband, but an ideal husband will have a bit more criteria to fulfill of course.
In that case, what will I consider as an ideal husband? An ideal husband need not be the most perfect man. He can be the most imperfect man with the most faults, but yet he will be the most perfect to me, because he will be the one who loves me and the one whom I love, with all our hearts.
Honestly, if I am to really state down what I look for in a man, it will probably turn a lot of people off. Realistically speaking, I do not expect to find someone that can fit into every category I look for. Maybe I am choosy.
But then I am not the type to go for someone drop dead gorgeous, nor someone tall, dark and handsome, or even someone who is the heir to some business empire and have oodles of cash without needing to work. All I am looking for is someone with smarts and vast knowledge and who can converse with and relate to me on the right frequency, with none of the vices.
So what will I consider as the ideal man for me? He is someone of good character and upbringing, who does not smoke, drink (light drinking is ok), gamble, flirt or womanise. He is someone who is filial and respectful to his parents, family and friends, and nice and respectful to mine. In other words, a traditional and conservative man.
He is a gentleman who exercises good self-control who will keep his hands to himself and treat me with the utmost respect. He will see me home at night after a date, and offers to pay (although of course we take turns to pay when going out) and carry any bags or packages for me.
He is responsible and focused in his work, and have the attitude to lifelong learning, be it academic, personal or social. He is bilingual (or more) and able to converse, speak, read and write effectively and articulately in two languages.
Why is this important? Because whether a person gives me a good impression is the way he speaks (or writes). Someone with a good deal of smarts will be able to write good English with a good sentencing structure and no grammatical or spelling errors, and able to speak articulately and fluently.
Comparatively, someone who can only give one or two word answers and not able to understand what I say probably does not have that much substance in them in the first place. Okay, I am generalising and stereotyping here, I believe there are always exceptions, except so far, my experience tells me that to distinguish between someone who is of a higher calibre is from the way he / she speaks and writes.
Religion wise, it will be good if he shares the same religion, be it Catholic or Christian of another denomination. And he will be one who prefers the traditional type of service rather than the charismatic type. We can share biblical teachings with each other and grow in love and religion together.
Attitude and values wise, he has the thirst for knowledge and upgrading, willing to learn as many things in life as possible, willing to pursue higher education and not be stuck as it is. A graduate will be good, but even if he is not, he should at least have the attitude and inclination to upgrade instead of being stuck in a rut.
Interests wise, it will be good if he likes to watch movies, listen to music ranging from classical to slow rock to pop to jazz to country to retro to new age, including opera and Mando pop. Playing one or more musical instruments is an added advantage!
He can understand and relate if I talk about Jacky Cheung or Chopin or Beethoven or Trademark or Abba. An added advantage if he is well-read and we can converse about books on English and Chinese literature, but even if he is not an avid reader, he can at least understand when I talk about Shakespeare or Journey to the West or the Condor Hero or The Little Prince or Sophie's World.
He is one who appreciates art and culture, who does not mind going to plays, theatres, musicals, concerts and gives opinions on art, sculpture and poetry. He sings (karaoke singing will do, does not have to be classical or gospel singing) and dances (ballroom, latin, etc), and willing to indulge in all kinds of musical and dance experience.
He is one with a flair for words and a vast range of vocabulary. Able to write touching love letters and poetry is an added advantage! Or else just playing with words, creating anagrams and exercising the brains on challenging games will do.
He need not be a computer geek or technology nut, but he can understand when I make comparisons of different laptops, PDAs, MP3 players and mobile phones, and know the difference between XP and Vista.
It will be good if he cares about the environment too, and believes in saving paper and recycling. He should not be a spendthrift, neither should he be a miser. He need not buy expensive gifts for me or pay for my shopping expenses, but at least he is not too calculative over how he spends his money.
In other words, dining in restaurants once in a while, or having tea at coffee joints will be good, instead of always just the same simple hawker fare and cooking at home. Variety is the spice of life, and it will be good to do different things instead of being so routine all the time.
Looks wise, my ideal height will be someone from 1.75m to 1.84m, but I am not particular about height and weight so long as he is not shorter than me (but then again, I do not think any guy can ever be shorter than me), and he is not overweight. He does not need to have a slim or lean or muscular athletic body shape. A medium body will do.
And he does not need to have the face that turns a thousand heads, just someone with a relatively clear skin, have good grooming habits and knows how to dress to look neat, tidy, clean-cut and presentable.
He should know how to cycle, bowl and play pool, as well as tennis and squash. Even if he does not, he should at least have the interest and be open-minded in going with me to play tennis and squash, and the occasional bowling and pool. Having the interest to take up yoga and pilates will be good too!
Knowing how to drive and having a car is an added bonus, but even if he does not, we can always take public transport, but he should be gentlemanly enough to see me back home at least. Not to mention offering seats to the elderly and pregnant ladies without any prompts. Understanding and being able to relate to me when I rattle on about cars and road tests is an added advantage too!
He is one who is an avid traveller. He will like to explore the world and immerse in the culture and history of the place. He prefers to travel to explore, rather than shop, sleep and go high class all the way. And we can engage in numerous intellectual debates over countries, sights and the beautiful scenery. Being a good photographer is an added advantage, but even if he is not it does not matter as one photographer is good enough!
At home, he is one who is willing to share the housework. Knowing how to cook and bake is an advantage, but even if he does not, he should help out around the house, and not just laze around and expect others to do everything and serve him.
He knows how to take care of me, makes me feel loved, handle my mood swings and be a pillar of support in what I do for myself, for both of us and the family. He will be a wonderful husband and father, a good and responsible care-giver to me and the kids through ups and downs. And he will continue dating me even after we have kids, even after we grow old, as he will be a companion and partner for life.
So there, this is what I consider an ideal husband. Really too unrealistic? The fact is that in this not too long life I have, I have come across two (three actually) who fits into almost every category I set up above. Of course, none are so perfect that they really have everything I look for, but it is an encouragement indeed if I have come across people almost there.
But hoping for an ideal husband should not be just one-sided. I must ensure I can be the ideal wife to him too, to do the things for him which I wish him to do for me, to be there for him and a pillar of support, to understand him and be his companion and partner. An ideal husband will not suffice if I do not play the part of an ideal wife.
Thus I will continue searching and having high hopes. Until the day I found my ideal husband, which I truly believe he is somewhere, somehow, waiting. After all I do believe dreams will come true, and perhaps my dream may just come true soon!
[Addendum : I forgot to add two important teeny details - the guy must be a dog-lover! Or an animal lover in general. He must also love babies and children. If a person is kind to animals and children, he is probably not that bad a person in the first place! :-p]
This came about when I was having a discussion with a girl friend last night. She was accusing me of being too choosy, to which I explained to her my reasons for being so. Then she got me thinking with this question, "Do you think there is an ideal husband? What will I consider as an ideal husband?"
I must say, she got me stumped for a while. I have the criteria for an ideal boyfriend, an ideal relationship, but somehow never got to really thinking what an ideal husband will be like. So she got me thinking on what I consider as an ideal husband. Actually what I consider as an ideal boyfriend can also be used on what I consider as an ideal husband, but an ideal husband will have a bit more criteria to fulfill of course.
In that case, what will I consider as an ideal husband? An ideal husband need not be the most perfect man. He can be the most imperfect man with the most faults, but yet he will be the most perfect to me, because he will be the one who loves me and the one whom I love, with all our hearts.
Honestly, if I am to really state down what I look for in a man, it will probably turn a lot of people off. Realistically speaking, I do not expect to find someone that can fit into every category I look for. Maybe I am choosy.
But then I am not the type to go for someone drop dead gorgeous, nor someone tall, dark and handsome, or even someone who is the heir to some business empire and have oodles of cash without needing to work. All I am looking for is someone with smarts and vast knowledge and who can converse with and relate to me on the right frequency, with none of the vices.
So what will I consider as the ideal man for me? He is someone of good character and upbringing, who does not smoke, drink (light drinking is ok), gamble, flirt or womanise. He is someone who is filial and respectful to his parents, family and friends, and nice and respectful to mine. In other words, a traditional and conservative man.
He is a gentleman who exercises good self-control who will keep his hands to himself and treat me with the utmost respect. He will see me home at night after a date, and offers to pay (although of course we take turns to pay when going out) and carry any bags or packages for me.
He is responsible and focused in his work, and have the attitude to lifelong learning, be it academic, personal or social. He is bilingual (or more) and able to converse, speak, read and write effectively and articulately in two languages.
Why is this important? Because whether a person gives me a good impression is the way he speaks (or writes). Someone with a good deal of smarts will be able to write good English with a good sentencing structure and no grammatical or spelling errors, and able to speak articulately and fluently.
Comparatively, someone who can only give one or two word answers and not able to understand what I say probably does not have that much substance in them in the first place. Okay, I am generalising and stereotyping here, I believe there are always exceptions, except so far, my experience tells me that to distinguish between someone who is of a higher calibre is from the way he / she speaks and writes.
Religion wise, it will be good if he shares the same religion, be it Catholic or Christian of another denomination. And he will be one who prefers the traditional type of service rather than the charismatic type. We can share biblical teachings with each other and grow in love and religion together.
Attitude and values wise, he has the thirst for knowledge and upgrading, willing to learn as many things in life as possible, willing to pursue higher education and not be stuck as it is. A graduate will be good, but even if he is not, he should at least have the attitude and inclination to upgrade instead of being stuck in a rut.
Interests wise, it will be good if he likes to watch movies, listen to music ranging from classical to slow rock to pop to jazz to country to retro to new age, including opera and Mando pop. Playing one or more musical instruments is an added advantage!
He can understand and relate if I talk about Jacky Cheung or Chopin or Beethoven or Trademark or Abba. An added advantage if he is well-read and we can converse about books on English and Chinese literature, but even if he is not an avid reader, he can at least understand when I talk about Shakespeare or Journey to the West or the Condor Hero or The Little Prince or Sophie's World.
He is one who appreciates art and culture, who does not mind going to plays, theatres, musicals, concerts and gives opinions on art, sculpture and poetry. He sings (karaoke singing will do, does not have to be classical or gospel singing) and dances (ballroom, latin, etc), and willing to indulge in all kinds of musical and dance experience.
He is one with a flair for words and a vast range of vocabulary. Able to write touching love letters and poetry is an added advantage! Or else just playing with words, creating anagrams and exercising the brains on challenging games will do.
He need not be a computer geek or technology nut, but he can understand when I make comparisons of different laptops, PDAs, MP3 players and mobile phones, and know the difference between XP and Vista.
It will be good if he cares about the environment too, and believes in saving paper and recycling. He should not be a spendthrift, neither should he be a miser. He need not buy expensive gifts for me or pay for my shopping expenses, but at least he is not too calculative over how he spends his money.
In other words, dining in restaurants once in a while, or having tea at coffee joints will be good, instead of always just the same simple hawker fare and cooking at home. Variety is the spice of life, and it will be good to do different things instead of being so routine all the time.
Looks wise, my ideal height will be someone from 1.75m to 1.84m, but I am not particular about height and weight so long as he is not shorter than me (but then again, I do not think any guy can ever be shorter than me), and he is not overweight. He does not need to have a slim or lean or muscular athletic body shape. A medium body will do.
And he does not need to have the face that turns a thousand heads, just someone with a relatively clear skin, have good grooming habits and knows how to dress to look neat, tidy, clean-cut and presentable.
He should know how to cycle, bowl and play pool, as well as tennis and squash. Even if he does not, he should at least have the interest and be open-minded in going with me to play tennis and squash, and the occasional bowling and pool. Having the interest to take up yoga and pilates will be good too!
Knowing how to drive and having a car is an added bonus, but even if he does not, we can always take public transport, but he should be gentlemanly enough to see me back home at least. Not to mention offering seats to the elderly and pregnant ladies without any prompts. Understanding and being able to relate to me when I rattle on about cars and road tests is an added advantage too!
He is one who is an avid traveller. He will like to explore the world and immerse in the culture and history of the place. He prefers to travel to explore, rather than shop, sleep and go high class all the way. And we can engage in numerous intellectual debates over countries, sights and the beautiful scenery. Being a good photographer is an added advantage, but even if he is not it does not matter as one photographer is good enough!
At home, he is one who is willing to share the housework. Knowing how to cook and bake is an advantage, but even if he does not, he should help out around the house, and not just laze around and expect others to do everything and serve him.
He knows how to take care of me, makes me feel loved, handle my mood swings and be a pillar of support in what I do for myself, for both of us and the family. He will be a wonderful husband and father, a good and responsible care-giver to me and the kids through ups and downs. And he will continue dating me even after we have kids, even after we grow old, as he will be a companion and partner for life.
So there, this is what I consider an ideal husband. Really too unrealistic? The fact is that in this not too long life I have, I have come across two (three actually) who fits into almost every category I set up above. Of course, none are so perfect that they really have everything I look for, but it is an encouragement indeed if I have come across people almost there.
But hoping for an ideal husband should not be just one-sided. I must ensure I can be the ideal wife to him too, to do the things for him which I wish him to do for me, to be there for him and a pillar of support, to understand him and be his companion and partner. An ideal husband will not suffice if I do not play the part of an ideal wife.
Thus I will continue searching and having high hopes. Until the day I found my ideal husband, which I truly believe he is somewhere, somehow, waiting. After all I do believe dreams will come true, and perhaps my dream may just come true soon!
[Addendum : I forgot to add two important teeny details - the guy must be a dog-lover! Or an animal lover in general. He must also love babies and children. If a person is kind to animals and children, he is probably not that bad a person in the first place! :-p]
3 comments:
First off, I think the criteria for a bf/gf should be the same as for a spouse. There is no point wasting time and emotional energy in a relationship that is not going anywhere.
Second, I think you are focussing too much on the external behaviours and manifestations of your perfect mate. Don't put too much expectation on him or you will be disappointed.
It is better to focus on some core, inner properties - such as being decent and considerate, rather than a particular manifestation of it (say holding open a door for you).
I had and have no expectations that Sofia will wash my socks, make my meals, iron my clothes, etc. But I do expect her to be a decent person. A person who is faithful to me. Who shares a life with me and works with me to forge a new life together. It is not a life about her making me dinner and me moving around heavy furniture.
Those external things are little things, really little things in the grand picture of a relationship. They might be very nice to have, but don't lose the person because of he fails to perform certain actions. You can always ask him, communication is essential, however constant attempts to change or modify my behaviour would irritate me.
I don't go around asking people to change things about themselves unless (1) it is really, really annoying (please, not so much perfume, better yet, don't wear any. Women smell nice if they are clean. Perfume just rots out my nostrils), (2) it is to help you become a better person (I am not talking well mannered, but a better person).
If you expect him to carry the packages, you can expect to do the housework.
I had no idea who my wife would be. I had only three criteria: (1) she must be a person I want to share my life with, (2) she must be a person I want as the biological mother of my children, (3) she must be the person I want to raise my kids.
Beyond that, everything else is window dressing. I had no requirements on looks (although pretty was implied), or race, or height. I did on religion, but eventually relaxed that when I could find no suitable Catholic girls.
My thoughts.
(Your blog locks up my browser from time to time. I suspect it might be the media you stream.)
Very insightful indeed, thanks for your thoughts. Perhaps I did not make myself clear. I am looking more for internal, ie he must be a decent, kind, caring and considerate person. Once he is all these, other things will follow, like being filial and respectful, gentlemanly, etc. How he is in character reflects how he behaves towards others. Thus, in essence, the man I am looking for is someone who is a decent, intelligent, down to earth and interesting person. To me, good character and integrity is still the most important, other things are but secondary.
Just want to be sure. It is easy to get carried away with a shopping list for a mate. The problem is not to let it blind you to the real person.
Maybe he doesn't open the door because he is self-centred. Maybe he doesn't open the door because he thinks you are perfectly capable of doing it yourself.
Post a Comment