I went over to my cousin's house in the afternoon. Have not seen the baby and the dog for a while already, so thought of paying them a visit before meeting my friend for dinner. As usual, the sight of a happy and warm family fills me with envy. This is what happiness is - having a great domestic life.
My cousin and I talked to each other about our lives as usual whenever we meet up. We were on the subject of soulmates, and she brought up something rather thought-provoking. She said that in a long-term relationship, the spark or passion will be gone within a couple of years, so would it not be better to be with someone who is your soulmate, someone who shares your interests and can be a companion?
Well, I agree actually. But in order to even think of progressing into a relationship and marriage, the spark must be there, is it not? If both do not even have strong enough feelings for each other to want to be together, then what is the use? Of course ultimately, it is a partnership for life, but in order to even stay and grow together, there must be love, besides all the other factors.
Which is why even though some people can get along so well together, can talk and share about anything under the sun, can be soulmates, but ultimately if there is no love, nothing else can happen. These people can only be soulmates on a friendship basis.
It is very very difficult to find a soulmate on a relationship basis. To some, they can only find one in their entire lives, and if the chance slips by, they can never find another person like that. But soulmates itself is a very objective word. Some view soulmates as someone they can be with, some as someone they can talk to, others as someone they view as a partner.
To me, how will I view if a person is my soulmate? Firstly, we can talk about anything and everything under the sun. We can share all our thoughts and ideals, similar in visions, goals and lifestyles.
Secondly, we can have an emotional connection. We know when each other is happy or sad, have no qualms sharing all our happiness and sadness, all our moods and hurts with each other, comfort each other and be a pillar of strength and support.
Thirdly, we complement each other's lifestyles. We enjoy our similarities and appreciate our differences. We learn from and support each other in our own hobbies, interests, passions and causes.
And the one important thing I look for in a soulmate? He inspires me to do better. He makes me want to be a better person, to always show my best side, bring out the best in me. That is what a soulmate should be - to bring out the best in the other person.
Before I left, my cousin celebrated my birthday by giving me a chocolate cake. Wow, I never expect her to remember, but she did! We cut and ate the cake, then she asked me to bring the leftovers as a dessert for my friend, or bring home if there are still any left.
My cousin said she expects a wedding invitation by my next birthday, which is, well, rather impossible actually, considering my status, which does not seem likely to change for quite some time. Nevertheless, in a year, a lot of things can happen, so there is no harm being hopeful.
To me, I rather not change whatever I have no control over, and change whatever I have control over. Thus, by my next birthday, I hope to finally have my driving license, and perhaps able to drive my dream car around!
My cousin and I talked to each other about our lives as usual whenever we meet up. We were on the subject of soulmates, and she brought up something rather thought-provoking. She said that in a long-term relationship, the spark or passion will be gone within a couple of years, so would it not be better to be with someone who is your soulmate, someone who shares your interests and can be a companion?
Well, I agree actually. But in order to even think of progressing into a relationship and marriage, the spark must be there, is it not? If both do not even have strong enough feelings for each other to want to be together, then what is the use? Of course ultimately, it is a partnership for life, but in order to even stay and grow together, there must be love, besides all the other factors.
Which is why even though some people can get along so well together, can talk and share about anything under the sun, can be soulmates, but ultimately if there is no love, nothing else can happen. These people can only be soulmates on a friendship basis.
It is very very difficult to find a soulmate on a relationship basis. To some, they can only find one in their entire lives, and if the chance slips by, they can never find another person like that. But soulmates itself is a very objective word. Some view soulmates as someone they can be with, some as someone they can talk to, others as someone they view as a partner.
To me, how will I view if a person is my soulmate? Firstly, we can talk about anything and everything under the sun. We can share all our thoughts and ideals, similar in visions, goals and lifestyles.
Secondly, we can have an emotional connection. We know when each other is happy or sad, have no qualms sharing all our happiness and sadness, all our moods and hurts with each other, comfort each other and be a pillar of strength and support.
Thirdly, we complement each other's lifestyles. We enjoy our similarities and appreciate our differences. We learn from and support each other in our own hobbies, interests, passions and causes.
And the one important thing I look for in a soulmate? He inspires me to do better. He makes me want to be a better person, to always show my best side, bring out the best in me. That is what a soulmate should be - to bring out the best in the other person.
Before I left, my cousin celebrated my birthday by giving me a chocolate cake. Wow, I never expect her to remember, but she did! We cut and ate the cake, then she asked me to bring the leftovers as a dessert for my friend, or bring home if there are still any left.
My cousin said she expects a wedding invitation by my next birthday, which is, well, rather impossible actually, considering my status, which does not seem likely to change for quite some time. Nevertheless, in a year, a lot of things can happen, so there is no harm being hopeful.
To me, I rather not change whatever I have no control over, and change whatever I have control over. Thus, by my next birthday, I hope to finally have my driving license, and perhaps able to drive my dream car around!
5 comments:
I agree with your cousin. I think you are confusing lust and limerence with love.
There is no question that some degree of attraction and affinity must exist between the people. I just think modern society overemphasizes the magnitude of the desire required.
My test was far more simple: (1) is this the person I want to be the mother of my children, (2) is this the person I want to raise my children, (3) is this the person I want to be my lifelong companion.
Personally, and I have lots of fanciful notions and I am not privy to your daily happenings - except as you voluminously blog (sorry, but I can't keep up with it all), I would say that (1) you placed too much expectation on the front end with this guy (he shares so many of the things I enjoy), and (2) focussed too much on the discussion and analysis of relationship rather than letting the relationship evolve organically.
I cannot deny the excitement of meeting someone. Discovering she is not only beautiful, but charming and witty, intelligent and caring. That we share many interests. But I resist the temptation to go on fast forward and plan out a future with her (for all I know, given my luck with women, she has a boyfriend who belongs to motorcycle gang). I want to study her. Get to know her. Be with her and learn about her. Sure, she might be all sweet smiles during the firs tmonth I know her (maybe seen her 6 times, have a few phone conversation), but the following month maybe I see she has a mean temper and swears like a sailor when someone cuts her off in traffic. Or maybe she lets drop some foolish episode from her past that really puts me off. From my point of view, it is better to “end’ a non-relationship, than to try and cater and adjust while in it.
On the other hand, friends have told me that the slow pace I took was destined to failure because no girl was going to wait a year while I decided if I was interested in her. I was 29 and beginning to believe they might be right. Fortunately things did work out for me. I saw Sofia in a lot of circumstances, I knew a lot about her past and background, so there were not too many surprises. I even knew how many kids she wanted (although, I insist she reneged and we only had 2 when she had said we was ok with 4).
This friendship might still work. Be friends. Be yourselves. Enjoy life. Don’t act as though you are laying the ground for a joint life.
I think it is much easier to grieve the loss of a missed relationship than it is to recover from a failed one.
It is not impossible to get that invite out. I met Sofia 10-March-1995. We started Dating 16-September-1995 and were married 28-September-1995.
Six months of friendship, after which I was sure I wanted to move forward with a relationship. And I told her that my intent was marriage, so if that was not her intent and she was only looking for fun, then I wasn't interested.
Actually this friend and I started off knowing our expectations, ie that if we are to be in a relationship, it will end in marriage, so we are not going to risk jumping into one only to find that things don't work out.
So we both decided to take it slow and see if the love can develop. Yes, we enjoy our time together, we have great fun and interaction, but then somehow something is just missing.
Perhaps things can still progress, who knows, perhaps not, but then as it is, he has not given me that kind of intense feeling that I really really want to be together with him, and he feels the same way too, which is why we are still staying on as friends but at the same time explore other options and then see how from there.
I agree that for a lifelong relationship to survive, it is more of a companionship of two people being committed to be together, not so much on love and limerance. But if I do not have deep enough feelings for the person to want to be together with him in the first place, it is very hard to go further.
From lessons I have learnt in the past, commitment comes with love, ie after you decide to be with a person you love, then you are committed to make things work.
Not everyone is so lucky to be able to find someone to be with and who wants to be with you at the same time; often than not, it is one-sided.
I am glad that you both seemed to approach a relationship with a definite purpose. That is a good sign. However, I still think that you put too much emphasis at the outset. Constantly evaluating, even if everything else was going slow.
Look, I am not there. I am not involved, I am just giving my opinion and it may not be worth very much. Personally, I think people need to start off without expectation.
It was like that with Sofia. There is no question that I would, if I found the girl attractive, wonder from time to time in secret if there might be any chance for a relationship. Most times the answer just came to no. I did the same with Sofia. Watched her, studied her, learned about her, but there was never any talk of a relationship - just friendship. Then one day in August (or was it July?) we went for a dinner and a walk in the park. As we were walking, I realized that the person I was with was the person I wanted to be my companion and wife and mother of my children. It was not something I could have charted in March or April or May or even June. She was nice enough, and I enjoyed her company, but despite occasional checks, there was no interest. Any interest I may have feigned would have been false.
juphelia wrote: I hope to finally have my driving license, and perhaps able to drive my dream car around!
Surely you mean and be able to drive my dream man around!?
I do mean dream car, not dream man. If he is really my dream man, he will be the one driving me around instead! :-p Although of course we may just take turns to drive in the end.
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