I used to wonder if family background and upbringing plays a part when two people get together. Afterall, a relationship is between the couple, is it not? Why should others get involved? Then through the years, I realise that family background and upbringing does play a part in making a person.
So to see how a person is like, one should see how the parents are like. If the parents are good, down-to-earth, traditional and nice people, chances are the children will turn out to be the same. If the parents are the selfish, calculative and uncouth types, then chances are the children will be like that.
I am not being discriminatory or anything, but parents are our role models when we were young. We spent almost twenty years of our lives learning from our parents, so if the parents do not show a good example to the children, chances are the children will learn all the bad habits from the parents.
Of course, as we go on in life, there are other people who influence us. Our teachers, our school environment, our friends, even the mass media and other people like motivational speakers or grooming consultants. But the core still lies with the parents whether we are well brought up or not. How one's character is shaped depends a large part on our parents and how they brought us up.
I am not saying that those people who come from a messy background will end up bad; neither am I saying that those who come from very good backgrounds will be good. There are always black sheep and exceptions around. But in general, how a child behaves and is shaped is almost always linked to how the parents behave.
I have seen a lot of cases back in my teaching days. The kids I taught came from very diverse backgrounds. Most of them are heartlanders, not those middle or upper class backgrounds, who grow up speaking perfect English and with a vast general knowledge even by the time they reach Primary One.
The kids I taught were from the nearby neighbourhoods of old two to three-room flats, and some of the newer four-room flats. The area is considered an old neighbourhood, belonging more to the lower strata. The kids who attended the school, some of them could not even afford to pay school fees on time!
It was an eye-opener for me, as where I grow up in and the schools I came from, it was practically unheard of for people not to pay school fees! It was even unheard of for people to live in three-room flats. Most of my classmates live in private apartments or landed houses. Even for those who are staying in government flats, they live in a more exclusive area, of bigger and more expensive flats.
So when I first started going out with guys, I never knew that family background could play a big part. I come from a very traditional Chinese family who frowns on physical intimacy, ie in front of my elders, the most my partner and I could do was to hold hands, nothing more. I grew up speaking both proper English and Mandarin (more the former actually), no vulgarities allowed. I was brought up thinking that chasing after a guy is a big no-no. I should never let a guy take advantage of me.
We were sent to all kinds of enrichment classes since young, and encouraged to continue upgrading and learning more things. Anyone stuck in his / her comfort zone would be frowned upon, as in my family, nothing is too much and no learning will ever be "useless".
I grew up believing that if a guy really respects me, he will never think of doing anything to me. And I grow up with people from my extended family, so there is always a big gathering during occasions, especially birthdays of the elders, Chinese New Year, Mid-Autumn Festivals, Dumpling Festivals, Winter Solstices, even Christmas. Which is why for a period of time I could never fathom why others did not even know some of these festivals exist! And we do not smoke, take drugs, drink or gamble, cuss and swear nor buy lotteries even!
When I went to school, I took up religious studies and learnt that the foundation of every being is in the faith. Christmas took on a new meaning for me, and I started honouring Good Friday, Easter, Lent and Advent, which makes it hard for me to relate to anyone non-Christian.
I learnt from the Bible about the Ten Commandments (which is common sensical actually, because I was also brought up to do the right things), that a marriage and family is sacred and honourable. I learnt that the man and woman should love and honour each other, as how we love and honour ourselves. Treat others like how we want to be treated, ie of respect, love and consideration. And I learnt that things like intimacy and pre-marital sex are a no-no, even in my upbringing and religion.
Well, through the years, I did not really practise some of the things I learnt and adhere to. Perhaps it is now time to finally realise what I really want out of life. It is now time to come to my senses that I no longer just want fun or the mere thought of someone being in my life to be with. It is time to be more objective and see things from a more serious and long-term angle.
It is time to settle down, to stop being on my own, and to share my life with someone. With that, it should be with someone from a respectable family, someone who is brought up with the same ideals and attitudes as I have been brought up with. Someone who is both traditional and religious, who knows how to respect a girl, with none of the vices.
I never thought family background and upbringing matters so much. As I started interacting with more people, some whom I have grown rather close to and whose parents know me, I start to make comparisons.
Perhaps people in the olden days understood this concept better. The olden days of matchmaking and betrothal amongst people of different status. It was normally the rich who married the rich, the middle class who married the middle class, and so on. It was frowned upon for anyone to marry up or down.
One could say people in those days were narrow-minded and elitist or cared about social status, but in essence, what they did made sense. Imagine for someone who had been rich all along, he / she could give up the wealth to be with someone not that wealthy, but would he / she be able to handle all the problems and start over?
Similarly, for someone of a lower social ladder to marry up (in those days), he / she would probably be overwhelmed by the many obligations rich people had to go through, not to mention putting up with the various taunts from the rest of the family on the kind of background he / she came from.
Sad to say, this is still being practised now. The social status thing, not the matchmaking. Although in the modern society most cultures have the freedom to choose who they want to marry, at the end of it all, one's family background really matters.
Someone from middle class who wants to marry into a wealthy family must be prepared to face the pressures and responsibilities of the rich and famous. I have friends who married into wealthy families, and they hardly have the freedom to do as they please. They took a very long time to adjust.
Luckily they have in-laws who are nice to them, otherwise it will be even more miserable not to have anyone's support. Upon reflection, if they have been brought up that way all along, perhaps they are used to the life and able to handle things better?
What about those from wealthy families, used to staying on landed properties and grew up with maids? If they marry someone simpler who stays in a normal flat, without a maid, will he / she be used to it? Imagine having the good life for so long, and all of a sudden, he / she must learn how to serve and take care of others instead of the other way round.
It would be hard I suppose, although not impossible. However, if all along they have grown up as a flat-dweller and used to doing things on one's own, then it would be much easier to adjust if they marry someone who is also like that.
I am not saying that I look down on people lower than me whatsoever. I am nobody in the first place, so who am I to look down on anyone? All I am saying is that in order for me to want to be with a person, I feel that I have to be comfortable with the family members, and like what I see, and foresee that I am able to live and get along with them long-term with not much of a problem.
Being from middle class all along, somehow I cannot relate to mere heartlanders. I am not saying they are not good people, or that I am too good and arrogant for anyone. The people I know are fairly decent and nice.
But being from such a background and having the priviledge to take up enrichment courses, somehow just playing mahjong, listening to how others slaughter the English (and even Chinese) language, how they are stuck in their comfort zones with no inclination of learning and exploring more things, how they cuss and swear when their favourite football team lost, how they think a relationship should be based on sex, how they are the first in queue once the Singapore Pools open their doors and spending loads on lottery when they complain they have no money to spend... after a while, it just gets to me.
I guess perhaps due to my upbringing, I can relate much better to people who are well-read, who engages in intellectual conversations on books, stocks and shares, economy, religion, world affairs, history, music, fine dining, and with the attitude of learning and exploring more things all the time.
I seem to be able to click better with those who are willing to step into a theatre to watch a play or musical, who are receptive to classical music and classic books, well-travelled, shows utmost respect to a lady and knows how to be gentlemanly and chivalrous when dating her out, and who speaks (and writes) proper English fluently and articulately.
Thus I now realise that family (and to a certain extent, education and friends) background and upbringing is very important. Interests can be cultivated, but the root of the character is from how the parents bring up the children, how they view the friendships between two people, how they view being together with another person, what they want out of life, their attitudes and values towards things.
If the foundation is there, ie they are brought up in the traditional or religious way and they adhere to it, and they are brought up intelligently and responsibly in a big and close-knit family who are articulate and have gatherings every occasions, encourages life long learning and advancement, do not smoke, drink, take drugs, gamble, have casual or pre-marital sex, or buy lottery, chances are these are the people I can get along better with.
Perhaps people may deem me as arrogant or high and mighty, but I feel that in order to think of being with someone lifelong, one must also accept the family and friends. Afterall, if I am ever to get married, it will not be just he and me; but it involves both our families as well.
And if both of us are brought up the same way, the chances of us hitting off with the respective families are much higher. And I owe it to my future happiness and family to be with the best, in character, upbringing and background.
So to see how a person is like, one should see how the parents are like. If the parents are good, down-to-earth, traditional and nice people, chances are the children will turn out to be the same. If the parents are the selfish, calculative and uncouth types, then chances are the children will be like that.
I am not being discriminatory or anything, but parents are our role models when we were young. We spent almost twenty years of our lives learning from our parents, so if the parents do not show a good example to the children, chances are the children will learn all the bad habits from the parents.
Of course, as we go on in life, there are other people who influence us. Our teachers, our school environment, our friends, even the mass media and other people like motivational speakers or grooming consultants. But the core still lies with the parents whether we are well brought up or not. How one's character is shaped depends a large part on our parents and how they brought us up.
I am not saying that those people who come from a messy background will end up bad; neither am I saying that those who come from very good backgrounds will be good. There are always black sheep and exceptions around. But in general, how a child behaves and is shaped is almost always linked to how the parents behave.
I have seen a lot of cases back in my teaching days. The kids I taught came from very diverse backgrounds. Most of them are heartlanders, not those middle or upper class backgrounds, who grow up speaking perfect English and with a vast general knowledge even by the time they reach Primary One.
The kids I taught were from the nearby neighbourhoods of old two to three-room flats, and some of the newer four-room flats. The area is considered an old neighbourhood, belonging more to the lower strata. The kids who attended the school, some of them could not even afford to pay school fees on time!
It was an eye-opener for me, as where I grow up in and the schools I came from, it was practically unheard of for people not to pay school fees! It was even unheard of for people to live in three-room flats. Most of my classmates live in private apartments or landed houses. Even for those who are staying in government flats, they live in a more exclusive area, of bigger and more expensive flats.
So when I first started going out with guys, I never knew that family background could play a big part. I come from a very traditional Chinese family who frowns on physical intimacy, ie in front of my elders, the most my partner and I could do was to hold hands, nothing more. I grew up speaking both proper English and Mandarin (more the former actually), no vulgarities allowed. I was brought up thinking that chasing after a guy is a big no-no. I should never let a guy take advantage of me.
We were sent to all kinds of enrichment classes since young, and encouraged to continue upgrading and learning more things. Anyone stuck in his / her comfort zone would be frowned upon, as in my family, nothing is too much and no learning will ever be "useless".
I grew up believing that if a guy really respects me, he will never think of doing anything to me. And I grow up with people from my extended family, so there is always a big gathering during occasions, especially birthdays of the elders, Chinese New Year, Mid-Autumn Festivals, Dumpling Festivals, Winter Solstices, even Christmas. Which is why for a period of time I could never fathom why others did not even know some of these festivals exist! And we do not smoke, take drugs, drink or gamble, cuss and swear nor buy lotteries even!
When I went to school, I took up religious studies and learnt that the foundation of every being is in the faith. Christmas took on a new meaning for me, and I started honouring Good Friday, Easter, Lent and Advent, which makes it hard for me to relate to anyone non-Christian.
I learnt from the Bible about the Ten Commandments (which is common sensical actually, because I was also brought up to do the right things), that a marriage and family is sacred and honourable. I learnt that the man and woman should love and honour each other, as how we love and honour ourselves. Treat others like how we want to be treated, ie of respect, love and consideration. And I learnt that things like intimacy and pre-marital sex are a no-no, even in my upbringing and religion.
Well, through the years, I did not really practise some of the things I learnt and adhere to. Perhaps it is now time to finally realise what I really want out of life. It is now time to come to my senses that I no longer just want fun or the mere thought of someone being in my life to be with. It is time to be more objective and see things from a more serious and long-term angle.
It is time to settle down, to stop being on my own, and to share my life with someone. With that, it should be with someone from a respectable family, someone who is brought up with the same ideals and attitudes as I have been brought up with. Someone who is both traditional and religious, who knows how to respect a girl, with none of the vices.
I never thought family background and upbringing matters so much. As I started interacting with more people, some whom I have grown rather close to and whose parents know me, I start to make comparisons.
Perhaps people in the olden days understood this concept better. The olden days of matchmaking and betrothal amongst people of different status. It was normally the rich who married the rich, the middle class who married the middle class, and so on. It was frowned upon for anyone to marry up or down.
One could say people in those days were narrow-minded and elitist or cared about social status, but in essence, what they did made sense. Imagine for someone who had been rich all along, he / she could give up the wealth to be with someone not that wealthy, but would he / she be able to handle all the problems and start over?
Similarly, for someone of a lower social ladder to marry up (in those days), he / she would probably be overwhelmed by the many obligations rich people had to go through, not to mention putting up with the various taunts from the rest of the family on the kind of background he / she came from.
Sad to say, this is still being practised now. The social status thing, not the matchmaking. Although in the modern society most cultures have the freedom to choose who they want to marry, at the end of it all, one's family background really matters.
Someone from middle class who wants to marry into a wealthy family must be prepared to face the pressures and responsibilities of the rich and famous. I have friends who married into wealthy families, and they hardly have the freedom to do as they please. They took a very long time to adjust.
Luckily they have in-laws who are nice to them, otherwise it will be even more miserable not to have anyone's support. Upon reflection, if they have been brought up that way all along, perhaps they are used to the life and able to handle things better?
What about those from wealthy families, used to staying on landed properties and grew up with maids? If they marry someone simpler who stays in a normal flat, without a maid, will he / she be used to it? Imagine having the good life for so long, and all of a sudden, he / she must learn how to serve and take care of others instead of the other way round.
It would be hard I suppose, although not impossible. However, if all along they have grown up as a flat-dweller and used to doing things on one's own, then it would be much easier to adjust if they marry someone who is also like that.
I am not saying that I look down on people lower than me whatsoever. I am nobody in the first place, so who am I to look down on anyone? All I am saying is that in order for me to want to be with a person, I feel that I have to be comfortable with the family members, and like what I see, and foresee that I am able to live and get along with them long-term with not much of a problem.
Being from middle class all along, somehow I cannot relate to mere heartlanders. I am not saying they are not good people, or that I am too good and arrogant for anyone. The people I know are fairly decent and nice.
But being from such a background and having the priviledge to take up enrichment courses, somehow just playing mahjong, listening to how others slaughter the English (and even Chinese) language, how they are stuck in their comfort zones with no inclination of learning and exploring more things, how they cuss and swear when their favourite football team lost, how they think a relationship should be based on sex, how they are the first in queue once the Singapore Pools open their doors and spending loads on lottery when they complain they have no money to spend... after a while, it just gets to me.
I guess perhaps due to my upbringing, I can relate much better to people who are well-read, who engages in intellectual conversations on books, stocks and shares, economy, religion, world affairs, history, music, fine dining, and with the attitude of learning and exploring more things all the time.
I seem to be able to click better with those who are willing to step into a theatre to watch a play or musical, who are receptive to classical music and classic books, well-travelled, shows utmost respect to a lady and knows how to be gentlemanly and chivalrous when dating her out, and who speaks (and writes) proper English fluently and articulately.
Thus I now realise that family (and to a certain extent, education and friends) background and upbringing is very important. Interests can be cultivated, but the root of the character is from how the parents bring up the children, how they view the friendships between two people, how they view being together with another person, what they want out of life, their attitudes and values towards things.
If the foundation is there, ie they are brought up in the traditional or religious way and they adhere to it, and they are brought up intelligently and responsibly in a big and close-knit family who are articulate and have gatherings every occasions, encourages life long learning and advancement, do not smoke, drink, take drugs, gamble, have casual or pre-marital sex, or buy lottery, chances are these are the people I can get along better with.
Perhaps people may deem me as arrogant or high and mighty, but I feel that in order to think of being with someone lifelong, one must also accept the family and friends. Afterall, if I am ever to get married, it will not be just he and me; but it involves both our families as well.
And if both of us are brought up the same way, the chances of us hitting off with the respective families are much higher. And I owe it to my future happiness and family to be with the best, in character, upbringing and background.
2 comments:
Oh, definitely meet the parents. I always brought my friends home and they were always treated warmly. I would be suspicious of anyone who tries to hide you from their family and friends.
Your upbringing is in accord with what I believe, except I think a woman should be allowed to initiate contact with men.
I am always for the idea of meeting one's parents and friends, especially if I deem the person potential enough to develop further.
I need to see him in light of his family and friends, see how they treat him and how he treats them, before I decide whether to go further. How his friends and family treat him (and vice versa) can be used as an indication of his true character.
Post a Comment