In Love And Family

Lately I have been having a bit of mixed feelings. I remember those days when I was single and casually dating, I was getting a bit tired of flitting around, and wanted someone I can really be with and who wanted to be with me.

My wish came true sooner than expected, really, because he was the last person I would ever thought we could be together. But when we got together, it was just a natural progression than jumping into one. Maybe that is a mature adult's way, rather than the romantic love-at-first-sight and chemistry-at-first-instance way of younger people?

So I thought I should be sensible enough to handle a relationship. A relationship to me is no longer the sticky kind where the guy and girl must see each other everyday, talk on the phone for hours every night and make all the plans and revolve the life around each other, which was what I used to do.

I used to want to sit next to my partner, go everywhere with him, attend every function, and yearned so much for him to mingle with my family (which those in the past never really liked to). I used to want to "lay claim" so to speak on my partner by sitting next to him and holding his hand.

However I no longer do that. At this stage, I believe a relationship takes more than just sitting next to each other, or meeting each other everyday, or talking sweet nothings on the phone for hours. A relationship is how two people commit to each other, and not just being lovey-dovey.

Hence now even when we sit at opposite ends of the same room, I have no qualms about it. I no longer crave that I must find a place next to him and hold his hand. When we are out with friends, I no longer focus my attention on him, wondering if he was focusing his attention on me, and can just mingle, chat and joke with my friends as per normal.

Even if he does not call me at night, I no longer kick up a fuss. Even if he does not see me for the day, I no longer insist he must meet me. In fact, if he does not call me, I can just go to sleep. I no longer need to hear the guy's voice in order to sleep. If he does not meet me, I can spend time on my own, do my own things.

And for the first time, a guy is actually willing to come over to my place more frequently and mingle with my family members. I can tell my mum is okay with him, because she would specially invite him over to sample some new recipes or when we make his favourite dishes. So I have been so happy and confident that things will work out.

But now we have run into some problems. I have always known relationships are not all fine and dandy, there will be problems here and there. It only depends on how major or minor the problems are, and how much we can tolerate and compromise. Which is why it is so upsetting for me.

The thing is the problems we have are not major, but at the same time they are not minor as well. I have no problems with his character or personality, with his job, with his ability or capability. If I had issues with any of these I would not have agreed to start anything in the first place.

The issues involve our extended families. First and foremost, I do agree that a relationship is primarily based on two people, and how they get along with each other. Ultimately they are the ones who will be living together if things work out well and they progress to marriage.

However, a relationship also takes more than just two people. It involves their families too. Just because one is in a relationship, it does not mean we neglect each other's families. By being in a relationship, it is a given that we have to mingle with each other's families and how well we can blend in. This is something my ex-es never understood.

Anyway, the real test is not how my parents treat him or how his parents treat me. The real test is amongst other people, how I am treated and how he is treated. So when my cousin invited him over for her son's third birthday party, he was very happy, until my mum said no.

I was bewildered. I wonder why? In the past my ex-es were always invited but they always refused to go as they always said going for my family functions would just be a waste of time and they had better things to do than feel uncomfortable and talk to people they barely knew. Yet I was always expected to attend their family functions.

So now finally there is someone who is willing and happy to mingle with my family, yet he was not allowed to. My mum says she has no issues and none of my relatives would have issues. The only issue would be my maternal grandma. My mum does not want to upset her.

Perhaps my grandma would be upset, considering she was not happy when my Aussie cousins married their Caucasian wives. But my cousins are her grandsons - sons of her eldest son, so naturally she would be upset as they are the ones who are supposed to carry on the family name.

But I am the daughter of her daughter, I do not even bear her (my grandpa's) surname, and I may not even retain my name in the future. My children will not bear my surname, so will she really have an issue with that?

Still, both of us agreed to respect my mum's wishes and not bring him this time round. My mum said she would slowly talk to my grandma and prepare her so he may be able to come the next time round. At least I am happy that my mum is willing to speak up for us, so hopefully he will be fully accepted by everyone in my family.

Now the sticky part is his family. Initially I have no issues with his parents and his relatives. We seem to get along fine. Until Christmas day. I am not saying his parents ill-treat me because they never did. In fact, his parents are okay with me whenever I go over.

But on Christmas day, he has a female friend who wanted to visit them, and called him and said she was going. I was feeling a bit uncomfortable. Even now, I have never once just called and said I would be going over and go over just like that. I would still ask if it would be a convenient time to go over before going over. I thought that was the polite thing to do.

So his friend came over, and she was chattering away happily and chummily with his parents. They were talking away so blissfully, that all of a sudden I felt as if I was only a vase. And the warmth his parents showed her, they offered her food to eat and bring home, they were full of happiness with the Christmas gift she gave them, they even asked me to take a photo with her with the whole family. And they hugged her when she left. She even have both his parents' numbers and vice versa!

Suddenly I felt as if I was relegated to an outsider, as if I was non-existent. I have never taken a family shot with them before, neither have I been offered any food to bring back each time I went over, and his parents have never shown any expression over whatever I gave them each time I went over. And of course, I have never been hugged by them, and they do not have my number nor I theirs.

If I show any unhappiness, would it not deem me as petty? But at the same time, I was really kind of upset. The thing is, no matter how close I am to a guy and his parents, once he has a girlfriend, I would stop being so close and friendly, especially when his girlfriend is around. I would still talk to them, still visit them if they invite me, but at the same time, I would be conscious of how his girlfriend would feel and be a bit more reserved.

So when his friend did that, I was really pissed. No doubt she is very friendly and whatnot, but I felt she was not showing respect to me. It is not a matter of being possessive. If I am possessive, I would have kicked up a fuss when the girl even so much as said she wanted to drop by. In fact, I even told him to entertain the girl well and not be rude to his guest. I even entertained her with him.

And I was also upset over how his parents treated her as compared to me. The last straw was that his mum told me in front of the friend that I should make him stay home more often, and not keep going out, otherwise it may affect his work and whatnot. Talk about adding insult to injury! It was as if they are blatantly saying they prefer her over me!

So I was really upset. And he has been so wonderful, assuring me and telling me it is his choice, no matter what his parents say. I know, but at the same time, one cannot really cut oneself off from one's parents too, no matter what.

He even said he would speak to his parents, but I told him not to. If he broached the subject, then his parents may think I complained about them, and would it then not be awkward for everyone, and he would be in a difficult position?

Hence I chose to remain silent. I can choose to walk away from it all, like ending the relationship to prevent this kind of problems happening, but if I do that, does it solve the problem? It is very easy for people to just walk away, which is what many people did whenever they run into problems because to them, they are looking for a perfect relationship.

But a relationship is never perfect, no matter what. Of course I would like it to be smooth-sailing too, but life itself is never that easy. Sometimes only be facing problems headlong then can one determine how suitable each other is.

If he chooses to walk away, then he would have given up without even doing anything. Likewise if I choose to walk away, then I would have given up so easily. And if he does that, then he is not the one for me. Likewise if I do that, then I am definitely not the one for him.

So for now, we are facing the problems head on and praying that all will be resolved in due course. I have promised myself that if I am in a relationship again, it is one that will last. So I will do whatever it takes to make it last.