Finally, I have finished reading this John Gray’s book, where he was talking about the five stages of dating and relationship development – Attraction, Uncertainty, Exclusivity, Intimacy, Engagement. All five stages have to be passed before the relationship can stand the test of time.
There are some important facts in the book, like how soul mates can only be determined through time and patience, and by going through the five stages, and how when the time is right, the relationship will just fall into place. In other words, it is wise to take things slow instead of rushing in.
The book mentions that most people make the mistake of jumping in too quickly, like from Stage One (Attraction) to Stage Three (Exclusivity), or worse, Stage One to Stage Four (Intimacy). The second stage (Uncertainty) is actually common and normal.
If a woman means a lot to a man, but he is unsure whether she is the one, he will often withdraw and get distant. Anyway, in his other book, men all need their own space to sort out their feelings. So by giving the man space and time to reflect, he will finally sort out his feelings and go to the next stage. In other words, be patient and wait!
However women function differently. When the dating couple have reached Stage Two (Uncertainty), the woman often panics and wonder why the man is no longer that interested in her. So she makes the mistake of starting to pursue him instead. The book says that is not recommended, as once a woman starts being more interested, the man will lose interest. Yet when the woman calls it quits and stops pursuing, the man suddenly becomes interested in her again.
Hmmm… now I know where my problem lies. In any case, it is quite true. Sometimes after the end of a relationship, the guy came back and asked to start over, but by then I had already moved on. So in Stages One and Two, sexist as that may sound, it is recommended to let the man do the pursuing.
John Gray’s analogy is that men like to please women, so it gives them no greater pleasure than to know that their date had a great time. He says if a man asks more from a woman instead of pleasing them, then they are not emotionally ready for a relationship. For instance, if he wants more intimacy than she can and is willing to offer, and he does not respect it if she says no, then he should not be looking for a solid relationship as he is clearly not prepared to be in one. Quite true actually. Only mature men are willing to go out and treat a woman well, and not the self-centredness of immature guys.
And when he withdraws, just leave him alone, with the occasional contact to find out how he is doing, or ask his advise, and spend the time with family and other friends. Women should not make the mistake of pursuing a man more than he is willing to give, as that is one sure way to kill off whatever interest he had in her!
After he has finally sorted out his feelings, he will then move on to the third stage (Exclusivity). Only at the third stage (Exclusivity), then the couple really becomes a couple. Both are committed to each other, both do things to please each other. And so on and so forth. A normal healthy relationship is only built up through time and after going through all the stages.
At the fourth stage (Intimacy), it is when the couple really knows each other, ie the bad points, the mood swings, the emotions. After all, in a relationship, one has to take the good and the bad. Only by knowing each other thoroughly can they finally move on to the last stage (Engagement).
John Gray brought up the point of soul mates. He said soul mates are not to be found instantaneously. In most cases, the couple has to go through all stages before they can determine if they are soul mates. Soul mates normally occur around the fourth stage, as only when your soul wants to be with the person, then you can talk of marriage.
His definition of a “soul” is something that is the inner core of one’s being. From infancy to adulthood, things like physical appearance, emotions, maturity, will change. However, one’s soul will always be the same, no matter how old one is. The soul is the sub-conscience, the intuition. Thus, if your soul does not feel right, then it is not right. Only when your soul feels right then it is right. So for two persons to become soul mates, both their souls have to be able to connect.
According to him, there are four kinds of chemistry – physical, mental, emotional, spiritual. Physical chemistry is simply desire and attraction. Emotional chemistry is the affection both feel for each other. Mental chemistry creates interest. Spiritual chemistry creates love. A soul mate includes all four.
In most relationships, both have physical and emotional chemistry. Some may even have mental chemistry. However, most will not have a spiritual chemistry. So the affection and interest can only take it so far, and after a while, cracks will appear. But only when we find someone that encompasses all four then everything will fall into place and we can think of spending our lives with that person.
At times, both can love each other very much (Stage Four). But that does not mean both have to marry each other, because during Stage Four, if they find that they have lots of disagreements or find each other unsuitable in any way, they just cannot progress to marriage. In other words, soul mates bring out the best in each other, and not the worst. If both bring out the worst in each other (like quarrels and arguments over trifle and petty issues), then they are not soul mates, and even if they love each other, they should not bring themselves to get married.
I can so relate to that! I believe all those who have been in relationships before that did not work out can relate to that too. I used to think why if we loved each other, he just did not want to marry me in the end? He once said that he did not feel I was his soul mate, and I was wondering why did he only realize it then?
But through the years, and other broken relationships later and after reading the book, I can totally relate to it now. Essentially, if we were quarrelling over every little thing, then how could we even sustain a solid relationship, let alone a marriage? It is not so easy like what was shown in movies – they met, they fell in love, they got married. In real life, that is often not the case. You may love someone very much, but if the person is not someone you can foresee being with, then it is no point dragging on.
The book also mentions that people approach relationships very differently. There are some who are very lucky, they met, they fell in love, and the first person they dated became their soul mate. There are some who have to date a few, several, many, people before actually finding their soul mate. And there are some who may never find their soul mate for some reason.
He also says that soul mates often are not sought out; they just appear unexpectedly. And they are not perfect. They are normal humans just like us; they have their moods, their down periods, their tempers. And they may not be the best people; just that they are the best for us. But most people go for perfection, so if they feel someone is better, they just pull out. Which is a pity, because the person may just be dating his / her soul mate but miss the chance just because he may find someone “better”.
The book also mentions emotional maturity. The more people a person dates, the more one knows what one wants, the more emotionally stable one gets. After a while, the soul mate will just appear once the person gets it all together. Important thing is to approach with an open heart and mind. The more open we are, the closer we can come to finding the “right” person, as well as knowing who is “wrong” for us. And the more mistakes we make, the closer we will be able to look for who is suitable.
That is why there are cases where after dating a few people, one realizes that the soul mate is actually someone from the past. For instance, during that time, they might love each other very much but did not feel it right to get married. So they split up and started dating others. After a few experiences and becoming more emotionally mature, they realized they were the ones for each other all along, and thus got back together. When this happened, they would then be able to go by the five stages very quickly and end up with each other.
Thus, it really depends on when the time is right. After all, true love has to withstand the test of time. It is only by going through trials that the love can survive. Perhaps destiny plays a part too? If you belong to each other, no matter how much uncertainty or separation, both will still end up together.
