Have you ever felt poorer than poor? Now I can really understand why people get driven to suicide. Much as I want to remain optimistic, at times like these I really feel like just ending everything altogether. Yes, I know, nothing is that bad, everything can be resolved, yadda yadda. But how am I to resolve if I am not given time? Everyone is hounding me to do things immediately, or else there will be dire consequences. If they can only wait, things will be resolved, but why must everything happen at the same time, when I am already downer than down?
Come to think of it, I never have that much luck in my life in the first place. Is it due to bad karma? I have had friends who change their names in order to have good karma, and once the name was changed, their lives start becoming better. Maybe that is the reason why everything go well for them and everything just go downhill for me. Perhaps I should change my name once and for all. All these years, no matter what I do, no matter what I hope for, nothing has ever come true.
When I was young, I had a secret aspiration to be a top student, get a prestigious scholarship, graduate with top honours from a top university, then start slogging away in the corporate world in a senior position. As well as being an all-rounder, scoring high distinctions in music examinations, taking part in story-telling competitions, earning gold medals in Sports Days and Swimming Carnivals, or participating in sports competitions.
None of these ever came true, and I always looked on in envy as my cousins could emerge top students, represented their schools in sports competitions, passed their piano examinations with flying colours, not to mention being fair-skinned, tall, slim, elegant, pretty and capable in the corporate world as well. Is it any wonder why they could mostly marry well? Whereas for me, studies wise I am already not on par, capability definitely not. Looks wise and height, zilch. I can only settle for being a mid-ranked executive of sorts, subject to all the back-biting and politicking for people who are trying their utmost to get rid of me.
All I am asking for is a bit of “peach blossom luck”, yet that never happens as well. Right now I am working to support myself, as well as to pay back whatever debts I still have left, and to rebuild up a capital at the same time. But honestly, if what I hope for come true and I get to marry relatively well, I do not care whether I work or not. I do not mind being a homemaker and taking care of kids and the household, taking care of the spouse and parents. I find that much more meaningful than working my life away and being subject to all the politicking around.
Honestly I am quite tired. Some people can meet the right person without even looking. Why have I spent almost the whole of my adulthood looking, yet never found anyone? Worse was I met people who are downright scums, only out to cheat my feelings. For goodness sake, if one does not like the girl so much, then do not woo her and get her to start liking you, only to suddenly disappear!
The last time I really broke up with someone was mid 2005. Even that I would not consider a real serious relationship. Since then, my life has been pretty “colourful”. I started liking someone who was totally indifferent. He got a girlfriend and I could only wish him all the best. I have had bad luck where jobs were concerned. End of 2005, I went into a new job which I found interesting and thought I would be able to stay on.
2006, I met someone from the company, who went all out to woo me, showed so much interest, did so much for me, and the moment I got interested, he started blowing hot and cold. Then I got into some health issues and had to quit the company. I underwent counseling for depression. I found a new job, which I managed to hold on to until now. And I kept the ambiguous in-a-relationship-not-in-a-relationship status for another year, until the last straw came and I had to get out before I start being depressed and losing my sanity again.
Mid 2007 I met someone who sort of met up to what I was looking for. We hung out with each other for about three months, until he said he actually did not like me that much so wanted us to just “go our separate ways”. If that was the case, why not just say so in the beginning? Why told me he wanted to pursue and develop further and started giving all the wrong signals like asking me to get a car and a flat together with him, meeting his parents, meeting my parents and relatives, saying how 080808 would be a good day to get married, and even talked about wedding plans?
Alright, love cannot be forced or rushed. I accept that. I was pissed and disappointed, but moved on quickly. Then end of 2007, I got more responsibilities at work, which triggered off more problems. And I met someone else who again sort of met up to what I was looking for, and who also went all out to woo me, who did so much for me and finally got me interested, yet the same thing happened. Just when I got interested, he suddenly pulled out. I could have left it at that, but why must he pull out just when the feelings were triggered? I was so unhappy for about two months.
Come 2008, I started the year being unhappy. Not to mention the increase in work problems, and that was when all the politics started. I contemplated leaving, but my former superior gave me a pep talk and so I stayed. Then I tried focusing on other things, like my studies for instance, which took up a lot of my time. I tried going out into the dating scene again. I met a few interesting and nice guys whom I enjoy their companies immensely. But still, I have not met anyone who has shown interest and who was able to trigger my interest.
So now, eight months into 2008, everything still came to nought. Not to mention the great loss I made recently, and the backlog of problems that triggered, and the fact that for some reason, more backstabbing as well. So tell me, what exactly do I have? Besides my family whom I am grateful for, what else do I have? Currently I hardly have any assets, nor any companion, nor any iron rice bowl.
Almost three decades, and I still have not done or achieved or gained anything. There are so many people my age who has at least achieved something, be it post-graduate qualifications, or having their own families, or a senior post as a capable corporate executive, or some assets to their name. I have none to speak of, and I still need to rely on others to help me out! This is really something to be ashamed about. Is it any wonder why I feel poorer than poor?
Come to think of it, I never have that much luck in my life in the first place. Is it due to bad karma? I have had friends who change their names in order to have good karma, and once the name was changed, their lives start becoming better. Maybe that is the reason why everything go well for them and everything just go downhill for me. Perhaps I should change my name once and for all. All these years, no matter what I do, no matter what I hope for, nothing has ever come true.
When I was young, I had a secret aspiration to be a top student, get a prestigious scholarship, graduate with top honours from a top university, then start slogging away in the corporate world in a senior position. As well as being an all-rounder, scoring high distinctions in music examinations, taking part in story-telling competitions, earning gold medals in Sports Days and Swimming Carnivals, or participating in sports competitions.
None of these ever came true, and I always looked on in envy as my cousins could emerge top students, represented their schools in sports competitions, passed their piano examinations with flying colours, not to mention being fair-skinned, tall, slim, elegant, pretty and capable in the corporate world as well. Is it any wonder why they could mostly marry well? Whereas for me, studies wise I am already not on par, capability definitely not. Looks wise and height, zilch. I can only settle for being a mid-ranked executive of sorts, subject to all the back-biting and politicking for people who are trying their utmost to get rid of me.
All I am asking for is a bit of “peach blossom luck”, yet that never happens as well. Right now I am working to support myself, as well as to pay back whatever debts I still have left, and to rebuild up a capital at the same time. But honestly, if what I hope for come true and I get to marry relatively well, I do not care whether I work or not. I do not mind being a homemaker and taking care of kids and the household, taking care of the spouse and parents. I find that much more meaningful than working my life away and being subject to all the politicking around.
Honestly I am quite tired. Some people can meet the right person without even looking. Why have I spent almost the whole of my adulthood looking, yet never found anyone? Worse was I met people who are downright scums, only out to cheat my feelings. For goodness sake, if one does not like the girl so much, then do not woo her and get her to start liking you, only to suddenly disappear!
The last time I really broke up with someone was mid 2005. Even that I would not consider a real serious relationship. Since then, my life has been pretty “colourful”. I started liking someone who was totally indifferent. He got a girlfriend and I could only wish him all the best. I have had bad luck where jobs were concerned. End of 2005, I went into a new job which I found interesting and thought I would be able to stay on.
2006, I met someone from the company, who went all out to woo me, showed so much interest, did so much for me, and the moment I got interested, he started blowing hot and cold. Then I got into some health issues and had to quit the company. I underwent counseling for depression. I found a new job, which I managed to hold on to until now. And I kept the ambiguous in-a-relationship-not-in-a-relationship status for another year, until the last straw came and I had to get out before I start being depressed and losing my sanity again.
Mid 2007 I met someone who sort of met up to what I was looking for. We hung out with each other for about three months, until he said he actually did not like me that much so wanted us to just “go our separate ways”. If that was the case, why not just say so in the beginning? Why told me he wanted to pursue and develop further and started giving all the wrong signals like asking me to get a car and a flat together with him, meeting his parents, meeting my parents and relatives, saying how 080808 would be a good day to get married, and even talked about wedding plans?
Alright, love cannot be forced or rushed. I accept that. I was pissed and disappointed, but moved on quickly. Then end of 2007, I got more responsibilities at work, which triggered off more problems. And I met someone else who again sort of met up to what I was looking for, and who also went all out to woo me, who did so much for me and finally got me interested, yet the same thing happened. Just when I got interested, he suddenly pulled out. I could have left it at that, but why must he pull out just when the feelings were triggered? I was so unhappy for about two months.
Come 2008, I started the year being unhappy. Not to mention the increase in work problems, and that was when all the politics started. I contemplated leaving, but my former superior gave me a pep talk and so I stayed. Then I tried focusing on other things, like my studies for instance, which took up a lot of my time. I tried going out into the dating scene again. I met a few interesting and nice guys whom I enjoy their companies immensely. But still, I have not met anyone who has shown interest and who was able to trigger my interest.
So now, eight months into 2008, everything still came to nought. Not to mention the great loss I made recently, and the backlog of problems that triggered, and the fact that for some reason, more backstabbing as well. So tell me, what exactly do I have? Besides my family whom I am grateful for, what else do I have? Currently I hardly have any assets, nor any companion, nor any iron rice bowl.
Almost three decades, and I still have not done or achieved or gained anything. There are so many people my age who has at least achieved something, be it post-graduate qualifications, or having their own families, or a senior post as a capable corporate executive, or some assets to their name. I have none to speak of, and I still need to rely on others to help me out! This is really something to be ashamed about. Is it any wonder why I feel poorer than poor?
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