Ready For A Relationship?

When I was young, I thought as long as we met the person we had a mutual liking to, we would get into a relationship. It was as easy as that - boy met girl, both liked each other, both entered into a relationship. That was it. Both were ready.

However, as the years go by and after failed relationships, I start to wonder if I am really ready for a relationship, not just a mere relationship, but one that will last? What are the deciding factors whether you are ready for one?

I have met a few guys along the way who told me they were not ready, or indicated they were not ready to be in another relationship. But then again, if one is not ready, then do not mislead others in the first place! It gets really irritating if you think of starting something, and when the other party got interested, you suddenly withdraw. (This applies to both genders, and in between too.)

So how do you know if you are ready? Sometimes I wonder, is it because they are just not ready, or is it because of me? Am I the problem all these while? Am I really that scary? Sometimes I do wonder, do men want someone who appear so sweet and demure and nice, yet put them down and two-time them, or do they prefer someone who may be blunt, say things like they are, but who is at least truthful, non hypocritical, forgiving, accepting and faithful?

I know I do not come across as sweet and demure on first impression. In fact, I am everything men do not like. I am loud, outspoken, opinionated. I come across as fierce and authoritative. Men may shy away thinking I am demanding. But the thing is, I do not believe in deliberately acting cute and sweet just to attract a man. I believe in being myself, so people see me as it is.

However, if I am in a relationship, I do compromise. I do accommodate. I do listen to the guy. And his happiness means everything to me. For sure I will remain faithful. I will not put him down and will accept all his flaws and shortcomings. Heck, I am never the unfaithful one, nor the one who was putting the partner down. In fact, I was often the one being told to change into this or that, and still got dumped for someone else! I do not believe in stringing people along, or stepping into two or more boats at the same time. I have no time nor energy to do that!

I often ask myself, am I ready for a relationship? I think so. I know what a relationship entails. I know what I should do. I want so much to give my all to a guy, to treat his family as my own, and his friends as my own too. I want so much to do things with a guy, to be his buddy and best friend, and vice versa. And I believe I am over the "emotional baggage" and "still haunted by the past" phase.

I am ready to start anew with someone. I only hope the next person I meet whom I have a genuine liking to feel the same way, and not hanging me in between or do not feel anything towards me. I have kissed enough frogs, now it is the time to find the "prince". I am just putting my faith in that anything is possible!

The Age Of Sensibility

I am rather surprised at myself, but happy at the same time. In the past, I feel uncomfortable whenever I had any conflict (actually I still do). So I would feel really awkward if I had to meet the person I had conflict with, or who had triggered my emotions whatsoever.

Last night there was a gathering of friends, for a dinner, movie and drinks. There was someone there whom I thought I would feel awkward seeing, considering certain things that happened. I was kind of thinking the person would not turn up, but everyone who said they are coming did come (except for those who told me in advance they would not come).

Initially, I thought when we met each other, we would be feeling so awkward and uncomfortable, but we could still jibe and talk per normal. As old friends. No sign of any discomfort or awkwardness whatsoever! No emotional conflict or turmoil as well! We just carried on as per normal as if nothing happened!

I am not sure if that is a good or bad sign, but at least I am glad I do not shy away from situations like that anymore. If it was in the past, I would have not turned up due to some trumped up excuse, but I could not not go last night since I was the one who organised the outing!

I guess that is a sign of maturity. Not the pettiness and cowardice of youth. Not the bearing of grudges, but of generosity and carrying on as per normal. We had conflict, we shrugged it off, we treat each other as normal. That is a sign of growth. A pity not everyone can do that, most never do outgrow this phase. So I am really happy I have!

Another Short Story

I wanted to utilise what I learnt back in university (Literature, History, et al), so I have been contemplating an attempt at historical fiction. Most historical fictions I have read are on romance anyway, so I started thinking about something that could combine history, culture and romance all in one. And thus became another idea for a short story. Thought about the plot for ages, but it is only recently when I started formulating a story out of the setting.

China, late 1950s. The village chief’s daughter came back after studying in Shanghai and Hong Kong. She came back with modern ideas to help the village, but being a girl, she was often looked down upon and criticized for being “loose” due to her modern ideas and ways. One day, she was walking towards the farms and almost got knocked down by a bicycle, but the men, being the typical chauvinistic country bumpkins of those eras, refused to lend her a hand.

A young lad from the neighbouring village helped her up when she fell down due to the bicycle, and they became friends. She observed the local school facilities, and decided to encourage her fellow village girls to go to school. So she helped to revamp the school and facilities, with objections from the elderly men and women of course.

The young lad helped her out, and she taught him to read and write more, even teaching him English. He was impressed by her knowledge and helpfulness, and he had no qualms about her modern ideals and outlook. In fact, he encouraged her opinions and was captivated by her worldliness. Feelings were growing between those two, but unfortunately, her father had her match-made to the son of a rich man who owned the two villages and all the land behind them combined.

She, being the modern lady she was, refused to adhere to an arranged marriage. Her father had her locked up in the house and forced her into the "sedan" that would carry her to her husband’s place. She missed her “boyfriend” very much and he missed her too, but they could not get a word to each other.

Three months into the marriage, they chanced upon each other, and he witnessed how her husband abused her by beating her in public each time she spoke her mind. She was so unhappy that in the end, she decided to just run away altogether. She took her dowry to return to her husband’s family and asked for an annulment of marriage. Then she used her savings and bought the first boat ticket out of China. Initially she asked that guy whether he wanted to go with her, but he did not have enough savings for a boat trip, so in the end she had to leave without him. She went to Singapore, found a nice place with a landlady and her son, and got a job teaching in a school.

Two years passed. She became close friends with her landlady’s son, who was developing feelings for her. Her landlady also liked her a lot and hoped they would make a match. However she took him only as an elder brother. One day, she dropped her books on her way to class, and turned around and saw the new janitor of the school. With a shock, she recognized it was the guy she left behind!

Apparently, he finally managed to save up and come to Singapore, and he had been there for half a year looking for her. They were so happy to see each other that they picked up their romance where they left off. They would go picnicking in the Botanic Gardens, strolling by the Singapore River, and she would invite him for dinner at her place, introduced him to her landlady and the son.

The son got jealous as he felt the guy was not a match to her, since she was higher educated, more knowledgeable, better job, etc. He tried his best to break them apart. She was stuck on him, but on his part, being a guy, he slowly started to feel he was inadequate. The landlady’s son further poisoned his mind that if they ever got married, would he expect his wife to be the better one and support him? It was almost unheard of in those times (1950s – early 1960s).

So the guy saw an advertisement to work in Malaysia, and he decided to go there for better prospects. He asked her to go along with him, but she was hesitant as she did not wish to give up her job in Singapore. He took it that she looked down on him so he left without her. She was upset, but believed he would write to her.

The landlady’s son took the opportunity to comfort her and told her to move on and be with someone better. The guy did write to her, twice every week, but all his letters were waylaid by the landlady’s son, so she never received a single letter and he never received a single reply. Still, he continued writing to her.

There was this guy he met in Malaysia who later died of an illness. The guy had a sister and asked him to help take care of the sister. He was in a dilemma as he knew the girl liked him but he did not want to ruin her life by marrying her and not loving her. So he wrote to his girlfriend again, telling him his dilemma, and if she would only go to Malaysia, they would patch back. The letter was of course waylaid by the landlady’s son, who wrote to him using her name, saying she was happy with the landlady’s son so he should just forget about her and start life anew. When he received the letter, he was so heartbroken and decided to marry the friend’s sister.

By a twist of fate, she realized what happened to all the letters he sent to her. She confronted the landlady’s son who finally confessed his love for her, who said he wanted her to forget about the guy, and said the guy was getting married. She took the first train to Malaysia to look for him, but was too late to prevent a wedding. Heartbroken, she went back to Singapore and cried for a week.

The landlady’s son then realized his folly and was very guilty and apologetic, but she refused to forgive him. Then a lawyer came to visit her, saying her father had died in China and left her all his money. She went back to the village and settled everything, took the money plus her savings and left to further her studies in England.

That was in 1964. She left when Singapore and Malaysia were on tense relations. Then independence came. Malaysian Chinese who were not born there were under scrutiny and life became rather hard for them. So the guy came back in 1967. There were riots where he was staying in Malaysia, and his house got burnt down. His wife died in the fire so he came back to Singapore with his young son.

He did not have many friends so he could only go looking for his former girlfriend where she was last staying. He met the landlady’s son. The landlady had since passed away and the son had taken over the house. The girl was still not back so the son, to alleviate his guilt, allowed the guy and the son to stay there, rent-free, hoping she would come back one day.

He was not highly educated or skilled, and there was nothing he could really do except farming, so in the end, he decided to set up a coffee stall and eke out a better living for himself and his son. About four years after she left (in 1968), she finally came back. She saw him again with his son, and took care of the boy as if she was the mother. She also helped him out in his stall, until people started calling her “Mrs Boss”.

Both still had feelings for each other, but refused to admit. Even the landlady’s son encouraged both of them to make up for lost time and get together again, but she did not wish to have her heart broken again by the same person, and he felt ashamed to ask her to be with him again after hurting her. Then the boy got kidnapped by one of those kidnappers who were rather abundant in the late 1960s. In order to save the boy, she found out where he was taken, and offered herself to exchange for him. She was gang raped and kept in the basement of the kidnapper’s house. He, in a bid to save her, went to take on the kidnappers on his own, and was beaten up, captured and thrown into the same basement.

The landlady’s son managed to trace their whereabouts and had the boy rescued, but the kidnappers refused to tell him where he kept the other two. So he had to keep searching for his friends. Meanwhile, in the basement of the house, the two finally admitted their feelings to each other. She said if she could get out alive, she would want to start over. And he said if he could get out alive, he did not wish to waste anymore time. They have been bouncing back and forth for ten years, he did not wish to drag on anymore, and proposed to her there and then. She accepted without any hesitation.

In the end, the police managed to find them. The kidnappers were captured, the prisoners were released, and they got married. They just went to the Registry and signed on the papers, no pomp or fanfare whatsoever. Forty years on, the coffee stall they set up later became a huge chain, and they have three grown children.

The landlady’s son then had a closing statement, “I never knew what love is until I met these two. It is true that with love, qualifications, materialism and status all do not matter. What matters is the character and the commitment, plus the determination to be together against all odds. And that is true love, the reality of the care between two people, not the fairytale romance as always read about in books.”

Exhibitions!

There are a few interesting exhibitions around. Besides, after living here all my life, it is time I check out the other museums, even though I have not been to the History Museum after it was renovated. What an irony that I used to do the leases for all the museums in my previous company, yet I have never been to any!

First will be the exhibition of the Kangxi Emperor at the Asian Civilisations Museum. Then it will be the display of Peranakan culture at the Peranakan Museum (where else?!). It is time I actually visit the Philatelic Museum too. I have been collecting stamps all my life, so I should go see how the old stamps look like.

Then it will be the Da Vinci exhibition, which is not at the Museum, but the Science Centre. This is something I have always wanted to see, especially since there will be a Mona Lisa display too! Finally I should go check out the Mint Museum of Toys, where I can see the display of all my favourite toys when I was young (and even now), plus I heard there is a good cafe there!

Why did I not go see these earlier? Maybe because in the deepest recesses of my mind, I hope to go see these places with someone special? But now that that is not feasible, I may as well go on my own. Afterall, why should I give up nice and interesting things just because I am on my own?

In Servitude

The normal midweek ice-skating session is cancelled last night, so I went for a CHOICE Prayer Meet with some friends. One thing about the CHOICE committee is that they have a mission, so they really want to serve. For instance, whenever they ask for participants or volunteers, someone will plan the logistics in terms of transport and food.

Thus the time when I went for the retreat, someone gave me a ride there, and someone gave me a ride back. Then when I went for the training session on Sunday, I was also given a ride there and back. Not only that, people would buy food and snacks on their own expense, anything to make the rest comfortable.

Last night's Prayer Meet was at someone's house. They are hospitable, open up their house for people, their television and computer, and even prepared food and drinks for everyone! This is what I always like to do - to serve with a warm and loving heart with no strings attached. I am not so noble to enter a convent and be a nun, I still want to get married and have a family, but since I like to do things like that, my partner should be of the same mindset when it comes to mission and serving in the name of God, and being warm and hospitable to make others happy.

Hence I wrote a petition to Mary. Christians in general will frown on this, but from my experience with Novena, my prayers (some of them at least) do come true. Since a friend will be going to Lourdes next week, I have written a petition for him to bring to Our Lady of Lourdes, hopefully there will be a miracle and my prayers will come true. He has kindly agreed to send in my petition, together with my friend's.

I know I am impatient, and I know everything is under God's control in His time, but I believe I can ask for what I want and desire. Since I have already been praying for so long, it helps to do something to make my prayers come true even faster. There is nothing else left to do but to believe, and that is what I am going to do. Placing my faith in that all will fall into place.

Four Years On ....

Another twenty-eighth of May. Four years already. Has it been this long? Time really flies. A whoosh and before you know it, this blog has been going on for four years. Each time I contemplated quitting, retiring, but each time I just feel like writing more, even though there may be nothing much to write about lately.

At times I wonder why do I still keep going on if this blog has given me more trouble than peace? Maybe it was due to some of the things I write in my earlier days. Maybe it was due to how emotional and bitchy I used to be. Maybe it was due to the negative mentality I had. Even though I had outgrown all these phases and have become calmer and more positive, some who knew me from days long ago still could not accept certain things.

But who does not make mistakes? People who know me now, or in recent times, in the past couple of years, will never believe I used to be negative, not confident, anti-social and introverted, who revolved my life around the guy I was seeing that time, no matter how he treated me and no matter how I got cheated.

But it was through these that I picked myself up and became confident, got through my self-esteem problem, became sociable and somewhat extroverted, became more outspoken (something which I repressed for a long time) and opinionated, and essentially just went back to being myself with nary a care.

Thus, recent friends have remarked that I am outspoken, opinionated, bitchy, and the way I speak may scare off people. So be it! I do not become like this for nothing. After a very depressing time, I resolved never to get cheated or to revolve myself around any man again! I have made lots of resolutions, but that is one I intend to keep, all to protect myself from harm and undesirable men, must as I yearn for a good man.

So anyway, back to this blog. Upon looking back at my earlier entries, I do feel ashamed somewhat that I was a worse being. I hope I am now a better person. People do grow. Much as I like to hide my earlier entries, I told myself that is who I am, that was who I used to be. Everyone has a past. Instead of hiding, why not just let it remain and face it?

Without a past, there will be no future. To truly be at peace with myself, I must face my past and able to let go and just look back with an objective view, instead of hiding. If I am to hide, then it will not be real. So whoever who bothers to actually read the earlier entries will find out the real me through the years, and not just a facade.

Hence this still continues. Still filled with my ramblings and ravings of my mundane existence. Perhaps this will go on forever, perhaps I will retire it one day. But till then, this remains as a key to unlock my inner feelings.

Live Long And Prosper!

I watched “Star Trek” and “Young Victoria” last night. For someone who has never watched “Star Trek” before (even though I love “Star Wars”), I went in without expecting anything. I was not really interested to watch “Star Trek” initially, but after diehard fans have told me how good the movie is, I decided to go for it.

Of course, I know some characters here and there. For instance, I know about Captain Kirk and Spock the Vulcan. I know about the USS Enterprise. I know the on-goings inside the space ship. And I know the famous hand sign and the slogan. But I do not know the actual storyline and background behind the entire story.

So I watched this show as how I watched most other shows – as just a movie and wondering how it will be like. And I was not disappointed. The scenes and effects are really cool, especially the beginning. The battle scenes are great. I am no Star Trek fan, so there is nothing much else to comment on, but this is a great show on its own!

Making A CHOICE Commitment

I attended a training session for the CHOICE weekend yesterday. As some may recall, I went for the recent April weekend. Even though I was not as enriched as the rest since I am already at a relatively satisfactory stage of my life, there were quite a few troubled people around. So at the end of the session when the organizers were asking for volunteers for subsequent weekends, I signed up for it. Hence the training session.

I have not been told exactly what I would be doing though. I would not mind presenting, sharing my experiences with the rest, with regards to some of the themes. Apparently, not everyone can be a presenter, and one must be comfortable sharing certain aspects of your life. Some of the presenters actually broke down while sharing.

For me, I hope my words and experiences will inspire others. Okay, inspire is too strong a word, but at least I hope they can be a source of comfort that they are not the only ones going through certain things, that I, too, have gone through certain things in life, that I do understand and able to relate to a certain extent how they feel.

In any case, I am already living an “open” life, so there is no difference blogging about my life to friends and strangers, and whoever who reads (most of whom I have no idea too), and sharing certain aspects with people of the same faith who are going through the same things, especially on how God and my family have helped me in certain ways.

I would also not mind helping out with housekeeping, cooking the food and cleaning the place after that. All in the name of service. The housekeeping crew made my stay at the retreat house relatively comfortable, so the least I can do is to contribute the same way to others and make their time nice and comfortable too.

After the session, we went to a neighbourhood food centre and indulged in a steamboat and crab meal! Delicious! After that, one of the organisers asked if I would mind writing letters for the others, so I said yes. If I can write and help others, that is a great combination! There will also be a Choice Asian Conference next year, held here, so the one in charge was asking for volunteers to help in some way or another.

It seems to be a biennial event. The one last year was held in Kuching, for those who attended Choice from all over Asia, like Singapore, Malaysia, Indonesia, Macau. It was in August 2008. The next one will be Octoer 2010. I was rather hesitant about helping out in this, because if all turns out well and my prayers do come true, I will be heavily committed in October 2010, and may not even have the time to do anything else! However, since this is for God, I figured it will be best to help out.

I need to contribute some ways back to religion. Save for praying and attending church, I never really contributed a lot where religion is concerned. Of course, there was the stint with the church choir, but that is only serving a small community per se. It is not reaching out to fellow Catholics or Christians along the way. Whereas to be part of CHOICE takes a lot of commitment, but it reaches out to a bigger spectrum of people.

Religion is essentially a commitment after all. One does not get baptized then just sit around and not do anything and expect everything to come true. Just like one does not say get involved in a relationship then sit around not doing anything and expect the other party to keep the relationship going.

A relationship with God is a lifelong process, just like how I like God to answer my prayers, I ought to be more committed in my path with Him. Now I only hope there is the chance to go on a mission trip somewhere. Not to preach or evangelise, but just to help build houses or schools, help the poor and outreach to the under priviledged. If only I can find things like that, it will be really great!

An Overdose Of Movies?

I was in a sappy mood (what is new lately?) for the weekend so ended up with a movie marathon. First I went to watch the long awaited for “Angels and Demons” and then “Night At The Museum 2” with a friend.

Then I went to buy movie discs, of shows which I have watched but wanted to re-watch, as well as shows which I have not watched but always wanted to watch. So I ended up becoming a couch potato the rest of Saturday and part of Sunday. I bought “Big Fish”, “Hairspray”, “Before Sunset” and “After Sunset”, “X-Men” trilogy, “P.S. I Love You”, “Australia” and “Love In The Time Of Cholera”.

Saturday night I started with “Big Fish”. When I first watched the show, I remember it as a heart-warming show, with an almost fairytale like quality to it. It kind of reminds me that sometimes, one should indulge in fantasy in order to live a life. Now that I re-watched it again, the meaning is so much clearer. A beautiful show of a father’s love for his son, a man’s unwavering and determined love for his wife, and an individual’s love for the people around him.

Do you want to be a big fish in a lake, with people cheering you on? Or do you want to be one of those people cheering on a big fish? Do you want to help others with no strings attached, trying your best in whatever you do, or do you want to be a loser who is always sitting in the shadows? I guess at the end of the day, the impact you had on others reflect on the way people help you out when in need and the turn out at your own funeral.

Then I went on to “Australia” and the “X-Men” trilogy. “Australia” is also a moving show on the assimilation of Aborigines into white culture, and the colonialisation of the place, which the government gave up around the 1970s. Australia may be a relatively new country, but it is amazing what the migrants can do in just a hundred years or so.

Watching “X-Men” again refreshes my mind to the shows, and it made watching the recent “Wolverine” much better, since everything is now better connected. I must say, “Wolverine” is pretty well-made, since it about clears off the confusion and the transition to “X-Men”. At least audiences will have a better picture on how Wolverine became Wolverine.

Next up was “Hairspray”. Only one word – stupendous! The singing, dancing, choreography, everything about the show was excellent! Not to mention the fat suit and big hair which Mr Grease himself cross-dressed in. :-p No wonder people say the sixties is a totally cool and hip era! Now I think I was born twenty years too early. :-(

Finally it was “P.S. I Love You”, about the perfect love story between a couple. They met each other when she was on a holiday, and settled into domestic bliss after marriage. It was no easy marriage, since they had their little quarrels and disagreements, but when he died, she could hardly keep her life going.

However, he sensed it would be what she would be going through, so he would write her letters and messages to arrive after his death, and each letter sent her on a new adventure, something he wanted her to do but she never had the guts to. Along the way, she realized that a caring family and wonderful girl friends helped a lot. Finally, she managed to move on and fall in love again.

After watching the show, I started sniffling again. It is really a wonderful thing to have someone love and understand you so well! And to have the person love you enough to want you to go on with your life, even without him. To let go of the past and move on to embrace a better future for yourself. If I find someone like that, I will not mind even dying for him!

It is not the end yet though. I still have “Star Trek” (which those who have watched are all raving about it) and “Young Victoria” tonight, then finish up with the Sunset movies, culminating in “Love In The Time Of Cholera” as the finale. Alright, I am an official nutcase after this! ;-p

Much Ado About Nothing

I finally went to watch the next running of Shakespeare In The Park, after missing out on "Midsummer Night's Dream" the last time round. "Much Ado About Nothing" is essentially a comedy of errors with a happy ending. Despite being a local production (not that local since there were a few foreigners), the casting was pretty good! Especially for Beatrice and Benedick.

Oh, I love Benedick! He is not the dashing, lovey gushing character like Romeo, but his wits are amazing indeed! And his infamous quotation :

"I do much wonder that one man, seeing how much another man is a fool when he dedicates his behaviors to love, will, after he hath laughed at such shallow follies in others, become the argument of his own scorn by failing in love: and such a man is Claudio. I have known when there was no music with him but the drum and the fife; and now had he rather hear the tabour and the pipe: I have known when he would have walked ten mile a-foot to see a good armour; and now will he lie ten nights awake, carving the fashion of a new doublet. He was wont to speak plain and to the purpose, like an honest man and a soldier; and now is he turned orthography; his words are a very fantastical banquet, just so many strange dishes. May I be so converted and see with these eyes? I cannot tell; I think not: I will not be sworn, but love may transform me to an oyster; but I'll take my oath on it, till he have made an oyster of me, he shall never make me such a fool. One woman is fair, yet I am well; another is wise, yet I am well; another virtuous, yet I am well; but till all graces be in one woman, one woman shall not come in my grace. Rich she shall be, that's certain; wise, or I'll none; virtuous, or I'll never cheapen her; fair, or I'll never look on her; mild, or come not near me; noble, or not I for an angel; of good discourse, an excellent musician, and her hair shall be of what colour it please God. Ha! the prince and Monsieur Love! I will hide me in the arbour."

Wow... that speech really turns me on! And for a confirmed bachelor to actually fall in love, yet too proud to admit it.. that is something else altogether! In a way, I am kind of like Beatrice - her pride to admit her feelings. But seeing how those two banter is really what stole the show!

My only gripe is that, for a play to be featured in a park, not just any park, but the park, I end up going alone. The rest are either couples or families, with their own picnic mats and snacks, whereas I sit alone on the grass, with no one but myself and the occasional ants crawling up my body for company. How I wish I really have someone with me!

Marina Barrage

Finally I went to the newly reclaimed project on Thursday night to meet some friends for dinner. A friend and I reached at dusk, and the view is beautiful indeed, especially in the sunset. It seems like a cosy and romantic place for couples, especially at night, because the night view of the Central Business District is spectacular indeed!

In any case, I did not bring my camera (again!) so the photos were taken from my phone and uploaded. Hopefully the quality is not too bad!

Apparently this stretch links to East Coast directly

Behind the Barrage on the circular stretch facing the business district

The Pump Room (where the water works are)

Internally Conflicted ....

"In sooth I know not why I am so sad, you say it wearies you, I say it wearies me." Famous words from Antonio of "Merchant of Venice". I really should start reading Shakespeare all over again, something I have not done for a very long time! Incidentally, I am in the mood for quotations since I will be watching "Much Ado About Nothing" tonight. Wonder how the local production will be like?

In any case, I am internally conflicted. I care deeply about someone, who has been withdrawing and keeping a distance for the past couple of weeks. Part of me wants to just give up and move on, the other part of me cannot bear to let go, because if I am to give up at this time, I will be really heartless, especially since that person has been having problems at work and home.

Advise from well-meaning friends tell me to just move on and get on with my life. I know. I should do that. I should just let go and leave that person alone to sort out the issues. All I can do is to pray and support behind the scenes, without doing anything else. But whenever I try to do that, I start to feel bad, because I miss our time together, I am upset about the sudden withdrawal, and I worry immensely about the problems this person is facing.

Which is why I am internally conflicted. On the surface, I am still bubbly, still happy, still meeting friends and going on with my life, still going for concerts and movies. But internally, I have an unspoken worry and concern which does not help matters, but I still cannot help myself from worrying.

That is what happens when one is such an emotional person! No matter how much stronger I have become, I still cannot change my right brain from controlling all my actions! Despite me telling myself I should just go on with my life and that I deserve better, it is still the same! But I am not going to do anything much save to just live my life as per normal, and then pray that things will fall in place, that if I keep my faith going, miracles will happen.

My (Almost) Complete Collection Of Short Stories

Kind of think it is now time to share some of the short stories I have written. The outline that is. The very first story, many would have already known, since it was in one of my earlier posts. Since then, I have written about four more short stories through the years. Written as in completed, and not still in draft mode.

Some time ago, I did say I was formulating a book. Initially, I wanted it to be a novel, but now I think it will be pushing things a bit since I do not have much substance to formulate a novel, thus I decided to start with a collection of short stories. It is going to be a collection of eight short stories, so I only have three more to go. But then again, in all honesty, who will really read my works?

Anyway, for those who care, these are the outlines to the other short stories I came up with.

Story 2 - The Wings Of Fate

This was written before the Millennium Bug, but ranged five years. That point in time, there was this talk about the end of the world approaching. So there was a third World War. The main character had been with her boyfriend for five years, but ever since his family members died in the war, he decided to go be a priest.

Heartbroken, she went to Turkey (Europe and Asia was fighting for territory so she went as a volunteer nurse). She saved two Singaporean missionaries from being beaten to death by the locals, and one of them happened to be her school mate. It was the end of the war and she was due back home, but she spent a week with the two Singaporeans before going home.

A month later, her school mate called her and asked her out for dinner. He and his friend wanted to treat her for helping them out. The country was still recovering post-war so there were not that many places to go. In the end, they settled for a hawker centre near her place. Since then, she and her school mate met up once in a while and got to know each other much better. They went for a course gathering, and their school mates were surprised to see them getting along so well, as they never used to talk, but at the gathering they looked as if they were together.

Two years later, she managed to save up enough money to further her studies abroad. She was hesitant to go as she felt she would miss him, but she made up her mind in the end. He went for dinner with her the day before she left. Even though he wished her all the best, gave her practical gifts to survive overseas, he was really going to miss her, but he didn’t want to say anything as he was afraid she would not feel the same way. In the end, she still left.

They did not keep in touch. But three months later, she came back for a vacation. He happened to know about it from another friend and this time, he told her how much he missed her when she was away, and really wished she would not need to go anymore. This time round, she caved in and said she could finish the course via distance learning, so they officially got together.

He proposed to her nine months later, they had a nice wedding and settled into domestic bliss. However, since both of them are busy, they find it hard to find time to date as before. They took for granted they lived together so did not really spend time talking and interacting. Even their sex life went downhill.

A couple of years into their marriage, he was always working late, so by the time he reached home she was already asleep. She wrote in her diary that she felt something was wrong, but she could not quite pinpoint it, and felt she should trust him.

One day, her mother-in-law bought her movie tickets and asked her to go to his office to surprise him, then they should go for a dinner and movie together. When she reached his office, she saw his secretary kissing him. She was so upset that she went back to her mum’s place for the weekend.

Later on, she realized she was pregnant, and he then came running to apologise to her and said that there was nothing going on between he and his staff. So she decided to forgive him and they started over anew, saving their marriage.

Story 3 - A Winter Love Song

This is my personal favourite. She was an undergrad at London School of Economics. One Easter, she went to Wales to go to the beach side and enjoy the spring breeze. She met an Asian guy and they spent a happy day together. He was listening to a Jacky Cheung CD, which also happened to be her favourite.

Then he walked her back to the hotel, but never got her name. The next morning, while she was checking out, the lady at the counter passed her a package and told her a Chinese guy dropped it off “for the long haired Chinese girl”. She opened it and saw the Jacky Cheung CD, with a note he wrote that he had a great time yesterday and he was now giving her the CD as a “meeting present”.

Few months later, she started school again in her final year. She went to a bookshop in Notting Hill to look for reference books. And she met him again, as he worked in the bookshop during the weekends. He helped her pick out the books she was looking for, then told her she must be a final year Business student at LSE, judging from the books she picked out. Then he told her that he works there every weekend, so if she needs any more books, feel free to drop by.

Few days later, while she was strolling in the streets of London, an old lady happened to collapse near the Thames river, and someone on a bike came by and said he was a medical student and went to help her. It was him! She then ordered takeaway food from a Chinese restaurant in London and he came delivering her food. She then realized that he was also working part-time four evenings a week at a Chinese restaurant. After that she found out he was a medical student from Hong Kong, studying in Cambridge University, and taking on several jobs to make ends meet.

He started dropping by her place, giving her leftovers from the restaurant, giving her books she needed. Then he asked her to meet him at the entrance of Trinity College of Cambridge University, where there is a very nice lake and cosy environment to study. They started meeting there often. Feelings were abundant but unspoken.

Their first Christmas together, he told her he was giving up his dream of being a houseman at the Royal London Hospital, instead he was following her back to Singapore to apply for a job there after graduation. She was so happy to hear that! On New Year’s Eve, he was supposed to propose to her officially, but her scarf flew away and he went to retrieve it for her, but a car skidded on the snow and knocked him down. He died instantly. She cried her heart out and brought back mementoes of their time together.

Many years later, she is now the head of Business Development at some local listed company. She is engaged to the Chief Executive Officer’s son, the Vice-President, who pursued her for five years before she finally agreed to be with him. But somehow her smile is gone. She is no longer her bubbly self.

One day, there was a new colleague, and once they were introduced, there was a sensation in her heart which she had never felt for a long time. She and this new colleague had to work on projects together, and they often went out drinking with clients until quite late at night. One night she was crossing the street when a car almost came and knocked her down, but her colleague pulled her back.

They locked eyes for a second and it was then both realized the extent of their feelings for each other. They went home and both started listening to Trademark’s "Only Love" at the same time. Because it was two in the morning, and rain was falling, they were at some crossroads when he pulled her back and they fell in love.

Both went to Shanghai for three months for work, and started an affair. However, since she was still engaged and he had a girlfriend, they called the whole thing off before returning to Singapore, so as not to hurt their respective partners. Shortly after he returned, he broke up with his girlfriend, but she resolved not to hurt her bf ever again, so decided to carry forward the wedding plans.

On the day they were supposed to take the wedding photos, the boyfriend received a call saying that the guy had been hospitalized due to a traffic accident. She panicked and rushed to the hospital to take care of him. She was there throughout the time he was there. Her bf was not happy of course, but he left her alone and not tried to pressure or bug her in any way.

In the end, she recounted to him her experience in England – how she witnessed the guy she loved being knocked down and died and she could not do a thing, and how she did not wish for the same thing to happen. They then decided to break up totally – as she did not want to continue being unfair to him, and he did not want to hold on to someone who never really quite loved him.

She continued taking care of the other guy in the hospital. Unfortunately, because she felt guilty to have hurt so many people, when the guy recovered and expressed his feelings to her, she decided not to be with him and went back to England to further her studies.

A year and half later, she went to New York to attend the wedding of her ex-fiance, who managed to move on with his life and started another relationship soon after she left for England. Seeing him happy lessened her guilt. In the airport about to board the plane to England, she met that guy again. This time he decided to go to England to be with her and she decided to give him a chance after all.

Story 4 - Against All Odds

This needs a bit of fine tuning. Somehow something does not feel right. Its about this two neighbours who grew up together. He went to Police Academy after his university studies, and she went overseas to study. He always thought she was the girl whom he would end up with, so he was quite upset when she came back from her studies and introduced her boyfriend to him.

She and her boyfriend decided to get married shortly after. However, on the day of the wedding, she discovered her husband was actually two-timing her with her room mate back in college, so she ran away from the wedding reception and filed for divorce. He tried his best to pursue her back, but to no avail. Even her neighbour asked her to give him another chance, but she refused to forgive.

Then she discovered she was pregnant. She wanted to terminate the pregnancy, but her parents scolded her out of it, so she decided to keep the child. Her ex-husband found out about her pregnancy and again tried to win her back, but she did not want to have anything more to do with him and decided to bear the child on her own. The only thing he did was to give her a chequebook and supplemental credit card which she could use for the child’s living expenses.

She gave birth to a son, who bore her surname, and was raised by her parents, and the neighbours, who became the god father and the god grandparents. One day, when her child was about a year old, her dad got a stroke and was hospitalized. She became close to the doctor treating her dad and he actually wanted to pursue her, but she did not want anymore romance in her life and just wanted to raise her son on her own.

A while later, she was robbed on her way home and the robbers accidentally pushed the baby into a ditch. He could not be saved and she suffered a breakdown, which she had to be sedated for a very long time. It was her mother and neighbour who helped her and comforted her throughout that period of time.

She went for therapy, managed to get over things and went back to her bubbly self, all the while keeping her son’s baby photo with her. One day, she told her neighbour he did not need to accompany her anymore as she had fully recovered. She thanked him very much but she said he should go on with his life and find a girlfriend, instead of always keeping her company.

Finally, he asked her, what would she do if he said he already found the girl he liked, and if he wanted to accompany her always? She was stunned and avoided him for the next few days. In the end, she realized that he has been there for her all these while, he never wavered in his care and concern, supported her in whatever she did, always being there when she was down. What more would she need? So she finally decide to accept him, and they got married and had a child a year later.

Story 5 - A Musical Romance

I wrote this when I was fantasizing how my final relationship is going to be like, and what I would do when and if I ever enter into another relationship. The main characters met each other at a singing group. They performed together. She is an amateur opera singer and he is singing as a hobby. She liked him first, but they never really got together despite spending time with each other and chatting online often.

One day, before the rehearsal for another performance, she went to Europe for a journey of self-discovery of sorts. She came back on the day of the rehearsal. He realized he actually missed her a lot when she was away. Anyway, the performance ended and they went clubbing to celebrate. He asked for a dance and they were doing the salsa together, when the music suddenly changed to a slow dance.

So he grabbed her hand and they were dancing close to each other, when suddenly he said they have known each other for a while, maybe they should progress further? All she gave him was a big smile and that confirmed their relationship. They then went out for supper with their friends and they started holding hands in front of everyone.

When she went home in a cab with her friend, he sent her a text asking her to let him know when she reached home. That was what she did. The next morning, he woke up early and sent her a text, saying he could not sleep and asked if she would like to go to his place and meet up with his friends in the evening. So she agreed. She then spent a day at his place, just accompanying each other.

Since then, they behaved like any committed couple – he got to meet her parents and go her place quite frequently, she went to his place and did the housework for him, like cooking, ironing, laundry, etc. They even bought a car together. And they still hung out with the people from the singing group. She even went to give him supper when he had to be stuck overnight in the office rushing his work. She sent him off and picked him up each time he had to go for business trips. They get along very well with each other’s family and friends.

One day, after another round of performance of which she was the main lead, he proposed to her in front of all their friends. She agreed of course. Then he had to go on a business trip. Upon coming back, they met their friends at a lounge and started drinking. One girl bumped into them and hinted on a great time she had with him overseas.

He was sorry, and tried to shirk the girl away. The fiancée kept her cool, and while driving him back, he was so drunk that all he said was he did not want to get married, but he proposed to her because he knew she wanted to. She was so upset and heartbroken that after helping him into his bed since he was drunk, she put the proposal ring on his desk and left.

The next morning, he could not contact her at all. He saw the ring which she put on his desk and rushed to her place. Her mum said she was still in the room. He went to her room, but she refused to let him in. But she did not want her parents to kick up a fuss, so she let him in, and he saw that she had been crying her eyes out the whole night.

He apologized sincerely, but she refused to listen. He had to continue coaxing and apologizing, convincing her that he really really want to marry her and promising that he would never fool around again. She, loving him deeply, agreed to give him one chance and forgave him. And hence they got married.

So here there, my collection of short stories so far. Seriously, I do not think they will ever make any bestseller's list - if they even get published in the first place!

Back To The Corporate Central ....

So my first week of work went by smoothly without a hitch. I saw my supervisor on Wednesday, after he came back from medical leave. He gave me a brief over view of the structure and job scope of my responsibilities and the company. The rest of the day and week were spent helping out with things and looking through old documents and precedents to familiarize with the on-goings of the company.

For two years I could not wait to get out of the Central Business District, then I finally got my wish fulfilled. And for the subsequent three years or more, I finally worked at other areas. Somehow I never quite like the Central Business District. I always feel claustrophobic whenever I am mingling with the lunch crowd. Now finally, I have to get back in.

Luckily this time I am not directly in the middle, but towards the end of the Central Business District, so it is not that crowded as compared to the other stretch. There is a rumour that the company may be shifting as the bigger office is somewhere else, so some of them are keeping their fingers crossed we will not shift too far away!

A New Beginning To An End

I start at my new company today. I was asked to come in at ten in the morning, then the Human Resource Executive orientated me on the company's structure and benefits policy. The benefits here is much better than my previous place! Then I was brought to introduce to the staff in the office.

When I reached my desk, everything was cleared. My laptop was set up, my phone had been personalised with my name and extension on the LCD screen. For two years, I had been requesting for my own laptop because everyone else in the previous place had one except me, but in the end I gave up the idea because I was able to work remote anywhere. Now when I actually have my own laptop at work, I feel stressed as that means I have to bring work home!

I cannot help but compare. In my previous workplace, on my first day, there was not even a place for me! I ended up sitting in the store room! And my computer did not arrive until a few days later! I was not introduced to anyone, until my then boss had to bring me around, but even then, he only introduced me to those we would be dealing with. For half a year no one knew I existed.

This place seems more professional in comparison. For lunch, my colleagues of the same department brought me out and we had pasta. Apparently the General Counsel who is based in Hong Kong heads three departments, so I got to meet those from the other departments too. And this time round, I am working with more guys!

Coincidentally, the Legal Counsel sitting behind me happens to be my senior when I was doing law. I do not know him personally, but the intake had always been small, so we end up knowing everyone else by sight. He looks vaguely familiar at least!

My immediate supervisor is on medical leave today, so I ended up looking through the employee benefits booklet and ensuring my stationery is well-stocked, and I can send and receive emails. The General Counsel called me from Hong Kong just to ask how I am doing. How nice of him!

I really hope this place will be a new beginning - a new beginning to an end, or the end of a new beginning?

Handing Over ....

So I went back to the office and briefed the part-timer on what needs to be done, or rather, what else needs to be done. There are lots to hand over, and even then, I did not think I covered all bases. There were simply too many ad hoc things along the way, which people have to discover for themselves.

Thus, this part of my life is over. It is like ending a relationship. When the relationship has turned bad and you no longer know if it is worth holding on to it, it should just be let go of and start anew somewhere else. But the only difference is that, the working environment is not something I am that attached to, thus I can leave without any painful feelings, whereas for a real relationship, you end up crying your heart out when it has to end.

Hopefully my new place will be better in terms of environment. And my new relationship (if and when there is any), will also be the best, one that can last and will be the last.

Tempting Heart

It had been a rather sappy weekend. I have no idea why I was in such a sappy mood. Maybe I was mourning about the love (or lack of) in my life. Whatever it is, besides wanting to be just alone, I started indulging in sappy movies all over again.

Somehow the show "Tempting Heart" came into my mind. I remember crying when I watched that show, all those years ago. If I am not mistaken, that was the first show I watched at the newly renovated Plaza Singapura, before my music lesson which I was still attending then. It was around late 1990s or early 2000. I was still a university student.

That show is edged in my memory because it was one of the few Chinese shows which I cried after watching it. The story is of a love affair which spanned twenty years, on two star-crossed lovers, who on the surface had already moved on with their lives when the love was forced to end, but at the end, she discovered that he still loved her deeply.

What touched me at the end were the photos he took, beautiful scenery photos, photos of the sky, photos in general, which he took when he missed her badly. That was so beautiful, so touching! She cried, and so did I!

Which brought me back to the sappiness. Hmmm.... I must make a decision on certain issues in my life, whether I want to finally stop giving excuses and start leading a new life all over again, or to continue being in an ambiguous state. Decisions, decisions, decisions! As if I do not make enough decisions, that I have to do this again!

Epiphany ....

I thought my life is pretty happy until the recent down time, which I had no idea why I was even down. It is as if I have some constriction and discomfort in my chest, as if something is missing in my life, something that cannot be explained. After going out with my friend and her fiance last night, I finally realise what it is that is missing from my life, and why I was feeling down.

I need a partner. A life partner. Someone who will love me and accept me for who and what I am. Someone who can be committed and not play with my feelings or leave me hanging. Okay, I have said this for a long time, but I was rather happy being single and carefree. I was just casually making friends, meeting up with people of both genders, not having to worry about commitment or progression.

Yet it was only last night that I discovered I really need a partner. I can no longer kid myself that I am happy being single, which I have been for the past more than a year or so. But now I really want to settle down, really want to have a family. I want to lend a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, a pillar of support to someone. I want to be there to share his burdens, to be his best friend and confidante, to grow together spiritually.

That is why I am feeling down. Each time when I am committed, the other party turns out otherwise. I used to not worry, thinking someone better will come along. Each time someone better comes along, it is the same thing - either no feelings of that kind or not committed. Do I want to open my heart only to be hurt again?

I am running out of time. I want to have at least two kids by the time I am thirty-six. And I want to have at least two years after marriage to be with my partner on our own before the kids come. Which means I need to be married by the deadline I set, which is pretty soon! And for that to happen, I need to be in a relationship latest by end of this year. Which means I have to start looking now!

The thing is, I am tired of looking. I have been looking for so long, wonderful guys have come into my life, but yet nothing happens. Besides I have not been meeting new people lately. Yes, I know I am picky, but the thing is if I start to like someone, especially at this point in time, I will be committed even if there may be "better" choices. Because I think with my kind of criteria, the kind of person I can actually like will sure be of a certain calibre. So once that happens, I will stop looking. Truth be told, I have already stopped looking.

Which is why I have been praying so fervently nowadays, hoping for a miracle. I do not wish to leave anything to chance, as chances are things may not work if I leave it to chance again. I can only hope and pray that something will happen, that the time will come pretty soon, that God will yield His hand and give me the partner I have been praying for.

Lighthouse Experience

A close friend has been telling me about this church called Lighthouse Evangelism, which has two buildings on different parts of the island. She and her fiance have been attending the miraculous healing service on Saturday evenings for quite a while now. I have always showed interest in going, but for the past few weeks, I have not had the time to go. So yesterday, she offered to pick me up and we went together.

In case any of you wonder why I have this sudden streak of religious mania, it is not on a sudden basis. Before my baptism, I was going to church rather frequently. After my baptism, because of a major sin (several major sins in fact), I felt ashamed going to church. But I still went, although I did not go for confession for a long time until a year after the incident.

Then due to certain upheavals in my life, I started backsliding. For a period of time, I was lost, disillusioned and just lived life my own way without God in the picture. I kind of lost faith for a while since my prayers never come true. I even started going to church just as and when instead of every week.

Until recently. I have Christian friends whom I have lost touch with but suddenly contacted me again and sharing with me their experiences. I made new friends who are staunch Christians. I met more fellow Catholics. I was recommended to go for the retreat. And plus my job situation.

I cannot ignore anymore. It is as if God is telling me something. That I should touch base with Him again. That I should make up for lost time and start talking to Him more, praying more. With some friends who are facing crisis one after another around the same time, I really have no time to worry about myself, save to just pray for them and trusting that He will help them out.

So anyway, the Lighthouse service is pretty refreshing indeed. It is not too charismatic, not too noisy. The pastor is very inspiring! In fact, some local artistes do attend the services of one of the two buildings. I saw a few familiar faces on the screen! Based on testimony, the healing service really works, because people claimed that their illness disappear after a few sessions!

Now I only hope the one person I have been praying for all these while and whom I am immensely worried about, can be healed too, from whatever issues the person has, so this person can then face life in a more positive mode and not let the past experiences and whatever difficulties faced to affect how the person goes on in life.

Alone, Again .... Naturally

For some reason, I wanted to keep to myself for the weekend. So I started keeping silent on Saturday morning. I did not go online, did not check my mails, did not text anyone, did not go anywhere. Until my friend said she was coming to pick me up to go to her church, otherwise I was kind of a hermit almost the whole of yesterday and today too.

I do not know why I started being distant. Normally I do not "disappear" just like that. By right, I should not say "disappear" since I still replied my friend when he texted me, but somehow I wanted to be left alone, not to interact or socialise with anyone. I guess I needed time to sort out some issues.

I thought I have become emotionally stronger through the years that nothing much really affects me anymore. What is it I have not experienced as a single person? I have failed, numerous times, in various aspects of my life, and still emerged unscathed. So I thought if similar incidents occur again, I would be able to know how to handle them.

I think I am better able to handle certain situations now, but still, I do not relish that kind of ambiguous situation where I do not know what to do, which direction to go. If only there is a sign to show me what to do! Besides praying more lately, confiding in close friends my exact thoughts and feelings with no foregone conclusion, there is nothing else I can do to get rid of this confusion.

Nowadays, each time I prayed, somehow there is a deep voice telling me there is nothing to worry about, that I should just trust and not be so paranoid. I know I am paranoid, worrisome and mistrusting. Maybe it is due to past experiences that I am now afraid of getting hurt and cheated again.

But then again, since that have already happened, what is one more or less, even if the feeling is not good? What is the worst that can happen, besides being pissed and upset? Once I get all the raving, ranting and bitching out of my system, it is back to square one, back to living my life as before, back to enjoying life.

I do not know whether it is God telling me, but after hearing that voice, I feel a sense of peace. And once I stop worrying and start trusting, I feel really peaceful and tranquil. And I find this applies even to interaction with people. I used to bug others and wanted to ensure people still talk to me.

But now I have learnt how to leave others in peace, to give them space, to leave them alone. Sometimes by not doing anything, people appreciate it more than just mere talking. At times when you leave people alone to sort out their own issues, they may come bouncing back sooner than you think.

Humans are very complex creatures. If we keep bugging someone, we may turn him / her off even more. Any friendship, let alone a relationship, has to stand the test of time and trials. If we cannot even withstand trials, then there is no point in cultivating a solid friendship.

Besides, I have more things to worry about. I have friends in worse situations than me. Thus, instead of being so self-focused and moping around, I rather spend the time worrying about others. No matter what, life still goes on. My life does not revolve around one person alone, and neither do I expect people's lives to revolve around me alone.

So I will continue living my life the way it has been the past couple of years, but I will always be on the outside, looking in. And waiting. Always waiting. Waiting to listen, waiting to embrace. Waiting until God finally shows me a proper direction and opens the doors for my prayers to come true.

Mixed Feelings ....

Today is supposed to be my last day in the office, yet I still need to drop by on Monday to tie up loose ends. This week has been a mad rush. I have a handover list to do, contracts to update, documents to draft, as well as farewells to say. Nice colleagues had been buying me lunch almost the whole week.

Ironically, I seem more enthusiastic and motivated to work this week. I stayed late just to finish up my documents. I was much more focused than a few weeks back, and actually did everything meticulously. I managed to get everything out and did a proper handover.

The replacement who came in today is on a part-time basis. She became rather overwhelmed when I gave her the handover list and showed her where everything is, including the safe and the keys to the safe. She was remarking I seem to be doing three people's work all on my own! Yeah, what a pity others always think I am very free!

I sent out email farewells. Already our exernal lawyers whom I have been liaising with and the people at the Phuket office said they are sad and asked me not to go. They said they are used to my promptness, professionalism and efficiency in handling their matters. That really touched me. The people at my office always think I cannot do a thing, yet people who truly matter know how much I have done for them. I am happy that I am not totally unappreciated!

So finally, there comes a time when farewells have to be said. This is the second longest time I have ever stayed in a job, after all the short stints. Not proud to say that, but not a bad feat too! Hopefully I can last much longer in the next job, with a better working environment!

情非得以

I am in another sappy mood, and for some reason, started thinking in the Chinese language. Yes, I do listen to Chinese songs, and think of Chinese words at times. I listen to any song as long as the music touches my heart and the lyrics tell a story. And this song suddenly popped into my mind!

情非得以 - 庾澄庆

难以忘记初次见你　一双迷人的眼睛
在我脑海里　你的身影　挥散不去
握你的双手感觉你的温柔
真的有点透不过气　你的天真　我想珍惜
看到你受委屈　我会伤心

哦，哦...

只怕我自己会爱上你　不敢让自己靠的太近
怕我没什么能够给你　爱你也需要很大的勇气
只怕我自己会爱上你　也许有天会情不自禁
想念只让自己苦了自己　爱上你是我情非得已

难以忘记初次见你　一双迷人的眼睛
在我脑海里　你的身影　挥散不去
握你的双手感觉你的温柔
真的有点透不过气　你的天真　我想珍惜
看到你受委屈　我会伤心

哦，哦...

只怕我自己会爱上你　不敢让自己靠的太近
怕我没什么能够给你　爱你也需要很大的勇气
只怕我自己会爱上你　也许有天会情不自禁
想念只让自己苦了自己　爱上你是我情非得已

什么原因　我竟然又会遇见你
我真的真的不愿意　就这样陷入爱的陷阱

哦...

只怕我自己会爱上你　不敢让自己靠的太近
怕我没什么能够给你　爱你也需要很大的勇气
只怕我自己会爱上你　也许有天会情不自禁
想念只让自己苦了自己　爱上你是我情非得已
爱上你是我情非得已

Exit Interview

So I have to do an exit interview. The questions include "How do you find the culture and working environment" and "Was there anything we could do to prevent your resignation?" Hmmm.... shall I be brutally honest and blast out however I feel, as a final revenge for all the accumulated frustration all these years? Or shall I just live and let live?

Actually if everyone who resigned had to do the exit interview, and I know for a fact that many people felt the same way I feel about the general environment here and some of the people, then why do things never improve? In that case, is it even necessary to say so much?

Tendered .... With Upheavels

I finally submitted my resignation and leave application. Now I was told I could not take leave because I have "over-utilised" the leave, being pro-rated until 22nd May. How can I have utilised the leave when I have not taken much leave this year, save for time offs going for the interviews, and time off after the Phuket trip?

So I said in that case, let me take unpaid leave. And then there must be a big hoo ha saying I must show proof that I have to take leave next week. What the...? All along I have never need to show any proof of leave whatsoever! And what can I show? I cannot show the offer letter asking me to start work next week!

Even something nitty gritty like this can be blown up into such an issue. Looks like if the worst happens, I just have to forfeit a week's pay in lieu of notice. In any case, the other company is paying me more, so not too big a loss!

Having said that, this big Food and Nutrition conglomerate, whom I sent my application in two months back, asked me for an interview on Friday. They took so long just to shortlist me?! And the job scope is one which I really really like! Why does this happen only after I have accepted a new job? What a timing!

Another Outpour Of Emotions!

No matter how down and depressed I feel, life goes on. At least this is what I have been telling myself. Otherwise I may have to check in for therapy again. Lately I have been losing sleep, worrying about things, depressed about things. I find I have become insanely paranoid, untrusting, insecure, keep thinking of morbid things. In short, I am starting to become my old self again, or part of it.

A close friend just sighed and said I am in trouble. Yes, I know, and if I continue like this, I will only get into deeper trouble. I need to save myself before I lose my sanity again! Never again will I experience going to Hell and back! Once in life is more than enough! No one can ever imagine the emotional roller coaster I was on that period of time! It took a lot for me to get out of the pits, and I have made a promise to myself never to go through that again!

Now what brought that on, you may wonder? From a past lesson (or lessons) learnt, I have realised it is not wise to reveal too much, especially since I have no idea nowadays who have been reading (and skulking around). And since lately I have been feeling emotional again with an outpouring of my innermost feelings, I have to watch what I say, no matter how I like to just pour out everything.

To be honest, I have no idea why I am feeling so emotional lately. I do not even know the exact extent of how I truly feel. Am I upset, insecure, paranoid, worried, stressed, depressed? Or is my brain just going around in circles, trying to mess up everything? So why was I even feeling this way in the first place?

My left brain keeps telling me there is nothing to worry about. But my right brain cannot help sending all kinds of paranoia into the rest of my mind and body, making me ultra sensitive, breaking down my defences, essentially making me a mess again. Just when I thought I have been living in peace and happiness all these while, something must trigger me off and make me so emotional again! I am glad I can still feel, but not glad when I lose focus at everything again!

Of Breaking Up And New Relationships

Breaking up is hard to do. No, nothing to do with me since I do not have anyone to break up with right now. But I was thinking of people who have broken up before, myself included. I went to a brunch gathering earlier for those whom I met at the recent retreat. There was this guy who is still going through a bad patch. In fact, he is going through exactly what I went through six to seven years ago. Gosh, has it been that long?

Yup, getting dumped on the verge of marriage (although the difference is he had already booked the package whereas we had not booked anything), trying to cut off all contact when the ex contacted him, getting all depressed whenever a familiar area came into sight. When that relationship ended, I refused to go near his area for a very long time. When he told me all these, I can totally understand because I have been through the very same stage and experienced the very same things.

But after all these breakups, do people really learn a lesson or do they make the same mistake? If people break up, how would they know it was the right person and they have missed a chance? Breakups haunt people. For a very long time, I was paranoid, insecure, untrusting (actually I think maybe I still am). The more I do not wish for the same thing to happen, the more I screwed up and the more the same thing happened.

Maybe because I do not wish to be hurt anymore, so I tend to close myself up. But it should not be this way, is it not? Only by opening oneself and be prepared to get hurt can one truly love totally and unconditionally. Because loving someone is a great feeling, a beautiful feeling, even if there are hurts and bad times that come with it, still, it is better to love and be loved.

At times I wonder, have I lost my ability to love? To give? Ever since two years back when I made a vow to myself never to get hurt by another man again, never to be embroiled with anyone who is out to cheat me or play with my feelings. Have I inadvertently scared off all the men simply because of this psychological barrier? Maybe the way I am now, being loud, outspoken, opinionated and somewhat bitchy is due to not wanting to be hurt, thus closed myself out from everyone so as not to be hurt?

Come to think of it, when was the last time I cried? I do not mean crying while praying, but really cried my heart out? That would be from mid 2006 to mid 2007. That year was a very bad patch. I went for counselling. I cried myself to sleep every night. During the day I was normal, I worked, I talked to people, I communicated with my parents, but at nightfall, I was my very emotional and depressed self. Ever since then I never cried anymore. Sometimes I wonder if I even have any tears left.

I did not exactly take a vow of celibacy, but it has been a pretty happy time being single and available, just meeting new people, going out with friends, both old and new. True, it has been much less problematic being man-less as compared to having one. I have never felt so free, so carefree, so worry free, so satisfied with my life before.

Yet I am willing to give up my carefree single life if only I can have someone to love again. I used to think I would never cave unless the person really loves me, but I do not just want someone to love me, I want to love the person wholeheartedly, unconditionally, truly, madly, deeply. It will be good to have someone take care of me, pamper me and be there to support me, but if I really love the person, I have no qualms being the one taking care of him, being there to support him, to lend a listening ear, to contribute in any way.

I will want to be the one to cook for him, make him feel comfortable and warm after a hard day's work, do his laundry, iron his shirts, clean up his room, take care of his parents (if any), take care of his pets (if any), do little sweet things to show I care and I will always be there.

I used to think being in a relationship means the person has to share my burdens, my ups and downs. But now I realise it does not function this way. This is being one-sided, taking things for granted. A relationship is a partnership, a companionship. It is not an avenue to vent frustrations or dump emotional baggage on. Just as I like the person to lend me a listening ear and comfort me when I am down and depressed, I will also want to be the one to comfort him, to feel happy when he is happy, sad when he is sad, helpless when he is helpless. It is a two-way process.

A relationship is not all happy and dandy. People do not start because you feel happy with the person, but then call things off at the first sign of uncertainty, insecurity and down time. In every new relationship, there will always be insecurity and uncertainty. You are starting anew with someone else, you have your past hurts and disappointments, and you wonder if history wil repeat itself. I can totally understand and relate to that.

But a relationship is not just for when you are happy and have great times together. It is also when you go through sad times. When you go through sickness and health. When you adapt to each other and grow together. When you support and encourage each other. When you forgive the other party for mistakes made. When you do not point fingers and blame each other.

When you do not outdo each other. When you accommodate and tolerate each other's flaws, imperfections, quirks, peculiarities. When you accept and respect each other's families and friends. It is not a mere matter of having fun together and then running away when problems occur. It is growing old together, raising a family, having fun, keeping the love alive by spending time with each other and still be there for each other during a crisis.

And that, is how I view a relationship. That is how I view marriage. Which makes me wonder, am I really prepared for all these? Am I really ready? Will I be good enough? Will I be happy enough? Will I really make things work out this time? I cannot help but feel insecure too, that maybe I may not be serious enough, or not be good enough. But I believe when the time is right, I will be prepared and ready, willing to open up my heart to love without any barriers.

My gosh, I cannot believe I actually cried while writing this! It has been so long since I have a real outpouring of my innermost feelings! At least I am not totally devoid of emotions as yet! And yes, I still have tears!

Complimentary Vouchers .... Not!

Our most esteemed chairman spoke to us the other day about the unpaid leave scheme. Apparently, to counter the scheme, they are offering everyone vouchers for complimentary stays at any of the resorts around the world. He says he knows how hard it is for us to get the staff complimentary entitlement, thus the vouchers come in handy, since they can also be transferred to family and friends.

Wow.. now that is really nice of him. But why did this not take effect when I was in the company, thus I had to fight for the complimentary entitlement and still not get approved? Now that I am leaving the vouchers will be given out, but what use are they to me now? They will only be given out end of May and by then I am already starting over somewhere new! Arrrrghhh!!

Work Frustrations Again!

So I signed and sent back the new employment contract via email. And I can officially tender on Monday. After deducting my annual and unpaid leave, this coming week will be my last week with the company. Am I happy or sad? Perhaps ask me that a week later when I officially leave, and then I will be more sure of how I really feel.

For now I cannot wait to leave. Problems have been culminating for the past few months. Ever since projects have been halted, I have been on a battlefield because now apparently there seem to be lesser work, so people are more able to go around scrutinising others and seeing if they are doing work or not.

Yesterday I was threatened to be fired and all websites to be blocked on my computer. It is funny, is it not, when websites have already been blocked, so I am not even able to access any of the popular websites around, yet people say I have been accessing websites?

Hmmmm... how do I access if the sites have been blocked? I am not so powerful to hack into the server and uninstall the firewall just for my computer alone! Is it another issue of stalking me online and seeing when I was online and just because I was online at a certain time I get blamed, even when I was not in office?

In any case, I finally told my supervisor how I feel about the company and the people in general. To be frank, I know she is trying her best, and I know the situation is not going very well, but honestly, she is not a good superior. She does not protect her staff. She sways to rumours and gossip and try to make herself look good and me look bad in front of others. If it was my previous boss, he will never allow that to happen.

Still, I finally told her how I feel and what I have been facing. She just told me I should have told her earlier instead of keeping quiet. She said at the end of the day we just have to do our work no matter how others are like, we cannot make ourselves (or rather, her) look bad by being distant and uncooperative.

Oh well.... thank goodness I am leaving! The signs are there for a long time!

Simple Indulgences Are The Greatest Pleasures

I seem to have lost touch with the simple pleasures in life. I am not sure how long it has been when I go out for a late dinner or supper at a hawker or food centre with friends, just eating, drinking and chatting. By eating, I mean comfort food like local fare. By drinking I mean soft drinks or herbal tea. And dress code? Casual! As in T-shirt, bermudas or track pants. With a sling bag, and no makeup whatsoever!

At times I have no idea what kind of image I project to others, especially in recent years. A friend asked me the other day when we went to a nice hawker centre for dinner, if I eat in hawker centres. So I said, "Yes, I do!" Well I grow up on hawker fare too! Maybe for the past years I have been hanging out with people who prefer the cosiness of a restaurant ambience and air-conditioning, drinks at lounges or bars, so others may think of me as an upper crust or high maintenance girl.

But I love a decent plate of fried noodles, fish soup, oyster omelette, carrot cake, and other kinds of comfort food like local fare. I kind of miss this stall selling chicken rice for a dollar a plate which someone and I used to go, but I have not been there for years! Or the carrot cake with anchovies which happens to be down my neighbourhood but I have not been there for years too!

Yes, I do enjoy life and indulge a bit, I do enjoy the company of nice friends in a cosy ambience, but at the end of it all, I love the simple things in life too! I love hanging out with friends in a casual environment, just enjoying simple fare. Afterall, it is not the place that matters, it is the company that matters. If I enjoy the company, I will not mind even if I am stranded at the centre of the earth with nothing but soil!

Double Standards!

I am working in a place full of hypocrites! Facebook has been blocked in the office ever since last Christmas, with the occasional screw ups in the firewall so we could access it on rare occasions. In any case, I have not been accessing Facebook since I came back from Japan, after that there was a lull for two months before I started accessing Facebook again in March. Even then I could only access it during weekends or when I was at home.

Recently I took time off after my Phuket trip, and claimed my unpaid leave. I was home, thus was on Facebook. All of a sudden, I went back to the office and was told there have been complaints about me accessing Facebook during office hours! I was warned from using that! The thing was that the office has already blocked Facebook, and if you did not deliberately log in, you would not have known if the firewall was working or not! With my kind of workload and the people scrutinizing me, it would be madness to try to even see if the firewall was up or down in the office!

Apparently, some people saw me online during office hours, so not knowing I was not in office, they lodged a complaint. Now, if they themselves were not on Facebook at the same time, how would they know I was online? So they could access Facebook during office hours knowing it was not allowed in the office, yet complained about me using Facebook during office hours when I was not in the office? I have not lost my temper for a while, as in really lost my temper, but I was so absolutely boiling mad that I really felt like screaming the whole place down!

Besides that, someone from another department whom I was working together with for some transactions, suddenly came down all bossy and arrogant on me. She kept insisting I must do her work first. I do not report to her, I am not obligated to do her work as first priority! She treated me like her slave, said must do this her way and do that her way!

In the first place, I think I know what I am doing, and in the second place, I was doing the transaction from the beginning part until now (which started in mid 2007), and she only took over some of the responsibilities two months back! So what right does she have to tell me what to do?

And she had the cheek to open up my department’s cabinet to check the things inside! I find that really rude! How can anyone go to another department and open up the cabinet to check the things inside? What gave her the right to do it? She expected everything done her way, yet in the past when I wanted things done and needed her help, she gave me the silent treatment, despite numerous reminders!

So her things are the ultimate and other people have to cater to her whims and fancies, but other people’s things can always be ignored? Yet when anyone senior ranking than her happens to pass by, she would turn all sweet and suck up to whoever she was talking to! What a two-face!