For some reason, I wanted to keep to myself for the weekend. So I started keeping silent on Saturday morning. I did not go online, did not check my mails, did not text anyone, did not go anywhere. Until my friend said she was coming to pick me up to go to her church, otherwise I was kind of a hermit almost the whole of yesterday and today too.
I do not know why I started being distant. Normally I do not "disappear" just like that. By right, I should not say "disappear" since I still replied my friend when he texted me, but somehow I wanted to be left alone, not to interact or socialise with anyone. I guess I needed time to sort out some issues.
I thought I have become emotionally stronger through the years that nothing much really affects me anymore. What is it I have not experienced as a single person? I have failed, numerous times, in various aspects of my life, and still emerged unscathed. So I thought if similar incidents occur again, I would be able to know how to handle them.
I think I am better able to handle certain situations now, but still, I do not relish that kind of ambiguous situation where I do not know what to do, which direction to go. If only there is a sign to show me what to do! Besides praying more lately, confiding in close friends my exact thoughts and feelings with no foregone conclusion, there is nothing else I can do to get rid of this confusion.
Nowadays, each time I prayed, somehow there is a deep voice telling me there is nothing to worry about, that I should just trust and not be so paranoid. I know I am paranoid, worrisome and mistrusting. Maybe it is due to past experiences that I am now afraid of getting hurt and cheated again.
But then again, since that have already happened, what is one more or less, even if the feeling is not good? What is the worst that can happen, besides being pissed and upset? Once I get all the raving, ranting and bitching out of my system, it is back to square one, back to living my life as before, back to enjoying life.
I do not know whether it is God telling me, but after hearing that voice, I feel a sense of peace. And once I stop worrying and start trusting, I feel really peaceful and tranquil. And I find this applies even to interaction with people. I used to bug others and wanted to ensure people still talk to me.
But now I have learnt how to leave others in peace, to give them space, to leave them alone. Sometimes by not doing anything, people appreciate it more than just mere talking. At times when you leave people alone to sort out their own issues, they may come bouncing back sooner than you think.
Humans are very complex creatures. If we keep bugging someone, we may turn him / her off even more. Any friendship, let alone a relationship, has to stand the test of time and trials. If we cannot even withstand trials, then there is no point in cultivating a solid friendship.
Besides, I have more things to worry about. I have friends in worse situations than me. Thus, instead of being so self-focused and moping around, I rather spend the time worrying about others. No matter what, life still goes on. My life does not revolve around one person alone, and neither do I expect people's lives to revolve around me alone.
So I will continue living my life the way it has been the past couple of years, but I will always be on the outside, looking in. And waiting. Always waiting. Waiting to listen, waiting to embrace. Waiting until God finally shows me a proper direction and opens the doors for my prayers to come true.
I do not know why I started being distant. Normally I do not "disappear" just like that. By right, I should not say "disappear" since I still replied my friend when he texted me, but somehow I wanted to be left alone, not to interact or socialise with anyone. I guess I needed time to sort out some issues.
I thought I have become emotionally stronger through the years that nothing much really affects me anymore. What is it I have not experienced as a single person? I have failed, numerous times, in various aspects of my life, and still emerged unscathed. So I thought if similar incidents occur again, I would be able to know how to handle them.
I think I am better able to handle certain situations now, but still, I do not relish that kind of ambiguous situation where I do not know what to do, which direction to go. If only there is a sign to show me what to do! Besides praying more lately, confiding in close friends my exact thoughts and feelings with no foregone conclusion, there is nothing else I can do to get rid of this confusion.
Nowadays, each time I prayed, somehow there is a deep voice telling me there is nothing to worry about, that I should just trust and not be so paranoid. I know I am paranoid, worrisome and mistrusting. Maybe it is due to past experiences that I am now afraid of getting hurt and cheated again.
But then again, since that have already happened, what is one more or less, even if the feeling is not good? What is the worst that can happen, besides being pissed and upset? Once I get all the raving, ranting and bitching out of my system, it is back to square one, back to living my life as before, back to enjoying life.
I do not know whether it is God telling me, but after hearing that voice, I feel a sense of peace. And once I stop worrying and start trusting, I feel really peaceful and tranquil. And I find this applies even to interaction with people. I used to bug others and wanted to ensure people still talk to me.
But now I have learnt how to leave others in peace, to give them space, to leave them alone. Sometimes by not doing anything, people appreciate it more than just mere talking. At times when you leave people alone to sort out their own issues, they may come bouncing back sooner than you think.
Humans are very complex creatures. If we keep bugging someone, we may turn him / her off even more. Any friendship, let alone a relationship, has to stand the test of time and trials. If we cannot even withstand trials, then there is no point in cultivating a solid friendship.
Besides, I have more things to worry about. I have friends in worse situations than me. Thus, instead of being so self-focused and moping around, I rather spend the time worrying about others. No matter what, life still goes on. My life does not revolve around one person alone, and neither do I expect people's lives to revolve around me alone.
So I will continue living my life the way it has been the past couple of years, but I will always be on the outside, looking in. And waiting. Always waiting. Waiting to listen, waiting to embrace. Waiting until God finally shows me a proper direction and opens the doors for my prayers to come true.
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