Breaking up is hard to do. No, nothing to do with me since I do not have anyone to break up with right now. But I was thinking of people who have broken up before, myself included. I went to a brunch gathering earlier for those whom I met at the recent retreat. There was this guy who is still going through a bad patch. In fact, he is going through exactly what I went through six to seven years ago. Gosh, has it been that long?
Yup, getting dumped on the verge of marriage (although the difference is he had already booked the package whereas we had not booked anything), trying to cut off all contact when the ex contacted him, getting all depressed whenever a familiar area came into sight. When that relationship ended, I refused to go near his area for a very long time. When he told me all these, I can totally understand because I have been through the very same stage and experienced the very same things.
But after all these breakups, do people really learn a lesson or do they make the same mistake? If people break up, how would they know it was the right person and they have missed a chance? Breakups haunt people. For a very long time, I was paranoid, insecure, untrusting (actually I think maybe I still am). The more I do not wish for the same thing to happen, the more I screwed up and the more the same thing happened.
Maybe because I do not wish to be hurt anymore, so I tend to close myself up. But it should not be this way, is it not? Only by opening oneself and be prepared to get hurt can one truly love totally and unconditionally. Because loving someone is a great feeling, a beautiful feeling, even if there are hurts and bad times that come with it, still, it is better to love and be loved.
At times I wonder, have I lost my ability to love? To give? Ever since two years back when I made a vow to myself never to get hurt by another man again, never to be embroiled with anyone who is out to cheat me or play with my feelings. Have I inadvertently scared off all the men simply because of this psychological barrier? Maybe the way I am now, being loud, outspoken, opinionated and somewhat bitchy is due to not wanting to be hurt, thus closed myself out from everyone so as not to be hurt?
Come to think of it, when was the last time I cried? I do not mean crying while praying, but really cried my heart out? That would be from mid 2006 to mid 2007. That year was a very bad patch. I went for counselling. I cried myself to sleep every night. During the day I was normal, I worked, I talked to people, I communicated with my parents, but at nightfall, I was my very emotional and depressed self. Ever since then I never cried anymore. Sometimes I wonder if I even have any tears left.
I did not exactly take a vow of celibacy, but it has been a pretty happy time being single and available, just meeting new people, going out with friends, both old and new. True, it has been much less problematic being man-less as compared to having one. I have never felt so free, so carefree, so worry free, so satisfied with my life before.
Yet I am willing to give up my carefree single life if only I can have someone to love again. I used to think I would never cave unless the person really loves me, but I do not just want someone to love me, I want to love the person wholeheartedly, unconditionally, truly, madly, deeply. It will be good to have someone take care of me, pamper me and be there to support me, but if I really love the person, I have no qualms being the one taking care of him, being there to support him, to lend a listening ear, to contribute in any way.
I will want to be the one to cook for him, make him feel comfortable and warm after a hard day's work, do his laundry, iron his shirts, clean up his room, take care of his parents (if any), take care of his pets (if any), do little sweet things to show I care and I will always be there.
I used to think being in a relationship means the person has to share my burdens, my ups and downs. But now I realise it does not function this way. This is being one-sided, taking things for granted. A relationship is a partnership, a companionship. It is not an avenue to vent frustrations or dump emotional baggage on. Just as I like the person to lend me a listening ear and comfort me when I am down and depressed, I will also want to be the one to comfort him, to feel happy when he is happy, sad when he is sad, helpless when he is helpless. It is a two-way process.
A relationship is not all happy and dandy. People do not start because you feel happy with the person, but then call things off at the first sign of uncertainty, insecurity and down time. In every new relationship, there will always be insecurity and uncertainty. You are starting anew with someone else, you have your past hurts and disappointments, and you wonder if history wil repeat itself. I can totally understand and relate to that.
But a relationship is not just for when you are happy and have great times together. It is also when you go through sad times. When you go through sickness and health. When you adapt to each other and grow together. When you support and encourage each other. When you forgive the other party for mistakes made. When you do not point fingers and blame each other.
When you do not outdo each other. When you accommodate and tolerate each other's flaws, imperfections, quirks, peculiarities. When you accept and respect each other's families and friends. It is not a mere matter of having fun together and then running away when problems occur. It is growing old together, raising a family, having fun, keeping the love alive by spending time with each other and still be there for each other during a crisis.
And that, is how I view a relationship. That is how I view marriage. Which makes me wonder, am I really prepared for all these? Am I really ready? Will I be good enough? Will I be happy enough? Will I really make things work out this time? I cannot help but feel insecure too, that maybe I may not be serious enough, or not be good enough. But I believe when the time is right, I will be prepared and ready, willing to open up my heart to love without any barriers.
My gosh, I cannot believe I actually cried while writing this! It has been so long since I have a real outpouring of my innermost feelings! At least I am not totally devoid of emotions as yet! And yes, I still have tears!
Yup, getting dumped on the verge of marriage (although the difference is he had already booked the package whereas we had not booked anything), trying to cut off all contact when the ex contacted him, getting all depressed whenever a familiar area came into sight. When that relationship ended, I refused to go near his area for a very long time. When he told me all these, I can totally understand because I have been through the very same stage and experienced the very same things.
But after all these breakups, do people really learn a lesson or do they make the same mistake? If people break up, how would they know it was the right person and they have missed a chance? Breakups haunt people. For a very long time, I was paranoid, insecure, untrusting (actually I think maybe I still am). The more I do not wish for the same thing to happen, the more I screwed up and the more the same thing happened.
Maybe because I do not wish to be hurt anymore, so I tend to close myself up. But it should not be this way, is it not? Only by opening oneself and be prepared to get hurt can one truly love totally and unconditionally. Because loving someone is a great feeling, a beautiful feeling, even if there are hurts and bad times that come with it, still, it is better to love and be loved.
At times I wonder, have I lost my ability to love? To give? Ever since two years back when I made a vow to myself never to get hurt by another man again, never to be embroiled with anyone who is out to cheat me or play with my feelings. Have I inadvertently scared off all the men simply because of this psychological barrier? Maybe the way I am now, being loud, outspoken, opinionated and somewhat bitchy is due to not wanting to be hurt, thus closed myself out from everyone so as not to be hurt?
Come to think of it, when was the last time I cried? I do not mean crying while praying, but really cried my heart out? That would be from mid 2006 to mid 2007. That year was a very bad patch. I went for counselling. I cried myself to sleep every night. During the day I was normal, I worked, I talked to people, I communicated with my parents, but at nightfall, I was my very emotional and depressed self. Ever since then I never cried anymore. Sometimes I wonder if I even have any tears left.
I did not exactly take a vow of celibacy, but it has been a pretty happy time being single and available, just meeting new people, going out with friends, both old and new. True, it has been much less problematic being man-less as compared to having one. I have never felt so free, so carefree, so worry free, so satisfied with my life before.
Yet I am willing to give up my carefree single life if only I can have someone to love again. I used to think I would never cave unless the person really loves me, but I do not just want someone to love me, I want to love the person wholeheartedly, unconditionally, truly, madly, deeply. It will be good to have someone take care of me, pamper me and be there to support me, but if I really love the person, I have no qualms being the one taking care of him, being there to support him, to lend a listening ear, to contribute in any way.
I will want to be the one to cook for him, make him feel comfortable and warm after a hard day's work, do his laundry, iron his shirts, clean up his room, take care of his parents (if any), take care of his pets (if any), do little sweet things to show I care and I will always be there.
I used to think being in a relationship means the person has to share my burdens, my ups and downs. But now I realise it does not function this way. This is being one-sided, taking things for granted. A relationship is a partnership, a companionship. It is not an avenue to vent frustrations or dump emotional baggage on. Just as I like the person to lend me a listening ear and comfort me when I am down and depressed, I will also want to be the one to comfort him, to feel happy when he is happy, sad when he is sad, helpless when he is helpless. It is a two-way process.
A relationship is not all happy and dandy. People do not start because you feel happy with the person, but then call things off at the first sign of uncertainty, insecurity and down time. In every new relationship, there will always be insecurity and uncertainty. You are starting anew with someone else, you have your past hurts and disappointments, and you wonder if history wil repeat itself. I can totally understand and relate to that.
But a relationship is not just for when you are happy and have great times together. It is also when you go through sad times. When you go through sickness and health. When you adapt to each other and grow together. When you support and encourage each other. When you forgive the other party for mistakes made. When you do not point fingers and blame each other.
When you do not outdo each other. When you accommodate and tolerate each other's flaws, imperfections, quirks, peculiarities. When you accept and respect each other's families and friends. It is not a mere matter of having fun together and then running away when problems occur. It is growing old together, raising a family, having fun, keeping the love alive by spending time with each other and still be there for each other during a crisis.
And that, is how I view a relationship. That is how I view marriage. Which makes me wonder, am I really prepared for all these? Am I really ready? Will I be good enough? Will I be happy enough? Will I really make things work out this time? I cannot help but feel insecure too, that maybe I may not be serious enough, or not be good enough. But I believe when the time is right, I will be prepared and ready, willing to open up my heart to love without any barriers.
My gosh, I cannot believe I actually cried while writing this! It has been so long since I have a real outpouring of my innermost feelings! At least I am not totally devoid of emotions as yet! And yes, I still have tears!
3 comments:
I realised that both you and I, though in a different country but going through somewhat similar trait in terms of career, emotion, relationship etc.
Don't give up on love sweetie, the right one will come along, at His time! And I am reminding myself even though I am seeing someone now, I try not to find fault in him just cos what is happening to my parents at this moment. Also tryin to keep my sanity by workin.
And no, you are who you are. I love the fact that you are opinionated, vocal and someone out there will love you for who you are!!
From my (external) observation, each relationship is different, but all succesful relationships have one thing in common at least:
Both sides has got to work on it, *all the time*. Once one side starts slacking regularly, the countdown to a break-up will also start to accumulate. Because there's only so much the other side can do to rewind that doom timer. (However, both, working together and doubly hard, usually have a pretty good chance.)
Jacqueline : Thanks for your kind words! :-)
Ole Wolvie : That I know. Its the effort of both sides. I already learnt too many lessons on that!
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