It is true that in the different stages of life, one's views and opinions may differ. I believe my views on certain things have changed through the years, but one thing that has never changed is how I view love and relationships, because since young, I learnt a lesson from my parents to be committed no matter what it takes.
For instance, when I was really young, I used to think I would be a doctor, because I wanted to help others. I thought of being a paediatrician or gynaecologist or pathologist or psychiatrist. Then when I realised my inability in the sciences and my passion for the arts, I wanted to be a lawyer, not just any lawyer, but a prosecutor.
Then when my results were not up to par and I was not confident of doing law, I thought of being a journalist or a teacher. Or a performance pianist / organist. As it is, now I am neither a doctor or a lawyer or a journalist or a teacher or a performer.
Life is like this, is it not? One can do all the planning but in the end, things just turn out otherwise. Just like I used to think I would only be involved in one relationship and that would be the one I end up marrying. As it is, that is already out of the question.
When I was much younger, I used to have fantasies on how my own relationship would be like. Being in a girl's school, we never had much contact with guys, so I never really learnt how to interact with guys until after secondary school.
The only contact I had with guys were my childhood friend and godbrother, but then they and me have known each other for such a long time that we are just like siblings to each other. So back in school when I heard about classmates dating and having boyfriends, I was wondering how the experience would be like.
Come to think of it, if I had known just how much of a headache and heartache a relationship would be, I would have just gone into a real convent and become a nun, like what some of my classmates intended to do (although in the end they never did). Save myself all the agony of dealing with men.
I had my first crush at the age of fifteen. I still remember his name and what he looked like. I even wrote a short story with him being the main character. Up to now, I remember vividly how I felt then. Well, the first crush is not so easily forgettable, is it not, just like first love.
I was going to my music school one Saturday afternoon. We were on the same bus. I pressed the bell to alight, and went to the exit door, when the bus jerked and I almost fell, but he held on to me and asked if I was alright.
I looked up and saw his smiling face. I could only smile back but that point in time, my heart beat so quickly and vividly that I was afraid I would suffer a heart attack and die on the spot. We alighted at the same stop and went the same way, then I realised he was in the same music school as me, but I never saw him before!
He was one of the special advanced students (for those who were gifted) whereas I was in a normal class. Each time I went to the music school, I looked out for him but never seemed to see him again.
Then a few months later, we entered the same music competition together. I got to know he was two years my senior in age, since we were competing in a different category. He played his own composition and won whereas I went by with a consolation prize. Talented guy!
The next time I saw him, was in a cafe in a certain shopping mall a few months later. He was with his friends. My mum was shopping and I was complaining to her that I was tired from walking, so she asked me to go to the nearest cafe to wait for her. When I entered that cafe, I saw him.
That point in time, I was intrigued why I kept seeing him. Was it fate, or just coincidence? Imagine in just a year, I saw him three times, at three different places. The last time I saw him was at a National Day Parade.
My family and I were walking out after the show en route to a shopping mall, and I saw him again, waiting in a corner. That was the last time I ever saw him. The thing is that, I never got to talk to him, yet up to now, I still remember what he looked like. Hmmm... I always have a good memory, which is not a very good thing in a lot of cases.
Come to think of it, I have never once mentioned this former crush to anyone, not even my best friend and guys I have been with. But upon looking back, perhaps it was just as well we never did get to know each other, because he probably never remember me in the first place.
Actually I never knew the reason I had a crush on him. But I guess there is no reason to like someone, is there? Feelings can occur all of a sudden without any notice or warning. But I know that the type of guy I like is someone who is articulate and talented.
Which was why I liked my first two guys so much. Then a friend. Then someone I deemed as potential. Then the latest one. And that was the reason why I never did have such intense feelings for my third guy, as he did not belong in that category.
I am not looking down on anyone. I believe everyone has their own types who they like, and for those who do not make the type, they just simply cannot cut it. Why do we have to settle for second best? We have to be discerning on who we want to be with as it is for the rest of our lives.
Of course, through the years and experiences, I added more criteria and started becoming more and more choosy, which makes me fear perhaps my expectations are really too high after all? Hmmm... but there is still hope I believe, because I have met people who met up, despite how choosy I am.
I can only trust in the Almighty that He will bring me someone I am looking for and whom He deems best for me. There is definitely someone out there looking for me at the same time I am looking for him. I believe once the timing is right, all will fall into place. I deserve to be truly happy too!
For instance, when I was really young, I used to think I would be a doctor, because I wanted to help others. I thought of being a paediatrician or gynaecologist or pathologist or psychiatrist. Then when I realised my inability in the sciences and my passion for the arts, I wanted to be a lawyer, not just any lawyer, but a prosecutor.
Then when my results were not up to par and I was not confident of doing law, I thought of being a journalist or a teacher. Or a performance pianist / organist. As it is, now I am neither a doctor or a lawyer or a journalist or a teacher or a performer.
Life is like this, is it not? One can do all the planning but in the end, things just turn out otherwise. Just like I used to think I would only be involved in one relationship and that would be the one I end up marrying. As it is, that is already out of the question.
When I was much younger, I used to have fantasies on how my own relationship would be like. Being in a girl's school, we never had much contact with guys, so I never really learnt how to interact with guys until after secondary school.
The only contact I had with guys were my childhood friend and godbrother, but then they and me have known each other for such a long time that we are just like siblings to each other. So back in school when I heard about classmates dating and having boyfriends, I was wondering how the experience would be like.
Come to think of it, if I had known just how much of a headache and heartache a relationship would be, I would have just gone into a real convent and become a nun, like what some of my classmates intended to do (although in the end they never did). Save myself all the agony of dealing with men.
I had my first crush at the age of fifteen. I still remember his name and what he looked like. I even wrote a short story with him being the main character. Up to now, I remember vividly how I felt then. Well, the first crush is not so easily forgettable, is it not, just like first love.
I was going to my music school one Saturday afternoon. We were on the same bus. I pressed the bell to alight, and went to the exit door, when the bus jerked and I almost fell, but he held on to me and asked if I was alright.
I looked up and saw his smiling face. I could only smile back but that point in time, my heart beat so quickly and vividly that I was afraid I would suffer a heart attack and die on the spot. We alighted at the same stop and went the same way, then I realised he was in the same music school as me, but I never saw him before!
He was one of the special advanced students (for those who were gifted) whereas I was in a normal class. Each time I went to the music school, I looked out for him but never seemed to see him again.
Then a few months later, we entered the same music competition together. I got to know he was two years my senior in age, since we were competing in a different category. He played his own composition and won whereas I went by with a consolation prize. Talented guy!
The next time I saw him, was in a cafe in a certain shopping mall a few months later. He was with his friends. My mum was shopping and I was complaining to her that I was tired from walking, so she asked me to go to the nearest cafe to wait for her. When I entered that cafe, I saw him.
That point in time, I was intrigued why I kept seeing him. Was it fate, or just coincidence? Imagine in just a year, I saw him three times, at three different places. The last time I saw him was at a National Day Parade.
My family and I were walking out after the show en route to a shopping mall, and I saw him again, waiting in a corner. That was the last time I ever saw him. The thing is that, I never got to talk to him, yet up to now, I still remember what he looked like. Hmmm... I always have a good memory, which is not a very good thing in a lot of cases.
Come to think of it, I have never once mentioned this former crush to anyone, not even my best friend and guys I have been with. But upon looking back, perhaps it was just as well we never did get to know each other, because he probably never remember me in the first place.
Actually I never knew the reason I had a crush on him. But I guess there is no reason to like someone, is there? Feelings can occur all of a sudden without any notice or warning. But I know that the type of guy I like is someone who is articulate and talented.
Which was why I liked my first two guys so much. Then a friend. Then someone I deemed as potential. Then the latest one. And that was the reason why I never did have such intense feelings for my third guy, as he did not belong in that category.
I am not looking down on anyone. I believe everyone has their own types who they like, and for those who do not make the type, they just simply cannot cut it. Why do we have to settle for second best? We have to be discerning on who we want to be with as it is for the rest of our lives.
Of course, through the years and experiences, I added more criteria and started becoming more and more choosy, which makes me fear perhaps my expectations are really too high after all? Hmmm... but there is still hope I believe, because I have met people who met up, despite how choosy I am.
I can only trust in the Almighty that He will bring me someone I am looking for and whom He deems best for me. There is definitely someone out there looking for me at the same time I am looking for him. I believe once the timing is right, all will fall into place. I deserve to be truly happy too!
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