I wonder if it is because I have been too stressed with assignments (three major deadlines one after another - two on the same day and one the day after!) that I started being in a melancholic mood again.
Or is it because of the mini lecture my mum gave me about staying at home more often lately, not wanting to do anything, just lounging around being a couch potato. Hmmm.. when I go out she lectures me about always going out, when I stay at home, she lectures me about not going out. Parents are so hard to please at times!
I thought of my student days. How carefree I was! Why on earth did I ever wish I wanted to complete my studies fast so I could go out to work? Now I wish I can go back to being a student! The innocence of youth, young and naive, leading simpler lives and not expecting so much out of life.
The sweetness of first love. People say first love is the most unforgettable. True, my first love was the most unforgettable - for the wrong reasons. I can only remember the unhappiness I felt. Rather, the next one is more unforgettable - for the right reasons.
Come to think of it, when I first had a crush, or puppy love, or first love, did I ever ask myself what type of guy I wanted? Actually I did, especially since my first crush was the smart, talented and charming sort.
Somehow those types I like seem to model on this. Perhaps it is true that humans, be it men or women, somehow go for the same types, because those are the types that they feel most comfortable with and get along best with.
Ever since I was fifteen, I already had the kind of person in mind. Someone smart, talented, who can play musical instruments, well-read and well-travelled, knowledgeable, articulate, chivalrous, gentlemanly, romantic.
Of course as the years go by, I add more things in - like someone willing to be committed and responsible to face whatever that comes, instead of running away when problems arise.
Then I think of the times when I was actually in a relationship. What attracted me to those guys? Did they all fit what I look for? Actually no. Only one came really close, the rest had varying degrees.
So why did I start to like them? Honestly, I have no answer, even now. Like people always say, there is no reason why you like a person, just like there is no reason why you simply do not like someone. Just like love cannot be forced, feelings also cannot be switched off just like that once they have developed.
For my first two relationships at least, all I knew was that we were good friends, then all of a sudden I started liking them very much. There was no notice, no consideration of whether they fit what I look for. The feelings came just like that and up to now, there is still no explanation why I liked them and not anyone else, even though there were other suitors.
We were all similar to a certain extent. My first guy is a staunch Catholic. He was the one who brought me to church on a regular basis. We were similar as in we are both the outspoken, articulate and opinionated types.
We both sing and like to be involved in activities. We both love music and playing instruments, strolling along the beach at sunset or along the Singapore River at dusk.
But we were very different in family backgrounds and characters. He comes from a family where his parents are non-graduates and his mum is a housewife, and she takes care of them very well, whereas I come from a family where both my parents are high-achievers. Conflict in values and family life.
He thinks the mother should be the one to stay home and look after the kids. At that point in time, I was totally aghast at that suggestion because which era are we living in?! Besides I had dreams then. I had scholarship dreams, overseas education, becoming a Deputy Public Prosecutor, thinking it would be a job I would love and nobody could ever make me give up my job.
But I actually welcome the idea now. Being a real woman and a homemaker, being there for the children, is something which is precious and invaluable, instead of working one's life away.
So why did I like him? No idea. He did fit my criteria to a certain extent, about 65%. But what I could not tolerate was his arrogance, his thinking he was above everyone just because he was one of the top students. He had no qualms putting everyone down, including his parents because he felt he knew more than them simply because they only completed secondary school and could not speak English well.
The worst was he had a very bad temper. He would turn violent and hit me whenever I disagreed with him. I still remember the time he cut my finger with a penknife (I still had the scar!) and he punched me in the stomach when I disagreed with him.
So since then, I told myself never again will I find someone who would hit me. Or would shout at me for no rhyme or reason. Who was to know the next one was also bad-tempered? But he was much better already. At least his emotional outbursts were less frequent, even though it was still not a good feeling being raved and ranted at.
So after that, I said no more bad-tempered guys! And the next one was good-tempered, but then totally unsuitable. It took every bit of our effort to keep the relationship going as long as it did, and up to now, I still had no idea why we stuck on for so long when we could have opted out a long time ago.
I guess that is where commitment comes in. A relationship, let alone a marriage, shorn of all the passion and sweetness of the initial stages, in the end it was the commitment that keeps it going, and both have to find a way to work at it somehow.
But before a marriage, it is easier to break because if there were already problems before living together as one, there will be more problems after living together. Whereas after the marriage, once you made your choice, it is really the commitment and the effort that keeps things going.
So my question is, when will love and the commitment that comes with it happen for me again?
Or is it because of the mini lecture my mum gave me about staying at home more often lately, not wanting to do anything, just lounging around being a couch potato. Hmmm.. when I go out she lectures me about always going out, when I stay at home, she lectures me about not going out. Parents are so hard to please at times!
I thought of my student days. How carefree I was! Why on earth did I ever wish I wanted to complete my studies fast so I could go out to work? Now I wish I can go back to being a student! The innocence of youth, young and naive, leading simpler lives and not expecting so much out of life.
The sweetness of first love. People say first love is the most unforgettable. True, my first love was the most unforgettable - for the wrong reasons. I can only remember the unhappiness I felt. Rather, the next one is more unforgettable - for the right reasons.
Come to think of it, when I first had a crush, or puppy love, or first love, did I ever ask myself what type of guy I wanted? Actually I did, especially since my first crush was the smart, talented and charming sort.
Somehow those types I like seem to model on this. Perhaps it is true that humans, be it men or women, somehow go for the same types, because those are the types that they feel most comfortable with and get along best with.
Ever since I was fifteen, I already had the kind of person in mind. Someone smart, talented, who can play musical instruments, well-read and well-travelled, knowledgeable, articulate, chivalrous, gentlemanly, romantic.
Of course as the years go by, I add more things in - like someone willing to be committed and responsible to face whatever that comes, instead of running away when problems arise.
Then I think of the times when I was actually in a relationship. What attracted me to those guys? Did they all fit what I look for? Actually no. Only one came really close, the rest had varying degrees.
So why did I start to like them? Honestly, I have no answer, even now. Like people always say, there is no reason why you like a person, just like there is no reason why you simply do not like someone. Just like love cannot be forced, feelings also cannot be switched off just like that once they have developed.
For my first two relationships at least, all I knew was that we were good friends, then all of a sudden I started liking them very much. There was no notice, no consideration of whether they fit what I look for. The feelings came just like that and up to now, there is still no explanation why I liked them and not anyone else, even though there were other suitors.
We were all similar to a certain extent. My first guy is a staunch Catholic. He was the one who brought me to church on a regular basis. We were similar as in we are both the outspoken, articulate and opinionated types.
We both sing and like to be involved in activities. We both love music and playing instruments, strolling along the beach at sunset or along the Singapore River at dusk.
But we were very different in family backgrounds and characters. He comes from a family where his parents are non-graduates and his mum is a housewife, and she takes care of them very well, whereas I come from a family where both my parents are high-achievers. Conflict in values and family life.
He thinks the mother should be the one to stay home and look after the kids. At that point in time, I was totally aghast at that suggestion because which era are we living in?! Besides I had dreams then. I had scholarship dreams, overseas education, becoming a Deputy Public Prosecutor, thinking it would be a job I would love and nobody could ever make me give up my job.
But I actually welcome the idea now. Being a real woman and a homemaker, being there for the children, is something which is precious and invaluable, instead of working one's life away.
So why did I like him? No idea. He did fit my criteria to a certain extent, about 65%. But what I could not tolerate was his arrogance, his thinking he was above everyone just because he was one of the top students. He had no qualms putting everyone down, including his parents because he felt he knew more than them simply because they only completed secondary school and could not speak English well.
The worst was he had a very bad temper. He would turn violent and hit me whenever I disagreed with him. I still remember the time he cut my finger with a penknife (I still had the scar!) and he punched me in the stomach when I disagreed with him.
So since then, I told myself never again will I find someone who would hit me. Or would shout at me for no rhyme or reason. Who was to know the next one was also bad-tempered? But he was much better already. At least his emotional outbursts were less frequent, even though it was still not a good feeling being raved and ranted at.
So after that, I said no more bad-tempered guys! And the next one was good-tempered, but then totally unsuitable. It took every bit of our effort to keep the relationship going as long as it did, and up to now, I still had no idea why we stuck on for so long when we could have opted out a long time ago.
I guess that is where commitment comes in. A relationship, let alone a marriage, shorn of all the passion and sweetness of the initial stages, in the end it was the commitment that keeps it going, and both have to find a way to work at it somehow.
But before a marriage, it is easier to break because if there were already problems before living together as one, there will be more problems after living together. Whereas after the marriage, once you made your choice, it is really the commitment and the effort that keeps things going.
So my question is, when will love and the commitment that comes with it happen for me again?
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