Planning A Kiwi Trip

My new head of department has arrived. Actually he started work on Monday, but since Monday was our Annual General Meeting, we did not have the time to really talk to him. But he has been here three days and seems rather quiet, unlike the previous one who always made himself heard. It had been a couple of really busy days in light of post-AGM, but thank goodness my company gave everyone off on Friday so we can have a long weekend!

My parents are going away again, to Turkey this time, and I am in charge of planning a New Zealand tour at the end of the year. My parents are really lucky. They wanted to go to either Russia or Turkey, so booked for both, just in case they were not able to form a group for one. Then the group for Russia was formed around the last minute, so they managed to go. Now, the group for Turkey has reached the quota too, thus they are able to go as well. Since they have already booked, my parents were thinking they may as well go. They will be leaving just after my cousin's wedding next week. Lucky them! How I envy them, and wish I have that many days leave to clear as well!

But back to the New Zealand plan. My parents' intention was to tour there for at least ten days, including North and South Islands. It would be self-drive, and includes a farmstay, and the rest of the accommodation will be something like what we did for England last year - Bed and Breakfast inns, motels, cottages, etc.

I have looked through several websites for tour ideas, but it is hard to copy and paste to fit the entire itinerary in. Of course, if I have a choice, I will go according to the Lord of the Rings tour itinerary, to see the Shire, Elsengard, Rivendell, but I am working with just a budget of S$3,000.00 the most, including the price of air tickets, which leaves me quite little choice on where to go and what to do.

So if any of you has any good ideas, I truly appreciate if you can let me know! Thanks so much in advance!

Second Annual General Meeting

My company had its second Annual General Meeting today. Last year it was rather high profile, since it was the first time the company held a public Annual General Meeting, so everyone was on their toes. However, this year, things were more slack, as we learnt what to do and what not to do, thus this year's meeting went by without any hiccups despite being more relaxed than the previous one.

This is also the first time I actually sat in as a proxy for an Annual General Meeting. For someone who never dabbles in shares, I have never been to any Annual General Meeting, or any Extraordinary General Meeting. The one last year by my company, I was an usher, thus stayed outside the room througout, hence I had no idea what really transpired inside.

I do have an idea, after drafting resolutions and convening meetings in my previous work experiences, but today was the first time the paper resolutions actually went into fruition for me. Of course, I had some idea what would happen, what was needed, but to actually sit in is a totally different experience.

There were a few agendas and resolutions, where people have to propose and second. Then the shareholders would ask questions. I must say our shareholders are a pretty decent lot, as in they do not ask difficult questions, or nit-pick or scrutinise every word in the Annual Report down to its miniscule bit. They just brought up some queries and suggestions which they had.

All in all, the entire session lasted slightly more than a couple of hours. It was not as boring as I thought it would be, nor as lengthy. The pace was just right and the questions were appropriate. I will not say that I should start attending the Annual General Meetings of other companies, but at least it was not a bad experience. In any case, it was work-related, so it was not as if I had any choice not to attend in the first place. :-p

A Nice Chatting Session

I had a good catching up session with my ex-colleague in England yesterday. She is really great, from a rich young lady to a housewife in England. She works part-time, and is now pregnant and doing her Masters at the same time. She will submit her final dissertation next month and will be due in June. Double blessings!

She told me that it was difficult initially, as she had to work and study at the same time. Then the baby was unplanned, but since she had already started her Masters course, she decided to just go through with it. Reminds me of my cousin in Malta. Sometimes people can be strong due to circumstances, it all depends on whether one is willing to go through it. Wonder if I am in the same situation, can I go through the same thing?

She kept me updated on our old friends, about how people around us are already married, have kids, have more kids. A few years have lapsed since I last saw them, and many things have changed. That time I was still attached, and everyone thought I would be the first to be married, but yet now everyone else have their own families whereas I am still bouncing around.

I told her about my experiences for the past couple of years, and she comforted me. She said she will be coming back for good next year, so hopefully when she comes back I will be able to send her a wedding invitation. Yeah, I wish too.

It has been so long since I last chatted with her, so it was really a good catching-up session. At times it is good to talk to people and see how they are doing, how much you have missed out. I really miss her and cannot wait for her to be back!

Being Part Of An Ensemble

Due to one of the church groups I am a part of, somehow I was asked to join this group. Apparently, the group is in need of a pianist, violinist and flutist. So if I join, I will get to play a variety of instruments, the main one being the piano, and guided along the violin and flute by the other players.

I never ever thought I would ever be part of an ensemble. Of course, I have thought of playing the piano in recitals and at soirees, but that will be more for fun than anything else, not performing in a group. Even though I have performed solo quite a few times, performing in an ensemble group is different as everyone has to be in sync. Which is why I always prefer choral performances, because at least everyone can sing together and not be overly concerned about which instrument comes first.

But being in an ensemble is a good way to gain experience. One can get exposed and practice the various instruments. Even though it is a church ensemble, but still it is a good place to start. After all, what is the use of being able to play an instrument but yet not give a bit back to God?

Their next practise will be in mid-May, just after my examinations. I have been invited to that practise session, so perhaps I shall just go and take a look, and then see how the group is like.

Going Back To The Arena

Last night was a night of meeting friends, whether by appointment or not. It was just after my piano class when I bumped into a former teaching colleague. We chatted for a while, then I went to meet a friend for dinner. After that, when I was taking the train home, I bumped into another friend who used to perform together with me when I was still with the Lyric Opera. All in all, it was a good catching up session with old friends.

My music teacher did up a two-year plan for me, starting with practical examination next March, followed by Theory revision. Plus the occasional performances and promotions which the music school organises. Somehow it seems like I have gone back to my childhood days. The feeling is that of de ja vu, of long forgotten memories and the joys of performing.

The friend I met for dinner last night said something interesting. We had met under different circumstances before, in groups, so last night was the first time we met each other one on one. He said, I must be a lawyer and I must have been a school debater, and I must always have a book with me.

Hmmm.... To which I said, the lawyer part is partly correct, and yes, I do carry a book with me wherever I go, but as for school debater, how did he know? He said from the way I speak, the way I express myself, somehow he gets the feeling I am that kind of person. Erh... what kind of person was he referring to anyway?

I wrote something about my experiences in the debating team once. Actually, I was only in the debating team for like four years the most in the various schools I was in. The rest were just inter-class debates which were incorporated in English lessons. I had been Best Speaker twice (during inter-class competitions) and once during actual inter-school competitions, but then I have never really been a real debater, as in I was never selected to represent the country for international competitions. I am not that good.

My first guy and I used to take part in inter-school debating competitions and he emerged Best Speaker once. My second guy and I took part in the inter-faculty debating competition, and he was Best Speaker. That was the only debating competition I took part during tertiary years, so I was hoping to emerge Best Speaker, but I was not bitter because he deserved it fully. As I said, I go for articulate and intellectual guys. :-p

Still, it was a good and fun experience. I remember how we used to research, brainstorm, wrote and discoursed on a topic. I contributed my ideas, he contributed his. I was always there whenever the team needed to prepare for any debating competition, even when I need not participate, just to show support and gave ideas.

But my friend last night is really astute. He could actually see the type of person I am. It takes all kinds to make the world. There are some who think my kind of lifestyle and interests are boring, there are some who think I talk too much and am too expressive. There are even some who feels all the English Literature has harmed me, because now I can be so good with words, but yet they cannot tell if whatever words I say, I really mean them. And I assure you, I do mean whatever I say!

No More Tears ....

Since three years back (gosh, has it really been this long?), I have made a promise to myself and resolve never ever to cry over another guy. This resolve was broken a year later. I spent about nine months crying myself to sleep over the indifference of a certain person, until in the end I gave up, and realised that when everything was over, I only felt relief. I did not cry at all. I felt bruised, cheated, anger, hurt, even depressed, but not to the extent of crying buckets.

In fact, I have never cried buckets since that broken engagement. That was when I really cried. I cried every night, every day, I could not sleep, could not eat, could not even function normally. Just as well I was on holiday, then I need not go to work looking like a wreck. I cried for another half a year, and lapsed into on-off depression for a few years after that. Since then, I have never cried as hard over anything else anymore.

Which makes me wonder have I become unfeeling? Or did I just not feel as deeply about other things and other people as compared to how I felt then? A few years ago, I was weaving a story, and while plotting out the skeleton, I was able to get into the emotional state of the main character, and I cried.

Yes, I cried while formulating my own story! I cried while watching romance movies, I cried while listening to sad songs, I cried while reading a touching article. I still cry after watching "Titanic", "Love Actually" and "Casablanca."

Yet why did I not cry whenever I engaged in an emotional and intense discussion with a guy, and he disappointed me and let me down and gave me false hopes, even though I was pissed? Have I lost the ability to cry over a guy again, or was it because I know deep down that they were not worth crying and wasting my tears over?

But I guess a girl only cries over the guy she feels deepest for, is it not? If she did not feel as deeply over someone else, then she will not cry over that person. After all, if someone does not trigger off as much emotions, my tear ducts will not be triggered to water. Or perhaps I have been keeping to myself, being more reserved so as not to plunge in so much and get so deeply hurt again.

Yes, I have resolved never to cry over another guy, or to let another guy make me cry. But ironically, at times, I wish I will be able to find a man who will make me cry again. Because in doing that, that shows I am still capable of loving, deeply, wholeheartedly, unconditionally, without any reservations. And I want that more than anything, instead of becoming an unfeeling person.

Just When You Thought Your In Tray Is Finally Cleared ....

Positive : You left for home with an empty tray at last and you were so happy as you could hardly remember the colour of the tray!

Negative : You came back and your tray is full again - just after one night!

Double Negative : Before you even started clearing, the stack just went higher again.

I feel like crying now ....

Clearance Of Tray

Here I am, on my bed, doing one of the things I love most - writing. All these while I have been reading and writing on my bed, this is the first time I am typing on my bed. Having mobility is really a wonderful thing!

I experienced a slight miracle at work today. For once in nine months, my In tray is empty! When I saw that my In tray is finally cleared of stuff instead of the neverending stack, I felt so relieved and ecstatic! Relieved that I could finally clear stuff and not have more accumulated for so long. Ecstatic that I have finally managed to finish whatever it was I needed to do! Now if only my Out tray can clear just as fast....

If only my In tray can remain empty, but I suspect it is most likely going to be filled again in a very short time, with another stack of neverending stuff!

Of Failed Marriages And A Simple Life

My parents are back! And the first thing they commented on was the heat. Apparently Russia's temperature is below ten degree celsius, as compared to the high humidity and heat going around here lately. My mum bought me a very cute Matryoshka doll!

I was talking to a friend who just had her marriage annulled. And after hearing what her ex said and did, I was astounded that some people can actually be so immature and bitter. Yes, no doubt he loved her a lot, no doubt the marriage failed, no doubt she gave up on him, but if he really loved her as he claimed, then he would want her to be happy, and not doing things to make her regret but backfired, because it only served to remind her how right her decision had been.

Actually when a relationship or marriage failed, it is not the fault of either one party but both. There is no use pinpointing who is more or less at fault. And there is a difference between being emotional and upset on your own accord, raving and ranting and feeling so down, and deliberately smearing others' names by making it seem like you are the maligned and wronged one and the other party was the one who betrayed you and let you down.

When I think back on my own experiences, there were times when I had been bitter. Yes, there were times when I felt mistreated, unfairly judged. And there were times when I complained to my close friends how unfair I felt, how betrayed I felt, how they treated me. There were also times when my ex(s) did things that totally pissed me off, and I raved and ranted to let out my frustrations.

But at no time did I contact any of their family members, telling tales about them on how they betrayed me and how their parents should discipline and teach them. Neither did I go around their home, school or work areas, waiting for them, stalking them, pleading for another chance (although there were times I had been really tempted to do that). And neither did I crank call them and demand an apology, or emotional damages as compensation on how much I have suffered, although in all conscience, in most of my relationships, I have had suffered emotionally.

So when a relationship turns sour, both are at fault. Three times out of four, I should not have entered into a relationship with the guys in question because they were not really what I was looking for and they did not really treat me right. And I should not have held on when I knew someone was cheating on me. The other time I should not have taken things for granted and should have talked things through thoroughly instead of not facing the problems head on.

But it is hard to find someone who fits, is it not? How many of us do not have faults? Human beings are such that we expect things from others, we have higher and higher expectations once we have had the best, unwilling to settle for any second best. The more exposed one gets to life, the higher expectations he / she has. As compared to those who married straight out of school, their lives are so much simpler and they hardly have any expectations as long as the family is good.

Which is why I always prefer a much simpler life. Now that I have been exposed somewhat, the way I think is already different as compared to like five years back. The kind of person and type of lifestyle I want is also somewhat different as compared to in the past. But I am not losing hope, because as I have mentioned, somewhere out there I believe there is someone looking for me at the same time I am looking for him!

What Goes Around Comes Around

I have been inspired yet again by Ms Match. Her latest post is a rather thought-provoking entry regarding the theory of love. Quite true, is it not, that true love needs passion, intimacy and commitment. How many people nowadays are willing to commit? In most cases, there is passion, there is intimacy, but when it comes to commitment, people shy away.

As the saying goes, what goes around comes around. To some people, they have all the luck in finding someone they are willing to commit to and willing to be committed to them. But not everyone is that lucky. Some are unwilling to commit, then when they find someone else and are willing to commit, they find that the other party is not willing to commit.

There is no right or wrong when it comes to love and relationships. At this stage, I do not think I will ever enter into another relationship if it is not going to be long-term, if the person is not willing to be committed. I no longer have the time nor the youth to continue such games.

But that does not mean we settle for just anyone, which is why I say there is no right or wrong. Just because someone likes you does not mean you have to accept the person; similarly just because you like a person does not mean he / she has to accept you. If you really care for the person, then do not impose and do not turn bitter, just accept and wish the other person happiness with whoever he / she ends up with.

Failures are part and parcel of growth after all. To really let a person grow, he / she should face some adversities in life. Which is why our parents let us fail, although we may curse and swear and think how they must hate us if they let us go through such an experience, but at the end of it all, the experience gained is immeasurable. Rather than they protecting us and sheltering us, then we will never be able to face any adversity.

Yet how many of us take our parents for granted? Then when we have our own children, we start to lament why our children push us away, when we were the ones who pushed our parents away. Just think : do you want your younger generation to treat you with respect and awe, or do you want them to treat you like dirt, summoning you when they need and forgetting about you when they are no longer in need?

Which is why what goes around comes around. How we treat others mirror how others treat us. So if we like consideration and diplomacy in how we are treated, then we should give even more in return.

New Email To Mark A New Start

Finally I have taken the plunge and totally "migrated". Of course, there have been people asking me why did I finally choose to switch to a new email account totally, after having the same email account ever since my internet access was first set up?

Actually, the internet access was first subscribed by my dad, thus by right, the email account belongs to him. However, since I was the one who first set up the internet and email program, coupled with the fact that my dad is always away, the email is then set up under my name, and I use it exclusively.

Through the years, when everyone in my family starts using the internet, they have their own web-based email accounts too. And when all my friends have started using web-based emails, I still chose the traditional service provider to send and receive emails.

I have a Yahoo account as well, but that is only for yahoo group subscription. I never use it anymore, because the history behind that account is such that I do not feel that comfortable to use it exclusively now.

That account was set up in my university years together with someone else, where from there, we would email each other embarrassing things, clock and plan our dates, send each other e-cards and note down when we would be overseas. We even had a now defunct website using Geocities, part of Yahoo then.

Ever since we each went on with our own lives, he stopped using that account, so that account was exclusively mine from then on. I was intending to resurrect the Yahoo account permanently, but after seeing all the things in the inbox and outbox, I thought it would be a better idea to make a clean fresh start with a totally new email account, and so, the Yahoo account is now a part of my history, where I log in just to chat on messenger or to subscribe to groups.

Some of you may know I do have a gmail account, but that too, was set up together with someone else, which I want more than anything for it to be deleted permanently. Hence, to mark a real clean fresh start, I consolidated all my contacts and set up a whole new account totally, which will be mine to use henceforth, until... well, I shall not say forever, but at least till I decide to change emails again, which I do not ever foresee changing for now and the near future.

So why gmail? Why not another Yahoo account? I have heard lots of raving reviews regarding gmail. Besides, it has a very good spam filter, something which my original mailbox could never do. Google is my home page, and I can filter mail from my original server and email account, so I never have to miss any mails (despite that most are spam). This is in case I miss out anyone on my email list and they did not receive notice about my change in email address. And most importantly, I can access that anywhere, anytime, any location.

Thus, I feel I have progressed into a new level, able to mark a clean fresh start, away from all my old memories, happiness and sadness. Hopefully things will pick up from now on!

Napping Away ....

It had been so long that I have taken any afternoon naps. No doubt I had been sleeping mostly during the few days I was ill, other than that I have not taken any afternoon naps for ages. Yet I just woke up from a nice nap.

I wonder if it is because I have not fully recovered as yet? Or is it because the weather is too hot? Or is it because I was having too much headache and frustration trying to prepare my next batch of assignments, which will be the last before my examinations next month?

Having said that, with the new notebook, I need to get a new MP3 as well, or MP4 nowadays. And which one will I get this time? Creative of course! Mr Sim still gets my vote!

First Notebook Post

Finally I got my notebook up and running after such a long time! Complete with wireless internet access at home and virus scan, which means I can surf the net anywhere within the confines of my own home! Even in my room on my bed!

Thus this is the first post that is uploaded from the notebook. Now all I need is to copy my files (assignments, reports, posters, emails, instant chats, music) from the main PC to the notebook, and all will be set!

The only problem is that I have not been able to download any email software or configure the email account on my notebook. Which means I have to create a new permanent web-based email account to consolidate all my contacts. At least this "migration" means a new start for me.

My PC has been one that has witnessed all my ravings and rantings, interactions with people who have made certain impacts in my life, as well as emails which I have sent out and received, and those which I have wanted to save. It has also been a witness to my memories - all my photos and the music I downloaded during my melancholic moods.

Thus to totally migrate means a new beginning, that I leave behind my past and look forward to the future. Having said that, I still need to remove whatever files I have in the PC and move them to my notebook, then I can really start using it officially from now on!

A Case Of Local Xenophobia?

Many a times, I have read reports and heard others talking about the service standards of our local service personnel, or how they would be all courteous and sweet to foreigners but cannot be bothered to display the same kinds of attitude to the locals. My take on this has always been our local service personnel need to be trained in hospitality management per se, be it locals or foreign customers.

However, what I experienced yesterday made me convince that foreigners do get preferential treatment over locals. I was supposed to meet my friend for dinner, but arrived early, so sat down at a cafe to read and had tea. There were hardly any customers at that time of the day, except for a few foreign tourists.

I stood at the entrance and waited for a while before any service staff came to acknowledge me. I told the service staff I preferred al fresco as the interior of the cafe is too dark to do any reading, so he ushered me to a table in the middle of the courtyard. I then ordered English Breakfast Tea.

When the tea came, all I had was an empty teacup and a little pot of tea. Now, which cafe will serve just tea, without any of the condiments and a teaspoon? So I waved to get the staff's attention. I had to raise my hand for a few minutes before he finally acknowledged me. I requested for a tea spoon, sugar and creamer.

The reason the staff took so long to acknowledge me was because he was not even looking at my direction; rather his eyes were focused on a table of four foreigners to the left side of where I was sitting. The moment one stood up, the staff quickly went to serve him, with smiles, asking if they needed anything else.

When a foreigner at another table wanted something, another staff quickly went over and served him with all smiles. Then what about me? Was I not a customer as well? Why did I then have to wait longer for the staff to attend to me, even though I indicated I needed something? And why did the person then attend to me with such a glum look, when he could be all smiles to the tourists just a few minutes ago?

Hmmmm.... is this a case of local xenophobia? Or racial discrimination?

Sun Japanese Dining

I was finally able to get out of the house yesterday to meet a friend for dinner. Even though I still had not much of an appetite, still I managed to eat a good dinner, at this chic place. When I stepped in, the restaurant gave me a zen-like feel, dimly lit and tatami as walls. The interior decoration on the walls consist of long brush strokes of calligraphy - really nice!

When I first stepped into the restaurant, I was thinking to myself that the name is really appropriate. Japan is the land of the rising sun after all, and during the anti-Qing revolution, the great Sun Yat-Sen escaped to Japan for a while to teach and preach his anti-Qing sentiments. Thus the name "Sun" for a Japanese restaurant is just perfect!

The food is a bit expensive though, although not too bad. I had rice with chicken and vegetables, with soup. It comes in a set, but I cannot remember the actual Japanese name for it, while my friend had beef ramen. We ordered salmon sashimi as well, and the salmon pieces are cool and fresh.

All in all, it was a filling dinner. For someone who barely managed to get the appetite back, I must say it had been a good dinner, after the few days of porridge - plain, fish, congee. At least I can finally eat solid food again without any discomfort whatsoever!

Down For A Few Days

Finally I am up after a few days of lying in bed. I was ill since Sunday night, with a raging fever, chest pain, feelings of nausea, body ache and back ache, with profuse perspiration. I am not the type who perspires, unlike my friends and brothers, who, after a vigorous game of sports or on a really hot day, they will start dripping buckets.

For me, I seldom perspire, even after a round of tennis in the hot sun. The most is I will feel a bit sticky due to the humidity, so if I actually perspire, it means I am really sick. Even after numerous showers during the day, I still perspire profusely, even now. It seems that my body temperature is messing up.

I could barely make it to see the doctor on Monday, being so weak and uncomfortable. I just managed to drag myself to the nearest clinic. The clinic is not covered under my company, so I was not able to get free treatment, thus I have to ask for the receipt and claim back from petty cash later on.

The doctor told me that the chest pain is due to heartburn (what heartburn? Not that I have high blood pressure or cholesterol, and I am surely not obese!), and the fever could be due to a viral infection. If I still do not get well after a few days, then I have to go for a dengue check. Hopefully I can go back to work as per normal from tomorrow onwards!

I was feeling so uncomfortable and weak on Monday morning, that I called the clinic which is covered under my company, and asked if the doctors go on house call. I told the nurse in charge that I have symptoms of chest pain, nausea, giddiness and fever. She said a house call will cost me $250, to which I said, I have not withdrew cash, so could I pay half in cash, and the rest by a cash cheque, or could I pay all by a cash cheque? She said no, it is cash on delivery, otherwise the doctor will not go.

Then I said I am covered by the company, can they just bill my company? She said have to ask permission from the Human Resource, get the approval by my superior, submit the approval letter then they can bill to the company. Right, so which means by the time I get my company's approval, I will either be dead or have fully recovered and no need for any house call!

Which makes me think, in a life and death situation, when the person is so sick and needs help urgently, is money and regulations more important than a person's life? No doubt clinics and hospitals are not charitable organisations, when a person is sick and they need to see a doctor, it is right to pay, but when a person is really feeling so uncomfortable and need treatment rather quickly, is the mode of payment really that important?

It is not as if I will not pay, but does it matter if I pay by cash or cheque or bill to my company? Why must there be a dispute over flouting of the rules and regulations set up by humans when a human needs help and only a medical professional is able to help him / her? At the frontline of a person's life, should not saving the person more important than following mere rules and regulations?

Which reminds me of a doctor show I watched. The cardiologist was called to save a person in an emergency, but he said he needed to get an approval whether he could perform the operation there and then, to which the Emergency Room consultant then said, "What I need is a doctor, not a rigid person who follows the rules strictly with no regards for a person's life". Well said!

At The Wine Company

A friend and I went to The Wine Company @ Evans for dinner last night. That place is situated opposite my old alma mater, where my parents attended university too. The place used to be a hostel, then converted to lecturers' offices and quarters, and now, several restaurants and eating places have taken over the premises.

We sat in a corner next to the wine cellar. Living up to its name, the place stores a variety of wine from Spain, France, South Africa, Australia, New Zealand, red wine, white wine, champagne. We were both drooling at the large variety of wine on display and sale, but a pity we were not able to drink, as my friend was driving, and I did not wish to collapse in the middle of a restaurant again.

The food is good though. We started off with cheese platter, with five types of cheese. Main course for me was penne with bacon, and he had salmon fetuccine. Delicious and filling! After the big feast on Friday and last night, I really have to fast the rest of the week, otherwise all my efforts at slimming will be wasted!

Happy Achievements

I have never been a straight A student, as attested by my report cards and books. I had a combination of As, Bs, Cs even, all the way until I finished secondary. By the time I entered tertiary, I hardly even sniffed an A. My grades range from Bs, Cs and Ds, scoring mostly B-average.

So when I saw that I had an A- for one of my assignments yesterday, I was ecstatic! For once in a long time, I can finally have an A grade! Even though it is nothing much, to me, I find it an achievement. Someone like me who struggled to even pass, compared to others where scoring As are but just a breeze, it is a happy occasion indeed.

This, coupled with the fact that my new Legal Counsel actually praised me yesterday. She said even the Managing Director praised me for my ability to work. Hmmm... I never thought I have done a lot actually, but to hear that, I am really happy.

Two happy things in a day, plus I spend a happy evening with my best friend and her husband. Well, it does not take a lot to make me happy. How I wish everyday can be like this!

A Japanese Barbecue

We had a big Japanese feast last night at Yakiniku Daidomon Japanese BBQ Restaurant. The place serves a la carte barbecue buffet, as well as set. Each dish is just enough for two or three people, so we ordered a lot of food.

We can order as much as we desire from the barbecue buffet menu. All the food (except for salad, sushi, sashimi and vegetables) will be cooked on a small round hot pot in the middle of the table. So we ordered beef bellies, ribeye, sirloin, salmon sashimi, California Maki sushi, fried chicken pieces, prawns, squid, buttered oyster, beef sashimi, salad, lettuce, and fruit.

That is a lot of food, considering we ordered two servings of every dish! So we cooked, laughed, joked, conversed, and ate to our heart's content. My best friend's husband is a good cook indeed! His beef steaks turn out just perfect, not too hard, not too soft. Just rightly done, medium.

By the time we ate everything on the table, I was too stuffed to go anywhere. I was so full that I could hardly eat breakfast this morning! This is a good place to go for a full meal. The buffet is more worth it than the set, because we can order a lot more food at about the same price as the set, and the set is hardly enough for two people even!

The "Good Old Days"

The rain is splashing, slooshing down. What a thunderstorm! My parents are somewhere in the clouds en route to Moscow, and I hope nothing happens. After a few days of hot and scorching weather, it is another rainstorm again. The weather is so unpredictable lately. It is already April and we still have so much rain!

I went out with my best friend and her husband last night to celebrate her birthday (belated). Going out with them reminds me of the good old days, where my ex and I, her ex and her would go out together. Now everything is changed.

We used to talk about school, our lecturers and tutors, problems with our respective families and boyfriends. Now, we talk about jobs, office politics, company policies, domestic life (more her than me). I guess in different stages of life, people will function in different ways. Sooner or later, she will start talking about children.

Instead of us all going back on public transport, her husband gave me a ride back. Times have really changed indeed, or rather, I shall say, we have all grown up indeed.

人的一生會遇上的四個人

A touching story I came across, in traditional Chinese though. My translation is below, but as can be seen, I am not exactly a good translator. :-p

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人生就是為了找尋愛的過程，每個人的人生都要找到四個人。

第一個是自己,
第二個是你最愛的人，
第三個是最愛你的人，
第四個是共度一生的人.

首先會遇到你最愛的人，然後體會到愛的感覺；因為了解被愛的感覺，所以才能發現最愛你的人；當你經歷過愛人與被愛，學會了愛，才會知道什麼是你需要的，也才會找到最適合你，能夠相處一輩子的人。

但很悲哀的，在現實生活中，這三個人通常不是同一個人；你最愛的，往往沒有選擇你；最愛你的，往往不是你最愛的；而最長久的，偏偏不是你最愛也不是最愛你的，只是在最適合的時間出現的那個人。

你，會是別人生命中的第幾個人呢？

沒有人是故意要變心的，他愛你的時候是真的愛你，可是他不愛你的時候也是真的不愛你了，他愛你的時候沒有辦法假裝不愛你；同樣的，他不愛你的時候也沒有辦法假裝愛你 。當一個人不愛你要離開你，你要問自己還愛不愛他，如果你也不愛他了，千萬別為了可憐的自尊而不肯離開；如果你還愛他，你應該會希望他過得幸福快樂，希望他跟真正愛的人在一起，絕不會阻止，你要是阻止他得到真正的幸福，就表示你已經不愛他了，而如果你不愛他，你又有什麼資格指責他變心呢？

愛不是佔有，你喜歡月亮，不可能把月亮拿下來放在臉盆裡，但月亮的光芒仍可照進你的房間。換句話說，你愛一個人，也可以用另一種方式擁有，讓愛人成為生命裡的永恆回憶，如果你真愛一個人，就要愛他原來的樣子─愛他的好，也愛他的壞：愛他的優點，也愛他的缺點，絕不能因為愛他，就希望他變成自己所希望的樣子，萬一變不成就不愛他了。

真正愛一個人是無法說出原因的，你只知道無論何時何地、心情好壞，你都希望這個人陪著你；真正的感情是兩人能在最艱苦中相守，也就是沒有絲毫要求。畢竟，感情必須付出，而不是只想獲得；分開是一種必然的考驗，如果你們感情不夠穩固，只好認輸，真愛是不會變成怨恨的。

兩人在談情說愛的時候，最喜歡叫對方發誓，許下承諾我們為什麼要對方發誓，就是因為我們不相信對方，我們根本不相信情人，而這些山盟海誓又很不切實際：海枯石爛、地老天荒，都不能改變我對你的愛!

明知道海不會枯、石不會爛、地不會老、天不會荒；就算會，也活不到那時候。許下諾言的時候千萬注意，不要許下可以實現的諾言，最好是承諾做不到的事，反正做不到的，隨便說說也不要緊，請記住：”不可能實現的諾言最動人”

在愛情裡，說的是一套，做的是另一套；講的人不相信，聽的人也不相信。

你呢？找到了第幾個？茫茫人海中，你遇見了誰？誰又遇見了你？

祝願天下有情人終成眷屬

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The article essentially relates to the four people one meet in one's lifetime.

"Life is a journey of finding love. Everyone will be able to find four kinds of people in their lifetimes.

The first person is yourself.

The second person is the one you love the most.

The third is the one who loves you the most.

The fourth is the one you end up spending your life with.

Besides yourself, the first person you find will be the one you love the most, then you will experience what loving someone is all about. After knowing how to love someone, then you will find the one who loves you the most. After experiencing love and being loved, then you know what it is you need, and you will then find the one that is the most suitable, the one whom you end up spending your life with.

The sad thing is, in this real world, those three people are not the same persons. The person you love the most normally is the one who will not love you back, the one who loves you the most is the one you do not love. And the one who has the lifelong relationship with you, is neither the one you love the most nor the one who loves you the most, but just the one who happens to appear at the right place and the right time.

So, which one are you in a person's life?

No one will deliberately have a change of heart. When he loves you, he really does love you, but when he stops loving you, he really does stop loving you. When a person is in love, he cannot pretend he is not; similarly when a person is no longer in love, he cannot pretend that he is still in love.

When a person has stopped loving you and wants to leave, you have to ask yourself if you still love him. If you no longer love him, then do not keep holding on and not leave just because of the time and effort spent or because of a bruised ego.

But if you still love him, you will wish for him to be happy, and hope he will be with someone whom he truly loves. You will not stop him from finding his true happiness, because if you do, it shows you do not really love him, so if you do not really love him, then how can you blame him for no longer loving you?

Love is not possession or ownership. Just like if you love the moon, but it is impossible for you to take the moon down with you, yet the moon's beams can still light up your room. In other words, by loving a person, you can own him in other ways, like letting the one you love become an eternal memory in your mind.

If you really love a person, you love him for who he is - love his good points, and his bad points. You cannot expect him to become the ideal person you have in your mind just because you love him, and if he does not, then you no longer love him.

True love is unfathomable, it simply cannot be explained. But you know no matter what happens, wherever you are, when you are happy or sad, you will wish for this person to be by your side. True love is shown when two persons face the greatest adversity, yet still be there for each other, with no strings attached.

Because love is to be given, not just taken. Love can withstand the test of time and separation. If the love is not strong enough, then both just have to concede defeat, because true love should never become animosity or hatred.

When two people are in love, they are fond of asking each other to promise the impossible. Why? Because we do not trust our partner, our loved one. And these promises are impossible to achieve, because we promise things like, "Even when the oceans dry up, the grounds shrivel, my love for you will never falter."

But we all know the oceans will never dry up and the grounds will never falter. Even if they do, we are probably no longer alive to witness that. So when you make a promise, do not ask for the impossible; rather, promise something unattainable, because the most moving promises are unattainable. If you really love someone, then do not say something yet do something else. In this way, even the one talking and the one listening will not believe it.

So which one have you found? In this populated world, who have you found? Who have found you?

Wishing all the those in love blessings that they can find their other halves."

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Come to think of it, I have been rather blessed indeed, as in the one I love the most and the one who loves me the most (so far) is one and the same person. Perhaps the next person who enters my life will then be the one I end up spending a lifetime with? The one who comes into my life at the right place and right time? It is time indeed that I stop flitting around and settle down for once.

Infusion Of Logic And Intuition

Life is funny indeed. My social life was almost non-existent for the first quarter of the year. I was rusting around at home the whole day and whole weekend. Come second quarter, that aspect is picking up, and right now, it seems like I have something on every weekend and some weekdays! When no one asks me out, I was not able to ask anyone out as well. Now when people start asking me out (and vice versa), everyone starts coming at the same time. But I am not complaining, I rather my social life pick up than to stay home and rot.

I was having a rather intense discussion with a friend earlier on, which reminded me of something my aunt told me last year. During my cousin's wedding, as usual, well-meaning people will ask when will it be my turn, to which I answered that no one seems to want me. My aunt then said I just have not found the right person yet, since it is for a life time, I better take my time to choose and choose carefully instead of making up my mind so fast.

Quite true actually, except I am soon to be running out of time if things still do not happen. Anyway, she said to put my heart in to determine if he is the right one. To which I said that it is precisely because I have put my heart in too many times, which is why I am now in this state. So she said in that case, use my head too. The right person is determined by using both my heart and head, and both will be in sync to tell me that this is the one.

Hmmmm.... interesting. I always thought love is to be determined by one's heart, because the feelings are either there or not there. If love needs to be calculated and analysed using one's mind, then that is not true love, is it not? Love occurs when you least expect it, and when that happens, all forms of rationality and analysis can never explain the feeling. Neither can you explain why you end up falling for the most unlikely person.

But I understand where she is coming from. Many a times, I have paid heed to my feelings, only to be hurt and disappointed that it is but another false hope. Then the one or two times I actually used my head instead, I ended up being too concerned with whether he meets what I am looking for, kept observing without putting my entire feelings into it, and in the end things ended before anything even started.

So shall we listen more to our heads or our hearts when it comes to finding the one? In a lifelong relationship, it takes more than just love. But any love without commitment, acceptance and tolerance is but superficial love, is it not? True deep love goes beyond what is on the surface, and takes the person for who he / she is, willing to be committed to make things work. And the love part comes from the heart and feelings.

But without common values, goals and having the same frequency, can love then sustain? If two people cannot even communicate on a deeper level, and have totally opposing views on important aspects of a relationship, can the love really see them through? Despite what people say about true love conquering all, but if people's paths are so different, can they then really continue to be together and have a future even if they love each other?

Having a common direction is important, is it not? If one person wants to settle down and have kids, but the other person does not wish to, how are both going to be together? This is something that can never be compromised amicably despite what people say. I have friends who married each other because they love(d) each other, but one wanted kids, the other one did not, and in the end they ended up in divorce as they quarrelled about that issue ever so often.

Or if one wants to be close to the family, the other prefers more space and privacy, they are not going to be happy in the long run too. Worse is the religion issue. If one is of a certain religion and the other is not, and despite accepting that and not ask him / her to convert, sooner or later, the one in the religion will think that the partner does not support his / her religion enough, and the non-religious one will wonder why the partner spends all the time in the church / mosque / temple and not enough time with him / her. Then conflicts will occur.

Despite what many people think, things like these do affect a relationship. So many people made the mistake of thinking as long as they truly love each other, all things will be worked out, all things will be compromised. Well, that may be true to a certain extent, but at the end of it all, these differing views will hurt a relationship more than anything else.

It is not just a matter of having different hobbies and interests, because after all, hobbies and interests can be built up, and the least one can do is to show support to the partner when pursuing each other's hobbies. Like for instance, I will like my partner to support me and be there for me when I pursue a higher education or performance certificate, and if he is the type who does sports, I will be willing to go watch how he plays. It is how one accommodates each other.

But values are in born or influenced. We can never change another person's thinking. Even if we end up falling for someone, but in the end if he / she does something we cannot condone or accept, then perhaps it is time to start using our heads to see if this person is really suitable and if we really can accept that aspect of the person.

Often, I have used my heart, even when my head tells me otherwise. I kept thinking as long as there is love, nothing else matters. And in most cases, nothing else really mattered for me, I did not care what we did or who gave more in the relationship, but I realised in the end that the other person did not think the same way.

After all these while, I think I have finally learnt the lesson, long time overdue. And that is in order to determine whether the person is suitable enough to develop a lifetime relationship, it does not depend on feelings alone, but also whether we are compatible in terms of communication, family background and values. Feelings can then be developed once all the factors are in place. And both have to be on mutual and equal terms in order to have a relationship, not just one-sided.

Thus, it is really hard to find the right person with all the right factors. But I believe when the right one comes along, both my head and my heart will be in sync to tell me the same things. I have listened to my heart too often, it is time I start listening to my head. And if both are telling me the same things without any doubt, then that will be the one that I shall go for.

Religious Sins

A friend and I were just discussing religion - a sensitive topic to many people. Some can be quite fanatical, as in they try to convert whoever they see. For me, I converted to my religion out of my own free will (although I do believe there was some divine intervention which caused me to make my choice), so I give the same choice to others. Which means I am not the type to go around preaching or converting everyone I see.

My path has never been easy. An analogy can be the path to true love never did run smooth, there are bound to be trials and challenges along the way. So was my religious journey. I will not say I am that staunch whatsoever, but in light of recent months, religion has played a bigger role in my life, where certain aspects are concerned.

Everyone has a choice, so the least I will like from anyone is to respect my choice of religion, instead of asking or condemning me just because I happen to be in a certain religion or denomination than others. Nobody knows what I have gone through before getting baptised (not that I have gone through anything really drastic, but my church-going days have not been that smooth-sailing), so I do not think anyone is in any position to comment or judge which religion I go into or which church I attend.

However, there have been others I know who give religion a bad name. Some people claim they are so active in church, yet go around leading such a messy life. No doubt the God we are baptised in loves us unconditionally to forgive all our sins and imperfections, but that does not mean we can continue doing the same things and sinning.

I have sinned greatly, and I have confessed. I have felt guilty and bad about my mistake, but I believe I have been forgiven, otherwise I will never have felt in peace. It was due to prayer and lots of support from some people that I managed to survive a messy period, and to that I am eternally grateful. This is a mistake which can never be rectified, but I have promised God that I will never make the same mistake ever again.

But some people, who claim they serve in so many church ministries and are so active in the church activities, go around having one night stands all the time, smoking, gambling, stealing, murdering, doing all the things which the Bible says not to do. These are the real hypocrites - twisting the church's teachings to their own benefits.

Perhaps it is people like these that give Christians per se a bad name? After all, how can one preach that the religion does good, yet behaves in the opposite way? People are quick to generalise and judge, so it will be unfair to the rest of the church-goers if a few black sheep tarnish the images and teachings.

No doubt everyone is supposed to be sinners because we are all imperfect, but that is not to say we deliberately sin in a major way. We can be born with a quick-temper, or with a laid-back attitude that is in our character, but ideally, everyone should work to improve on themselves instead of making things worse. And those who indulge in sin yet still claim to be Christians are really the worst of the lot.

Of Family And In-Laws

Ever so often, I will read what is posted in the Singapore Brides forum. The forum is interesting as in one gets to see what people are up to from all walks of life. Like a friend was telling me, he cannot imagine there are so many people out there who stray, ie married yet still go fooling around or date others.

So I told him that there are people like that. Perhaps because I have been too sheltered, as my family members are considered more wholesome than others, so growing up, it was inculcated in me that commitment is for a lifetime, and there can be absolutely no form of hanky-panky before marriage, and no fooling around after marriage. All the more so for a girl.

Thus, I was (still am) always against those who engage in extra-marital affairs, until that big mistake I made. Anyway, it seems that lately, there are many of those who chose to get married, but in the end took the vows so lightly and went fooling around behind their spouse's back.

Marriage is a choice, but once you choose it, then be committed, is it not? The worst thing anyone can do is to settle down just for the sake of settling down, without thinking through properly what they are getting themselves into. Which is why even though I yearn to settle down, but I know I can only do it with one special person, and not just with anyone who shows interest. Which explains why I am still in this state.

But what the forum interested me in is the number of complaints against parents-in-laws. And it is always the women who write in to complain about their in-laws, never the men. I have had female colleagues who tell me that even though they are close to their own parents, somehow they can never be as close to their in-laws.

Come to think of it, it seems quite true. Even in my family alone, the men get along better with their in-laws than the women. My mum is good to my paternal grandmother, takes care of all her needs and show appropriate care and concern like a good daughter-in-law, but it is her own mother whom she brings shopping, touring, and outings more often.

One of the topics in the forum is on dissatisfaction of how the in-laws just keep dropping by unannounced, until the couple decides not to go home so early. Another one writes about how now that she and her husband are about to move out, her mother-in-law shows dissatisfaction and makes quite a lot of hurtful remarks.

Of course, these are their own versions. No one will know what really transpired if you are not the parties concerned. But to me, I see no reason why people kick up a fuss over this. What is wrong with staying with the in-laws? What is wrong with the in-laws dropping by? Do the in-laws or parents have to make an appointment in order to go to their children's homes? I do not think the children have to make appointments to go to their parents' homes, so why can the same hospitality not be extended to the parents?

True, people can be troublesome, but the thing is if you marry each other, you accept each other's families and take them as your own family. And living with people, even with a spouse, there is always accommodation and compromise. Why pick on trivial and minor things? I do not think I ever have a problem getting along with people's parents. And my best friend gets on superbly with her in-laws too. She seems to adore her mother-in-law even more than her own mother!

Many people make the mistake thinking that a relationship and marriage is just two people. But family does play a part, especially since one will like the family members to accept the boy / girlfriend. Of course, if the couple is really committed to each other, they will try to get on the good terms of the respective family members, which was what my friend did, and that was how in the end he married his wife with the complete support and blessings of her family.

Like it or not, the family sticks with you throughout your life. Which is why if two people get together, the most basic thing is to bring the person home to know your family members. I used to think some people are not comfortable with that, but experience tells me that if the person has nothing to hide, why does he not bring you to see his family members or invite you to his place?

If you really like and think of progressing with someone, you will want your family members to meet him / her as well to see if they can get along together and vice versa. I may sound really cliche here, but at the end of the day, if two people get married, it is marrying into each other's families and not just themselves.

Con Te Partiro

The original lyrics to the song that is playing now, Andrea Bocelli's "Time To Say Goodbye". Beautiful lyrics! The English translation is even more beautiful and poetic!

Quando sono solo
sogno all'orizzonte
e mancan le parole,
Si lo so che non c'è luce
in una stanza quando manca il sole,
se non ci sei tu con me, con me.

Su le finestre
mostra a tutti il mio cuore
che hai acceso,
chiudi dentro me
la luce che
hai incontrato per strada.

Con te partirò.
Paesi che non ho mai
veduto e vissuto con te,
adesso si li vivrò,
Con te partirò
su navi per mari
che, io lo so,
no, no, non esistono più,
con te io li vivrò.

Quando sei lontana
sogno all'orizzonte
e mancan le parole,
e io sì lo so
che sei con me,
tu mia luna tu sei qui con me,
mio sole tu sei qui con me,
con me, con me, con me.

Con te partirò.
Paesi che non ho mai
veduto e vissuto con te,
adesso si li vivrò.
Con te partirò
su navi per mari
che, io lo so,
no, no, non esistono più,
con te io li rivivrò.
Con te partirò
su navi per mari
che, io lo so,
no, no, non esistono più,
con te io li rivivrò.
Con te partirò.
Io con te.

And the English translation, "I'll Go With You".

When I'm alone
I dream on the horizon
and words fail;
yes, I know there is no light
in a room where the sun is absent,
if you are not with me, with me.
At the windows
show everyone my heart
which you set alight;
enclose within me
the light you
encountered on the street.

I'll go with you,
to countries I never
saw and shared with you,
now, yes, I shall experience them.
I'll go with you
on ships across seas
which, I know,
no, no, exist no longer;
with you I shall experience them.

When you are far away
I dream on the horizon
And words fail,
and, Yes, I know
that you are with me;
you, my moon, are here with me,
my sun, you are here with me,
with me, with me, with me.

I'll go with you,
To countries I never
Saw and shared with you,
now, yes, I shall experience them.
I'll go with you
On ships across seas
which, I know,
no, no, exist no longer,
with you I shall experience them again.
I'll go with you
On ships across seas
Which, I know,
No, no, exist no longer;
with you I shall experience them again.
I'll go with you,
I with you.

Can I still dare to dream of the vision that one day, at the beach with the one I love, he will recite or sing this to me, and make the sunset even more beautiful and the sea waters even more captivating?

A Woman's Happiness

I used to wonder why my best friend chose her husband. Not that he is a bad guy, but he is not the best-looking, nor the most romantic, nor the most established among the guys she had dated. And they do not even have the same religion. Of course, looks and romance are but superficial, what matters is he is true to her. Still, I thought she could do better.

But after an email I received from her today, I am all the more convinced she made the right choice. He celebrated her birthday at his parents' place (with the dog). It was but a simple celebration, but full of love and warmth, because it was celebrated with people who really love her. And the photos look so heartwarming that I felt like crying after that!

True, one need not be extravagant or have fine wine and dine all the time. One need not even splash on expensive gifts or go to nice places. A simple celebration with all your loved ones is what matters.

Now I know why she married him. He is a family man, a caregiver, good to his family and pet, good to her family, and can take care of her really well. Thus, a woman to marry a man like that will really be happy. A woman's happiness lies not in finding an interesting man, but in finding a good man who is true and committed to her. If I ever marry, I will also want someone like that. All other factors are really not that important after all.

A New Matchmaking Institute

Another interesting article in the news. Competition is getting more and more intense. Yet I still find it funny that so many people still have no luck finding someone. If all these places help, then one should have many choices to choose from, and finding someone will be easier, will it not?

Of course, not all will work out. For instance, I have never thought of progressing with those I am still in contact with from the dating agencies, although some of them have become firm friends. Ironically it is those I met through other channels that I actually gave a chance to, just that things could not progress further.

My own experiences with dating agencies are that it is a good way to meet people. One meets all kinds of people, interesting, fun, obnoxious, insufferable. You name it, there will be someone to fit into every category.

But meeting people and finding someone is not the same as finding the right person. Sometimes the right person pops up all of a sudden when you are at your wit's end and on the verge of giving up. The fates always have a way to play tricks on the people. Which makes me wonder, when will I find the right person then?

My friend was just remarking that the dating agencies seem to be undercutting each other, and they should consolidate their databases to complement each other instead and work together. Well, I think every dating agency has a different package. There are some exclusively for speed dating, some for group dates, some for social gatherings, some for one-on-one dates, which may either become a disaster or something good comes out of it.

To me, I think if the agencies are to do profit-sharing, then it will not be feasible in the long run. After all, the different agencies are running a business as well, so competition keeps the business going more aggressively. I am not one with a business mind (as evidenced from my Economics grade), but even then, I know too what matters in business is profit and service. No one will want to go on in a losing business.

Perhaps this is why dating agencies are getting more and more popular, because it seems that the demand and supply is increasing. I still remember the very first Economics lesson that if there is demand and supply, there will be business and profit, especially if the demand is more than the supply.

There are more and more singles out there who are yearning to find the right one, but at the same time unable to find one in their own circles due to various factors. And that is where these agencies come in - to provide a service to people who are looking for the right one to be with.

In Memory ....

A certain high profile couple is in the news lately, for some alleged claiming of shares of things which they bought together. When the relationship is going great, everything is sweet and romantic. When a relationship sours, there can be dispute and fights over everything. Things will turn sour and neither will give in.

It is times like these that I feel quite blessed, that so far those I have not had chance to progress with, and those I have had broken up with, just as well we ended when we did. And we parted on amicable terms, as friends, although whether a couple of them want to remain as friends is another story.

Hence, this is a bit of, no make it very, belated dedication to someone who gave me a beautiful, albeit short-lived, memory. The final close to a chapter.

When I'm alone I dream of the horizon and words fail me.
There is no light in a room where there is no sun
and there is no sun if you're not here with me, with me.
From every window unfurls my heart the heart that you have won.
Into me you've poured the light,
the light that you have found by the side of the road.

Time to say goodbye.
Places that I've never seen or experienced with you.
Now I shall, I'll sail with you upon ships across the seas,
seas that exist no more,
it's time to say goodbye.

When you're far away I dream of the horizon and words fail me.
And of course I know that you're with me, with me.
You, my moon, you are with me.
My sun, you're here with me with me, with me, with me.

Time to say goodbye.
Places that I've never seen or experienced with you.
Now I shall, I'll sail with you upon ships across the seas,
seas that exist no more,

I'll revive them with you.
I'll go with you upon ships across the seas,
seas that exist no more,
I'll revive them with you.
I'll go with you.

You and me.

~ Time To Say Good Bye (Sarah Brightman and Andrea Borcelli)

"We Need To Talk"

In recent years, I have started having a phobia of the above phrase. Normally, whenever someone says, "We need to talk", it normally bodes bad news, at least for me. After all, it is only because of unresolved problems that people want to talk. If things are going well, who will bother spending the time and energy talking things through?

Besides my mum, there have only been two others who have used that phrase on me, and whenever that happens, it is to talk about issues close to our hearts. Sometimes we would end up quarrelling, sometimes things would be resolved.

In the past couple of years, this phrase is synonymous with the end of a budding relationship. Thus, whenever someone potential tells me they need to talk, it is always the worst case scenario, and I get upset over false hopes and disappointments again.

So much so that lately, whenever I meet someone new, I get so wary and reserved. Not a healthy sign I know, but after having been disappointed so many times, now I tend to protect myself a bit and not hope for too much, as the bigger the hope, the greater the disappointment. I am no longer that young and have the energy to keep getting hurt.

In the past, I would avoid whenever someone told me they need to talk. In my younger and more carefree days, I thought the longer I avoided, things would just resolve by themselves. How naive and childish I was! To think of something so immature!

Thus now, especially in light of the past two years, I am more receptive whenever people tell me they need to talk. After all, if things are really not going well, it is better to nip them in the bud rather than avoiding and dragging on, is it not? Only a real (wo)man will face problems and difficulties head on, and try to resolve the issues, instead of keeping quiet, avoiding and then pull a disappearing act, taking it as if nothing happened.

I have learnt a few lessons through the years, and that is, in facing problems and confrontation, and resolving and letting go of difficult situations, can one truly grow. It is all part of growth, and one then gain more experiences and start becoming more objective in dealing with things, instead of being so emotional. So now I am all for talking, instead of avoiding!

Western "Laksa"

I was at PS Cafe in Paragon for lunch yesterday. Initially I was not able to find the place, then I saw the sign "ProjectShop Cafe" and guessed that was the one. The menu has a certain laksa pento, which is spaghetti with laksa gravy and long beans, which my friend referred to as the "western-style laksa".

I find it rather intriguing, so I decided to try it. It tastes nice, really like laksa, but not as spicy. Imagine the kinds of food people can come up with. Maybe I have really lost touch with life, but it is the first time I am tasting spaghetti made to taste like laksa. Being able to cook is really good, one can experiment with all kinds of things.

But nothing beats the original Katong laksa, with the thick gravy and sambal! The stretch of laksa stalls, plus chicken rice, noodles, peranakan cuisines. And I am so happy that I am staying somewhere near there, to where all the nice food places are!

A Sign Of Pettiness?

I went for another social networking dinner on Saturday night, consisting of four ladies and three men. This time round, those involved are mostly older than me, so we talked about serious stuff like the things we do, politics, technology, to a point of being stodgy. Hmmmm......

Last night, I went for dinner with a guy. He seems okay in the beginning, but when the bill came, he told me that he did not bring enough cash with him and asked if I could pay. Warning signs started ringing in my head because I had experienced this before, where the guy simply just lived off me and shirked his responsibility.

But he sounded so apologetic so to prevent any further embarrassment, I paid for the bill. Then he offered to walk around with me, on the pretext of looking for an ATM. After wandering for a while, he said he needed to rush off, and asked for my contact, and since he was not able to find an ATM, he would ask me out again and pay me back.

Then I did something I have never done before. I asked if he could at least walk me to the train station, to which he obliged. So I deliberately took him by the route where we would pass by the appropriate ATM, and even pointed out the machine for his attention.

After that, he withdrew the cash and paid me back for the dinner, including my share, which I declined at first but he insisted. Hmmmm.... I wonder if I have been a bit too petty? It is not a big sum after all, should I have just let it go instead of making things difficult for him, so to speak? At times, I wonder since when have I become so particular, when in the past I could have just let it go?

Another Tribute

Ben-Hur and Moses is dead! Another legendary figure is gone. My mum love his movies! And I fell in love with epics ever since the first time I watched "Ben-Hur", one Maundy Thursday many years ago. Since then, I was captivated by major productions. That was when I actually understood Jesus' crucifixion.

A year later, on another Maundy Thursday, I watched "Ten Commandments" and that was when I really started going to church religiously. Sometimes things need to be shown visually before one can get touched and influenced. Or perhaps I am just a very "influential" person?

Sad to say, there has never been anyone else who can perform on par with his calibre. Seems like the older batch of artistes are really better. How many younger artistes can look good yet act so well and mesmerising at the same time? In most cases, they rely on their looks more than anything else. Ironically, those who can really act are those who are not that good-looking in the first place.

Living A Musical Life

I have always wanted to learn another instrument or two. There are people screaming at me, after knowing three instruments, I still want to learn more?! Erh... yes actually. The piano and electone were what my parents wanted me to learn, the recorder was what I had to learn when I was taking music minor back in university. Not that I do not enjoy playing any of those though.

Come to think of it, where exactly has my recorder gone to? Must go dig it up one day. I do not mean the small white ivory recorder which primary school kids need to get for music lessons, but the longer, sleeker light brown recorder made of German wood, and where the sound quality is so much better.

But the instruments I want to learn are those which I really want to learn on my own accord, not because anyone asked me to, or required to in order to complete a course. I am referring to instruments like violin, flute, guitar, cello and saxophone (although I have more interest in the first two as compared to the rest).

Actually if I did not switch from violin to choir, perhaps I could have reached quite a high standard in violin playing. But I never regretted, because singing is so much more fun and challenging, and requires much more techniques. In fact, voice is the hardest instrument to master.

So why violin and flute? No idea actually. I just like them, the same reason why I like tennis and squash over badminton or table tennis. Or why I prefer classical singing over karaoke singing. Imagine if I can play the violin and flute, I will be able to play an instrument in almost every category - piano, woodwind, strings. Throw in the saxophone and it will be complete, with brass.

I never thought my wish could come true, because even though I have been rather interested in the instruments, lack of time and money made me give up on the idea. But the other day, the music school and I had a pact, well, sort-of.

The music school I am currently attending has a pool of very talented teachers / instructors. The teachers have all been actively involved in the music scene since young, and have at least a degree in music. It is not the same as someone having just mere Grade 8 or Diploma qualifications, but actual music majors in their respective instruments.

Besides piano, they offer a wide range of instruments too. So, I indicated my interest. And since it is obvious I am passionate about music, I can take up voice, violin and flute, as well as get the instruments, at a very big discount off the price! What better way to learn music, keep my passion going and yet affordable at the same time?

Needless to say, I took up the offer without any hesitation. So it is one step ahead of making my wish(es) come true. The lessons will officially start in June, after my examination. Best is I can learn all on the same day, since each lesson is just one hour or less. Then I can dedicate one day to music and not need to run around all the time!

This teaches me that I should continue wishing and not give up, because one of these days, your wishes do come true. Thus I believe whatever I wish for in my life will come true too, I just need to be patient and let things happen.

A Photo Experiment

I did an experiment. I finally uploaded my photo onto the dating website I am on. And guess what? All of a sudden, I have an influx of people wanting to contact me and writing to me, when things have been stagnant for a few months!

Ever since I signed up to the website, I have never uploaded my photo. To me, I feel that one should not judge on just appearances alone, and besides, I am not that comfortable baring my photo to all and sundry when I do not even know anyone there. So I relied on my profile. This is something like dating agencies, where both get set up on blind dates with just their profiles and names and not what they look like.

Besides, I feel that if the guys are really interested to know me based on my profile alone, they will still contact me even without my photo. Thus, I never wanted to upload a photo. Things were quite good initially, because I did meet quite a number of interesting guys. Of course, there are still dubious guys who wanted to take a stab, but the couple of guys I have met and tried to progress with are really genuine and true and we really had great times. Even if nothing came out of it, I made a few close friends.

Lately, things were rather stagnated for the past few months. There were other contacts of course, but all were dubious characters who just wanted to try their luck in getting laid. There was one guy who wrote to me, and I replied, and he replied, then we migrated to chatting online. Yet recently he contacted me again, with the same introductory message. Seems like he wrote to everyone the same way. It gives me the impression he is just trying out his luck by stabbing in the dark.

Hmmm... does he not remember me or he just did not bother saving all those he had contacted? At least this person makes me realise that he is one I will not bother with, since we do not seem to be on the same level. It is trivial things like these that one can see one's character, because the real person will never be able to hide away. If the person is really serious, he will know who he has contacted and not just send out contacts in the dark like that, without even knowing if he has repeated contacts!

Then there was another guy whom I deemed his profile rather interesting, and I like the way he expresses himself. Another articulate person. So I dropped him a note. That was before I uploaded my photo. I saw that he had viewed me, but he did not reply to my message so I did not bother after that. Then when my photo was uploaded, he contacted me on his own initiative.

So what does that show? That people are still so shallow and that appearances do matter? I admit the photo I uploaded was a close-up one taken during my cousin's wedding last year, so I was quite dressed up and made up, and perhaps do look a little better than most days.

Which makes me worry whether people contact me because of what I write, or because of what I look like. If someone really has inner beauty and on the lookout for someone special in the hopes of developing a serious life-long relationship, looks really do not matter, is it not? It is the character and personality that matters, how compatible both are, how much in common they have.

Thus I am removing my photo and will never upload another one. If people still contact me and show interest despite not having a photo, then I believe these are the ones that are more worthy of my time, and not those who only go for what one looks like. A real genuine and true person will go beyond appearances to the inner core, and not focus on what is outside.

Rediscovering The Food For The Mind

Finally, I have an idea how to sort out my books! Since I am going to re-read them again anyway, which is probably going to take me the next couple of years in light of the number I have and my kind of schedule lately, I have decided to read them according to category.

Which means I will start with classic English Literature to modern English Literature. That means, "Canterbury Tales", followed by "Utopia", then Shakespeare, "Paradise Lost", Jane Austen, "Frankenstein", "Jane Eyre", "Wuthering Heights", Charles Dickens, George Eliot, Oscar Wilde, D H Lawrence, Sherlock Holmes, Agatha Christie, James Joyce, George Orwell, Lewis Caroll, Chronicles of Narnia, Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, Dan Brown, Nicholas Sparks.

Next, comes French Literature of Antoine de Saint-Exupery, Guy de Maupassant and Gustave Flaubert. Then Russian Literature of Fyodor Dostoyevsky ("Crime and Punishement", "Poor Folk", "The Idiot"), together with the works of Leo Tolstoy ("War and Peace"), as well as "Doctor Zhivago" and "Lara's Child".

Not to mention American authors like Margaret Mitchell ("Gone With The Wind") and the sequel "Scarlett", as well as F Scott Fitzgerald and the historian writer Margaret George. And also the Coloumbian author Gabriel Garcia Marquez. Plus the modern books like "The Kite Runner", "The Inheritance of Loss", "The Time Traveller's Wife".

After that Chinese Literature (in English of course). The four great novels - "Journey to the West", "A Dream of Red Mansions", "The Water Margin" and "Romance of the Three Kingdoms", followed by the "Selected Stories of Lu Hsun". Also books by Chinese writers like Amy Tan, Lisa See, Jung Chang, and our local writers like Catherine Lim. Finally, it will be Chinese books of Eileen Chang, Louis Cha and the Wisely series. Plus the various manga series which I have.

This is not even a comprehensive list! There are still lots more books which are standalone that I have not noted down. Looks like I am going to have a great time rediscovering the beauty of books for quite a while!

Miracle Baby?

I was busy with assignments the past week that I could hardly catch up on the latest news. So when I started reading the newspapers again from last Wednesday, I was really disturbed when I saw this piece of news.

What could have been a happy family trip ended up in tragedy. Imagine the poor baby orphaned just shortly after her birth! Nobody wanted the accident to happen, but at the same time, there was no denying that she has now lost her family. Her uncle said the rest of the family still had no idea what to do with her, but honestly, they are her closest relations now, so should they not adopt her and take her in since she has already lost her own family?

Life is so fragile indeed. Some people will say when it is the time to go, it is the time to go. Even when you sneeze or have common flu, when it is your time to leave the world, you will die from complications of a minor illness. If it is not the time yet, then even if you have a major accident, somehow you will still survive.

It is a miracle indeed that the baby managed to survive. Perhaps she will live on and do something out of her life? Perhaps God and the fates have a plan for her somehow? Meanwhile, I pray and hope that she will be fine and her family will take care of her properly.

Putting My Best Foot Forward

For the longest time, I have been rather wishy-washy and frivolous on what I want and what needs to be done. Beginning of this year, I started to think of where exactly is my direction going to be. As long as eight years back (the millennium year), I have been trying to track down my old classmates, wondering where they were.

As the years went by, especially recently due to the very high frequency social web portal, I have found quite a number of old friends, who are very successful in their own rights. Of course I am happy for them that they are doing so well, but I cannot help but have a tinge of shamefulness of my own.

I am not trying to show off or whatsoever, but I was from the best class back in school. Even though I was never from those top schools, but the schools I have attended have made it top thirty every year at least. So when I see my friends who were not from the best classes with lesser grades than me during the examinations (not that their grades were that bad anyway) all managed to enter top universities and went into rather high-profile jobs, I cannot help but wonder exactly what I am doing with my life?

I start to remember what my school(s) had taught me - not just being exam-smart, but also to be well-rounded and be the best we can be. Whatever and whoever I am now, is just a minuscule fraction of what I am truly capable of. I used to do so many things back in school, yet now I cannot even be determined enough to really achieve something, despite what I always say about hoping to achieve.

So I start to make up my mind. What do I want to achieve? Can I do more to achieve? Whatever I want is not just lip service, but actually toiling and struggling to achieve it, no matter how challenging and difficult it is. I must have the determination and motivation to achieve things, instead of taking things so easy.

What do I want at this point in time (and the next few years)? Get a first class honours, of course. That is why I started to study again. Get a diploma in piano performance. Find a mate, get married, start a family. Get a driving license. Continue singing, hopefully in church and be more involved in church activities. Step by step, once all these have been achieved, then we can go on to the next step along the way.

Thus I am convinced I have finally found my direction, long overdue. And this time, it will not be just plain lip service, but actual action and putting in my best in order to achieve. Most importantly, do what I set out to do, instead of giving up halfway.

For that, I pray to God that He will guide me along and never let me falter, as have happened so many times before. This time I am not going to let myself slide again. It is indeed time I finally wake up and do something in life.