Life is funny indeed. My social life was almost non-existent for the first quarter of the year. I was rusting around at home the whole day and whole weekend. Come second quarter, that aspect is picking up, and right now, it seems like I have something on every weekend and some weekdays! When no one asks me out, I was not able to ask anyone out as well. Now when people start asking me out (and vice versa), everyone starts coming at the same time. But I am not complaining, I rather my social life pick up than to stay home and rot.
I was having a rather intense discussion with a friend earlier on, which reminded me of something my aunt told me last year. During my cousin's wedding, as usual, well-meaning people will ask when will it be my turn, to which I answered that no one seems to want me. My aunt then said I just have not found the right person yet, since it is for a life time, I better take my time to choose and choose carefully instead of making up my mind so fast.
Quite true actually, except I am soon to be running out of time if things still do not happen. Anyway, she said to put my heart in to determine if he is the right one. To which I said that it is precisely because I have put my heart in too many times, which is why I am now in this state. So she said in that case, use my head too. The right person is determined by using both my heart and head, and both will be in sync to tell me that this is the one.
Hmmmm.... interesting. I always thought love is to be determined by one's heart, because the feelings are either there or not there. If love needs to be calculated and analysed using one's mind, then that is not true love, is it not? Love occurs when you least expect it, and when that happens, all forms of rationality and analysis can never explain the feeling. Neither can you explain why you end up falling for the most unlikely person.
But I understand where she is coming from. Many a times, I have paid heed to my feelings, only to be hurt and disappointed that it is but another false hope. Then the one or two times I actually used my head instead, I ended up being too concerned with whether he meets what I am looking for, kept observing without putting my entire feelings into it, and in the end things ended before anything even started.
So shall we listen more to our heads or our hearts when it comes to finding the one? In a lifelong relationship, it takes more than just love. But any love without commitment, acceptance and tolerance is but superficial love, is it not? True deep love goes beyond what is on the surface, and takes the person for who he / she is, willing to be committed to make things work. And the love part comes from the heart and feelings.
But without common values, goals and having the same frequency, can love then sustain? If two people cannot even communicate on a deeper level, and have totally opposing views on important aspects of a relationship, can the love really see them through? Despite what people say about true love conquering all, but if people's paths are so different, can they then really continue to be together and have a future even if they love each other?
Having a common direction is important, is it not? If one person wants to settle down and have kids, but the other person does not wish to, how are both going to be together? This is something that can never be compromised amicably despite what people say. I have friends who married each other because they love(d) each other, but one wanted kids, the other one did not, and in the end they ended up in divorce as they quarrelled about that issue ever so often.
Or if one wants to be close to the family, the other prefers more space and privacy, they are not going to be happy in the long run too. Worse is the religion issue. If one is of a certain religion and the other is not, and despite accepting that and not ask him / her to convert, sooner or later, the one in the religion will think that the partner does not support his / her religion enough, and the non-religious one will wonder why the partner spends all the time in the church / mosque / temple and not enough time with him / her. Then conflicts will occur.
Despite what many people think, things like these do affect a relationship. So many people made the mistake of thinking as long as they truly love each other, all things will be worked out, all things will be compromised. Well, that may be true to a certain extent, but at the end of it all, these differing views will hurt a relationship more than anything else.
It is not just a matter of having different hobbies and interests, because after all, hobbies and interests can be built up, and the least one can do is to show support to the partner when pursuing each other's hobbies. Like for instance, I will like my partner to support me and be there for me when I pursue a higher education or performance certificate, and if he is the type who does sports, I will be willing to go watch how he plays. It is how one accommodates each other.
But values are in born or influenced. We can never change another person's thinking. Even if we end up falling for someone, but in the end if he / she does something we cannot condone or accept, then perhaps it is time to start using our heads to see if this person is really suitable and if we really can accept that aspect of the person.
Often, I have used my heart, even when my head tells me otherwise. I kept thinking as long as there is love, nothing else matters. And in most cases, nothing else really mattered for me, I did not care what we did or who gave more in the relationship, but I realised in the end that the other person did not think the same way.
After all these while, I think I have finally learnt the lesson, long time overdue. And that is in order to determine whether the person is suitable enough to develop a lifetime relationship, it does not depend on feelings alone, but also whether we are compatible in terms of communication, family background and values. Feelings can then be developed once all the factors are in place. And both have to be on mutual and equal terms in order to have a relationship, not just one-sided.
Thus, it is really hard to find the right person with all the right factors. But I believe when the right one comes along, both my head and my heart will be in sync to tell me the same things. I have listened to my heart too often, it is time I start listening to my head. And if both are telling me the same things without any doubt, then that will be the one that I shall go for.
I was having a rather intense discussion with a friend earlier on, which reminded me of something my aunt told me last year. During my cousin's wedding, as usual, well-meaning people will ask when will it be my turn, to which I answered that no one seems to want me. My aunt then said I just have not found the right person yet, since it is for a life time, I better take my time to choose and choose carefully instead of making up my mind so fast.
Quite true actually, except I am soon to be running out of time if things still do not happen. Anyway, she said to put my heart in to determine if he is the right one. To which I said that it is precisely because I have put my heart in too many times, which is why I am now in this state. So she said in that case, use my head too. The right person is determined by using both my heart and head, and both will be in sync to tell me that this is the one.
Hmmmm.... interesting. I always thought love is to be determined by one's heart, because the feelings are either there or not there. If love needs to be calculated and analysed using one's mind, then that is not true love, is it not? Love occurs when you least expect it, and when that happens, all forms of rationality and analysis can never explain the feeling. Neither can you explain why you end up falling for the most unlikely person.
But I understand where she is coming from. Many a times, I have paid heed to my feelings, only to be hurt and disappointed that it is but another false hope. Then the one or two times I actually used my head instead, I ended up being too concerned with whether he meets what I am looking for, kept observing without putting my entire feelings into it, and in the end things ended before anything even started.
So shall we listen more to our heads or our hearts when it comes to finding the one? In a lifelong relationship, it takes more than just love. But any love without commitment, acceptance and tolerance is but superficial love, is it not? True deep love goes beyond what is on the surface, and takes the person for who he / she is, willing to be committed to make things work. And the love part comes from the heart and feelings.
But without common values, goals and having the same frequency, can love then sustain? If two people cannot even communicate on a deeper level, and have totally opposing views on important aspects of a relationship, can the love really see them through? Despite what people say about true love conquering all, but if people's paths are so different, can they then really continue to be together and have a future even if they love each other?
Having a common direction is important, is it not? If one person wants to settle down and have kids, but the other person does not wish to, how are both going to be together? This is something that can never be compromised amicably despite what people say. I have friends who married each other because they love(d) each other, but one wanted kids, the other one did not, and in the end they ended up in divorce as they quarrelled about that issue ever so often.
Or if one wants to be close to the family, the other prefers more space and privacy, they are not going to be happy in the long run too. Worse is the religion issue. If one is of a certain religion and the other is not, and despite accepting that and not ask him / her to convert, sooner or later, the one in the religion will think that the partner does not support his / her religion enough, and the non-religious one will wonder why the partner spends all the time in the church / mosque / temple and not enough time with him / her. Then conflicts will occur.
Despite what many people think, things like these do affect a relationship. So many people made the mistake of thinking as long as they truly love each other, all things will be worked out, all things will be compromised. Well, that may be true to a certain extent, but at the end of it all, these differing views will hurt a relationship more than anything else.
It is not just a matter of having different hobbies and interests, because after all, hobbies and interests can be built up, and the least one can do is to show support to the partner when pursuing each other's hobbies. Like for instance, I will like my partner to support me and be there for me when I pursue a higher education or performance certificate, and if he is the type who does sports, I will be willing to go watch how he plays. It is how one accommodates each other.
But values are in born or influenced. We can never change another person's thinking. Even if we end up falling for someone, but in the end if he / she does something we cannot condone or accept, then perhaps it is time to start using our heads to see if this person is really suitable and if we really can accept that aspect of the person.
Often, I have used my heart, even when my head tells me otherwise. I kept thinking as long as there is love, nothing else matters. And in most cases, nothing else really mattered for me, I did not care what we did or who gave more in the relationship, but I realised in the end that the other person did not think the same way.
After all these while, I think I have finally learnt the lesson, long time overdue. And that is in order to determine whether the person is suitable enough to develop a lifetime relationship, it does not depend on feelings alone, but also whether we are compatible in terms of communication, family background and values. Feelings can then be developed once all the factors are in place. And both have to be on mutual and equal terms in order to have a relationship, not just one-sided.
Thus, it is really hard to find the right person with all the right factors. But I believe when the right one comes along, both my head and my heart will be in sync to tell me the same things. I have listened to my heart too often, it is time I start listening to my head. And if both are telling me the same things without any doubt, then that will be the one that I shall go for.
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