Since three years back (gosh, has it really been this long?), I have made a promise to myself and resolve never ever to cry over another guy. This resolve was broken a year later. I spent about nine months crying myself to sleep over the indifference of a certain person, until in the end I gave up, and realised that when everything was over, I only felt relief. I did not cry at all. I felt bruised, cheated, anger, hurt, even depressed, but not to the extent of crying buckets.
In fact, I have never cried buckets since that broken engagement. That was when I really cried. I cried every night, every day, I could not sleep, could not eat, could not even function normally. Just as well I was on holiday, then I need not go to work looking like a wreck. I cried for another half a year, and lapsed into on-off depression for a few years after that. Since then, I have never cried as hard over anything else anymore.
Which makes me wonder have I become unfeeling? Or did I just not feel as deeply about other things and other people as compared to how I felt then? A few years ago, I was weaving a story, and while plotting out the skeleton, I was able to get into the emotional state of the main character, and I cried.
Yes, I cried while formulating my own story! I cried while watching romance movies, I cried while listening to sad songs, I cried while reading a touching article. I still cry after watching "Titanic", "Love Actually" and "Casablanca."
Yet why did I not cry whenever I engaged in an emotional and intense discussion with a guy, and he disappointed me and let me down and gave me false hopes, even though I was pissed? Have I lost the ability to cry over a guy again, or was it because I know deep down that they were not worth crying and wasting my tears over?
But I guess a girl only cries over the guy she feels deepest for, is it not? If she did not feel as deeply over someone else, then she will not cry over that person. After all, if someone does not trigger off as much emotions, my tear ducts will not be triggered to water. Or perhaps I have been keeping to myself, being more reserved so as not to plunge in so much and get so deeply hurt again.
Yes, I have resolved never to cry over another guy, or to let another guy make me cry. But ironically, at times, I wish I will be able to find a man who will make me cry again. Because in doing that, that shows I am still capable of loving, deeply, wholeheartedly, unconditionally, without any reservations. And I want that more than anything, instead of becoming an unfeeling person.
In fact, I have never cried buckets since that broken engagement. That was when I really cried. I cried every night, every day, I could not sleep, could not eat, could not even function normally. Just as well I was on holiday, then I need not go to work looking like a wreck. I cried for another half a year, and lapsed into on-off depression for a few years after that. Since then, I have never cried as hard over anything else anymore.
Which makes me wonder have I become unfeeling? Or did I just not feel as deeply about other things and other people as compared to how I felt then? A few years ago, I was weaving a story, and while plotting out the skeleton, I was able to get into the emotional state of the main character, and I cried.
Yes, I cried while formulating my own story! I cried while watching romance movies, I cried while listening to sad songs, I cried while reading a touching article. I still cry after watching "Titanic", "Love Actually" and "Casablanca."
Yet why did I not cry whenever I engaged in an emotional and intense discussion with a guy, and he disappointed me and let me down and gave me false hopes, even though I was pissed? Have I lost the ability to cry over a guy again, or was it because I know deep down that they were not worth crying and wasting my tears over?
But I guess a girl only cries over the guy she feels deepest for, is it not? If she did not feel as deeply over someone else, then she will not cry over that person. After all, if someone does not trigger off as much emotions, my tear ducts will not be triggered to water. Or perhaps I have been keeping to myself, being more reserved so as not to plunge in so much and get so deeply hurt again.
Yes, I have resolved never to cry over another guy, or to let another guy make me cry. But ironically, at times, I wish I will be able to find a man who will make me cry again. Because in doing that, that shows I am still capable of loving, deeply, wholeheartedly, unconditionally, without any reservations. And I want that more than anything, instead of becoming an unfeeling person.
3 comments:
u know wat, i felt the same way too. Is it because after all the experiences, we learn how to manage it. I can still cry over some sad love story or happy ending but when it comes to actual person, I just can't. Isn't it ironic?!
Yes, it's ironic isn't it? Or perhaps because we don't feel that deeply to the person, which is why we won't be able to cry over him?
No man is worth the tears for a good man will let the gal cry tears of joy not tears of disappointment or heart-break.
It is true that in any relationship, there will be tears and laughter, there will be disagreements and compromises. After the issue which cause either one to tear was resolved, the tears reflect upon the effort that the individual put in to make the relationship work. Think about it. Cheerz.
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