A Desperado?

At times I wonder if I give others the impression that I am single, desperate and ugly. After all, I used to go online (I stopped all online dating services as I am fed up of all the dubious characters I have been meeting) to find dates, and go to dating agencies. But to me, these are just avenues to expand my social circle and make more friends, people I will otherwise not have a chance of meeting. Even though my experiences are not that successful so far (still hoping for success), still, I have made a couple of nice friends and got to interact with interesting people.

So single, yes, that is very obvious. Ugly? Hmmmm... physically, debatable. I know I am not the drop-dead gorgeous, nor the tall and elegant kind. Still I do take the trouble to dress up, so I think I do not look that bad most of the time. Character wise, well, I have a fiery temper especially for those who stepped on my wrong foot, I talk too much, I complain, I rave and rant, I can get really touchy, grouchy and grumpy, but still, I do not think I am that bad. As for desperate... well, perhaps I do show my "desperation" by griping about my lack of a suitable partner, but for anyone who yearn to settle down, that is a pretty justifiable thing to think of.

The thing is, if I am really "desperate", I will not be in this state of singlehood. It is not as if I have no suitors, but more like, I have no suitable suitors. Of course it is good to make more friends, know more people, and there are a couple of friends I have whom I think may likely be possible to progress on, but until the time is ripe, for now, I am just enjoying meeting up with my friends.

There have been guys who have been giving me a lot of attention, who have proposed (to be in a relationship, not marriage) more than once, but I do not give them the time of the day simply because I am not comfortable in their companies, and do not see myself actually being with them.

So it boils down to what I really want. Do I want to remain so "high and mighty" so to speak, or do I want to settle down? There have been people telling me, on one hand I claim I want to settle down, on the other hand I am so choosy. I have already maintained, much as I yearn to settle down, it cannot be just any mere person, but the right person at the right time.

Despite me meeting quite a few guys who are also "desperate" to settle down, but unlike them, I am not so "desperate" that I just grab anyone who wants to get married. Well, if I end up in a relationship or getting married with one of them, will my life be comfortable? Possibly. Will I be happy? I will have no complaints for sure. They are the family-oriented and caring types who will look after the family well.

But will I be truly happy? Now that is another matter altogether. Do I want to live the rest of my life, knowing I will be comfortable and that the guy will take care of me and being satisfied with that, or do I want to live the rest of my life being more than that? Being able to communicate on the same grounding, having the same values and outlook towards life, having fun and enjoyment together?

Marriage, to me, is not a mere matter of commitment and companionship, although these are the two most important aspects. If I accept someone now, he will want to get married very fast and I know he is the type who will be totally committed and giving to the family. He will take care of me so well that I do not even need to lift a finger in the house, do not even need to contribute much to household expenses.

So why not? Is that not what I have been looking for all along? Finding someone who can be a good husband? Yes, why not? The most fundamental aspect to a relationship is not there. I cannot communicate with him, he cannot relate to what I say, he has a more simplistic view towards life, whereas I tend to live a more "enriching" lifestyle. Unless I want the rest of my life to be like a silent movie, otherwise there is really no future for us.

And I cannot live my life like a silent movie. I need dialogue and discourse. I need to express my feelings, how I feel, my observations, things around me. I need to share what I know, what I have gone through, what I have experienced, what my day is like. I need someone who can understand what I say and relate to me, and not someone whom I feel so tired of talking to simply because he cannot relate to what I am saying. In short, I need someone who not only lends a listening ear and both shoulders to cry on, but able to give his appropriate two cents worth as well.

Most importantly, if I am to marry someone, he will be someone I really look up to, someone I truly admire, and whom I want my children to take after. Someone I can grow with and take care of, depend on, talk to, talk with, have fun with, for the rest of my life. So until I am convinced I have found someone like that, otherwise it is still status quo for now.