General Elections 2006

The nationwide elections are coming, and this is the first time I will be voting. I was already able to vote during the last elections, except the constituency I am under was uncontested the last time round, so the Minister won by a walk-over.

I am never really into local politics. To me, as long as I lead my own life and the government is doing a pretty okay job, I do not wish to be entangled in any political conflict and complications. However, this time round, I have to make a choice between voting for one of the most prominent members of the main party, or one of the most prominent members of the opposing party.

There are certain issues with the main government which I have, but then, there is not really any freedom of speech here so for now, I just have to be a good citizen and keep my mouth shut, while griping about things behind closed doors out of earshot of any prominent figures.

Despite certain things, one cannot say that the government has not done a good enough job. Comparatively to some other countries where the entire Cabinet and ministries are in a mess, I must say our local government is pretty good already.

There is almost no hunger or starvation, unemployment rate is almost zero, citizens do not feel oppressed (oppression is by parents, not the government), no racial discrimination, equal opportunities for all and everybody is leading a rather peaceful life.

Thus, in this respect, the country is well-managed at least. One need not fear gangfights or racial riots or oppression of women, and we can go about our daily lives knowing we are more or less safe and secure.

So anyway, I have already thought about who to vote for. At least I get to vote perhaps this once in my life. My brother is stuck overseas and he is not coming back, so he does not need to vote this time. But my choice of voting? That shall remain my own secret, and anyway, it is too dangerous to declare in cyberspace. ;-)

Minor Irritations At The Beginning Of The Day

It was one eventful Saturday morning. Luckily the rest of the day went by without a hitch. I was so afraid that it would be a bad day yesterday since the day started off on a bad slate, and everything could have just gone downhill from there.

I needed to go back to work due to some urgent matters. I was not feeling too happy about it, since it is a long weekend due to the May Day holiday, plus the fact that I have already worked late on Friday night. But what to do, things needed to be done.

However, I overslept and missed the company transport. When I woke up, I sort of had a feeling it might not be a good day considering I messed up first thing in the morning. I decided to wear a toga top and Lawman jeans, but when I tried on the jeans, I found that I could not fit into them anymore!

That pair of jeans is only two years old! I have to shop for a new pair of Lawman jeans soon. So I tried on a denim skirt, also two years old, and found that I could not fit into it as well! Gosh, have I really increased by that much!

Luckily I found another denim skirt which I bought from Topshop a few years back and managed to fit into it. I grabbed a denim jacket and ran out to hail a cab. The jacket also seemed a bit tight on me. Goodness, I will be in real trouble if my clothes are all getting too tight and I go up another size each time I shop!

When I got the cab, the driver had no idea where my workplace is, so I had to direct him there. When we reached my office, I realised I was a little short on cash, thus had to pay by card. He told me that his card machine was spoilt, when I clearly saw that it was working properly!

I gave him my card and asked him to give it a try. I saw him giving a half-hearted attempt at swiping my card, without even activating the machine. Then he claimed that it was indeed spoilt, and asked if there was an ATM nearby.

I told him that we are on the other end of the island, a full industrial area where only factories exist, and miles away from civilisation, so there would not be an ATM anywhere nearby.

He then asked if I could call and asked my colleague to come down and pay for me, to which I told him that it is a Saturday before the long weekend, nobody in the right mind (except for unlucky souls like me) would come to work.

Finally, I asked if I could try his card machine to see if it was indeed spoilt. He then said that the company policy was not to allow anyone else to touch the machine. Who said so?! There have been other drivers who allowed me to fiddle around with the machine and operate it myself before!

He then gave the excuse that the machine was stuck to the slot. That is so not true! There have been other drivers who tool out the machine from the slot before, for ease of swiping the card.

So I told him I could go in front, and went to the front seat, fiddled around with the machine and managed to get my card swiped and paid for the ride. After that, the driver just kept his mouth shut and printed out the receipt for me.

When I reached my office, I realised that my makeup was smudged, probably due to being in a hurry earlier on. And since I needed to use the restroom anyway, I brought my makeup kit in to touch up.

The cleaner was cleaning the restroom. There is no rule saying that we cannot use the restroom when the cleaners are in there. Besides, I had no idea she was in there until I went in. So I used the restroom and then stayed at the mirror to touch up my makeup.

The cleaning lady then scolded me, saying that I was holding her up as she needed to clean the basin. In the first place, I did not know she had not cleaned the basin; and in the second place, she could have just told me to wait first if she needed to clean.

She started screaming at me, saying that why could I not have waited till she was done before going in? How would I know when she would be done, or that she happened to need to clean the restroom at that point in time?

When I went out, I heard her complaining to the other office cleaner on how I held her up from her work due to my vanity. She accused me of being inconsiderate and stuck-up. I am not the only one who uses the restroom to touch up, all girls do that! It just so happens that I needed to go in there when she was in there!

Besides, she is just a cleaner. Okay, I know now I sound really arrogant, but what right has she, or anyone for that matter, to throw me out of the restroom? She can always tell me politely, instead of screaming at me. Does she know I am actually in a position to get her fired if I want to?

But anyway, these are just minor matters, a passing irritation. Thank goodness the rest of the day went by smoothly, with no further incidents, especially since I spent another wonderful day with my one and only!

On a side note, I finally got confirmed during Mass today. So now I am considered confirmed in my faith, and nothing can ever waiver what I believe in anymore!

Feelings Of Jealousy ....

I have been feeling extra lethargic lately. No idea why, especially since I have been sleeping earlier for the past few days. I could hardly wake up on time to catch the company transport in the morning, and throughout the day, I shuffled about like a zombie. If I had not been actively occupied with work, I would have fallen asleep right at my desk!

A few days ago, there was an onslaught of feelings rushing over me. Feelings of jealousy? Possessiveness? It started when he was telling me about a friend. I did not kick up a big fuss or whatsoever, but I was not feeling that happy for a while.

It was just a one-off thing anyway, and the next morning, I went back to normal. But it got me thinking, if I really trust him, shall I even get jealous? Afterall, love is not being possessive or selfish.

I pride myself as one of those girls that will not get jealous so easily. Where I see my girl friends tracking their guys down every hour, demanding to know where he is or what he is doing or who he is with, I do not do that, at least not every hour. I do that only when I miss him and wonder what he is doing when I am not around.

So why did I suddenly have the surge of jealousy? That seems so unlike me. I have no right to be jealous actually, because that only shows I do not trust him. How can I then claim I love him if the trust is not even there?

But then I have been told that jealousy and possessiveness is normal if you love someone, because you will not wish to lose the person to someone else. If you do not even get jealous, then that is abnormal because perhaps you do not love the person enough to care or cherish.

Is that really true? Or is jealousy and possessiveness just a sign of not trusting the person enough?

(Not) A Fashion Guru ....

I am quite proud of myself sometimes. I always thought I am pretty well-dressed and have good taste where fashion and style is concerned, but lately, I realise that the clothes I bought come out in stores after I bought them.

I cannot profess that I am a fashion guru or what not, but I do admit I have an eye for pretty things. Probably inherited from my mum, as she has even better taste than me. In fact, she still buys clothes for me, and the nicest things in my wardrobe are the ones she bought!

For instance, a few years back, I came across this pashmina shawl while surfing a website. In those days, pashminas were unheard of in Singapore. They only became in fashion around the end of 2002 or so. Anyway, I asked my second ex if he could bring back a pashmina for me when he went abroad, so he brought back a cashmere pashmina from Kashmir.

I was still teaching then, so there was no way I could wear the pashmina to work. But I wore it while in the cinemas and at dinners. In the days when girls still relied on cardigans and denim jackets, I could say I was one of the first ones to start using a pashmina.

Two years ago, I happened to buy a fur-lined camel-coloured jacket from Mango, and a few weeks later, I was watching "FRIENDS" and saw Monica wearing exactly the same jacket! I was stunned that whatever I bought was used on Hollywood artistes (well, of course it is not the same one, but it looks exactly the same)!

Early last year, I came across a website selling authentic fashions from the olden days, especially the fifties preppy era, sixties retro era and seventies hippy era. I saw this knitted crotchet shawl which I thought would be able to match one of my skirts and bought it. Recently, I see most boutiques here selling shawls like that - knitted crotchet wrap, in about the same type and design as the shawl I bought.

Last year, I bought a classy white trench coat, which I thought I could bring it travelling with me. But the trench coat is not that thick anyway, so it can be used more as a long jacket than a winter coat.

I was still wondering how to go about wearing it, when the other day, I went by not one, but two, shops selling a white trench coat, and used as a long jacket! One mannequin on display wore the trench coat over a knit top and pants; the other one wore it over a T-shirt and denim skirt.

This month, I have over-exceeded my shopping budget on shirtdresses. Shirtdresses are very in now, but I bought them around earlier in the month when only a few stores had it. I bought some from Zara, Miss Selfridge and another one from Esprit.

The following week, all the stores are selling shirtdresses and some girls in my company are wearing them. I do not have the habit of wearing clothes immediately after I bought them, unless I really like it, so normally, I will wait for the right moment to wear them. Thus, in a way, it is a big disadvantage because I will tend to store clothes, and before I started wearing, I will have bought new ones already.

Anyway, as I see all these, I cannot help but feel a sense of surprise and pride. To think that I can be a step ahead of the fashion world! But of course, the best fashion comes from Paris and Milan, as it was from there that the rest of the world determines what is in or out this particular season.

But I do not deliberately keep up with fashion. I just buy whatever I find is nice, suits my budget, body and taste, and suitable to wear for various occasions. It is probably just a coincidence that some things I buy end up being the season's greatest seller.

Hmmm... in that case, perhaps I can use my existing clothes and set up a boutique of my own?

Nostalgia ....

A wave of nostalgia has been sweeping over me lately. I do not know if it is due to the fact that I am with an older guy, who has lived a full decade before me, or whether I am reflecting on the modernisation of society which unfortunately, stops giving favours to things of old.

But whatever it was, I found myself wandering around Chinatown one night, thinking of all the old toys and games and candies which I used to have when I was young, but now they are no longer available. Or rather, no longer available at most stores. One may still be able to find them at stores which have been left over from the early days though, and even those are a rarity now.

I was reminiscing about the things of old - how I miss the White Rabbit brand of milk candy that I love so much, but now can hardly see any of it anymore; how I grew up watching "Smurfs" and "Sesame Street"; how some friends spent part of their childhood in a kampung (small village that comprised of zinc-roofed or attap huts which were quite a sight about half a century ago), which soon gave way to high-rise flats and factories.

I guess my parents have more to remember since they have actually seen how the sixties and seventies era were like, whereas by the time I was born, there were no more kampungs left except for areas which were sparsely populated and still developing.

I wonder how the early flats were like. The first housing estate was built as early as the late 1950s. I never had a chance to live in a real housing estate as I have never lived in a flat before, so the oldest flats I have seen were those that were built in the seventies, and even then, they have been renovated so the old flavour was no longer there.

My parents used to live in shophouses where one shophouse consisted of a few families living under one roof together. My dad's family and relatives lived together, and my mum's entire family lived together. Often when there were no room and space, my dad had to sleep in the corridor, and my mum had to sleep on the floor.

But it was good as there was unity, and my parents still keep in touch with all the other relatives who are now scattered all over the island and some overseas even. Whereas I do not even know if I can even stay in touch with my cousins once all of us are married with our own families and the older generation has passed on.

Anyway I was roaming around Chinatown as I thought that would be the place to get the White Rabbit candy. And I was right! I went up and down Chinatown, before I finally found it in a provision shop tucked behind some other shops. Chinatown has also lost its flavour somehow after the massive renovation due to the construction of the train station.

I finally found the candy! There were only a few packets left so I just grabbed all. The shopkeeper actually smiled at me and told me that not many people buy this candy anymore. I said it is still my favourite candy (besides chocolate of course).

I went home, found some empty cans that used to hold New Year goodies left behind from Chinese New Year, and started arranging the candy inside. I am going to give my colleagues at work tomorrow. I really hope they will like it!

Now what I want to know is where can I still find the triangular shaped cloth-bound things which we used to play "five stones" with? Or marbles? Especially multi-coloured marbles that were so priceless in the past?

Or sago seeds? I used to collect sago seeds as there was a tree outside my grandmother's house (before her house was renovated) and whenever the wind blew, red sago seeds would come flying in and scattering all around.

My cousins and I used to have a competition on who could find the most number of sago seeds so we would go prowling around the grounds of my grandma's house looking for the sago seeds. She never minded as it would save her all the sweeping and cleaning up.

Sago seeds are called "love seeds" when translated from Chinese. Apparently, the more seeds you collect, the more likely your Prince Charming will come, or so I was told. I remember picking up all the sago seeds, putting them into a bottle, and seeing the bottle filling up, and dreaming of my own true love to come.

When we moved house about more than twelve years back, that bottle was the first to be thrown away by my mum, together with my entire seashell collection. I collected the shells from those beach resorts we went to in Malacca, Penang, Sydney and Batam.

I thought I could collect enough shells and make them into jewellery or something in the future, but my mum threw away most of my collection, especially the bulkier items. I was only allowed to keep my stamp collection, sticker collection, badges collection, coin collection, soft toys and books and clothes of course.

Now I regret letting my mum throw away my sago seeds and seashells. The sago seeds can now be a valuable item, not that I would ever want to sell away because it contained a lot of memories. The seashells can be made into jewellery as the shell necklaces and bangles are so in right now, and I can easily set up a push cart or something and market them.

But modern society brings changes, some good and some bad. I have not much complaints about my life now. Although if I am to make a choice, I will hope to live life of the past, where everything is simpler, and people are more innocent and carefree, instead of the high stress and nastiness one sees nowadays.

What Will You Do If Your Loved One Dies?

Does love ends when a person dies? What do you do if your loved one dies? Do you hold on, keep the memories alive and never get over him / her, or do you let go and move on with your life? Will you feel devastated and lost for the rest of your life, or will you be happy and get on with life?

If you really love someone, his / her death will be a big blow to you. The pain of losing a loved one, knowing all the dreams of the future and things to come will never be fulfilled. How does one continue living? Perhaps they only survive and not really live.

How does Juliet feel when Romeo died in front of her? So devastated that she killed herself. How does Ophelia feel when Hamlet was slain? How does Cleopatra feel when Antony was killed? And how does Rose feel when Jack drowned?

Years ago, I feared my then-boyfriend would die in a plane crash during one of his flights. I remember feeling I would never be able to get on with my life if that really happened. Then when I was in such a messed-up state when he dumped me, I remember hoping he would really just die in a plane crash and release me from my misery. Pretty mean and evil of me, I know, and I am not proud that I even thought of that.

Perhaps I am just a sucker for sappy love stories, but in the books I have read and movies I have seen, when two lovers are to be separated due to death in whatever circumstances, the one who is dying will always tell the partner to go on with life.

Jack told Rose to live on, get married, have kids, grow old and die a happy old woman, and made her promise never to let go of this promise. She promised him not to let go, and watched him sink into the ocean before she got herself rescued. She continued living life to the fullest, getting her dreams fulfilled, got married, have kids and did die a happy old woman.

In "Winter Sonata", JS had to go for an operation which might cost him his life, and told his brother XH to take care of his love YJ. He told YJ to forget about him and go on with her life, continue to fulfil her dreams, which she did.

In the Japanese movie "Crying Out Love At The Centre Of The World", Aki's last message to Saku was to scatter her ashes in the Australian desert, then go on with his life, get a good job and settle down.

So if our loved one dies, perhaps we should just move on and be happy. It will probably be what the late love wanted of us. Will he / she rest in peace if we never let go of the past and blow our chances at happiness again?

Of course, ideally, girls will want guys to be like Heathcliff in "Wuthering Heights", where he remained faithful to his true love Catherine even after she died. But he became a ghost of a man, just continue living day after day without really living.

If I am dying, I will want my loved one to go on with his life. It will be sweet to hold on to me, to my memory, but I would not wish him to waste his life away just like that. I would want him to find a new love and have another chance at happiness, the love and happiness which I would never ever be able to provide.

But what would I do if my loved one dies? Honestly, I do not know. I believe it is possible to love a person for eternity. Perhaps I may just love him, and keep his memory alive for life, or perhaps I may settle down with someone else if I can ever find one who can trigger off strong feelings in me again. Or perhaps I may even do a Juliet and be buried together with him.

Skeletons In The Closet

I believe everyone has some unspoken secrets which are too private to even tell anyone. These are called skeletons in the closet. The closet part I can understand, since it is something closed up, but why skeletons? Is it because whatever the secrets are are too horrifying to say out?

Some people's skeletons can simply be some mistake they made which they regretted, some can be from something they did in the past, some can be something they are concurrently hiding from others.

Whatever it is, everyone is liable to his / her own secrets. I believe my parents do not know everything about me, since I do not tell them a lot of things, and a few things are so private that I do not tell anyone.

Everyone is entitled to their own privacy. No matter how close you are to someone else, how much can you bare and how transparent can you be? There will be certain things which you do not feel comfortable confiding even to your loved one in.

Granted, there should not be any secrets between a couple, but there are certain things which you somehow cannot bring yourself to tell your partner. For instance, how can a girl tell her current boyfriend that she had gotten pregnant and had an abortion before? Or that she had been raped? Or that she had abetted a crime and had a jail record?

Similarly, how can a guy tell his current girlfriend that he had been in jail before? Or that he had gotten a girl pregnant and made her abort the baby? Or he had been gay for a period of time? Or even, he had a sex change?

These are just examples. Of course, there are many more things people have done which they are not able to bring themselves to tell their partners. It is understandable because everyone wants his / her partner to have the image and impression of him / her being a pure and perfect person with good conduct and record.

In order for happiness, perhaps certain things are better left unsaid. But on the other hand, if you are with someone, the partner deserves to know the truth about everything that had happened to you or everything you have done.

Afterall, it is better to tell the truth. It is only fair to the person you are with. Besides, if your partner finds out, things may be worse.

I guess people are afraid to tell the truth sometimes because they are afraid of losing the other person. But if he / she really loves you, then he / she will not mind whatever you have done before.

You may have been in jail before, but so what? As long as you are a reformed person and living a good life now, that does not make you any less deserving for love. If the love is true, then the couple would not even let this issue get into their relationship.

You may have had an abortion before, or made someone pregnant then shirked the responsiblity, or you may have been married, divorced with kids and still paying off child support, but so what? These are all things that have happened in the past. If the person truly loves you, he / she will not mind all these.

The bottomline is that love should not have any barriers. Love is giving your whole heart to the person, devoted to making him / her happy. Love is accepting him / her as a whole, the past, present and future.

Will I accept someone who has made major mistakes before? As long as I truly love him, yes. Everyone makes mistakes, nobody is perfect. The thing is not to dwell on the imperfections or mistakes he had made, but to focus on the current state of affairs and see if he loves you and treats you well.

Guys And Dress Code

What is it about guys and dress codes? Or, to be precise, dress codes for girlfriends? Some time back, I remember posting an article about how most guys will dictate their girlfriends on how they can dress and how they cannot dress.

I tried on a mini-skirt today. I have not worn this skirt for quite some time, and I conveniently forgot (or rather, did not wish to remember) the fact that I am probably a little bigger than before, so the skirt did look a bit shorter than when I wore it in the past.

The moment I saw him, he was commenting on the length (or lack of) of my skirt. I could tell he was really uncomfortable. The moment we alighted from the train, he brought me to buy a new skirt, one that reaches to the knees at least.

He asked if I was angry when he commented on my skirt. I told him no, and I am really not angry. Why should I be angry? I admit the skirt is a bit short, and I know he means well. Besides, I got a new skirt in exchange, so everything turns out well.

Anyway, he has never commented on the way I dress until today, so if he commented on how I dress, then I must have looked really bad. Which is why I appreciate his feedback.

Actually, before I got out of the house, my brother told me not to wear that skirt out as he says my guy will not like it. He says guys like to see mini skirts on other girls, but not on their own girlfriends.

Strangely, my guy said the same thing. Mini-skirts are in, so goodness knows how many girls we have seen today wearing mini-skirts. The shorter the better. He says it does not matter to him if it is another girl, but he does not feel comfortable if it is me. Every guy will want to protect his own "property".

But then, we girls dress fashionably or sexily for our guys. For their eyes only. He said that others also can see, so good things must keep to oneself and not share with others. Oh well .....

But at least he does not mind so much what I wear already. I can go out more exposed with more revealing clothes than before. The other guys I had been with never allowed me to dress any way I liked.

I just find it so unfair. Why is it guys drool at other girls wearing something sexy, yet somehow not comfortable if their girlfriends are wearing the same thing? I thought guys will be happier if the girls dress well for them.

Do guys prefer the girlfriend to always dress so plainly or simply, yet gawk at other girls who wear so sexily? Not that my guy does that, but I just find it amusing that every guy, even my brothers, say that other girls the shorter or lesser, the better, but when it comes to their own girls, the longer or the more, the better. Why is that so?

Pre-Exam Stress!

My examination is coming in less than a month. My notes are still in the process of being revised. I have bought coloured pens to replenish the ones I had. Due to a long period of non-usage, my coloured pens have all dried up, hence the need to replace.

This examination is important, because it determines if I go on to the next semester, get exemptions or re-take the module, as well as contributing to the total overall final grade. In other words, whether I get a mere pass degree, lower honours or upper honours all spring from this first paper.

If I so much as do badly, even for one paper, I can kiss the upper Honours goodbye. :-( And what is the use of putting in my money, time and effort studying again if all I get is another mere pass degree with not much prospects?

The topics will be on Art Appreciation, Art History, Philosophy, Sonnets, Classical Studies like the Roman era and the Architecture of the Coliseum, History like the French Revolution and Sociology on what led to the Revolution.

The good news is that if I do very well in this paper, I can be exempted from the second part of the module, and go on to the next stage. If not, I can take the second part of the module in the July semester. Otherwise, I have to retake the first part all over again, and I do not think I can afford to do that since I plan to finish the entire course within a certain time frame.

Come to think of it, I really must thank my parents and teachers in the past for training me on how to manage and utilise my time well. Although I still wonder how some people can skip classes and read the notes a couple of times but still do so much better than me?

Some people think what I am doing is a breeze, as it is just lots of reading. Yet, these same people are those who hate to read, but think they know so much. Academic reading is so not the same as normal fiction reading! Even for a relatively fast reader like me, I find it such a struggle already.

Maybe it is my own fault for choosing such a course. It is probably more of a breeze if I chose the Bachelor of Science in Mathematics degree instead, and spend the time proving L.H.S. = R.H.S. (QED). But if I had taken this type of course, I will never be able to pass because my L.H.S. will never be equal to the R.H.S.

Just like the Accounts lectures I used to sit in back in school. I thought it was fun to do Accounts, then gave up totally when I realise my Balance Sheet could never balance, and my Profit And Loss Statement was always making a loss.

Okay, time to hit the books again. If anyone has a good method on how to spend less time studying yet can score better, please let me know! I am in desperate need of information like this!

Harsher Punishment For Rape?

Lately there have been a number of rape cases around. Very sad indeed, and I really feel for the victims. Those poor girls have to bear with the trauma all their lives. Worse is if they get pregnant after the rape.

Then moral issues will be involved. To keep the baby, since the baby is innocent, but then seeing the child will forever remind her of her ordeal, or to get rid of the baby but bear with the guilt of killing an innocent life, and her own child at that? I wonder which is worse.

The saddest case is that of a father raping his teenage daughters. Apparently, one of them got pregnant as a result. In the first place, will the child be considered her sibling or her child? And if she keeps the child, besides the fact that he / she may not be physically or mentally normal, will she be able to live with the fact that her own father fathered the child?

I will say, let the father hang for doing such a dastardly deed. Sadly, there is no death penalty for rapists. Death penalty is only for drug traffickers in possession of more than a certain amount of drugs, and murderers who committed first-degree premeditated murder beyond any reasonable doubt.

The harshest punishment for rape is an imprisonment of twenty years and caning, as indicated in Section 375 of the Penal Code. I find that a little too lenient, where rapists are concerned actually.

If the winds of fate have blown the other way, I might have become a Deputy Public Prosecutor, and I would have proposed a harsher punishment for rapists. These people are just so heartless, selfish and self-centred! Imagine just a few moments of uncontrolled pleasure can run someone's life just like that.

Besides the trauma of being raped and getting pregnant with an unwanted child, what if the girl contracted some sexually-transmitted diseases or AIDS due to this? Then her whole life is indeed runied.

She can never lead a normal healthy life, be in a relationship or get married. And not being able to have someone by your side to love is one of the most lonesome and depressing things to happen.

What would have been the punishment I would have suggested? Castration. You may think I am mean, heartless, cruel or what not, but in the first place, would those rapists have considered how mean or heartless or cruel they were before they did what they did?

Granted every man has needs, every man is lustful, and some much more than others. But then if all the guy want is sex, there are so many other ways to have himself satisfied. There are professional sex workers, there are girlfriends (provided she is willing), there are wives (that is the wife's duty after all), there are even girls one can pick up in a bar and have flings with.

Although I also do not approve of flings and one night stands or visiting prostitutes, these are still much better than raping someone. Why must they hurt some innocent stranger for just a few moments of hormonal release?

I feel we have to get them where they hurt, otherwise who is to know if they will go back to their old ways the moment they are released from jail? As long as their members are still active, there is no guarantee they will not do the same thing again. Afterall, it is hard for leopards to change their spots.

Anger Management

My favourite Indonesian eating place, Ayam Penyet a.k.a. The Depressed Chicken (or Smashed Chicken), just opened a branch near my area. Now I have more options for eating out. Goody! Wonder if my friend was drooling when I told him that? ;-p

Anyway, I was going out for dinner with my parents when we passed by the place, so I was surprised and happy that there is a branch near my place. We went to a Chinese restaurant as my dad misses his fish head dish.

There is this Chinese scroll hanging on the wall of the restaurant. I find it really meaningful, as it is on anger management and control. It is all in Chinese, so the one that is reproduced here is a translated version, but I try as much as possible to retain the original meaning.

Be Not Angry

Life is a movie
Through destiny,
People will meet.

It is hard
to be together
until the hairs are grey

So why not cherish each other?

Flaring at the littlest things,
Looking back,
You realise, "What is this?"

Be calm and serene
When others are angry
Because who will attend to me

If I get sick
from being angry?

Anger hurts your mind
and energy,

Compare not with others
They have their own lives
to lead.

Joy And Suffering
Will come together
But nothing matters
If you have a good partner.

Probably the worst translation and poem in the world! Obviously the original scroll is more beautifully written. But the message is clear - keep your wrath down and take things easy! I must remember that too.

Do Guys Get Better With Age?

My mum went for an ambigram yesterday to check her recurring chest pains. Apparently, she got wounded and had to be hospitalised for a day. I rushed home earlier last night just to keep her company only to find she was not home.

Nobody told me the news only after my dad came back, and that was almost ten, too late to even call her at the hospital, let alone rush down to see her. Is it any wonder she thinks I am so unfilial? But luckily she came back today, and looks really good, which is a relief to me.

In light of recent events, sometimes I wonder if older guys are really more mature and more sensible? Okay, I sound rather unfair if I say this, some older guys are more mature and responsible and really knows how to take good care of others well.

But I have seen guys becoming worse the older they get. I base my observations on my second and third ex, since I have been with them longer periods of time so I have a first-hand observation of their changes.

Incidentally, my guy friends do become better with age, but why is it the guys I had been with in the past somehow get more childish with age? It is just not fair! Luckily I now have someone to be with, who is not like those immature guys I used to be with.

For my last two relationships, ironically, the very things that attracted me to them were also the ones that in the end drove us apart. For my second ex, I admired his chivalry, his gentlemanliness, his being ultra-romantic, but unfortunately, these are the very qualities that attracted other girls to him.

And with all the flight stewardesses fighting for his attention, is it any wonder he left? I became nothing to him, since he had the bevy of gorgeous girls at his disposal. And, according to my best friend, he is still such a Ladies' man. No wonder his girlfriend is so protective over him, and for that, I do not blame her.

My third ex was the problematic one. Where I used to like his sense of humour, I realised he made corny jokes over everything, even things which were serious to me, like he could not be sensitive to my feelings.

Where I used to admire his piety to his parents, I realise he is too much of a mummy's boy that he could not do anything on his own or stand on his own two feet without going through his parents.

I used to find him endearing, but I realise how irritating he could be when I was on the phone and he could just make funny noises and interrupt my conversation, and my friend on the other end got so irritated.

Plus, he could just grab the remote control and change the channel in the midst of me watching a television programme, without even bothering to ask if I was still watching the show.

All these occurred after we were together for quite some time. Okay, perhaps love is blind, but he was honestly not like this even when we were in a relationship. It was only after a year or so that he started behaving like how my youngest brother would behave.

I may be generalising, but now I realise that an immature guy will only make empty promises, but not get anything done. So many things I have been promised, but the guys just conveniently forgot.

A mature guy, on the other hand, will be fully accountable and responsible. He need not promise you anything, but will just do it. Like when I said I was hungry at work, he specially came up and sneaked some titbits and two satchets of Cadbury Hot Chocolate for me.

When I wanted to suck on a sweet after lunch, he gave me not just one, but an entire box. When I mentioned I needed a charger to bring to the office so I could charge my mobile in case it ran out of battery, he immediately brought an extra charger for me the next day.

He did all these without saying, and without me asking him. I only had to mention it and it would be done. Which is why I am always so speechless with gratitude and touched by all he has done, because comparatively, in the past, I had been promised this and that but those were never done.

Perhaps only a guy who knows what a girl wants and needs and fulfils them, can be considered someone who can truly take responsibility for her. If the guy only makes fancy promises but never get anything done, how can he even be responsible for anyone else since he cannot even be responsible enough to keep his word?

Right Or Wrong?

Nowadays I seem to be reflecting on a lot of things. I do not even know what is right or wrong anymore. I always pride myself in having my own principles in life, but now I wonder have I lived wrongly? Are my views wrong?

I used to be very against extra-marital affairs. Ok, I am still against it. I feel that if a guy or girl is married or attached, he / she is taken, so there should not be anymore pursuers. But then, some people can go all out to get the person he / she likes, whether the person is married or attached or not. So often, it is up to us whether to fall into temptation.

For me, once I am attached, other guys do not stand a chance anymore. My entire eyes and heart is only for my guy. But often in the past, it was the guy(s) who tended to stray. Thus, I emphasise a lot on fidelity and loyalty because I do the same thing.

However, sometimes, the situation may not be what it seems. If our needs are not fulfilled, will we be happy if we stay on in the relationship? Would anyone want a partner who is never there for him / her, who is always abusive, who has no time at all?

No doubt having an affair is wrong, especially if you have a healthy happy relationship and yet still want to fool around, but what if you are unhappy in the first place? For couples who are attached, it is easier for them as they can just break up.

The complication arise if it is a married couple. Every married person will tell you how hard it is to sustain a marriage. Heck, it is already so hard sustaining a relationship, let alone a marriage. At times, it is inevitable that cracks appear in the marriage after a while.

How many cases are there of separation and divorce? Simply because the love is no longer there. Why is the love no longer there? Because the couple in question is not willing to work things out, grow together and keep the love alive.

However, many couples choose to live apart under one roof. They will still stay together, take care of their children, but lead totally separate lives. They sleep in separate rooms, do not communicate, like strangers living under one roof.

When this happens, one party or both will start to look for someone else. I will not comment on whether this is right or wrong, since people may choose not to officially divorce because of the kids, but I guess in a situation like this, it may be more forgiveable if the guy or girl or both start having other loves of their own.

Of course, it is wrong for someone to deliberately break up a happy marriage, although some people say that if you really love someone, you will go all out to get who you want, whether the person is attached or married.

But if the marriage is good and you happen to be the third party, that is the most complicated situation to ever be in. Afterall, you will cause the misery of not just the one you love, but his / her entire family as well.

If you really love a person, will you really want him / her to be in such a miserable state? If the marriage is already on the rocks, or if the couple is already separated or undergoing divorce proceedings, then that is a different story altogether.

Besides this issue, I have also been thinking if it is really wrong to have a baby out of wedlock? Not counting those who got raped or indulged in pre-marital sex only to get dumped and then realised they were pregnant but decided to have the baby anyway, what about those couples in a relationship, but still have no intention of getting married?

Afterall, in a lot of countries, couples cohabit, form domestic partnerships, have a few kids, raise the kids together yet never marry. I guess in our local society, this is still a no-no. The child will be considered illegitimate, and not entitled to the father's surname or the normal priviledges as a citizen as long as the parents are not married.

But is it wrong to have a baby, be it whether a couple is married? What about women who do not intend to get a husband, but still wish to have a kid anyway? Does it mean a single woman can never be a mother?

What if one day my maternal instincts just kick off and I decide to have a baby, no matter what my status is? Personally, whether people want to have kids is their own business (although I always think it is so much more joyful to have kids), so even if I want to be a mother without being a wife, does it really matter?

Of course I know the implications if I really do get pregnant. My parents will disown me, my entire family will shun me, I will have no one to turn to, I will probably lose my job since there will be no maternity or childcare leave priviledges for single unmarried mothers and I will then have no financial ability to have the child.

Besides, taking care and raising a kid is no small matter. There have been women who suffer depressions after childbirth, even with their husbands' and family's support. And eveyone chips in to take care of the kid. Is that a wonder why kids nowadays are so spoilt, since they have at least four adults to fuss over them since the day they were born?

But even married couples with help and support find it a struggle to take care of a kid, I can imagine just how much more terrible it will be for a single mother, who probably loses her whole family just to have the child. She will really have no one to turn to and will be all on her own.

It is not just a matter of getting pregnant and going through with the birth process, because the real test is after the birth. Thus, a pregnancy and childbirth really do last a lifetime, because a parent's work will never be complete.

Honestly, I have entertained the idea of getting myself pregnant. Even if I do not get married, I will like a kid of my own. But right now, I do not think I have the courage to face the ordeal of being a single unmarried mother, not to mention the wrath my parents will incur.

But is it wrong if I want to have a child of my own, even if I am unmarried?

Another Dedication ....

1. This sonnet epitomises what love is, which I agree too.

William Shakespeare, Sonnet No. 116

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove.
O no, it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wand'ring bark,
Whose worth's unknown although his height is taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come;
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me prov'd,
I never writ, no man ever lov'd.

2. This second sonnet, from another one of my favourite poets, is on how you must love a person in his / her whole, not just because of the physical features.

Elizabeth Barrett Browning, Sonnet XIV

If thou must love me, let it be for nought
Except for love's sake only. Do not say
'I love her for her smile - her look - her way
Of speaking gently, - for a trick of thought
That falls in well with mine, and certes brought
A sense of pleasant ease on such a day' -
For these things in themselves, Beloved, may
Be changed, or change for thee, - and love, so wrought,
May be unwrought so. Neither love me for
Thine own dear pity's wiping my cheeks dry, -
A creature might forget to weep, who bore
Thy comfort long, and lose thy love thereby!
But love me for love's sake, that evermore
Thou mayst love on, through love's eternity.

Irritated And Moody (Again) ....

I have been feeling rather disturbed lately. If my friend did not sort of lend me a listening ear at midnight, I would have been even more down in the dumps. Really grateful to him, and really feel so bad for keeping him up.

It started off last week with a sudden dream which, in my opinion, was totally unnecessary, and I remember waking up to rather strong emotions after that. No doubt I cannot control my dreams, but this is one dream I hope never to dream again, and one that I do not ever want it to come true.

The emotions that followed triggered off certain thoughts. I start questioning myself on how exactly I am as a person? Why is it that I am in such a happy and loving relationship, with a guy that other girls can only dream of, yet I still feel suspicious and insecure?

Am I too greedy, that I want more? What more can I want now that I have gotten everything I want and more? Or perhaps it is just human (in this case, a woman's) nature to be petty, suspicious and insecure. Which means I must change that, I must try to deal with people better, improve on my people relations.

Anyway the dream was but a one-off thing. Some people say dreams are opposites of reality, and in this case, I hope it really is the opposite of reality. Other things that have gotten me disturbed are mainly because lately (not really lately actually) there have been an increase of people that got me irritated one way or another.

It started with my youngest brother. It is not the first time he has been irritating the hell out of me, but on Sunday, he was particularly picky. All because my parents made him attend my baptism on Saturday, and he wanted "revenge" by picking on everything I did on Sunday.

He kept saying things like, "You are a Christian, you are not supposed to do this." For someone so against attending church and the teachings of the Bible, what makes him think he is an expert on how a Christian should behave? I have never come across another guy (except my first ex) who is so petty, self-centred and think the whole world of himself!

So now that I am a full Christian, does it mean I cannot jibe and be laid back at home and with my family members? Does it mean I cannot close my room door and not adopt a "warm and inviting" policy? Does it mean I cannot have my own privacy since I am supposed to "love everyone"?

As if that is not enough, my ex gave me trouble again. I think sometimes I court my own trouble. I could just ignore the phone call and save myself all the agony, yet I chose to answer the call and ended up screaming and slamming down the phone.

He called to congratulate me for finally getting baptised. And he said which means I have to go live in a convent soon. Excuse me? I am only getting baptised, I am not getting ordained as a nun or sister!

He then asked if the reason I agreed to make love with my guy is it because he is a very generous lover? Oh my gosh, is he still on this issue? He said if I wanted to be paid for sex, I could have told him in the first place. WHO OR WHAT DOES HE TAKE ME FOR?!

He then asked aboout my family members, to which I updated him a little. Yet he interrupted me at every sentence, added his own corny jokes and laughed at everything. Finally I asked him if everything is a joke to him, because if it is, then I certainly do not deem them as jokes or find whatever I said funny.

He then asked why I was so mean that I could not even let him joke around or laugh? I WAS MEAN?! For not letting him make corny jokes about my family members?

I am talking about how my mum is going for a mammogram this week as she is experiencing chest pains, and how my first brother has decided to take up permanent residence in China and not coming back, and my ex was the one making jokes out of everything. Who was the mean one here?!

Someone from my past suddenly appeared in my life again. I thought he was gone for good, after having lost contact since last year. I met him online and he started talking to me, but I was busy watching a VCD thus did not bother replying. Anyway I have no good impression of this guy.

He indicated he was pursuing me last year. I did not indicate my interest, neither did I indicate disinterest, but when he asked me out, I agreed since I was free. The thing was, he kept asking me to pay for him.

The first time we went out for high tea, at the end of the meal he said he was broke, and asked if I could pay. The second time we went out for lunch, he did the same thing. The third time we went clubbing, I paid for the entrance fee and he ordered the most expensive martinis and bourbons and asked me to settle the bill.

I got a little drunk that day, and he told me if I wanted to go off, I could just walk to the taxi stand and take a cab back. He did not even have the grace to walk me to the taxi stand! When I asked how he went home that night, he told me he called his friend to pick him up and gave him a free lift back.

Another time, he said he wanted to come to my place to play pool, and I told him he was welcome. But he said he would be taking a cab down from his place, and once he arrived, could I come out and pay the cab fare for him? So I cooked up the excuse that my family would be out soon and asked him not to come over.

After that, I told him not to ask me out anymore. I never told him the reason why, and he never returned me any money he owed me as well. If I was the one who asked him out and offered to treat him, then that was a different story, but I could not take it if the guy was the one who offered to date me, bring me to expensive places, but in the end expect me to settle all the bills all the time.

As I have mentioned before, I do not think it is right for the guy to ask or expect the girl to pay, especially if he was the one who asked her out, unless the girl volunteered and did not mind footing the bill. But in this case, he expected me to pay all the time, without even asking me in advance. And I did not ask to eat at such expensive places, he was the one who suggested.

But what I really like to know now is how to handle my manager. She is so picky on everything! No doubt at times I deserve a reprimand as I had been careless and overlooked certain things, but she controlled me (mostly) in everything, from what I wear to what I eat, to how I use the photocopier, to not working overtime consecutively, and whether I bring work home to do.

Does it mean if I do not bring work home to do I am not committed enough to my job? Does it mean if I stand there and wait for the printer to finish printing before retrieving the document I am not doing my job? Does it mean I lunch at my desk while rushing work at the same time I am not being professional? Sometimes I find her so ridiculous!

She may be a workaholic, but must she judge everyone according to her standards and what she does? She said she works late and brings work home, and she is the one with kids, so why do we not bring our work home, and how productive are we if we go off on time everyday? Does it mean we do not have a family to go home to? And does it mean we are more productive if we stay late all the time?

You can gain knowledge in books, in other resources, but people skills are the hardest to master because everyone is different. How I wish I can be better at public (or people) relations, then perhaps people will stop thinking I am a pushover once and for all.

Or perhaps I am just too petty to get angry over all these issues. Maybe what I really must do is to stop being petty once and for all.

Communion At Last!

This is one great Easter day! Finally, I am baptized, and I received the first Holy Communion last night! It was such a touching moment when the priest asked me to dip my head at a forty-five degree angle and then poured water on it. At that moment, I felt that I was cleansed from all sins and have been reborn again, as a renewed person.

The entire mass was really spiritual and the atmosphere was different from normal masses. I have never felt so spiritual attending a mass before, except for the Christmas midnight mass last year. I could really feel the magic all around!

I am a true Christian now. Not that I never was one, but now I have been baptized, everything seem to be so official. I have to adhere to the "saying of grace" before every meal - something I have never done because my family members and some of my friends are not comfortable with it. I do that only when the person I am eating with is a Christian too.

I have to adhere to the "no meat Friday". I am the type who just eat anything anytime anywhere, but now I have to make it a point to turn vegetarian on Fridays, or eat seafood.

I have to go to church more often. I used to go only on Sundays and Christmas Day itself, and the occasional Christmas midnight, and Good Friday mass. But now I have to make it a point to go to church for most major events, like Maundy Thursday, Ash Wednesday, All Saints Day, etc.

Now I know why baptism is so important for all Christians. You start being a real one only after you are baptized. I do not know about others, but good things have been happening to me ever since I started on the journey to baptism.

Before I started on this one-year journey, my life was in a rut. I was stuck in a job I hated, in a relationship that was crumbling, with parents who always misunderstood me, with people who took me for granted and back-stabbed me, with a pesky brother who made life hell for me.

Ever since I started on the journey, things slowly improved. I do not know if it is coincidence or a message from God, but whatever it is, I only know that my life has never been better ever since I decided to get myself baptized.

Yesterday, my parents and my brother all attended my baptism. My dad specially flew back early just so he could attend. I was really touched. After so many years of conflict with them over church-going, they were there for me.

My mum even bought me a platinum necklace with a diamond-studded cross as a baptism gift. She spoke to her colleague who is also a Catholic about what to give me and what to do, and her colleague gave me a pendant with a card. How sweet of him!

But the most surprising thing was that before I left the house yesterday to meet my dear for a meal and watch the show "Tristan And Isolde" (before he brought me to my church), my mum told me this is one of the best things I have ever done, besides the choral group.

She said it is good to believe in something, to have a faith you can turn to, and she may like to do that one day, but right now she does not have the time and do not think she can commit fully. And she said it in front of my dad, who has always been against Christianity (although he does not show it upfront).

My jaw dropped when I heard that. If my mum can say that, then miracles do happen. And if that is how things are going to be better, then I am all for that! I am a true believer of miracles now!

Decent Or Indecent?

I always have to swallow it whenever my mum said I am not a "decent" enough girl. In her opinion, a "decent" girl does not wear anything revealing to expose herself all over (ie no halter tops, tube tops, mini-skirts, shorts, halter dress, tube dress, anything strapless or backless, she draws the line at tank tops and spaghetti straps).

A "decent" girl also does not stay out until all hours of the morning (I do not do that everyday, only once in a blue moon!), does not go clubbing, smoking, drinking, flirting, nor change boyfriend like how she changes her clothes (hey, not my fault if the guys dump me ok? And it is not as if I have a different boyfriend every year or every month or everyday!), does not go out with different guys all the time (is it a crime to have many guy friends?!), does not go to her boyfriend's place, nor always do so much for the guy (then how to show my love?), does not have a rendezvous with a guy at a late hour in the night, and of course, does not give herself totally to the guy before marriage.

In other words, if I abide by her rules of how a "decent" girl should behave, I may as well take the vow of celibacy and be a nun in a convent, always dress in long sleeves and high collars like the Puritans of old, not even talk to any guy or have any guy friends, and live a life of purity and chastity.

What is so indecent with the way I lead my life? I do not smoke, do not drink (ok, the occasional champagne or cocktail for celebrations), do not gamble or buy numbers, uphold my own body and integrity, do not solicit clients, do not sleep around, do not cheat my way through life, and do not go for guys who are gangsters or who behave so wildly or uncouth.

Alright, I do club occasionally, very occasionally, but is it wrong? I have friends who go clubbing every weekend, and every Ladies Night. I do watch midnight movies and come back late, but is it wrong? Not like I stay out until the wee hours of the morning everyday.

If I cannot stay out late sometimes, how does she expect me to have a balanced social life, especially since some of my friends are owls and like to go out for a light meal or drinks once in a while?

I used to go to my boyfriend's place all the time, but is there anything wrong with that? Not like I was cohabiting with him or sleeping around with others. I do a lot for my guys, but is there anything wrong too? How can I claim I love the guy if I am not willing to do anything for him?

She was not approving of that, as she said it is cheap for a girl to always go and find the guy. If the guy truly loved and respected me, he should come and find me instead. And it is also cheap for the girl to pay for the guy and let him use my money.

She was the one who told me people have to give and take, not one person taking all the time or the other person giving all the time. So I adhered to what she told me, and she was not happy as well.

Although I get what she means now. It is truly a blessing if the guy is willing to do more for you. But even then, does it mean I should not do anything as well? Of course not! Relationships are all about giving and taking, there should not be any calculation who gives more if you truly love each other.

Then what about dressing? If I adhered to what she told me, I would be the most frumpy-looking girl on earth. Hey, this is the tropics! We have an average temperature of twenty-eight degree celsius throughout the year! I will melt if I have to wear long-sleeved tops and bottoms all the time!

I already have to adhere to a dress code at work. Cut me some slack especially during weekends! If I choose to dress sexy or revealing, is there anything wrong? Most girls who like to look good like to wear like this. And I do not believe I am that poor a dresser anyway.

Overall, I feel that whether one is decent or indecent depends on the overall behaviour and attitude, not the way she dresses or the things she does. Sometimes I really wish she can just give me a break and stop telling me how indecent I am just because I did certain things. Am I really that indecent anyway just because I did all those things?

Of Cuts And Pain

I cut my finger on Thursday. I was trying to remove the thick staple of a very thick document, when my finger just slided and got cut in the process. Luckily it was just a scratch, nothing really serious.

Coincidentally, I realise that it is the same finger that got cut. Why is it always this particular finger? The number of times I was cut, it was the same finger. And yet there are hardly any major scars to show, which is a good thing actually.

The first time I cut my finger was way back in lower primary. I was trying to cut an apple, when the small knife sliced my finger. Needless to say, I bawled and wailed and my dad had to apply cream and kissed it to make it better.

The second time the finger was cut (or scratched to be more appropriate) was when I was in upper primary. I was trying to open up a durian, when the thorns scratched me. Again, I cried and screamed until my grandma put a plaster over it.

But the one time I can really remember vividly when my finger was cut was the time I was with my first ex. He was making a bookshelf, so was using the electric drill. He wanted my help, but I had no idea how to help him, since I could not differentiate between a nut and a bolt. In my opinion, all are nails to me.

Anyway, his mother started talking to me, and he lost his concentration and cut his hand. He started screaming at his mum for talking to me and making him cut his hand. I was feeling rather offended, as I could never stand someone being rude to his mother. I wonder why his mum allowed him to get away with it? My mother would have slapped the living daylights out of me if I even dared to raise my voice at her.

So I told him to blame me since I was also talking to his mother, why must he scream at his mum? His mum took a wet towel and gave it to me, asking me to wipe away the blood. I was so terrified of blood, but I wiped it away for him just the same.

He just pushed me away and said that I was unsympathetic, and how would I feel if I got my hand cut? To which he brought out a small knife from his tool box and really sliced my finger. I was too shocked to say anything.

Tears started welling up, not because of the cut, but more for the blood and pain, and mostly because someone I loved (and always claimed he loved me) could physically hurt me. I was still holding the wet towel, so I just put it on my finger in order to stop the pain, to which he grabbed it from me and said he was the one who had the worse cut, and if I wanted to cry, get out.

The next time I cut my finger was last year, when I was cooking for someone I liked. Not really just for him, but for a pot luck party I was going to. But since he was going to be there, I slaved over the stove almost the whole afternoon, and cut my finger when I was chopping up some meat.

So now my finger had been cut by knives, scratched by durian thorns, and now cut by the sharp edge of a staple. Not to mention the minor paper cuts I suffered. All on the same finger. Hmmm... wonder if I can recycle this particular finger, then perhaps I can get rid of the little scars and it will be as good as new.

The Passing Of An April Shower ....

It had been a wet wet wet day yesterday. I notice that every Good Friday seems to be cold and wet. Wonder if that is due to the fact that Jesus was crucified and died on the day itself? Alright, I am thinking too much again.

It had been a few very busy days. I met my aunt on Wednesday night for dinner, where she spoke to me on how women are more prone to various illnesses the older they get, so urge me to start keeping myself young and healthy.

I went for Maundy Thursday mass, then he asked me out for a midnight show. We went to the newly-opened Cathay (lots of good memories I had there), where we watched "The Producers" (better than I expected), and since we did not wish to go home, went for another show "Firewall" (Harrison Ford has aged, not as charming as before) after that.

I went for the Good Friday service, complete with the Stations Of The Cross, after which there was the rehearsal for the baptism, where we were being briefed on where to stand and what to do.

I noticed a few changes from other churches, namely during the genuflection or bowing before the crucifix, one is not allowed to go up and kiss the feet of Jesus. At least the church I attended did not allow it. But in other churches, either the priest insisted that everyone must go up and kiss the feet of Jesus or the congregation was given a choice whether they wanted to kiss the cross.

Furthermore, during the Stations Of The Cross, the congregation had a choice whether they would like to stand throughout or sit down throughout the service, whereas in other churches, the congregation had to kneel down while the Stations were being said, then stand up after that. So there was a lot of kneeling and standing.

I wonder if it is a significant difference? What is the right way anyway? Does it matter if you kneel or stand or sit? And does it matter if you kiss the feet of Jesus or not?

It was raining so heavily by the time I got home that I had to call my dad to pick me up from the train station. Since it was such a cold and wet day, I decided to sleep in, and sleeping in was what I did. I spent the rest of the day napping.

I am finally getting baptized today! At last, I can experience the Holy Communion, and be a true child of God! After so many years, it is finally the day where I can be "reborn" as a new person!

Have a great Easter, everyone!

A Rebellion?

Lately I think I am getting from bad to worse. I am actually thinking of how to answer back to my mum if she goes on one of her tirades again. Where in the past I would just keep quiet and swallow her reprimands, my mind is now conjuring up various answers to the things she will say.

I cannot believe I am thinking of showing disrespect or being unfilial to my parents. But then, even young kids are talking back nowadays. Kids seem to be more outspoken and can talk back if they are not happy.

My boss was just remarking that as a parent, she would like her daughter to do well. Thus, she would inadvertently compare her daughter to her classmate or friend. The daughter actually told her to stop comparing because they are different!

Wow.... how I wish I knew how to speak up to my mum like this! Then perhaps I would have a better time when growing up? Maybe I would really say that to her next time, "I am me, don't keep on expecting me to be like others! Besides, this is the twenty-first century, stop using the seventies era to compare, because times are different! Find someone else to be your daughter if you are so ashamed of me!"

Looks like I am prepared to get slapped left, right and centre. Oh well.... a price to pay. Speak my mind and get slapped, or keep quiet and do not tell her much and then there may be more peace. Either way I lose out.

I really envy people who grow up with warm and understanding parents who can tell their parents just about everything! And these parents have no qualms for their children to stay out until all hours of the day, or cohabit with their boyfriends / girlfriends, or always lend a listening ear and a source of comfort and encouragement whenever their children run into any problems.

But then there is nothing I can do to change how my parents are like, so I just have to continue living with it. Besides, as long as they give me enough freedom (although no harm giving more) to generally live my life the way I like, I guess there is nothing more I can really ask for.

Forgive And Forget?

Forgiveness is a virtue. A virtue which I have yet to instil in myself. I must learn how to forgive people more. Maybe because I am naturally a petty person, thus those who have hurt me, I find it hard to be nice back to them.

The teachings in the Bible says to be humble and offer the other cheek if slapped, but does that mean we have to be subjected to people's abuse and humiliation? Love everyone like how you would love yourself, but do we really have to love people who do not deserve our love, to say the least?

What is forgiveness anyway? To forgive someone means to let go of past hurts, but will you forget? If you are still cold towards the one who hurt you, it probably means you may have forgiven, but not forgotten. It takes someone really honourable and big-hearted to really forgive and forget people who have hurt him / her.

I am not that big-hearted, which is why I cannot let a lot of things go. How do you forgive people who have hurt you? People who have insulted me, who have subjected me to mental and physical abuse, who have let me down in some way or the other?

Is there a justifiable reason to not forgive someone? Like for instance, will you forgive someone who had cheated on you? If you find your partner has been unfaithful, will you be able to forgive him / her and start over? Is there a justifiable reason for it?

After all, relationships are not easy to maintain. When a partner strays, perhaps it is time to examine if we have done everything in our power to ensure his / her needs are met. If they have been met and he / she still strays, then that is unforgiveable.

If we have been at fault for neglecting our partner and taken him / her for granted, then we should ask for forgiveness instead and then forgive the partner and start over, hoping to turn back the clock and revisit good times.

Will you forgive someone who has killed someone you love? Well, perhaps if someone murder my family, I will go all out in bloodthirsty revenge. But what if someone framed my family member? Is that forgiveable, especially since the one in the wrong has gotten the just deserts?

What if you discovered someone you are close to doing something which you think is wrong? Like if a parent found his child stealing, or cheating his way through life. Is that forgiveable? Of course I believe as a parent, whatever the child does is forgiveable, no matter how much he has hurt you.

What if you are the parent of a murderer or a rapist? Your child has done wrong to so many people. Will you be able to forgive him / her then? Is it better to see your own child being hanged for his crimes, or petition to get him out of jail and help him escape?

If a girl has been raped, will she be able to forgive the rapist? The trauma and emotional turmoil will forever be there. What if she got pregnant in the end? Is abortion justifiable in this case - expecting an unwanted baby that will remind the poor girl of her ordeal? And if she did abort the baby, will she be able to forgive herself?

It is really hard to forgive someone who has hurt you, especially people who have made you gone through a trauma of sorts. There is only a thin line bordering between love and hate. At times, the one that is the most unforgiveable is the one whom you actually love the most.

Maybe all of us are unable to forgive people who have hurt us, in one way or another. Perhaps that is what being humans are all about. We have emotions, we have love and hate, we feel hurt when we are hurt, we bite and bark when provoked.

And even if we have told ourselves to forgive those who have sinned against us, like how we are being forgiven for our sins, somehow all will still not be forgotten. The real test is whether we can truly forgive and forget all those who have hurt us and show them love and concern without seeing them in a different light.

Bad Service (Again)!

Some time ago, I mentioned something about the dwindling standards of our local service personnel. Today, I just experienced a rude customer service officer. She has no reason to be so rude, no matter who called in!

I was sourcing out for cheaper and more longer-lasting contact lenses, when I called this neighbourhood optical shop. I had been rather impressed with their service in the past as I had bought a few pairs of lenses there before, so I called the shop to enquire on certain brands.

I wanted to know the difference in pricing and durability between disposable lenses and conventional lenses. I have been using disposables all along, so I am thinking of trying for conventional lenses, as I have heard they are more beneficial for the eyes.

I told the lady that I only have a limited budget, and I would like something that can last me for a year and a half at least. When she quoted me the prices, I said I would have to consider as the amount seems a bit high. She then said in an arrogant voice, "If you want cheap, wear glasses! Cheapest and longest-lasting!"

Can you believe that?! Who is she to talk down on me like this? I am the customer, for goodness sake! It is my right whether I agree to buy or not after I made my enquiries! I miss the other lady in the store. She was so nice and courteous, and really adhere to the "Customer is always right" rule.

At times I wonder, what are we paying so much for service for when it seems that we never get any good service at all?

Godiva - A Chocoholic's Dream ....

Godiva, the world's most expensive chocolate! Every chocoholic in the know dreams of the day when he / she is able to savour just one piece of Godiva chocolate. As comparatively, SINS is a much better choice for value - more variety with slightly less price.

All along whenever I pass by the Godiva Chocolatier, I dream of the day when I can finally afford to step in and breathe in the strong smell and buy just a few to partake. Each time I go by the display window, I salivate at the variety of high-class chocolates on display.

My chance finally came last night! We were on our way home after dinner, when he pulled me into the shop. All along I know the goods are expensive, but even I was horrified when I saw a gift box consisting of a dozen different chocolates selling for S$200! Wow, I can buy about twenty boxes of Ferrero Rochers with that amount!

Even a box of half a dozen chocolates cost about S$60! I was thinking I could never afford to eat even one piece of chocolate in that store! In the end, I chose the ones in bulk, and the cashier said I could pick and choose, mix and match, until I get 100g, which will cost S$20.

So I chose six pieces of chocolate, amounting to S$16 in total. And the chocolates are small pieces, just bite-sized. Surprisingly, much as I like to savour, I have been controlling my addiction. Thus, I have not touched a single one, which is a big achievement for me. Mainly because I cannot bear to sink my teeth into an average S$4 worth of chocolate, not to mention S$16 of his money.

Once in a lifetime experience. I have confirmed I can never afford the products in there. I can easily buy two whole big boxes of Kit Kats with that same amount! Although if someone is to spring a Godiva giftbox on me, I will be really ecstatic! And it has to be the S$200 giftbox, no less! ;-D

Of Sexually-Transmitted Diseases ....

I am getting rather confused over the cause of sexually-transmitted diseases and AIDS. Someone will get struck down by any of these diseases only if he / she happens to have intercourse with someone who is already infected.

But how did those diseases come about in the first place? Who was the perpetrator? Besides being transmitted through sex, these can also be spread by using the same toothbrush, pricked by a needle used by an infected person, coming into contact with the blood of an infected person, and even saliva. Or will the disease be spead through French kissing or oral sex as well?

These diseases are often transmitted when people sleep around with no protection. But what is the definition of sleeping around? One night stands, doing it with several people at one time, or having several partners at different times?

Let's say this girl, A, had three boyfriends before. She slept with all of them unprotected sometimes. During each relationship, she was only faithful to the respective guy, and was sure the guy at the moment was faithful to her.

Then she found her fourth boyfriend and slept with him, unprotected, as well. This guy, B, had four girlfriends before but he slept with only two of them, also unprotected. He, too, was only faithful to the girl of the moment and vice versa.

So girl A had three sexual partners before guy B, and he had two sexual partners before her. They never used protection. Now, are they at a high risk of contracting any sexually transmitted disease? Or are those people who have a different partner every night more prone?

Then what about sex workers? Considering what they do for a living, will they be the ones that are most prone to these diseases? As far as I know, anyone with more than one sex partner has a risk of contracting sexually-transmitted diseases, but is there a limit on how many people one can sleep with before it becomes too risky?

Miss Singapore Universe 2006

What do you think of the notion that local guys are less attractive than foreign guys?

So asked the host to the top five finalists of the Miss Singapore Universe 2006 pageant. Interesting question, with even more interesting answers. Contrary to popular belief that local girls, especially the better-looking ones, are all Sarong Party Girls who only go for Caucasians, all the five contestants claimed they prefer local guys over everyone else.

I always watch the annual pageant, not because I can poke fun at the caliber of girls who made it into the finals, but because the questions posed are really interesting, And it really takes someone quick-witted to be able to come up with a good answer instantly under the pressure of thousands of eyes focusing on her.

There have been controversy over previous Miss Singapore pageants. There was the hype about how they speak “poor” English, peppered with lots of mispronunciation. There was also the hype that local girls “cannot make it” when placed internationally.

This year it was the hype on the girls not just having beauty, but brains too, as evidenced from the number of post-graduate degree holders as finalists. But in the first place, with kids getting more and more exam-smart, perhaps it is not that difficult to study so much anymore.

In recent years, there have been debates going round that all these Miss Universe pageants should not be mere beauty pageants, but also to test on smarts, personality, charisma, warmth and capability.

My own opinion is they can say whatever they like to defend, but on the bottom line, those that made it to the finals were those who banked on their looks. In the first place, if the girls are not tall, elegant, slim, svelte, with an hour glass figure, no cellulite, good skin and hair, can they even make it through the selection round no matter how smart or capable they are?

Just like the new winner. She is tall, with a curvy silhouette and bigger assets than the rest, but the way she answers the question is not as good as some others. Besides, I find the first runner-up better-looking, sweeter face and prettier smile, and answered the question in a better way too. Except she is slimmer and shorter.

So, to be the winner, it is a combination of height + elegance + BIG BOOBS. How smart or pretty you are does not seem to take into any account at all. At least that is the impression I get.

Anyway, my own answer to the above question?

Local guys, stereotypically Chinese guys, may not have the physique as compared to foreign guys, stereotypically Caucasians. But that does not mean all Chinese guys are plain-looking. There are also Caucasian guys who are just normal-looking, not the gorgeous Hollywood type of hunks. Similarly, there are also Chinese guys who are good-looking.

That aside, attraction is not just physical. Guys can be attractive mentally, by being quick-witted and smart. They can also be attractive in terms of character. So, to determine how attractive a guy is, one must see beyond the looks into the personality and senses.

Local guys can have a combination of looks, personality and smarts, just like foreign guys. Thus, it is not true that local guys are less attractive, because guys are the same and function the same way no matter which country or skin colour they were born under.

So the above notion is wrong. There are attractive guys everywhere, be it local or foreign, just like there are also pricks everywhere, be it local or foreign. One just has to look for the right one.

Now I seriously wonder how many points the judges would give me for my answer. Probably a failing grade.

Why Do Relationships End?

My parents were telling me the other day to make sure my next relationship works out, since it is time I stop being so frivolous and settle down. So, they still think it is my fault that my other relationships ended? Sometimes it is also beyond my control. I never wanted to break up, but if people chose to dump me, there was nothing much I could do as well.

Sometimes I really wish my parents can get out of their own shells and realise that society is different now. There is no such thing as "sticking with the one you fell for first" anymore. Now people are breaking up for so many reasons, some very minor even.

However I realise that the main reasons why people break up are either due to money or sex or religion or third party. Some other reasons are commitment phobia, or taking each other for granted.

My friends who have been out of relationships break up due to either of those issues. For me, I think I have broken up because of all the issues mentioned. My relationships have ended due to money woes, or sex woes, or religion woes or third party woes.

From experience of my friends and myself, the main factor for couples breaking up is money. I have had bad experiences with guys who sponge off me, and guys who demanded whatever they spent on me back after we broke up, and guys who think that if a guy can pay for a girl, why can the girl not pay for him?

I have no qualms on paying for guys, if and when I want to. I have paid for guys before. But I will lose all respect for the guy if he even asks me to pay. Perhaps I am still unrealistically dreamy that I still believe in chivalry and guys being a gentleman, but somehow, I can never look up to a guy if he even has the cheek to ask his girl to pay for him.

Girls love to go shopping and indulge, and guys will complain the girls spend too much money. Actually sometimes I wonder why the guys complain for? If the girl has her own earning capacity and is spending her own money, not his, does he have any right to restrict her from buying what she likes? Besides, if the issue of money gets into a relationship, is it still worth staying on?

Right now, I seldom have to fork out my own money, but I do feel bad that he keeps spending on me. Yet he says that life is short, should indulge if I want to, and he does limit himself, so not to worry.

And he finds it justifiable to spend on someone he loves, rather than keeping since the money will not go with us to our graves. Well... somehow I think his limit has increased then ever since he met me. Not that I am complaining since I am basking in all the love he is giving me.

Another factor that drives couples apart is the issue of sex. Like if one party wants it all the time and the other party refuses, that will build up to a big conflict which can never be resolved. It is not always that the guy is the more horny one, sometimes it can be the girl.

I have been told that guys do not like girls who are too horny, as they will get scared off. I wonder why? I thought this type of girls will be the dream of most guys in general? But couples also break up due to different expectations during sex.

I guess for a girl, not that I have that much experience in this area, but from what my friends say, she will prefer the guy to just cuddle up to her after sex, indulge in more foreplay, make her feel loved and connected, whereas the guy will just zero in on the intercourse without bothering the pre and the post.

So girls complain why guys just fall asleep, as if the guys used them just to satisfy their desires, and guys complain why girls are never satisfied even though the guys think the session was good. Then there will be conflict and tension and culminates into a breakup.

Next factor for breaking up is religion. But I think this is the part which is the worst, because some couples can be just made for each other, yet it would be such a pity if religion gets into the picture and in the end they cannot be together due to religious reasons.

I have seen friends about to get married, but in the end forced to break out as one party refuses to convert. Religion is but a choice, so would it be fair to ask someone to convert just to get married? Then even if he / she converts and does not practice, what is the use?

Of course, it is always best to find someone of the same religion, then both can understand each other perfectly well where religion is concerned, but if the couple is not of the same religion, then both must respect each other.

For instance, I go to church but never impose that my guy has to come along with me. He allows me to go and even asks about my church activities, and never once put down my beliefs. I am getting baptised in another week's time, and I have been busier in church due to the baptism activities, but he has never once complained that my church activites are taking up too much time.

Which is why I am so happy and appreciative, because it is hard for a non-Christian to fully understand the need for a Christian to go to church. Even my parents, up to now, still cannot understand why I need to go to church every week, and why sometimes midnight mass, and why sometimes I have to be in church for the whole day. Yet he just allows and accepts without question.

But when religion becomes an issue of conflict, it is time to make a choice if God is more important or your boyfriend is more important. Obviously there is never a basis for comparison, because to someone with a religion, God (whichever religion) will still be the most important. And often than not, they will sacrifice the relationship rather than to sacrifice God.

When I sacrificed my last relationship for my religion, I was scolded. By my ex, saying that once I chose God, he could no longer ask me for sex. By his mum, saying what is wrong with being a free-thinker that I must go get myself baptised? By his best friend, saying that why I trust God so much yet never trusted my boyfriend as much?

The irony is that because of this last relationship, faced with all the opposition, yet I yearned to be baptised and wanted to be a full Christian so much. My previous exs, despite being Catholics, never had that effect on me. Sometimes I think God really works in unimiaginable ways. And now nothing can shake my beliefs anymore because I finally know my religion is pretty important to me.

But the most common reason why relationships end is due to third parties. Either the guy falls for someone else, or the girl falls for someone else. People can say they want to stay faithful and what not, but in times like this, it is not within their control.

I always wanted to be faithful, but when my exs left me for another girl, what could I do? If the guy or girl no longer loves you, pehaps it is then time for both to move on, because if your boyfriend / girlfriend can fall for someone else while still with you, the relationship was probably breaking down or not that strong in the first place.

I guess from my experiences, not that I have many as compared to others, I have learnt to just let go of things and let nature take its course, rather than imposing and expecting. I wish my parents can understand that certain things are also not within my control, then perhaps they can stop expecting so much from me for once.

The Power Of Makeup

Many guys I know prefer a good-looking girlfriend. I always feel beauty is but only skin-deep, it is what is inside that counts. But guys, being guys, always like someone pleasant-looking to look at, since I have been told guys are more visually-inclined.

But guys' concept of beauty differs from person to person. A girl may appear pretty to someone, but she may be just ordinary-looking to someone else. Anyway, there is the saying, "There is no ugly women, only lazy ones." If people (both genders included) do not take pains to groom themselves, then they will always appear ordinary instead of outstanding.

Look at the people on the streets. How many can we say that is really good-looking? And by people, I mean locals, or to be more precise, Chinese people. How many are really outstanding in terms of looks?

Even our own local actresses and beauty queens, how many can we say that is really pretty or good-looking? And the annual Miss Singapore Universe pageants, where the girls were subjected to lots of media pressure and criticisms. Shorn of all the makeup and hairdo, most of them are probably just plain Janes.

Of course I am in no position to comment since I am not even good-looking in the first place. What I am trying to say is that with proper grooming and makeup, even the most ordinary girl can transform into someone gorgeous.

Without lip gloss, lipstick, blusher, mascara and fake eyelashes, one's face will be different. Mascara and fake eyelashes open up the eyes in a way no other cosmetics can ever do. Whether one finds a girl's eyes sexy, sultry, pretty or attention-seeking all depends on the way she curls her eyelashes and how long her eyelashes are.

Whether one finds a girl's smile sexy, sultry or pouty depends on how intense her lip gloss or lipstick is. And whether one finds a girl's cheeks broad or narrow depends on the way she uses her blusher.

Without all these aids, a girl is nothing. She will just be another ordinary face walking along the streets. She will just be moving along, without attracting any attention. It is due to all these cosmetics that make the difference between a plain Jane and a gorgeous lady, an ugly duckling and a beautiful swan.

I totally swear by makeup, and I believe most other girls do too. Afterall, what separates my look outside and at home is makeup. I will never ever go out without any makeup. Even my guy had never seen me sans makeup before. I will always make sure I put on at least a lip gloss and moisturiser even when I meet him for supper at night.

Some guys say that makeup makes the girl looks fake. They prefer their girlfriends in the natural state. Of course, if you truly love a person, you will love everything about her, in her natural state.

But for those who complain that their girlfriends spend a fortune on cosmetics and think girls with makeup are too unnatural, do not underestimate the power of makeup on a girl. It was probably how she presented herself, ie her image, her dressing, her makeup, that attracted you to her in the first place.

We girls spend a fortune to look good, not just for ourselves, but also to let our guys feel good that they have a girlfriend who takes pride in her appearance and want to look good for him. Afterall, if you love a person, you will want to look good and presentable for the person.