I have been feeling rather disturbed lately. If my friend did not sort of lend me a listening ear at midnight, I would have been even more down in the dumps. Really grateful to him, and really feel so bad for keeping him up.
It started off last week with a sudden dream which, in my opinion, was totally unnecessary, and I remember waking up to rather strong emotions after that. No doubt I cannot control my dreams, but this is one dream I hope never to dream again, and one that I do not ever want it to come true.
The emotions that followed triggered off certain thoughts. I start questioning myself on how exactly I am as a person? Why is it that I am in such a happy and loving relationship, with a guy that other girls can only dream of, yet I still feel suspicious and insecure?
Am I too greedy, that I want more? What more can I want now that I have gotten everything I want and more? Or perhaps it is just human (in this case, a woman's) nature to be petty, suspicious and insecure. Which means I must change that, I must try to deal with people better, improve on my people relations.
Anyway the dream was but a one-off thing. Some people say dreams are opposites of reality, and in this case, I hope it really is the opposite of reality. Other things that have gotten me disturbed are mainly because lately (not really lately actually) there have been an increase of people that got me irritated one way or another.
It started with my youngest brother. It is not the first time he has been irritating the hell out of me, but on Sunday, he was particularly picky. All because my parents made him attend my baptism on Saturday, and he wanted "revenge" by picking on everything I did on Sunday.
He kept saying things like, "You are a Christian, you are not supposed to do this." For someone so against attending church and the teachings of the Bible, what makes him think he is an expert on how a Christian should behave? I have never come across another guy (except my first ex) who is so petty, self-centred and think the whole world of himself!
So now that I am a full Christian, does it mean I cannot jibe and be laid back at home and with my family members? Does it mean I cannot close my room door and not adopt a "warm and inviting" policy? Does it mean I cannot have my own privacy since I am supposed to "love everyone"?
As if that is not enough, my ex gave me trouble again. I think sometimes I court my own trouble. I could just ignore the phone call and save myself all the agony, yet I chose to answer the call and ended up screaming and slamming down the phone.
He called to congratulate me for finally getting baptised. And he said which means I have to go live in a convent soon. Excuse me? I am only getting baptised, I am not getting ordained as a nun or sister!
He then asked if the reason I agreed to make love with my guy is it because he is a very generous lover? Oh my gosh, is he still on this issue? He said if I wanted to be paid for sex, I could have told him in the first place. WHO OR WHAT DOES HE TAKE ME FOR?!
He then asked aboout my family members, to which I updated him a little. Yet he interrupted me at every sentence, added his own corny jokes and laughed at everything. Finally I asked him if everything is a joke to him, because if it is, then I certainly do not deem them as jokes or find whatever I said funny.
He then asked why I was so mean that I could not even let him joke around or laugh? I WAS MEAN?! For not letting him make corny jokes about my family members?
I am talking about how my mum is going for a mammogram this week as she is experiencing chest pains, and how my first brother has decided to take up permanent residence in China and not coming back, and my ex was the one making jokes out of everything. Who was the mean one here?!
Someone from my past suddenly appeared in my life again. I thought he was gone for good, after having lost contact since last year. I met him online and he started talking to me, but I was busy watching a VCD thus did not bother replying. Anyway I have no good impression of this guy.
He indicated he was pursuing me last year. I did not indicate my interest, neither did I indicate disinterest, but when he asked me out, I agreed since I was free. The thing was, he kept asking me to pay for him.
The first time we went out for high tea, at the end of the meal he said he was broke, and asked if I could pay. The second time we went out for lunch, he did the same thing. The third time we went clubbing, I paid for the entrance fee and he ordered the most expensive martinis and bourbons and asked me to settle the bill.
I got a little drunk that day, and he told me if I wanted to go off, I could just walk to the taxi stand and take a cab back. He did not even have the grace to walk me to the taxi stand! When I asked how he went home that night, he told me he called his friend to pick him up and gave him a free lift back.
Another time, he said he wanted to come to my place to play pool, and I told him he was welcome. But he said he would be taking a cab down from his place, and once he arrived, could I come out and pay the cab fare for him? So I cooked up the excuse that my family would be out soon and asked him not to come over.
After that, I told him not to ask me out anymore. I never told him the reason why, and he never returned me any money he owed me as well. If I was the one who asked him out and offered to treat him, then that was a different story, but I could not take it if the guy was the one who offered to date me, bring me to expensive places, but in the end expect me to settle all the bills all the time.
As I have mentioned before, I do not think it is right for the guy to ask or expect the girl to pay, especially if he was the one who asked her out, unless the girl volunteered and did not mind footing the bill. But in this case, he expected me to pay all the time, without even asking me in advance. And I did not ask to eat at such expensive places, he was the one who suggested.
But what I really like to know now is how to handle my manager. She is so picky on everything! No doubt at times I deserve a reprimand as I had been careless and overlooked certain things, but she controlled me (mostly) in everything, from what I wear to what I eat, to how I use the photocopier, to not working overtime consecutively, and whether I bring work home to do.
Does it mean if I do not bring work home to do I am not committed enough to my job? Does it mean if I stand there and wait for the printer to finish printing before retrieving the document I am not doing my job? Does it mean I lunch at my desk while rushing work at the same time I am not being professional? Sometimes I find her so ridiculous!
She may be a workaholic, but must she judge everyone according to her standards and what she does? She said she works late and brings work home, and she is the one with kids, so why do we not bring our work home, and how productive are we if we go off on time everyday? Does it mean we do not have a family to go home to? And does it mean we are more productive if we stay late all the time?
You can gain knowledge in books, in other resources, but people skills are the hardest to master because everyone is different. How I wish I can be better at public (or people) relations, then perhaps people will stop thinking I am a pushover once and for all.
Or perhaps I am just too petty to get angry over all these issues. Maybe what I really must do is to stop being petty once and for all.
It started off last week with a sudden dream which, in my opinion, was totally unnecessary, and I remember waking up to rather strong emotions after that. No doubt I cannot control my dreams, but this is one dream I hope never to dream again, and one that I do not ever want it to come true.
The emotions that followed triggered off certain thoughts. I start questioning myself on how exactly I am as a person? Why is it that I am in such a happy and loving relationship, with a guy that other girls can only dream of, yet I still feel suspicious and insecure?
Am I too greedy, that I want more? What more can I want now that I have gotten everything I want and more? Or perhaps it is just human (in this case, a woman's) nature to be petty, suspicious and insecure. Which means I must change that, I must try to deal with people better, improve on my people relations.
Anyway the dream was but a one-off thing. Some people say dreams are opposites of reality, and in this case, I hope it really is the opposite of reality. Other things that have gotten me disturbed are mainly because lately (not really lately actually) there have been an increase of people that got me irritated one way or another.
It started with my youngest brother. It is not the first time he has been irritating the hell out of me, but on Sunday, he was particularly picky. All because my parents made him attend my baptism on Saturday, and he wanted "revenge" by picking on everything I did on Sunday.
He kept saying things like, "You are a Christian, you are not supposed to do this." For someone so against attending church and the teachings of the Bible, what makes him think he is an expert on how a Christian should behave? I have never come across another guy (except my first ex) who is so petty, self-centred and think the whole world of himself!
So now that I am a full Christian, does it mean I cannot jibe and be laid back at home and with my family members? Does it mean I cannot close my room door and not adopt a "warm and inviting" policy? Does it mean I cannot have my own privacy since I am supposed to "love everyone"?
As if that is not enough, my ex gave me trouble again. I think sometimes I court my own trouble. I could just ignore the phone call and save myself all the agony, yet I chose to answer the call and ended up screaming and slamming down the phone.
He called to congratulate me for finally getting baptised. And he said which means I have to go live in a convent soon. Excuse me? I am only getting baptised, I am not getting ordained as a nun or sister!
He then asked if the reason I agreed to make love with my guy is it because he is a very generous lover? Oh my gosh, is he still on this issue? He said if I wanted to be paid for sex, I could have told him in the first place. WHO OR WHAT DOES HE TAKE ME FOR?!
He then asked aboout my family members, to which I updated him a little. Yet he interrupted me at every sentence, added his own corny jokes and laughed at everything. Finally I asked him if everything is a joke to him, because if it is, then I certainly do not deem them as jokes or find whatever I said funny.
He then asked why I was so mean that I could not even let him joke around or laugh? I WAS MEAN?! For not letting him make corny jokes about my family members?
I am talking about how my mum is going for a mammogram this week as she is experiencing chest pains, and how my first brother has decided to take up permanent residence in China and not coming back, and my ex was the one making jokes out of everything. Who was the mean one here?!
Someone from my past suddenly appeared in my life again. I thought he was gone for good, after having lost contact since last year. I met him online and he started talking to me, but I was busy watching a VCD thus did not bother replying. Anyway I have no good impression of this guy.
He indicated he was pursuing me last year. I did not indicate my interest, neither did I indicate disinterest, but when he asked me out, I agreed since I was free. The thing was, he kept asking me to pay for him.
The first time we went out for high tea, at the end of the meal he said he was broke, and asked if I could pay. The second time we went out for lunch, he did the same thing. The third time we went clubbing, I paid for the entrance fee and he ordered the most expensive martinis and bourbons and asked me to settle the bill.
I got a little drunk that day, and he told me if I wanted to go off, I could just walk to the taxi stand and take a cab back. He did not even have the grace to walk me to the taxi stand! When I asked how he went home that night, he told me he called his friend to pick him up and gave him a free lift back.
Another time, he said he wanted to come to my place to play pool, and I told him he was welcome. But he said he would be taking a cab down from his place, and once he arrived, could I come out and pay the cab fare for him? So I cooked up the excuse that my family would be out soon and asked him not to come over.
After that, I told him not to ask me out anymore. I never told him the reason why, and he never returned me any money he owed me as well. If I was the one who asked him out and offered to treat him, then that was a different story, but I could not take it if the guy was the one who offered to date me, bring me to expensive places, but in the end expect me to settle all the bills all the time.
As I have mentioned before, I do not think it is right for the guy to ask or expect the girl to pay, especially if he was the one who asked her out, unless the girl volunteered and did not mind footing the bill. But in this case, he expected me to pay all the time, without even asking me in advance. And I did not ask to eat at such expensive places, he was the one who suggested.
But what I really like to know now is how to handle my manager. She is so picky on everything! No doubt at times I deserve a reprimand as I had been careless and overlooked certain things, but she controlled me (mostly) in everything, from what I wear to what I eat, to how I use the photocopier, to not working overtime consecutively, and whether I bring work home to do.
Does it mean if I do not bring work home to do I am not committed enough to my job? Does it mean if I stand there and wait for the printer to finish printing before retrieving the document I am not doing my job? Does it mean I lunch at my desk while rushing work at the same time I am not being professional? Sometimes I find her so ridiculous!
She may be a workaholic, but must she judge everyone according to her standards and what she does? She said she works late and brings work home, and she is the one with kids, so why do we not bring our work home, and how productive are we if we go off on time everyday? Does it mean we do not have a family to go home to? And does it mean we are more productive if we stay late all the time?
You can gain knowledge in books, in other resources, but people skills are the hardest to master because everyone is different. How I wish I can be better at public (or people) relations, then perhaps people will stop thinking I am a pushover once and for all.
Or perhaps I am just too petty to get angry over all these issues. Maybe what I really must do is to stop being petty once and for all.
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