What is happiness exactly? Will one be happy if you live your own life not caring about others, or will one be happy if you live according to how others want yet you lost yourself in the process? Do you exist in this world mainly to function on your own, or do you exist to cater to others?
My mum used to tell me I should not always follow what my friends do because blood is thicker than water after all. She says it will always be my family that will be with me throughout, not my friends.
Time has proven her wrong. Recalling all the incidents in my life, I wonder where was my family when I failed my examinations, when I got my heart-broken those few times, when I was having problems in my job, when I was disappointed over myself? It had always been my friends who pulled me out of depression.
People envy me as I stay in a landed property, which only the supposedly middle to high-class people can afford. But others who stay in a landed property can get anything they want, yet I feel like a prisoner in my own home. I rather stay on the streets and have a warmer family with nicer parents, than to stay in a mansion and cannot even relate to anyone in my family!
I never know what happiness is until now. Not just because I have found such a wonderful guy, but also because for once, I am living the life I want. I am doing things I choose to do, I want to experience, and being true to myself.
What is wrong with going out in the middle of the night to meet your boyfriend for supper? What is wrong to take a moonlit walk in the wee hours of the morning? I have already wanted to do that, but was always restricted by my parents.
Besides, in the past, my boyfriends would never specially come down to my area, so if I wanted a midnight rendezvous, I had to go to their areas instead, which I did not wish to as it was already late at night.
But the thing is that after all my years of catering to how others want me to live my life, first time I am leading it the way I want to. I never know I am daring enough to go behind my parents' backs and did certain things. Yet I am happy doing those things, I do not feel any form of guilt whatsoever.
All my life I went according to what my parents wanted, and so many times there was a clash between what they wanted and what I want. My parents said that a girl should not be so cheap to go over to her boyfriend's place all the time, should not lower herself to always look up the guy, should never ever give in to the guy where sex is concerned, as the guys will then lose all respect for you.
So I always used to go over to my boyfriend's place, and I was happy doing that, although I ended up being scolded all the time. But when I was at their place, I had to do whatever they asked.
Cooking, cleaning, massaging, etc, even sex, although the last one I never gave in. I loved them then so did whatever they asked. After a while, I became weary and wondered if that was the life I wanted to have.
After the end of my last relationship, I finally figured out what I wanted to do with my life. I want to live life my own way. I want to go ahead and finally get baptised. I do not need to live my entire life catering to other people, I am my own person.
The most major decision I ever made on my own accord. And the happiest and most fulfilling, as after more than a quarter of a century, I can finally be happy. I can finally do things I want to do.
This decision affected me in more ways than one. I became a much better person - more patient and understanding, less flustered, more able to let things go. And my prayers are answered in the way I have never imagined - in the form of the most wonderful guy in the world.
Now I finally know what I want out of my own life, is it wrong if I want to be happy in my own way? Is it being unfilial if I go against how my parents and elders tried to teach me and do things on my own? Can I not do anything I want without being subjected to scrutiny and answerable to everyone?
I am finally so happy with my life. Do I have to be answerable to anyone how I want to live my life? My friends are so much more supportive and encouraging, yet why can my parents and elders not feel the same happiness for me?
Do they really take me as some sort of mechanical girl that I have to listen to what they say all the time, I am not allowed to have my own thinking and opinion, and just because I do something they consider scandalous, I am someone bad, loose, cheap, disrespectful, unfilial, etc, etc?
I finally found the path I want to do. My parents may not approve, but it is what I want to do. I am finally in a religion I want. I am finally with the type of guy I have been looking for all my life, and which other girls can only dream of.
So they do not approve of things I do with him, but does it matter as long as I am truly happy and loved? Are they not the ones always telling me to get someone older, someone who can be into me and who will take care of me?
Which is why I blog. Because I cannot tell my parents anything, except for issues like work or performances or where I go with my friends. They will be horrified if they know just what I have been up to. So I bare all in cyberspace. And others can read due to the barrier of anonymity, and even for those who know me, they respect me enough to let me do what I do.
Am I being rebellious and unfilial in doing this? Am I being a bad daughter by being actually happy I am living this life, yet doing a lot of things behind my parent's backs? Am I such a mean person that my happiness becomes the sadness of my parents?
My cousin said she had no idea how her mum got to know about my blog, because as far as she is concerned, her mum is computer illiterate, so will not even bother using the computer. And I do not believe my other cousins will tell her because they have promised to keep whatever they read a secret.
So it is a mystery how she got to read what I wrote. I do not think she will get me into trouble, she is just concerned about my welfare. But with the minuscule possibility of my parents ever knowing, I will face the consequences because I am responsible for my own actions.
I will not regret anything I do. The only thing I am worried about is if my parents really get to know, I will land my guy in deep water, and I really do not wish him to get involved, even though he has promised to stand by me no matter what happens.
I may sound really bad, but if ask to make a choice now between my guy and my parents, I will choose him, because he is the one that taught me how to truly love a person, and he is the one that has given me all the happiness in the world, something nobody, not even my parents, had ever achieved.
My mum used to tell me I should not always follow what my friends do because blood is thicker than water after all. She says it will always be my family that will be with me throughout, not my friends.
Time has proven her wrong. Recalling all the incidents in my life, I wonder where was my family when I failed my examinations, when I got my heart-broken those few times, when I was having problems in my job, when I was disappointed over myself? It had always been my friends who pulled me out of depression.
People envy me as I stay in a landed property, which only the supposedly middle to high-class people can afford. But others who stay in a landed property can get anything they want, yet I feel like a prisoner in my own home. I rather stay on the streets and have a warmer family with nicer parents, than to stay in a mansion and cannot even relate to anyone in my family!
I never know what happiness is until now. Not just because I have found such a wonderful guy, but also because for once, I am living the life I want. I am doing things I choose to do, I want to experience, and being true to myself.
What is wrong with going out in the middle of the night to meet your boyfriend for supper? What is wrong to take a moonlit walk in the wee hours of the morning? I have already wanted to do that, but was always restricted by my parents.
Besides, in the past, my boyfriends would never specially come down to my area, so if I wanted a midnight rendezvous, I had to go to their areas instead, which I did not wish to as it was already late at night.
But the thing is that after all my years of catering to how others want me to live my life, first time I am leading it the way I want to. I never know I am daring enough to go behind my parents' backs and did certain things. Yet I am happy doing those things, I do not feel any form of guilt whatsoever.
All my life I went according to what my parents wanted, and so many times there was a clash between what they wanted and what I want. My parents said that a girl should not be so cheap to go over to her boyfriend's place all the time, should not lower herself to always look up the guy, should never ever give in to the guy where sex is concerned, as the guys will then lose all respect for you.
So I always used to go over to my boyfriend's place, and I was happy doing that, although I ended up being scolded all the time. But when I was at their place, I had to do whatever they asked.
Cooking, cleaning, massaging, etc, even sex, although the last one I never gave in. I loved them then so did whatever they asked. After a while, I became weary and wondered if that was the life I wanted to have.
After the end of my last relationship, I finally figured out what I wanted to do with my life. I want to live life my own way. I want to go ahead and finally get baptised. I do not need to live my entire life catering to other people, I am my own person.
The most major decision I ever made on my own accord. And the happiest and most fulfilling, as after more than a quarter of a century, I can finally be happy. I can finally do things I want to do.
This decision affected me in more ways than one. I became a much better person - more patient and understanding, less flustered, more able to let things go. And my prayers are answered in the way I have never imagined - in the form of the most wonderful guy in the world.
Now I finally know what I want out of my own life, is it wrong if I want to be happy in my own way? Is it being unfilial if I go against how my parents and elders tried to teach me and do things on my own? Can I not do anything I want without being subjected to scrutiny and answerable to everyone?
I am finally so happy with my life. Do I have to be answerable to anyone how I want to live my life? My friends are so much more supportive and encouraging, yet why can my parents and elders not feel the same happiness for me?
Do they really take me as some sort of mechanical girl that I have to listen to what they say all the time, I am not allowed to have my own thinking and opinion, and just because I do something they consider scandalous, I am someone bad, loose, cheap, disrespectful, unfilial, etc, etc?
I finally found the path I want to do. My parents may not approve, but it is what I want to do. I am finally in a religion I want. I am finally with the type of guy I have been looking for all my life, and which other girls can only dream of.
So they do not approve of things I do with him, but does it matter as long as I am truly happy and loved? Are they not the ones always telling me to get someone older, someone who can be into me and who will take care of me?
Which is why I blog. Because I cannot tell my parents anything, except for issues like work or performances or where I go with my friends. They will be horrified if they know just what I have been up to. So I bare all in cyberspace. And others can read due to the barrier of anonymity, and even for those who know me, they respect me enough to let me do what I do.
Am I being rebellious and unfilial in doing this? Am I being a bad daughter by being actually happy I am living this life, yet doing a lot of things behind my parent's backs? Am I such a mean person that my happiness becomes the sadness of my parents?
My cousin said she had no idea how her mum got to know about my blog, because as far as she is concerned, her mum is computer illiterate, so will not even bother using the computer. And I do not believe my other cousins will tell her because they have promised to keep whatever they read a secret.
So it is a mystery how she got to read what I wrote. I do not think she will get me into trouble, she is just concerned about my welfare. But with the minuscule possibility of my parents ever knowing, I will face the consequences because I am responsible for my own actions.
I will not regret anything I do. The only thing I am worried about is if my parents really get to know, I will land my guy in deep water, and I really do not wish him to get involved, even though he has promised to stand by me no matter what happens.
I may sound really bad, but if ask to make a choice now between my guy and my parents, I will choose him, because he is the one that taught me how to truly love a person, and he is the one that has given me all the happiness in the world, something nobody, not even my parents, had ever achieved.
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