I always have to swallow it whenever my mum said I am not a "decent" enough girl. In her opinion, a "decent" girl does not wear anything revealing to expose herself all over (ie no halter tops, tube tops, mini-skirts, shorts, halter dress, tube dress, anything strapless or backless, she draws the line at tank tops and spaghetti straps).
A "decent" girl also does not stay out until all hours of the morning (I do not do that everyday, only once in a blue moon!), does not go clubbing, smoking, drinking, flirting, nor change boyfriend like how she changes her clothes (hey, not my fault if the guys dump me ok? And it is not as if I have a different boyfriend every year or every month or everyday!), does not go out with different guys all the time (is it a crime to have many guy friends?!), does not go to her boyfriend's place, nor always do so much for the guy (then how to show my love?), does not have a rendezvous with a guy at a late hour in the night, and of course, does not give herself totally to the guy before marriage.
In other words, if I abide by her rules of how a "decent" girl should behave, I may as well take the vow of celibacy and be a nun in a convent, always dress in long sleeves and high collars like the Puritans of old, not even talk to any guy or have any guy friends, and live a life of purity and chastity.
What is so indecent with the way I lead my life? I do not smoke, do not drink (ok, the occasional champagne or cocktail for celebrations), do not gamble or buy numbers, uphold my own body and integrity, do not solicit clients, do not sleep around, do not cheat my way through life, and do not go for guys who are gangsters or who behave so wildly or uncouth.
Alright, I do club occasionally, very occasionally, but is it wrong? I have friends who go clubbing every weekend, and every Ladies Night. I do watch midnight movies and come back late, but is it wrong? Not like I stay out until the wee hours of the morning everyday.
If I cannot stay out late sometimes, how does she expect me to have a balanced social life, especially since some of my friends are owls and like to go out for a light meal or drinks once in a while?
I used to go to my boyfriend's place all the time, but is there anything wrong with that? Not like I was cohabiting with him or sleeping around with others. I do a lot for my guys, but is there anything wrong too? How can I claim I love the guy if I am not willing to do anything for him?
She was not approving of that, as she said it is cheap for a girl to always go and find the guy. If the guy truly loved and respected me, he should come and find me instead. And it is also cheap for the girl to pay for the guy and let him use my money.
She was the one who told me people have to give and take, not one person taking all the time or the other person giving all the time. So I adhered to what she told me, and she was not happy as well.
Although I get what she means now. It is truly a blessing if the guy is willing to do more for you. But even then, does it mean I should not do anything as well? Of course not! Relationships are all about giving and taking, there should not be any calculation who gives more if you truly love each other.
Then what about dressing? If I adhered to what she told me, I would be the most frumpy-looking girl on earth. Hey, this is the tropics! We have an average temperature of twenty-eight degree celsius throughout the year! I will melt if I have to wear long-sleeved tops and bottoms all the time!
I already have to adhere to a dress code at work. Cut me some slack especially during weekends! If I choose to dress sexy or revealing, is there anything wrong? Most girls who like to look good like to wear like this. And I do not believe I am that poor a dresser anyway.
Overall, I feel that whether one is decent or indecent depends on the overall behaviour and attitude, not the way she dresses or the things she does. Sometimes I really wish she can just give me a break and stop telling me how indecent I am just because I did certain things. Am I really that indecent anyway just because I did all those things?
A "decent" girl also does not stay out until all hours of the morning (I do not do that everyday, only once in a blue moon!), does not go clubbing, smoking, drinking, flirting, nor change boyfriend like how she changes her clothes (hey, not my fault if the guys dump me ok? And it is not as if I have a different boyfriend every year or every month or everyday!), does not go out with different guys all the time (is it a crime to have many guy friends?!), does not go to her boyfriend's place, nor always do so much for the guy (then how to show my love?), does not have a rendezvous with a guy at a late hour in the night, and of course, does not give herself totally to the guy before marriage.
In other words, if I abide by her rules of how a "decent" girl should behave, I may as well take the vow of celibacy and be a nun in a convent, always dress in long sleeves and high collars like the Puritans of old, not even talk to any guy or have any guy friends, and live a life of purity and chastity.
What is so indecent with the way I lead my life? I do not smoke, do not drink (ok, the occasional champagne or cocktail for celebrations), do not gamble or buy numbers, uphold my own body and integrity, do not solicit clients, do not sleep around, do not cheat my way through life, and do not go for guys who are gangsters or who behave so wildly or uncouth.
Alright, I do club occasionally, very occasionally, but is it wrong? I have friends who go clubbing every weekend, and every Ladies Night. I do watch midnight movies and come back late, but is it wrong? Not like I stay out until the wee hours of the morning everyday.
If I cannot stay out late sometimes, how does she expect me to have a balanced social life, especially since some of my friends are owls and like to go out for a light meal or drinks once in a while?
I used to go to my boyfriend's place all the time, but is there anything wrong with that? Not like I was cohabiting with him or sleeping around with others. I do a lot for my guys, but is there anything wrong too? How can I claim I love the guy if I am not willing to do anything for him?
She was not approving of that, as she said it is cheap for a girl to always go and find the guy. If the guy truly loved and respected me, he should come and find me instead. And it is also cheap for the girl to pay for the guy and let him use my money.
She was the one who told me people have to give and take, not one person taking all the time or the other person giving all the time. So I adhered to what she told me, and she was not happy as well.
Although I get what she means now. It is truly a blessing if the guy is willing to do more for you. But even then, does it mean I should not do anything as well? Of course not! Relationships are all about giving and taking, there should not be any calculation who gives more if you truly love each other.
Then what about dressing? If I adhered to what she told me, I would be the most frumpy-looking girl on earth. Hey, this is the tropics! We have an average temperature of twenty-eight degree celsius throughout the year! I will melt if I have to wear long-sleeved tops and bottoms all the time!
I already have to adhere to a dress code at work. Cut me some slack especially during weekends! If I choose to dress sexy or revealing, is there anything wrong? Most girls who like to look good like to wear like this. And I do not believe I am that poor a dresser anyway.
Overall, I feel that whether one is decent or indecent depends on the overall behaviour and attitude, not the way she dresses or the things she does. Sometimes I really wish she can just give me a break and stop telling me how indecent I am just because I did certain things. Am I really that indecent anyway just because I did all those things?
5 comments:
Tell your mom that anymore "decent" and you'll remain a spinster. You're almost 30 and it's probably her fault that you're not married. See what she says :P
One of the most valuable things you have is your reputation. It is something that is hard to get and very easy to destroy.
In some cases, there are arbitrary rules designated for what it right and what it wrong (like, until recently, chewing gum in Singapore).
Your mother wants you to have a good reputation, she wants you to be happy, she wants you to believe in yourself - to know that you are a precious pearl of great value.
All too often, women give sex in exchange for the illusion of affection. All too often, men take by force what they find desirable.
The real question to ask, is this moral, immoral, or indifferent?
There is usually some truth in the rules which are proscribed. The difficulty lie in extracting the cause and intent of the rules from the form and atrophication of the rules.
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If I am correct, today, you are going to be baptized.
May you find peace and new life in your rebirth as a child of Christ. May you walk always in the true light.
And ... of course ... congratulations!
(If I am wrong, then it will be tomorrow morning)
Though I cannot truly understand how you are going through, I hope that you have the perserverance. I usually think that such things happen because of the lack of trust between both parties. I think your mother must have been too skeptical towards your behaviour. Perhaps maybe if you were to show outwardly and blatantly that you are fully responsibile for yourself, it make just make some leeway?
Just my 2 cents.
leecooper : Tried that, she kept saying because I have not found the right guy.
Richard : Thank you!
Goy : She trusts me to do what i want actually. Except she always feels that a girl must adhere to a certain behaviour, which I think it's quite ridiculous because which girl really behaves like how she thinks nowadays? Anyway for myself, as long as I know what I'm doing, don't smoke or take drugs or get drunk or fool around or what not, I think the way I live my life is pretty alright.
Another example of generation gap, that is all this is about.
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