Nowadays I seem to be reflecting on a lot of things. I do not even know what is right or wrong anymore. I always pride myself in having my own principles in life, but now I wonder have I lived wrongly? Are my views wrong?
I used to be very against extra-marital affairs. Ok, I am still against it. I feel that if a guy or girl is married or attached, he / she is taken, so there should not be anymore pursuers. But then, some people can go all out to get the person he / she likes, whether the person is married or attached or not. So often, it is up to us whether to fall into temptation.
For me, once I am attached, other guys do not stand a chance anymore. My entire eyes and heart is only for my guy. But often in the past, it was the guy(s) who tended to stray. Thus, I emphasise a lot on fidelity and loyalty because I do the same thing.
However, sometimes, the situation may not be what it seems. If our needs are not fulfilled, will we be happy if we stay on in the relationship? Would anyone want a partner who is never there for him / her, who is always abusive, who has no time at all?
No doubt having an affair is wrong, especially if you have a healthy happy relationship and yet still want to fool around, but what if you are unhappy in the first place? For couples who are attached, it is easier for them as they can just break up.
The complication arise if it is a married couple. Every married person will tell you how hard it is to sustain a marriage. Heck, it is already so hard sustaining a relationship, let alone a marriage. At times, it is inevitable that cracks appear in the marriage after a while.
How many cases are there of separation and divorce? Simply because the love is no longer there. Why is the love no longer there? Because the couple in question is not willing to work things out, grow together and keep the love alive.
However, many couples choose to live apart under one roof. They will still stay together, take care of their children, but lead totally separate lives. They sleep in separate rooms, do not communicate, like strangers living under one roof.
When this happens, one party or both will start to look for someone else. I will not comment on whether this is right or wrong, since people may choose not to officially divorce because of the kids, but I guess in a situation like this, it may be more forgiveable if the guy or girl or both start having other loves of their own.
Of course, it is wrong for someone to deliberately break up a happy marriage, although some people say that if you really love someone, you will go all out to get who you want, whether the person is attached or married.
But if the marriage is good and you happen to be the third party, that is the most complicated situation to ever be in. Afterall, you will cause the misery of not just the one you love, but his / her entire family as well.
If you really love a person, will you really want him / her to be in such a miserable state? If the marriage is already on the rocks, or if the couple is already separated or undergoing divorce proceedings, then that is a different story altogether.
Besides this issue, I have also been thinking if it is really wrong to have a baby out of wedlock? Not counting those who got raped or indulged in pre-marital sex only to get dumped and then realised they were pregnant but decided to have the baby anyway, what about those couples in a relationship, but still have no intention of getting married?
Afterall, in a lot of countries, couples cohabit, form domestic partnerships, have a few kids, raise the kids together yet never marry. I guess in our local society, this is still a no-no. The child will be considered illegitimate, and not entitled to the father's surname or the normal priviledges as a citizen as long as the parents are not married.
But is it wrong to have a baby, be it whether a couple is married? What about women who do not intend to get a husband, but still wish to have a kid anyway? Does it mean a single woman can never be a mother?
What if one day my maternal instincts just kick off and I decide to have a baby, no matter what my status is? Personally, whether people want to have kids is their own business (although I always think it is so much more joyful to have kids), so even if I want to be a mother without being a wife, does it really matter?
Of course I know the implications if I really do get pregnant. My parents will disown me, my entire family will shun me, I will have no one to turn to, I will probably lose my job since there will be no maternity or childcare leave priviledges for single unmarried mothers and I will then have no financial ability to have the child.
Besides, taking care and raising a kid is no small matter. There have been women who suffer depressions after childbirth, even with their husbands' and family's support. And eveyone chips in to take care of the kid. Is that a wonder why kids nowadays are so spoilt, since they have at least four adults to fuss over them since the day they were born?
But even married couples with help and support find it a struggle to take care of a kid, I can imagine just how much more terrible it will be for a single mother, who probably loses her whole family just to have the child. She will really have no one to turn to and will be all on her own.
It is not just a matter of getting pregnant and going through with the birth process, because the real test is after the birth. Thus, a pregnancy and childbirth really do last a lifetime, because a parent's work will never be complete.
Honestly, I have entertained the idea of getting myself pregnant. Even if I do not get married, I will like a kid of my own. But right now, I do not think I have the courage to face the ordeal of being a single unmarried mother, not to mention the wrath my parents will incur.
But is it wrong if I want to have a child of my own, even if I am unmarried?
I used to be very against extra-marital affairs. Ok, I am still against it. I feel that if a guy or girl is married or attached, he / she is taken, so there should not be anymore pursuers. But then, some people can go all out to get the person he / she likes, whether the person is married or attached or not. So often, it is up to us whether to fall into temptation.
For me, once I am attached, other guys do not stand a chance anymore. My entire eyes and heart is only for my guy. But often in the past, it was the guy(s) who tended to stray. Thus, I emphasise a lot on fidelity and loyalty because I do the same thing.
However, sometimes, the situation may not be what it seems. If our needs are not fulfilled, will we be happy if we stay on in the relationship? Would anyone want a partner who is never there for him / her, who is always abusive, who has no time at all?
No doubt having an affair is wrong, especially if you have a healthy happy relationship and yet still want to fool around, but what if you are unhappy in the first place? For couples who are attached, it is easier for them as they can just break up.
The complication arise if it is a married couple. Every married person will tell you how hard it is to sustain a marriage. Heck, it is already so hard sustaining a relationship, let alone a marriage. At times, it is inevitable that cracks appear in the marriage after a while.
How many cases are there of separation and divorce? Simply because the love is no longer there. Why is the love no longer there? Because the couple in question is not willing to work things out, grow together and keep the love alive.
However, many couples choose to live apart under one roof. They will still stay together, take care of their children, but lead totally separate lives. They sleep in separate rooms, do not communicate, like strangers living under one roof.
When this happens, one party or both will start to look for someone else. I will not comment on whether this is right or wrong, since people may choose not to officially divorce because of the kids, but I guess in a situation like this, it may be more forgiveable if the guy or girl or both start having other loves of their own.
Of course, it is wrong for someone to deliberately break up a happy marriage, although some people say that if you really love someone, you will go all out to get who you want, whether the person is attached or married.
But if the marriage is good and you happen to be the third party, that is the most complicated situation to ever be in. Afterall, you will cause the misery of not just the one you love, but his / her entire family as well.
If you really love a person, will you really want him / her to be in such a miserable state? If the marriage is already on the rocks, or if the couple is already separated or undergoing divorce proceedings, then that is a different story altogether.
Besides this issue, I have also been thinking if it is really wrong to have a baby out of wedlock? Not counting those who got raped or indulged in pre-marital sex only to get dumped and then realised they were pregnant but decided to have the baby anyway, what about those couples in a relationship, but still have no intention of getting married?
Afterall, in a lot of countries, couples cohabit, form domestic partnerships, have a few kids, raise the kids together yet never marry. I guess in our local society, this is still a no-no. The child will be considered illegitimate, and not entitled to the father's surname or the normal priviledges as a citizen as long as the parents are not married.
But is it wrong to have a baby, be it whether a couple is married? What about women who do not intend to get a husband, but still wish to have a kid anyway? Does it mean a single woman can never be a mother?
What if one day my maternal instincts just kick off and I decide to have a baby, no matter what my status is? Personally, whether people want to have kids is their own business (although I always think it is so much more joyful to have kids), so even if I want to be a mother without being a wife, does it really matter?
Of course I know the implications if I really do get pregnant. My parents will disown me, my entire family will shun me, I will have no one to turn to, I will probably lose my job since there will be no maternity or childcare leave priviledges for single unmarried mothers and I will then have no financial ability to have the child.
Besides, taking care and raising a kid is no small matter. There have been women who suffer depressions after childbirth, even with their husbands' and family's support. And eveyone chips in to take care of the kid. Is that a wonder why kids nowadays are so spoilt, since they have at least four adults to fuss over them since the day they were born?
But even married couples with help and support find it a struggle to take care of a kid, I can imagine just how much more terrible it will be for a single mother, who probably loses her whole family just to have the child. She will really have no one to turn to and will be all on her own.
It is not just a matter of getting pregnant and going through with the birth process, because the real test is after the birth. Thus, a pregnancy and childbirth really do last a lifetime, because a parent's work will never be complete.
Honestly, I have entertained the idea of getting myself pregnant. Even if I do not get married, I will like a kid of my own. But right now, I do not think I have the courage to face the ordeal of being a single unmarried mother, not to mention the wrath my parents will incur.
But is it wrong if I want to have a child of my own, even if I am unmarried?
7 comments:
In addition to how we feel, we also have to remember that the world and the universe is much bigger than just "me".
If our focus is on ourselves, then we are selfish. We have responsibilities and obligations. Some are legitimate, some are imposed.
Someone who has married has (if religiously married) sworn an oath of fidelity before God (for me civil marriage is no different from cohabitation).
A married person has an obligation and responsibility to maintain that relationship. Marriage is not 50-50. It is 100-100. Because there are going to be days when one or the other will fall short. If they are only giving 50-50, then there will be many days when they are apart. If they both give 100-100, then even if they fall short, there will still be overlap.
As for having children out of wedlock: a child is not an object, a possession or acquisition – which is how they seem to be treated. We do not say, now I have a car, a house, a good salary, nice furniture, so I will add a child to my possessions (and then hand it to someone else for care 2 months after birth because the career is more important).
Yes, children can grow up well in a single family home. But, it is better for them to grow up in a two parent home.
The problem is that we know what the ideal is, yet we always seem to be willing to settle for less. People are in abusive and unhappy relationships. Why? Because they were willingly bind? Hoped they could change the person? Thought it was better than nothing?
I think striving towards human excellence is essential – especially in the face of so many who do not and seemingly live lives of selfish indulgence.
Your questions are not unique, I have had them myself, why to bother being a moral person when the rest of the world seems so amoral or immoral (even the hierarchy of the church can be bogged down in petty squabbles over temporal matters, or engaged in legalistic chicanery).
Searching for truth is lonely.
Take care.
Despite stories about the pain and sacrifices of getting pregnant and giving birth, that is the easy part. (Any fertile female can have a baby.)
Taking care of him/her afterwards is the real challenge. (Not everyone is a good parent)
hmm...it's not wrong per se to have a kid out of wedlock.
hollywood is doing it. but singapore won't. BECAUSE society says so.
at any rate, stack up the mountain of odds against you as a single unwed mother in singapore. i'm fairly certain you'll reconsider your decision to have the child.
I think it'll be inevitable that the world will be filled with women who are single mothers by choice. Having kids is a maternal instinct. Much like the other cravings that human have, it’s an indulgence that requires much more commitment and effort. It’s sad to hear this coming from a guy but husbands are not as reliable as they use to be. That goes the same for marriage too.
I still think that extra martial affairs are wrong but I’ve become more sympathetic towards the 3rd party. I learned that it is wrong to judge a person without understanding the story behind. A good friend who was a 3rd party put it simply as her right to fight for her happiness and give happiness in return.
I guess alot of time...the perception of right vs wrong is always subjective. One can never be sure.
Marriage to me is blissful but yet a risk. You just can't forsee what's going to happen in the future...but if u never take the risk..U'd never noe?=)
Apart from what others may say, why do we have faith in a certain religion? It is because human has inner longing to know the truth about its existence.
When we do have the faith, then we know where and who to turn to every second in our life. For Christian, the bible is where we can find everything we want to know about life. Who we turn to? It's so obvious.
Nowadays I seem to be reflecting on a lot of things. I do not even know what is right or wrong anymore. I always pride myself in having my own principles in life, but now I wonder have I lived wrongly? Are my views wrong?
While meditating last night, it occurred to me that as a newly baptized member of the Christian community, you would be under increasing attack by the devil. Cleansed of your sins, entered into the body of Christ, you are still a child, fragile and weak, not having yet received the gifts of the Holy Spirit. And even after you do receive them, you will still be young and inexperienced. It will take time for you to become battle hardened.
I have not known you long (actually, I don’t know you at all – just been reading your blog for the past 3-4 weeks or so), but it seems to me that your doubts, fears questions, morality, have been increasing as you approached the date of baptism. And now, you write " I do not even know what is right or wrong anymore.".
Would this not be consistent with the tactics of the prince of lies?
Do you remember the questions asked you at your baptism?
Do you reject sin, so as to live in the freedom of God's Children?
Do you reject the glamour of evil, and refuse to be mastered by sin?
Do you reject Satan, father of sin and prince of darkness?
Do you believe in God, the Father almighty, creator of heaven and earth?
Do you believe in Jesus Christ, his only Son, our Lord, who was born of the Virgin Mary, was crucified, died, and was buried, rose from the dead, and is now seated at the right had of the Father?
Do you believe in the Holy Spirit, the holy catholic Church, the communion of saints, the forgiveness of sins, the resurrection of the body, and life everlasting?
Make this your prayer and replace the "Do you" with "I".
I reject sin, so as to live in the freedom of God's children.
I reject the glamour of evil, and refuse to be mastered by sin.
I reject Satan, father of sin and prince of darkness.
I believe in God, the Father almighty, creator of heaven and earth.
I believe in Jesus Christ, his only Son, our Lord, who was born of the Virgin Mary, was crucified, died, and was buried, rose from the dead, and is now seated at the right had of the Father.
I believe in the Holy Spirit, the holy catholic Church, the communion of saints, the forgiveness of sins, the resurrection of the body, and life everlasting.
Satan hates for a soul to be turned from him towards the light.
Peace be with you.
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