An Ideal Husband

"A husband is only ideal in the eyes of his wife; he can be the least perfect and flawless man, but the most ideal to his wife, because his wife loves him, with all her heart." And this is what I gather from the infamous Oscar Wilde when he wrote this play. (The preceding statement is my own interpretation, not to be found anywhere in the play.)

This came about when I was having a discussion with a girl friend last night. She was accusing me of being too choosy, to which I explained to her my reasons for being so. Then she got me thinking with this question, "Do you think there is an ideal husband? What will I consider as an ideal husband?"

I must say, she got me stumped for a while. I have the criteria for an ideal boyfriend, an ideal relationship, but somehow never got to really thinking what an ideal husband will be like. So she got me thinking on what I consider as an ideal husband. Actually what I consider as an ideal boyfriend can also be used on what I consider as an ideal husband, but an ideal husband will have a bit more criteria to fulfill of course.

In that case, what will I consider as an ideal husband? An ideal husband need not be the most perfect man. He can be the most imperfect man with the most faults, but yet he will be the most perfect to me, because he will be the one who loves me and the one whom I love, with all our hearts.

Honestly, if I am to really state down what I look for in a man, it will probably turn a lot of people off. Realistically speaking, I do not expect to find someone that can fit into every category I look for. Maybe I am choosy.

But then I am not the type to go for someone drop dead gorgeous, nor someone tall, dark and handsome, or even someone who is the heir to some business empire and have oodles of cash without needing to work. All I am looking for is someone with smarts and vast knowledge and who can converse with and relate to me on the right frequency, with none of the vices.

So what will I consider as the ideal man for me? He is someone of good character and upbringing, who does not smoke, drink (light drinking is ok), gamble, flirt or womanise. He is someone who is filial and respectful to his parents, family and friends, and nice and respectful to mine. In other words, a traditional and conservative man.

He is a gentleman who exercises good self-control who will keep his hands to himself and treat me with the utmost respect. He will see me home at night after a date, and offers to pay (although of course we take turns to pay when going out) and carry any bags or packages for me.

He is responsible and focused in his work, and have the attitude to lifelong learning, be it academic, personal or social. He is bilingual (or more) and able to converse, speak, read and write effectively and articulately in two languages.

Why is this important? Because whether a person gives me a good impression is the way he speaks (or writes). Someone with a good deal of smarts will be able to write good English with a good sentencing structure and no grammatical or spelling errors, and able to speak articulately and fluently.

Comparatively, someone who can only give one or two word answers and not able to understand what I say probably does not have that much substance in them in the first place. Okay, I am generalising and stereotyping here, I believe there are always exceptions, except so far, my experience tells me that to distinguish between someone who is of a higher calibre is from the way he / she speaks and writes.

Religion wise, it will be good if he shares the same religion, be it Catholic or Christian of another denomination. And he will be one who prefers the traditional type of service rather than the charismatic type. We can share biblical teachings with each other and grow in love and religion together.

Attitude and values wise, he has the thirst for knowledge and upgrading, willing to learn as many things in life as possible, willing to pursue higher education and not be stuck as it is. A graduate will be good, but even if he is not, he should at least have the attitude and inclination to upgrade instead of being stuck in a rut.

Interests wise, it will be good if he likes to watch movies, listen to music ranging from classical to slow rock to pop to jazz to country to retro to new age, including opera and Mando pop. Playing one or more musical instruments is an added advantage!

He can understand and relate if I talk about Jacky Cheung or Chopin or Beethoven or Trademark or Abba. An added advantage if he is well-read and we can converse about books on English and Chinese literature, but even if he is not an avid reader, he can at least understand when I talk about Shakespeare or Journey to the West or the Condor Hero or The Little Prince or Sophie's World.

He is one who appreciates art and culture, who does not mind going to plays, theatres, musicals, concerts and gives opinions on art, sculpture and poetry. He sings (karaoke singing will do, does not have to be classical or gospel singing) and dances (ballroom, latin, etc), and willing to indulge in all kinds of musical and dance experience.

He is one with a flair for words and a vast range of vocabulary. Able to write touching love letters and poetry is an added advantage! Or else just playing with words, creating anagrams and exercising the brains on challenging games will do.

He need not be a computer geek or technology nut, but he can understand when I make comparisons of different laptops, PDAs, MP3 players and mobile phones, and know the difference between XP and Vista.

It will be good if he cares about the environment too, and believes in saving paper and recycling. He should not be a spendthrift, neither should he be a miser. He need not buy expensive gifts for me or pay for my shopping expenses, but at least he is not too calculative over how he spends his money.

In other words, dining in restaurants once in a while, or having tea at coffee joints will be good, instead of always just the same simple hawker fare and cooking at home. Variety is the spice of life, and it will be good to do different things instead of being so routine all the time.

Looks wise, my ideal height will be someone from 1.75m to 1.84m, but I am not particular about height and weight so long as he is not shorter than me (but then again, I do not think any guy can ever be shorter than me), and he is not overweight. He does not need to have a slim or lean or muscular athletic body shape. A medium body will do.

And he does not need to have the face that turns a thousand heads, just someone with a relatively clear skin, have good grooming habits and knows how to dress to look neat, tidy, clean-cut and presentable.

He should know how to cycle, bowl and play pool, as well as tennis and squash. Even if he does not, he should at least have the interest and be open-minded in going with me to play tennis and squash, and the occasional bowling and pool. Having the interest to take up yoga and pilates will be good too!

Knowing how to drive and having a car is an added bonus, but even if he does not, we can always take public transport, but he should be gentlemanly enough to see me back home at least. Not to mention offering seats to the elderly and pregnant ladies without any prompts. Understanding and being able to relate to me when I rattle on about cars and road tests is an added advantage too!

He is one who is an avid traveller. He will like to explore the world and immerse in the culture and history of the place. He prefers to travel to explore, rather than shop, sleep and go high class all the way. And we can engage in numerous intellectual debates over countries, sights and the beautiful scenery. Being a good photographer is an added advantage, but even if he is not it does not matter as one photographer is good enough!

At home, he is one who is willing to share the housework. Knowing how to cook and bake is an advantage, but even if he does not, he should help out around the house, and not just laze around and expect others to do everything and serve him.

He knows how to take care of me, makes me feel loved, handle my mood swings and be a pillar of support in what I do for myself, for both of us and the family. He will be a wonderful husband and father, a good and responsible care-giver to me and the kids through ups and downs. And he will continue dating me even after we have kids, even after we grow old, as he will be a companion and partner for life.

So there, this is what I consider an ideal husband. Really too unrealistic? The fact is that in this not too long life I have, I have come across two (three actually) who fits into almost every category I set up above. Of course, none are so perfect that they really have everything I look for, but it is an encouragement indeed if I have come across people almost there.

But hoping for an ideal husband should not be just one-sided. I must ensure I can be the ideal wife to him too, to do the things for him which I wish him to do for me, to be there for him and a pillar of support, to understand him and be his companion and partner. An ideal husband will not suffice if I do not play the part of an ideal wife.

Thus I will continue searching and having high hopes. Until the day I found my ideal husband, which I truly believe he is somewhere, somehow, waiting. After all I do believe dreams will come true, and perhaps my dream may just come true soon!

[Addendum : I forgot to add two important teeny details - the guy must be a dog-lover! Or an animal lover in general. He must also love babies and children. If a person is kind to animals and children, he is probably not that bad a person in the first place! :-p]

Lessons From A Matchmaker ....

I came across a very inspiring and enlightening article. Coming from a matchmaker and relationship coach, her words really hold true. In fact, I agree with everything she said, which is why I have my own criteria in choosing the person whom I will ultimately end up with for life.

As I have mentioned before, marriage is for life. Do not plunge in if you do not mean to honour your marriage vows and stay faithful and true to each other, being each other's companions and partners.

And for that, I am at least happy that I have the right values when it comes to relationship and marriage, so I can start off on the right track if and when I ever enter another relationship, which will be my last.

I Want A Beautiful Love!

What Love are you Fated for?

You want a Beautiful love, soft but passionate. You are probably very old fashioned and polite. You can't stand rude people, wolf whistles are to you only dis-respective and immature. You love nature and everything beautiful in life. You will fall for a guy that makes you forget about the rest of the world. Take this quiz!

Awwww..... very true indeed! And how great it will be if this really comes true!

Dog Logic

Received a very cute email, perfect for a dog-lover like me. The quotes are so true!

1. The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue. -Anonymous

2. There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. -Ben Williams

3. A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself. -Josh Billings

4. The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. -Andy Rooney

5. Dogs love their friends & bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love & always have to mix love & hate. -Anonymous

6. Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog. -Franklin P. Jones

7. If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise . -Unknown

8. My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money. -Joe Weinstein

9. Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. -Robert A. Heinlein

10. If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man. -Mark Twain

11. Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. -Roger Caras

12. If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them. -Phil Pastoret

I hope you enjoy the pictures as much as I do!

Da Vinci In Town

I was supposed to meet that guy in Da Vinci Italian Restaurant somewhere in town. That restaurant is shared by a Mexican Restaurant, so it serves both Italian and Mexican food. The place is owned by Indians, with Indian waiters and chefs, but the food is not too bad, although the servings are a bit too large for me. Ever since I lost some weight, my food intake has decreased.

The restaurant is a small cosy place with just a few tables. Honestly, if I was not told to go there, I would never have known this place exists, because it is such a small place that people tend to miss it even if they pass by it.

The interior of the restaurant is dim and cosy, with a romantic aura around. There is hardly any lights, and the table is lit up by candlelight. Really a perfect place to go for a candlelight dinner with a special someone!

There is a huge portrait of the Mona Lisa hanging on the wall inside the restaurant. There are also framed pictures of Da Vinci's other works, like The Virgin and Child with St Anne, Leda and the Swan, Virgin of the Rocks and the infamous Vitruvian Man of course.

The restaurant itself is a good conversation topic. Afterall, Da Vinci's works are classics! One can talk about the Mona Lisa, and the other portraits, and the Da Vinci Code, but unfortunately, my date was clueless about any of these. He even asked me if the Mona Lisa's portrait is real, to which I answered "No, the real one is at the Louvre Museum in France", and for that, I had to explain what the Louvre Museum is and what it contains.

The service is good too. Prompt, efficient and polite. At least I get to know a new dining place which I would otherwise not have discovered. I will not mind going there again, hopefully with someone special, then we can get to enjoy the ambience to the fullest.

Another Bad Date!

I went on another date last night recommended by Exclusive Match, and it was not much better than the one a few days ago. At least this time the guy is nicer, more gentle and caring, but still, I did not have a good first impression.

We were supposed to meet at an Italian restaurant in town, so I wore a white sleeveless dress with heels and makeup. For a first date, especially in a restaurant in town, it is better to be a bit more over-dressed than under-dressed. A pity not many people realise that.

He was late for fifteen minutes. The agent gave him my number (with my permission) before the date, and he sent me a greeting in the morning, so there was no excuse for not informing if he was going to be late!

I could have contacted him since I have his number, but did not as I figured why should I be the one to ask if he was not even courteous enough to say if he was going to be held up? Sometimes we girls have to exercise some restraint so as not to appear "too eager".

Secondly, he is another bad dresser. Okay, I am biased, but I prefer guys who know how to dress at least. That does not mean they have to wear formally all the time, but at least they should know what looks good on them and what does not, and how to mix and match and appear clean-cut, even in casual wear.

The restaurant we were sent to has a cosy, romantic ambience to it. But he came in jeans and a shirt that totally does not look good on him! Even if he had not been to the place before, at least for a first date, let alone a blind date, he should be a bit more dressy. In fact, when I saw him outside the restaurant looking in, my heart was saying, "Please don't let it be him", but well.. my wishes never come true.

I am not saying that this guy is not good. He is rather gentle and soft-spoken, but somehow we do not seem to have common conversation topics. The things I say he could not relate, and I ended up having to explain myself. The things he say I could not relate, and I was making a big effort not to appear too bored.

He was talking about his army life and his church retreats. I never minded anyone sharing religion with me, but I felt like I was attending a sermon all over again! He spent a large part of the date talking about the church retreats and activities he is involved in. Pretty interesting at first, but after the first hour, I was hoping he could change a topic because there are so many other things to talk about besides just religion!

A date should make a person feel comfortable and at ease, but somehow with this guy, it felt like such a chore sitting through dinner and the conversation that it was a relief when it finally ended. He asked me to go for mass with him the following week, but I have yet to reply.

So my conclusion is that it is not a good date. I did not enjoy myself at all. If I am to meet someone again, even as a friend, I must be able to enjoy his / her company in the first place, and not get bored with him / her.

I will not mind meeting someone again only if I had a great time after the first meeting, otherwise the rest will be probably kept at acquaintance level the most. Afterall, with everyone being so busy, we should be more selective who to hang out with.

Making Our Time Worthwhile

I realise that I am a tad mean in my previous post. I think I have changed, because people do change, and not many are willing to adapt to changes. I do not mean a drastic change in character or interests; essentially I believe I am still the same, but at the same time I have become more guarded and careful in dealing with people.

Just as much as one year ago or so, I will have no qualms giving my all to sustain a relationship, or welcoming strangers to chat with me in cyberspace, albeit with topics I am not comfortable about. In the past, I welcome anyone to know me, without reservations.

Perhaps after going through heartaches and fending off cyber perverts, I have become more guarded. I do not let my emotions sway so easily anymore. Now I know how to fight for my own rights, who to be good to, who is not worth my time.

Of course I am not indicating that I treat people nice only when they treat me nicely. I believe in treating everyone nicely. But at the same time, if I find out that the person is not worth my time or energy treating him / her nicely, then why must I be the one doing so much only to be disappointed?

I rather spend the time and energy for others more worth it. For instance, if I tell off a person not to talk dirty to me, and he still does the same thing, instead of getting myself so frustrated and irritated, I can just ignore him and save myself all the hassle. Who is he to me that I must respond everything he says?

Or for instance, if someone has disappointed me too much, has lied to me again and again, why must I then continue being so nice to him when in the end all I get is disappointment more than hope and appreciation? I am not going to let anyone else take me for granted ever again!

Sorry if my previous post offend some people, but I no longer believe in doing so much for someone who is no longer worth my time. I rather spend my time and energy on those who really need me and appreciate me, like my best friend for instance, or my other friends. I can do just a fraction of what I have done for some others, yet the rewards are much more abundant.

I am not being nice to people just to have a reward. All I am saying is that sometimes in life, there are some people more worth our time and some are simply not worth it. So instead of doing so much for people who are simply not worth it, we may as well channel the same amount of time and energy on people who are worth it. These are the people who are more deserving of us doing so much more for them, even without anything back.

A Mistake Made

I made a mistake yesterday. I summed up whatever courage I have to be more thick-skinned to ask for something back from someone. And it gave me more frustration instead. By right, I am normally not so cheapskate because a gift is a gift, and I am against people who ask for gifts back.

The thing is that, I did not ask for the gift back. It is something very expensive, which I gave it out of love to someone who never loved me in the first place, to someone not worth it, and yet I am still paying the instalments for it. So I figured, yes, the gift had been given, but why should I continue paying the instalments?

Thus I asked for the money back. I will never ask for what I gave away back, but because it is a very expensive item and I am still paying through my nose, I have no obligation to continue paying, so would I be doing anything wrong to ask for the money back?

All the more so since I blew quite a huge sum on my recent trip, and my course fees are due in a couple of months, so I do appreciate a bit more cash at hand for the moment. I know I am being really cheapskate here, but at times I have to prioritise what is more important, and in this case, my "face" (or skin) is at a lower priority.

Which reminds me that the birthday gift I got for someone's upcoming birthday is also a lost cause. Since he did not even wish me happy birthday (when some of my other friends actually did), why should I then be the one to buy him a birthday gift and celebrate his birthday when it clearly shows that I am no longer important to him even as a friend to even warrant a birthday greeting?

Anyway the reason I was feeling so frustrated was because the way that conversation was going after I asked for my money back. He told me he is finally separated, and that he still loves me a lot. But frankly speaking, I no longer know what is true and what is not. I no longer believe a word he says.

He said the reason he did what he did was because he wanted me to leave, to find someone better, because I am so much better than him, he felt so inferior being with me. So does that mean it is my fault then? That he had to be oh so noble to let me go and find someone better, when he was so possessive that he did not even allow me to meet other guys while I was sort of with him?

I have enough of all his excuses and lies. Does he really think he can finally make me give up, then in the end still come running back to him because of some excuses? If he really loves me as he claims, and really want to be with me, it will not be just lip service, it will be actions.

I do a lot of things mainly because I believe action speaks louder than words. It is no use just saying so much if nothing is done, or promises are not kept. A real serious committed person will let his actions do the talking, rather than flowery speeches.

But anyway, why must I get so frustrated for? I only have myself to blame. Some mistakes are not so easily rectified. Some people come into our lives as blemishes, and having made that mistake, I will have to live with it, probably for the rest of my life, as a reminder of one of the biggest mistakes I ever made and never to make the same mistake again.

Not A Nice Date

I went on a date last night, arranged by It's Just Lunch. It was my twelfth date with the agency, so by right I have completed the stipulated number of dates and can choose to terminate my membership. Anyway, since I have signed up for Lunch Actually and Exclusive Match, it should not be that big a problem even if I terminate my membership at It's Just Lunch.

Honestly, my experience at It's Just Lunch is not really that impressive. Perhaps some people were really lucky to be able to find their other halves through the agency, but from my experience, I feel that the agency is more concerned about its members meeting the number of stipulated dates as stated, rather than really finding a good match.

I am not saying that they did not do a good job; I believe they did. But I feel they should have put in more effort to consider whether two people really have the potential chemistry and compatibility before sending them to meet each other, instead of just picking anyone out of random.

For instance, I specifically said I prefer to meet more mature guys, ie those in their late twenties and above, with at least a few years of working experience. It is more interesting talking to people who are more experienced and mature, instead of fresh graduates. There is a difference between talking to people who have worked for a while as opposed to those who just started working, and those who are still mummy's boys or those who are already mature and independent.

Yet, out of the twelve dates, I have been sent to five meetings where the guys either just graduated, or just started work, or still very dependent on their parents. And they were not good company, because they still tend to play childish games, and their outlook towards life and attitudes are still rather naive. Thus, we do not seem to be on the right frequency at all.

I have given quite a number of feedback saying that I would prefer to meet older guys who are more stable, but still, I kept being sent to dates where the guys are still not mature enough, and it became a chore talking to them because it is hard to relate to each other if our mentalities are at a different level.

Anyway, my date last night was not really that fantastic. I turned down my dad's invitation for dinner last night because of this date, as my dad asked me at the last minute and it was too late to cancel the date.

When I reached the venue, the guy was not there. He was fifteen minutes' late, and he did not even bother calling the place to inform! We were told to call the venue in the event we were late for whatsoever reason, and to ask if our date could wait a while. But he did not. I was about to call my dad to tell him that I could join him for dinner after all, when that guy finally showed up.

The moment I saw him, I did not have a good first impression. He was so casually dressed, with balding and unkempt hair. Plus, he has traces of acne scars. Okay, I may sound too shallow if I say I put emphasis on physical appearances, but the place we were supposed to meet is quite a cushy place, specialising in authentic French wines, a good hang out place for yuppies and executives.

In the first place, if one is going to such a place, one should at least dress appropriately, but he was dressed as if he was going to a neighbourhood market! Furthermore, he said that his previous date was at the same place, so all the more he would have known the ambience there!

Secondly, even if he did not know the kind of ambience the place has, if he knew he was going on a date, should he not make the effort to at least dress up a bit? I rushed from a hectic day from the office, and still I made the effort to be well-groomed enough. He was off work yesterday, yet he was so haphazard in his physical appearance!

It gives me the feeling that he did not even bother, that he deemed it not necessary or important enough. It made me feel disrespected. No doubt he is under no obligation to make me feel anything great, but still, if a person is meeting someone for the first time and not knowing how the person is like, should he not ensure he make a better first impression? I find it so disrespectful to be so casual in one's dressing for a first meeting!

I am not saying that I must be with someone or can only meet people who are drop dead gorgeous. None of the guys I dated are that type. But at least they make the effort to look presentable enough, to be well-groomed enough, even in casual wear. At least they make the effort to dress well, even if it is just T-shirt and bermudas, and not make it seem like they just throw on any old thing in their wardrobes.

Perhaps I am being too judgmental, but first impressions really count. The guy may be very nice and what not, but if I do not like what I see on first sight, it is hard for me to give a chance to develop further. Somehow, I just do not like the way he looks. And if he turns people off with how he looks, chances are it is hard for him to go further with anyone.

It is a sad fact, but true too. I am already the type that do not go for looks, but if I say I do not like the way someone looks, that person really needs help in the grooming and deportment department. It will be hard for others to go beyond the physical appearance and discover his inner being.

And anyway, from the few hours we spent with each other, I am not that impressed with his behaviour too, especially towards hawkers and elderly. Perhaps I am biased, but I can never advocate not being patient and kind to the elderly. And this guy is not, which shows he is probably not that nice a person in the first place.

Playing A Waiting Game

My best friend asked me last night why did I sound so calm and collected this time after breaking up? So I told her that I did not exactly "break up" because we were never official in the first place. Yes, we dated each other, enjoyed each other's company, but never went serious. Which makes it much easier for both of us to just remain as ordinary friends and look for other avenues.

Initially, I was a tad disappointed of course, because as I said, he is one person I really feel I can carve a future with if all goes well. But because both of us are so similar, even in thoughts, that both of us know that we do not have that kind of feelings for each other to progress further. Sometimes being too similar is not a good thing too.

But at times, things do not work out for the best. Perhaps if we really do plunge in, we may end up seeing things in each other which we cannot tolerate, and then what? Have another real break up and get our hearts broken again? I am not going to let another person break my heart, and he is not going to break another girl's heart nor let himself be hurt again.

I guess the reason my best friend made that remark was because she had seen how down I was when my relationships failed in the past. I was really down only twice, the subsequent two times I was not that upset.

Maybe now I am older and in more control of my emotions? Or maybe the reason I did not get too hurt was because I knew I no longer wanted to be with the person anymore, my feelings have faded so it was just as well things ended?

She asked me so what do I intend to do? I told her "nothing". Just making more friends for now, not really intending to plunge into anything with anyone. Besides the lunch dating and matching packages I have signed up for, other than that I am not going to be a hunter and deliberately go out and get men. In the first place, I was never the one to hunt, men just flock to me for some perverse reason.

I told her that I am going to use my head more. The first time I actually used my head more than my heart, and I did not get myself hurt. So this is the approach I will be adopting, using my head more instead of using my heart so much.

I figured (finally!) that if in the event a decent guy is really into me, he will do a lot without me doing much right? So why do I have to be the one to always do so much for the guy, only to get slammed with the cruel fact that the guy probably never treated me seriously in the first place?

So instead of trying to find a guy I like more than he likes me, why not see which guy likes me more than I like him? See which guy is more into me than I into him. And by that, I mean a decent, well brought-up, responsible and committed guy who is willing to take me seriously, and not someone just out for flings or fun.

When that person comes along, then, and only then, will I consider whether to be with him or not. He has to prove his worth first. If the guy really wants to be with me, I believe he will take the initiative to show his sincerity and commitment without even me asking.

So I am just playing a waiting game for now. I will still go out with whoever wants to date me (and whoever I feel comfortable enough to go out with), but I will not deliberately go everywhere to hook up any guy. I have never done that and will never do that. I will never lower myself to this extent. Besides, the best is truly worth waiting for.

Marrying A (Non) Loved One

I was having a conversation with an old friend last night, and I asked her why did she marry her husband? From my understanding, although her husband is really good to her, she never did get over her previous guy.

Her answer? "Sometimes in life, one just have to move on. You may love someone, but at the end of the day, you may marry someone else, have a family with someone else, not because you love him deeply, but because he is the best to have a future with."

Wow... that is so thought-provoking! But then, if you marry someone without much love, would that not be unfair to both parties? Forgive me if I sound too shallow, and for repeating what I have said previously, but I always thought in order to have the companionship that comes with marriage, there must be the love that makes both want to marry each other in the first place, no?

For myself, I can never be with someone I do not love; and I can never marry someone I do not foresee a future with. I can love a person deeply, but if I do not think I want to live my life with him, then I have to make the decision to leave, which I did for a couple of times.

And even if I meet someone I can foresee a future with, but if the feelings are not deep enough for me to really want to be with this person, then I cannot bring myself to be with him too. It will just be unfair to him, if I make a commitment but in the end my heart is not in it.

Thus, I can never marry someone whom I do not love deeply enough (and vice versa). It is very hard to find the perfect match, but I believe if the person has entered my life, I will know. I am not one who give chances to just about anyone, otherwise I would have been in numerous relationships and countless of marriages already.

I still have hope that the right person will come along, one of these days. He will be the one special person whom I will open my heart to, whom I will give my entire heart to, whom I want to be a wife to and set up a family with. Most of all, he will be the one who loves me, wholeheartedly, truly, deeply, committedly and devotedly.

I believe when and if this person ever comes, God will let me know and then everything will flow in place.

Of Similar And Different Family Backgrounds

I used to wonder if family background and upbringing plays a part when two people get together. Afterall, a relationship is between the couple, is it not? Why should others get involved? Then through the years, I realise that family background and upbringing does play a part in making a person.

So to see how a person is like, one should see how the parents are like. If the parents are good, down-to-earth, traditional and nice people, chances are the children will turn out to be the same. If the parents are the selfish, calculative and uncouth types, then chances are the children will be like that.

I am not being discriminatory or anything, but parents are our role models when we were young. We spent almost twenty years of our lives learning from our parents, so if the parents do not show a good example to the children, chances are the children will learn all the bad habits from the parents.

Of course, as we go on in life, there are other people who influence us. Our teachers, our school environment, our friends, even the mass media and other people like motivational speakers or grooming consultants. But the core still lies with the parents whether we are well brought up or not. How one's character is shaped depends a large part on our parents and how they brought us up.

I am not saying that those people who come from a messy background will end up bad; neither am I saying that those who come from very good backgrounds will be good. There are always black sheep and exceptions around. But in general, how a child behaves and is shaped is almost always linked to how the parents behave.

I have seen a lot of cases back in my teaching days. The kids I taught came from very diverse backgrounds. Most of them are heartlanders, not those middle or upper class backgrounds, who grow up speaking perfect English and with a vast general knowledge even by the time they reach Primary One.

The kids I taught were from the nearby neighbourhoods of old two to three-room flats, and some of the newer four-room flats. The area is considered an old neighbourhood, belonging more to the lower strata. The kids who attended the school, some of them could not even afford to pay school fees on time!

It was an eye-opener for me, as where I grow up in and the schools I came from, it was practically unheard of for people not to pay school fees! It was even unheard of for people to live in three-room flats. Most of my classmates live in private apartments or landed houses. Even for those who are staying in government flats, they live in a more exclusive area, of bigger and more expensive flats.

So when I first started going out with guys, I never knew that family background could play a big part. I come from a very traditional Chinese family who frowns on physical intimacy, ie in front of my elders, the most my partner and I could do was to hold hands, nothing more. I grew up speaking both proper English and Mandarin (more the former actually), no vulgarities allowed. I was brought up thinking that chasing after a guy is a big no-no. I should never let a guy take advantage of me.

We were sent to all kinds of enrichment classes since young, and encouraged to continue upgrading and learning more things. Anyone stuck in his / her comfort zone would be frowned upon, as in my family, nothing is too much and no learning will ever be "useless".

I grew up believing that if a guy really respects me, he will never think of doing anything to me. And I grow up with people from my extended family, so there is always a big gathering during occasions, especially birthdays of the elders, Chinese New Year, Mid-Autumn Festivals, Dumpling Festivals, Winter Solstices, even Christmas. Which is why for a period of time I could never fathom why others did not even know some of these festivals exist! And we do not smoke, take drugs, drink or gamble, cuss and swear nor buy lotteries even!

When I went to school, I took up religious studies and learnt that the foundation of every being is in the faith. Christmas took on a new meaning for me, and I started honouring Good Friday, Easter, Lent and Advent, which makes it hard for me to relate to anyone non-Christian.

I learnt from the Bible about the Ten Commandments (which is common sensical actually, because I was also brought up to do the right things), that a marriage and family is sacred and honourable. I learnt that the man and woman should love and honour each other, as how we love and honour ourselves. Treat others like how we want to be treated, ie of respect, love and consideration. And I learnt that things like intimacy and pre-marital sex are a no-no, even in my upbringing and religion.

Well, through the years, I did not really practise some of the things I learnt and adhere to. Perhaps it is now time to finally realise what I really want out of life. It is now time to come to my senses that I no longer just want fun or the mere thought of someone being in my life to be with. It is time to be more objective and see things from a more serious and long-term angle.

It is time to settle down, to stop being on my own, and to share my life with someone. With that, it should be with someone from a respectable family, someone who is brought up with the same ideals and attitudes as I have been brought up with. Someone who is both traditional and religious, who knows how to respect a girl, with none of the vices.

I never thought family background and upbringing matters so much. As I started interacting with more people, some whom I have grown rather close to and whose parents know me, I start to make comparisons.

Perhaps people in the olden days understood this concept better. The olden days of matchmaking and betrothal amongst people of different status. It was normally the rich who married the rich, the middle class who married the middle class, and so on. It was frowned upon for anyone to marry up or down.

One could say people in those days were narrow-minded and elitist or cared about social status, but in essence, what they did made sense. Imagine for someone who had been rich all along, he / she could give up the wealth to be with someone not that wealthy, but would he / she be able to handle all the problems and start over?

Similarly, for someone of a lower social ladder to marry up (in those days), he / she would probably be overwhelmed by the many obligations rich people had to go through, not to mention putting up with the various taunts from the rest of the family on the kind of background he / she came from.

Sad to say, this is still being practised now. The social status thing, not the matchmaking. Although in the modern society most cultures have the freedom to choose who they want to marry, at the end of it all, one's family background really matters.

Someone from middle class who wants to marry into a wealthy family must be prepared to face the pressures and responsibilities of the rich and famous. I have friends who married into wealthy families, and they hardly have the freedom to do as they please. They took a very long time to adjust.

Luckily they have in-laws who are nice to them, otherwise it will be even more miserable not to have anyone's support. Upon reflection, if they have been brought up that way all along, perhaps they are used to the life and able to handle things better?

What about those from wealthy families, used to staying on landed properties and grew up with maids? If they marry someone simpler who stays in a normal flat, without a maid, will he / she be used to it? Imagine having the good life for so long, and all of a sudden, he / she must learn how to serve and take care of others instead of the other way round.

It would be hard I suppose, although not impossible. However, if all along they have grown up as a flat-dweller and used to doing things on one's own, then it would be much easier to adjust if they marry someone who is also like that.

I am not saying that I look down on people lower than me whatsoever. I am nobody in the first place, so who am I to look down on anyone? All I am saying is that in order for me to want to be with a person, I feel that I have to be comfortable with the family members, and like what I see, and foresee that I am able to live and get along with them long-term with not much of a problem.

Being from middle class all along, somehow I cannot relate to mere heartlanders. I am not saying they are not good people, or that I am too good and arrogant for anyone. The people I know are fairly decent and nice.

But being from such a background and having the priviledge to take up enrichment courses, somehow just playing mahjong, listening to how others slaughter the English (and even Chinese) language, how they are stuck in their comfort zones with no inclination of learning and exploring more things, how they cuss and swear when their favourite football team lost, how they think a relationship should be based on sex, how they are the first in queue once the Singapore Pools open their doors and spending loads on lottery when they complain they have no money to spend... after a while, it just gets to me.

I guess perhaps due to my upbringing, I can relate much better to people who are well-read, who engages in intellectual conversations on books, stocks and shares, economy, religion, world affairs, history, music, fine dining, and with the attitude of learning and exploring more things all the time.

I seem to be able to click better with those who are willing to step into a theatre to watch a play or musical, who are receptive to classical music and classic books, well-travelled, shows utmost respect to a lady and knows how to be gentlemanly and chivalrous when dating her out, and who speaks (and writes) proper English fluently and articulately.

Thus I now realise that family (and to a certain extent, education and friends) background and upbringing is very important. Interests can be cultivated, but the root of the character is from how the parents bring up the children, how they view the friendships between two people, how they view being together with another person, what they want out of life, their attitudes and values towards things.

If the foundation is there, ie they are brought up in the traditional or religious way and they adhere to it, and they are brought up intelligently and responsibly in a big and close-knit family who are articulate and have gatherings every occasions, encourages life long learning and advancement, do not smoke, drink, take drugs, gamble, have casual or pre-marital sex, or buy lottery, chances are these are the people I can get along better with.

Perhaps people may deem me as arrogant or high and mighty, but I feel that in order to think of being with someone lifelong, one must also accept the family and friends. Afterall, if I am ever to get married, it will not be just he and me; but it involves both our families as well.

And if both of us are brought up the same way, the chances of us hitting off with the respective families are much higher. And I owe it to my future happiness and family to be with the best, in character, upbringing and background.

The Walk And Turn

The Tango class is progressing pretty well, although I am still a little out of step. I will not say it is entirely due to my partner, who seems nervous holding me. I guess I need lots and lots of practice too, especially since I was told whenever I took a step, it seemed to be either too big or too small.

It is hard to get the steps just right actually. That day we learnt how to dance eight steps together. Step left, right, front, back, turn, right, back and then back at position. It was the turn that was quite a problem, as my partner had to take me on the swing, without making me feel unbalanced.

I guess perhaps I am not that good a dancer in the first place, which is why it is hard to dance together. Or maybe he was nervous and uncomfortable holding me, and vice versa, since I never feel that comfortable holding someone I have no feelings for in such close proximity.

Still, I must learn how to dance the basic steps at least. Our instructors told us that there is a social tango dance party this weekend, and invited us to attend. Perhaps I shall go, then I can practice my steps even more, and perhaps dancing with different people can help improve my technique?

Aboard The Riverboat!

I met up with a friend for dinner earlier, and he brought me to the new Marina South Pier. That place is owned by the company my mother is working for, so I have been there a few times. My friend and I went to the Pier Eleven restaurant on the second floor.

The ambience is good and cosy. The interior of the restaurant is dim and romantic, but we chose to sit outside on the balcony, where we can see the sea and the ships passing by. It is a very nice place, dining by the sea. The only gripe is that the restaurant is facing the wrong angle, so we were not able to see the sunset, although we could see the moon in full view later on (albeit just half the moon).

The food is nice and not too costly, especially with a ten percent discount for any Platinum Mastercard. The servings are just right, not too big, not too small, and the service is pretty good too. I am pretty satisfied with the overall dining experience, except the Long Island Tea I ordered is a bit too bland.

Just next to the restaurant, right on the sea, is the Riverboat restaurant. My parents brought us there last week. It is in the design of a nineteenth century showboat of the Southern United States. The restaurant is funded by a church mission, so they serve dinners on all days and lunch only on weekends due to the church service held on the upper deck.

The restaurant is on the lower deck. The interior decoration reminds me of the Titanic dining room, but not that grand of course. Since it serves Mexican food, there are ponchos and Panama hats, as well as banjos and drums as part of the decor. There is even an old grand piano!

The food is good too! We ate tacos, baby ribs, chicken and salmon. Dessert was brownies. The brownies are really delicious! My mum had them specially ordered after that, but just a pity I was down with stomach flu the whole week and was in the end not able to eat any of the delicious brownies. :-(

Soulmates ....

I went over to my cousin's house in the afternoon. Have not seen the baby and the dog for a while already, so thought of paying them a visit before meeting my friend for dinner. As usual, the sight of a happy and warm family fills me with envy. This is what happiness is - having a great domestic life.

My cousin and I talked to each other about our lives as usual whenever we meet up. We were on the subject of soulmates, and she brought up something rather thought-provoking. She said that in a long-term relationship, the spark or passion will be gone within a couple of years, so would it not be better to be with someone who is your soulmate, someone who shares your interests and can be a companion?

Well, I agree actually. But in order to even think of progressing into a relationship and marriage, the spark must be there, is it not? If both do not even have strong enough feelings for each other to want to be together, then what is the use? Of course ultimately, it is a partnership for life, but in order to even stay and grow together, there must be love, besides all the other factors.

Which is why even though some people can get along so well together, can talk and share about anything under the sun, can be soulmates, but ultimately if there is no love, nothing else can happen. These people can only be soulmates on a friendship basis.

It is very very difficult to find a soulmate on a relationship basis. To some, they can only find one in their entire lives, and if the chance slips by, they can never find another person like that. But soulmates itself is a very objective word. Some view soulmates as someone they can be with, some as someone they can talk to, others as someone they view as a partner.

To me, how will I view if a person is my soulmate? Firstly, we can talk about anything and everything under the sun. We can share all our thoughts and ideals, similar in visions, goals and lifestyles.

Secondly, we can have an emotional connection. We know when each other is happy or sad, have no qualms sharing all our happiness and sadness, all our moods and hurts with each other, comfort each other and be a pillar of strength and support.

Thirdly, we complement each other's lifestyles. We enjoy our similarities and appreciate our differences. We learn from and support each other in our own hobbies, interests, passions and causes.

And the one important thing I look for in a soulmate? He inspires me to do better. He makes me want to be a better person, to always show my best side, bring out the best in me. That is what a soulmate should be - to bring out the best in the other person.

Before I left, my cousin celebrated my birthday by giving me a chocolate cake. Wow, I never expect her to remember, but she did! We cut and ate the cake, then she asked me to bring the leftovers as a dessert for my friend, or bring home if there are still any left.

My cousin said she expects a wedding invitation by my next birthday, which is, well, rather impossible actually, considering my status, which does not seem likely to change for quite some time. Nevertheless, in a year, a lot of things can happen, so there is no harm being hopeful.

To me, I rather not change whatever I have no control over, and change whatever I have control over. Thus, by my next birthday, I hope to finally have my driving license, and perhaps able to drive my dream car around!

Finding An Exclusive Match

I went for two interviews at Lunch Actually and Exclusive Match, the former on Thursday evening after work and the latter this morning. Two years ago, when I went to try out Lunch Actually, the consultant said no one in their database matched the type I like. This time round, I was told they should be able to match some, albeit not a perfect match.

As I said, I am not looking for a perfect match. Just someone with a good character, shares my interests and values, and well brought-up with none of the vices. A little bit of flaw here and there does not matter as long as it is not too major. Just someone I feel proud and happy to carve a future with.

Lunch Actually gives twelve dates, with one more trial date, making it a total of thirteen dates, for three years. If in the event I do find someone within the first few dates, I can have my membership suspended and then get a refund for the remaining if all goes well after that.

Exclusive Match is a little different. It is a matchmaking agency, not a dating agency. The couple who runs it are certified relationship and marriage counsellors. They run relationship coachings, marriage preparation courses, as well as solemnisation of marriages. And they try their best to find the most perfect match.

They do not guarantee that we must have a certain number of dates within a certain time. Rather, they believe in matching with the most compatible, so the maximum number of times they give is six (some more, on case to case). On the average, most are able to find someone within the third or fourth match; some after the first even.

Some may view people who go for matchmaking or dating agencies as desperate, but as the years go by, and one's social circle becomes smaller and smaller (ie not that many singles out there anymore), sometimes one will go for other avenues to find a potential mate.

Of course, I am not saying that the first person one meets will be the one you think of marrying. And I am not saying that one must get married to survive. It all depends on the individual. But the fact is that for me, I want to get married, only once, settle down, have a family of my own. It is such a good feeling to be domesticated and have my own family.

But that is not going to happen if I just sit around and not do anything about it, especially since most of my friends are attached or married, and whatever single guys I know now are those that can never progress beyond friendship, even close friendship.

So, in order to reach my ultimate goal, I have to go beyond my own (and my friends') social circles and get to know more people. There is never any harm making new friends. And I mean decent people, where the dating agencies can offer to a certain extent, and not abnormal people whom one tends to meet online.

Even if at the end of it all, nothing comes out of anything, still, I would have made some new friends. At least I can look back without any regrets that I have tried, but not successful, so be it. One never knows the type of gems one can meet if one never tries. And friends are important because humans are social animals after all. One can never know who will be the one to count on in the hour of need.

Come to think of it, from the database in the dating and matchmaking agencies, there are still many people around who are like-minded, ie looking for someone to be with, for people to make friends with, people they can never meet in their own respective social circles. And being around like-minded people is a better thing, as things get easier if one treads on common ground with people of similar goals.

Road Tests! (Part Trios)

I went for another round of road test last weekend. This time, I tested higher-end cars, like the Citroen C4 Hatchback, Opel Astra TwinTop convertible, the Jaguar S (otherwise known as the Baby Jaguar), the Chrysler 300C, and the Renault Megane Coupe Cabriolet.

The Citroen feels like any normal sedan, not too bumpy, pretty smooth ride for the passenger. Since it is a rear-wheel car, the journey should not be too rough. The Opel Astra TwinTop is a hard top convertible. The top can be put up or down even when the car is in motion, unlike other convertibles where the car has to be stationary for the top to be up or down.

I went two rounds in the car, first with the top up, the second with the top down. I must say, cruising around in a convertible is really lovely! I get the feel of the wind in my hair, not to mention the gawking eyes of the rest of the drivers on the road!

I was pretty apprehensive while riding in the Jaguar. Afterall, Jaguars to me is what the Brunei Sultan is to Brunei, or the Queen to Britain. Grand, royal, and untouchable. Needless to say, I was so excited, but at the same time worried I might dirty the car or scratch it in any way. Still, it was a very good ride; afterall, one can never expect anything less of a Jaguar!

The Chrysler 300C is a big car. Somehow, I do not like the shape of it, and the ride is just okay, nothing much to really rave about. The car suits middle-aged wealthy businessmen, but for me (and I guess people my age), we rather settle for something hippier and cooler.

The Renault Megane convertible is the coolest! Apparently, it is the only convertible so far with a glass top, instead of a hard top or soft top. The ride is great! The car can zoom on the street so fast, and with the top down, I can feel the wind gushing by. The feeling is just on top of the world! My only gripe is that the glass top cannot be slided or opened in any way, otherwise it can be used as a sun roof as well.

Three rounds of road tests, three rounds of different types of cars. It has been a very interesting and enriching experience for me. So what is my final verdict? Convertibles are still the best! What about for my own use? The Mini Cooper S all the way!

Meaningful Quotes On Love

In light of an upcoming special day, I am in a rather self-loving mood, especially since I came across some real meaningful quotes on what love should be like. :-p

1. Love Is In Your Heart, not to stay, but to be shared.

2. Love is a gift box waiting to be opened by the right recipient.

3. Love is a budding flower, give it some time, patience and lots of tender loving care, and watch it bloom into something beautiful. (VERY TRUE!)

4. In the arithmetic of love, one plus one equals everything, and two minus one equals nothing. ~ Mignon McLaughlin

5. If you have love in your life it can make up for a great many things you lack. If you don't have it, no matter what else there is, it's not enough. (AGAIN, VERY TRUE!)

6. Love doesn't make the world go round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile. ~ Franklin P. Jones

7. A good marriage is one which allows for change and growth in the individuals and in the way they express their love. (DITTO!)

8. Love is a promise, Love is a souvenir, once given, never forgotten, never let it disappear. (PRECISELY!)

9. Love is a choice you make from moment to moment.

10. Love is a condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own. (YES! Just a pity not many people understand or adhere to this - that in loving a person, his / her happiness means all, no matter what he / she does, even if he / she does not end up with you.)

So to all my friends, I love you (well, not in that way, but you get what I mean. ;-p). May all those who have yet to find love find someone to make their lives special, and all those who are already in love, may your relationship blossom and bloom into something even more beautiful!

Of Chemistry And Compatibility

I always get bemused over the fact that for a big part of my life, I have not remained single for long, yet each time when I do get officially attached, things do not work out. And it is not as if I ask to be attached (i.e. I did not go all out to woo the guys); things just happened.

It has been quite an interesting mix where guys I have dated are concerned. So far, I would only say that one relationship was really serious, ie close to marriage stage. The rest could be just at exclusivity level the most.

Come to think of it, I have been "lucky" as in I have dated guys of different types. Arrogant ones, self-centred ones, irresponsible ones, gentlemanly ones, chivalrous ones, stubborn ones, bad-tempered ones, immature ones, and especially uncommitted ones. So I have interacted and tried to understand the different makes.

Relationships will be full of ups and downs afterall, and if it gets to the point where only I was trying to hold on and the guy was totally taking for granted, at times one just have to let go and move on, which I did the past couple of times.

So when I finally made the decision to end things earlier this year, I told myself that the next person I get involved in will be the last one. I am not going to let another person break my heart. My fragile heart cannot take another heartbreak. The next time I actually enter a relationship, it will have to be with the right person, and with someone who loves me and whom I love (preferably someone who loves me more! :-p).

Which is why even though he and I saw each other for a while, things never got further because we realised that the right chemistry is just not there. Although I must say, it is a pity that we could not progress, because of all the guys I have dated, he is one whom I feel most compatible and connected with. Even my mum felt pity for me, as she said of all the guys I brought home, he is the only one who can make it.

But it is difficult, is it not, to find someone so compatible yet have the right chemistry at the same time. Often, the chemistry is there but then both are just so different that things also cannot work out in the long run.

Just as well this time round, we did not jump in. We tried to let things develop naturally, albeit not very successfully. And I was more guarded and have not put my entire heart into it, otherwise if I have fallen deep, it would be devastating indeed. For that, I salute the guy, because other guys will just take the opportunity to plunge in and then break the girl's heart when he realises he cannot offer what she wants.

This time round I am not going to compromise. I have already compromised twice, and ended up miserable. With him, I saw the qualities I look for in him, which is why I was willing to give a chance for us to develop. It shows that out of the blue, I can still meet guys who have the criteria I am looking for.

That does not mean I will not interact with people, males or females. There is no harm meeting more people and making more friends (although somehow I always seem unlucky to meet pricks), but when it comes to finding that special someone, I am not going to settle for just anyone again.

Which is why I get a little befuddled when a friend recently accused me of being too high and mighty and good for people when I told him he has absolutely no chance with me. He said how in the world did I ever meet guys when I get so demanding, ie it is either my way or no way?

In the first place, I have never been that kind of "my way or no way" type. Rather, I am more easy-going. I try to accommodate and compromise as far as I can. From feedback with guys I have dated, they always say that whoever who ends up with me is a very lucky man. But the thing is that this guy does not want a relationship (even if he does, he still has no chance with me), but rather a fling.

I am not someone who go out for flings! How many times do I have to emphasise that, especially to the same people? Already he has such a character flaw, so how does he expect me to accept him and go further? It is for my life long happiness, do I not deserve to choose who I deem as the best for myself?

I am not even asking for perfection. Even that guy I was seeing is not perfect, neither am I. We both have our own flaws, and there are certain things which he does not meet up to, but those issues can be overlooked. And I am sure there are also many things which I do not meet up in people's lists as well.

The thing is that if no one can or has ever meet what I look for, then perhaps my expectations are really too high and I will definitely revise and think I should not have such high hopes. But the fact is that there have been people who meet up.

My second ex, for one, is almost there (90%). The guy I was seeing is also almost there (92%). The remaining little things I am willing to overlook because the bigger picture is that we have such great times with each other, and my happiest and most enjoyable times are those spent with them.

So if I am to accept someone who does not meet up, like my third ex, for instance, it will be more of frustration and breakdown of communication and lots and lots of accommodation and compromise on my part. When two people go out with each other, there should be more enjoyment than frustration.

Call me high and mighty if one will, but I know what will make me happy and what will not. I know the type I am compatible with and the type I am not. Maybe because I myself am such a complex and varied person, yet traditional and religious, so I feel happiest with someone about the same. And those who are not like that simply do not make the cut.

As I said, finding a mate is for life. Thus no one can compromise on their eternal happiness. There must be chemistry and compatibility. Chemistry can be developed, but compatibility is there from the beginning. Instead of being with someone who is so different, why not find someone who is similar from the start? Hopefully the chemistry develops, then all will be well.

And I truly believe that when the right man comes along, both chemistry and compatibility will be there from the start. Then I can really be off to a very happy start of something fulfilling and wonderful.

How To Determine Love?

I may be someone who lives more on my heart, but that is not to say I just fall in love with anyone I see. Well, perhaps the most recent mistake was to fall for someone I have known for just a couple of months, without making absolutely sure that he is available, but that is another story.

So I always get amused whenever people ask me how would I know it is love? How do I know I love the guy? And how do I know I do not love the guy even though we seem to get along greatly? Hard to answer actually. For me, I believe if it is love, one will just know. Similarly, if it is not love and may not become love, one will know.

Contrary to what a lot of people think, it takes me a very long time before the love becomes deep and serious. And I have only ever loved one person this way before. The rest the feelings may be raw love, then later on due to various other factors, the feelings just fade and I move on, feeling a tinge of pity but not that upset as compared to that time.

How long did it take me to love someone to that extent? Right now, no idea. Maybe if Mr Right and Compatible and Everything I Look For suddenly appear, it may really be instantaneous. But that time, we were great friends for about a year or more before we started going out, and we went out for half a year before we were officially together.

Even then, I was not that serious as yet, and it took another two or more years before the feelings became really deep and intense and I was so sure he would be the person I would end up spending my life with.

Of course, love is not to be pushed or forced. You cannot expect a person to say he loves you by sight (although that may happen, but still it takes a while before one determines if the love is true), neither can one expect love to blossom just after a few weeks or months even.

To some, it takes three months; to others, it takes several years. I have friends who know each other for like five years, dating others in between, but after five years they suddenly fall in love and within a year they are married. These are the people whose marriages will last, because they are such good friends that the love just comes naturally.

My best friend and her husband took half a year to fall in love. There is really no deadline on when one will expect the feelings to develop, because sometimes the feelings may suddenly come unexpectedly, months or even years later, whereas sometimes, the feelings may never come.

Which is why people always adhere to letting nature takes its course, and whatever will be, will be. Those who are meant to be together will still end up together no matter how many rounds or how many years later.

My Dating "Experience"

My trip to Bintan is off! It is not that I cannot get the villa, because there are still vacancies, but rather, there is no one to go with now, and my mum will never allow me to go on my own. Besides, what good is a villa trip by the ocean and the beach if I am to be all alone with no one to enjoy with?

Actually, I think if I am to really ask, there will be several guys interested in going with me. But a pity they are the ones I do not want to go with. I will never go on a holiday with anyone unless I really trust the person, but those guys I trust are those that will never dream of going on a holiday with a girl who is not the girlfriend! Well, at least I still know some gentlemen around. :-)

My Google Ads directed me to this website which seems pretty interesting. It is not an online site where any Tom, Dick or Harry can go in and fake some credentials, which is why I only reply to profiles I deem real and interesting enough, but a real matchmaking service where the consultants will give you character and personality profiling and find the best match for you in terms of compatibility and your own criteria.

Hmmm.. maybe I should give it a try. I called the company up earlier on and was told that they only take in people who are serious and committed in finding the right person to settle down with, but somehow never able to find any on their own, and not just mere having fun dating different people and making more friends. I made an appointment for tomorrow.

Earlier this year, when I decided to leave a certain someone, I took the plunge and registered myself with It's Just Lunch!, one of the lunch dating agencies in town. The package is for a twelve-month membership period, where we are entitled to twelve dates.

If in the event we used up twelve dates before a year, any extra will be complimentary. Of if we have not used up twelve dates in a year, the membership will be extended until all twelve dates have been used up.

Within two months or so, I had gone on eleven dates, which means an average of one date per week. I got to know about five friends there, as in we actually kept in contact. There was one disaster where the fellow was so rude and uncouth, one where the fellow was really pushy and finally I had to tell him to leave me alone!

As for the rest we met once and never kept in contact after that. It was a fun experience, except the profiles of the guys I was set up with were not really that compatible as the consultants claimed! Or maybe because I was having too high expectations again. :-p

Then I put my membership on hold, as I met that guy (through other avenues) and decided to try and see if love could develop between us. It has been four months now, and I am thinking of reactivating the membership, because I still have eight months to go (not including the period I was on hold), and no refund would be made if I put it on hold since all memberships on hold would automatically be deleted after a year of being on hold.

I do not know if it is a stroke of coincidence, but the other lunch dating agency, Lunch Actually, called me a few days back and asked me if I would like to try their services. Perhaps they took my number the last time I went there when they did not take me in as they could not find anyone matching to what I want. Nevertheless, I thought of just giving a try and see if there have been any differences to the database since then, so I made an appointment for after work today.

The difference between dating agencies and online services is that with the former, the people are actually screened through by the consultants, so their credentials and profiles are real, thus more trustworthy, whereas for online sites, some may not be real. I am not saying all are not real, but then there are quite a number of funny people telling the untruth in cyberspace.

Still, I met a few friends and a couple of potential mates online, and we are still in contact. I have not been as lucky as my best friend or my university mate to meet their spouses online, at least not yet. For me, out of every ten guys I met online, only two are normal and real enough; the rest just "cannot make it".

My online profiles have since been deactivated when I got to know him, the same time as I put my lunch dating membership on hold. Recently I just reactivated it, but if I do sign up for the packages at the Exclusive Match company, I will deactivate my online profile again, to prevent the hassle from meeting the wrong type of people again. Afterall, there are many other ways to meet people, and one does not need to handle irritants.

Irritating Men Again!

I rest my case with local shallow men in general. Either they are perverts, or psychos, or else they are too pushy! I know men and women are different. Which is why I try to understand as much as how a man functions, although sometimes when they start to clam up, it is hard to figure out what they are thinking. In this case, I use my instinct to guess if it is his problem or mine.

However, be it men or women, there should be some basic behavioural patterns to follow, is it not? Does it mean that a man can go around soliciting for sex just because he is talking to a woman? No decent man does that, and certainly no decent woman will do that!

So I get really irritated by guys who, once we start a conversation, ask me if I am a good kisser (how to determine that anyway?), or what I do in bed, or how good would I rate myself as a sex partner, or the usual questions like am I into one night stands, or am I a virgin?

These are nobody's business in the first place! What I choose to do with anyone, or whether I have done anything with anyone, is for only me to know. Can guys not engage in intellectual and mind-stimulating conversations instead of dirty talk?

I was with someone for six years, and we never once talk about sex. General topics like pre-marital sex, HIV or things people do we would discuss of course. But at that time we were of the idea that once we were married, it would be an unavoidable topic, but before we were married, it would not be appropriate to talk about what we would do to each other in the confines of the bed. And I still appreciate him for that.

The guy I was seeing recently is also something like that. Despite all our engaging conversations and heart to heart talks and sharing of secrets, we had never once discussed that topic in detail. And we did not start off our first conversation with that topic either; rather we talked about more intellectual things like life, interests, hobbies, religion, music, housing, cars. Which is why I enjoy myself so much with him. There are so many more things to talk about than just that topic alone!

Then there are men who start off asking how many boyfriends you had in the past (is that anyone's business unless I choose to say?), and whether I believe in love at first sight (actually I do, but whether that will last depends on a lot of other factors), and if I hold hands or kiss on a first date (OF COURSE NOT!!), and what about second date? (OF COURSE NOT EITHER!)

I do not go around holding anyone's hands, or allowing anyone to hold my hands, unless I like that guy a lot and deem that we have the potential to go on further, but even then, not on the first or second date either!

If I really like him (notice I say "like" not "love"), perhaps after going out for a month I may allow him to hold my hand, but even then will only be if he is helping me across the street or if the ground is slippery. But I will never allow anyone to kiss me unless I love him, and even then not on the first "official" date as a couple.

Then there are guys who bumped into me online and we started chatting. Things were going well for one day, then suddenly the next day he would ask why I seem quieter, and why I never bothered telling him I was logging off the day before, and asked if he offended me in any way.

Erh, because the previous day I was at home so could chat more and the next day I was in the office so had to multi-task and could not reply so fast? And anyway, if our last message was two hours ago, with no reply from him, do I really need to tell him I was about to log off? Must I report everything to someone whom I just made my acquaintance?

And then there was another fellow where when we started chatting, I was able to give longer answers, but I got a bit busier so I gave vague answers, and he would ask why did I suddenly become so distant? Erh... was I being distant? If I am really being distant, I would not even bother replying!

As I said... I rest my case with local guys in general. People keep telling me I am mixing with the wrong crowd, but from these crowd, there are a couple of gems I met which I would have liked to go further with, but just a pity we do not have the right chemistry.

Meanwhile, I am keeping myself busy and occupied taking part in church events and other social groups in a bid to meet the right kind of normal people, and not pests.

Infusion Of The Left And Right Brain

I wish I can be more left-brained. My left brain tells me what to do, what is the right way to do things, how to handle things logically and sensibly. But my right brain tells me how to feel and how emotional to get. Unfortunately, I am always more of a right-brainer than a left-brainer.

Like for instance, in making friends and developing relationships, my left brain may tell me this person is not suitable, but my right-brain will say this person gives me those feelings so should give a chance. Or else my left brain will tell me that I should take my time to choose and choose carefully because it is for my life, but my right brain will tell me to hurry as time is running out.

It is not really a good idea to be so right-brained as one tends to always let emotions go in the way of seeing things objectively. The right brain causes one to be possessive when the left brain urges one to just let go and move on.

If there is some training to be more left-brained, I will go for it. Meanwhile, I must try to listen more to my left brain instead of my right, and try infusing both together equally in order to get a more complete picture, and to do things in a better way.

Reaching A Consensus

It had been a tumultuous couple of days. I am down with a bout of stomach flu. I spent Sunday night tossing and turning in bed, coupled with a queasy stomach and the feeling of nausea the whole night. I should not have drunk the mocha blend on Sunday evening! Kept me awake and was too acidic for my stomach.

I must confess I was not in a good state yesterday. It could be due to the long conversation with someone on Sunday night, where although we came to a consensus, in the end I was feeling a tad depressed and disappointed. As everyone knows, I always live by my heart instead of my head, even now.

Sometimes you can fall in love with someone who is totally wrong for you, and you end up miserable. Other occasions, you thought you finally found someone so right for you, but somehow the spark that ignites the start of a beautiful relationship is just not there.

Perhaps it is not there as yet. After all, feelings do take time to develop. For some, it may be instantaneous; for others, it may take a few months, or a few years even. Meanwhile I am leaving all up to fate and God. Whatever will be will be.

In the event we do not end up together, I believe there will be a better one more deserving for myself and for him. Afterall, God knows what is best for us.

Locked Out! (Of The Safe)

Earlier in the week, I needed to go to my company's big safe to retrieve a set of old documents. When I reached the safe, the moment the door swung open, a sight greeted my eyes! Apparently, when I was away three months back, the workers shifted all the boxes of my department and dumped them all into the safe!

Now, not only is the safe stacked with boxes from floor to ceiling, but there was hardly any place to move in! Which means I was blocked out of the safe! Imagine that! A safe-keeper being blocked out of the safe! That will be a laughingstock indeed!

Another Night At The Gym

I kept meaning to update this but kept dragging on. Anyway, I went for another gym session last week, this time at another fitness centre. Since I had the two-week trial membership, which had since expired, I went to try out the facilities.

First up was the exercise bike. I wanted the treadmill actually but all were full. I set the bike to Uphill, Random, 20 Minutes, then started paddling. Just as well the big television screen was in front of me, so I could watch Channel News Asia while sweating out at the same time. It helps to keep the mind focused, as before I knew it, twenty minutes was over, I had paddled six kilometres uphill, and burnt one hundred and sixty-five calories! Not a bad feat!

The next machine I tried was something to exercise my arms. Apparently I was doing it the wrong way, as a trainer went by and showed me the proper way to use it. This machine let me sit on the seat, with the chest rest, then pull two handles using the biceps. I wanted to try hundred, but could only manage fifty!

After that, I wandered around the gym, looking for another interesting machine, when I met the same trainer, who then showed me how to use some other machines. So I started working out my arms, legs, and abs. By the end of the short session, my arms and thighs were aching!

I wanted to stay in the gym for a couple of hours at least, but after an hour or so, I was too sore to do anything else, so decided to quit while ahead and go home whilst I could still move about. At least I get to know more of the various workout machines, so perhaps if I ever have my own gym one of these days, I can practise in it!

Of Loyalty And Devotion

My thoughts lately trigger another new reflection : does it take effort to stay loyal and devoted to a partner? Somehow a female tends to stay loyal and devoted, to the person she marries, to the children she gave birth to, to the families she was born in and married into.

Does it mean to say that females never think of straying? Of course not! Whoever said women will never think of straying? Contrary to what a lot of people think, there are women who think of straying, if she finds that it is too tiring to do so much and she wants some excitement back in her life.

Along comes a young, good-looking man (okay I am stereotyping), or a charming man who is able to connect to her on an intellectual and emotional level, something which she seem to have lost with her husband, and her heart will go a-flutter.

However, women seem to have a greater sense of responsibility and commitment. She will not be able to just elope or run off with someone else or get into an affair just like that. Before she does anything, she always think of her family and how they will be affected by her actions. Thus, there are fewer cases of women divorcing because of adultery on her part.

Yet for men, it seem that a lot of men have no qualms starting affairs or setting up another family. Maybe because men have it easy, that they have their partners to oversee everything, be it household or family affairs, which leave them more "free" to pursue other ventures?

Or is it because men just do not have the strong sense of responsibility and commitment as a woman, so they can just drop everything and do what they like, despite how their actions will affect their family members?

For instance, a man gets posted overseas and the posting does not give allowances for his family to go along. Now, in most cases I see, whenever the husbands go for a posting overseas, the wife and children always go along. But some companies do not give allowances to the family members.

With the distance and time difference (for some), it is understandable why the man will get lonely and start to miss companionship. But does that give him any excuse to then just pick up or know any girl and start an affair, leaving the poor wife playing the role of both parents, and keeping the house neat and tidy for him?

I guess it all boils down to faithfulness, is it not? Faithfulness is not just a mere reason that if you love me, you will remain faithful. Faithfulness also encompasses commitment, discipline and determination. Commitment to the loved ones, discipline of not falling into temptation, and determination that despite the long distance, the marriage and relationship will not sour.

Faithfulness also encompasses responsibility. Responsibility to the loved ones, knowing that he cannot do anything to let them down, to hurt them. He must be responsible for their well-being, and not let the family crumble through his own doings.

Of course there is always trust, but before there is trust, there must be confidence that the guy is trustworthy in the first place, ie he will not fool around and always be responsible and committed to the family. Only by showing that can he warrant the trust from his loved ones.

Now, if I am ever to find such a guy, I will never be afraid no matter how far away he is or how long he will be away. Sad to say, a lot of people deem it unnecessary to be faithful, as after all, they are so far away, how would anyone know what they are up to?

Your conscience knows. And despite how careful one is, sooner or later, the affair will come to the ears of the partner, because it is never a good thing to just fool around and have flings and cheat others of their feelings.

The Truth Of The Matter

What is it about older men that younger girls find the attraction in? I am not pin pointing at anyone in particular, but there have been quite a number of cases where a young girl (okay, not that young, someone in her early and mid-twenties) fall for a middle-aged man.

Some are lucky, as in the man is still single and available, mature and established, thus very willing to commit. These are the men that will treat a woman right, in the way she deserves to be treated. Often than not, these are the men that will love the girl more than she loves him, who are more into the girl than she into him.

Being girls, especially after we have had enough of immature doinks and self-centered guys, it is refreshing indeed to find a man who is mature, experienced, intellectual and showers us with the love and attention we always crave for but never seemed to see in the younger men. And this can be one of the reasons why girls end up falling for a much more senior man.

However, not everyone is so lucky. There are some guys who are married or attached but hide their status, show interest in a young girl, woo her and pamper her, and able to capture her heart easily, at the same time not letting on about his true status.

Being girls, or shall I say, being an emotional romantic girl, it is not hard to fall for a guy who is so caring and wonderful, and by the time she knows of his status, she has already fallen deeply, hook line and slinker, and it gets more depressing getting out than maintaining.

What happens if she maintains? She either have to suffer in silence, knowing full well that she can never attain that kind of status as a partner, what the Chinese will term as "见不得光". She has to be prepared to accept that she will never be in a normal relationship, because she will never be his priority.

She has to accept that she can never interact with his family and friends, and can never let him interact with hers. She also has to be prepared that he will suddenly disappear and not tell her exactly what he has been up to. She has to bear with all the insecurities on whether he was sleeping with another woman when he reaches home.

Of course, getting out is the most sensible way, but for those who live more on their feelings, how can they let go so easily? How can they fall for someone, only to give up without a fight? Some will go all out to fight, demand that the guy make his choice, but some will continue seeing the guy yet at the same time not wanting to break up his relationship or family. When the feelings are still strong, all it takes is just to spend time with the guy and nothing else matters.

I guess it is time to finally disclose what most of you have already suspected. Yes, the guy I was seeing previously is married. I never knew, or at least, never knew in the beginning. I went with him because he was the first guy I dated who really treated me like how I have always wanted to be treated.

By this, I am not saying material gifts, or wine and dine. But he was the first guy who let me choose what I wanted to do and he would just go along. He would go where I wanted to go, as long as it was near my place. He would walk me home even if he stayed far away.

Obviously, after a string of self-centred guys where I had to do their biddings, this was a pleasant change. I thought finally I found a guy who was willing to treat me like how I deserve to be treated, and not throw fits whenever I disagreed with him.

Thus I fell deeply. I thought I was finally the happiest person in the world. I was so happy that I was even willing to accept that he was still way off from my criteria, as long as he treated me right. So by the time I knew his status, I was in too much of a mess to handle more emotional trauma.

So how did I first know about it? It started when I was about to be admitted to the hospital last year. He came to see me after my surgery, but was chased out by my mum because she knew about his status all along but did not let on as she did not wish to hurt me. She wanted me to see for myself the type of person he is.

He finally told me he was married, but they have already separated, so I should not feel bad being with him. He still has to play the role of a father, but his (ex) wife and he were already not on speaking terms.

But at that moment, I was in such a messed up state that I wanted his support the most, which was why I obstinately hung on, despite the reprimands I got from my family members, and friends, who scolded me for breaking up someone's family.

The truth is that, I never wanted to break up anyone's family. And I never wanted to be with someone who was already attached in the first place, because I know how traumatising it is for the actual partner and the third party.

But stuck on I did, because each time I wanted to give up, wanted to save my sanity, he came running back and promised me things would get better given time. And each time I took him back. Whatever possessed me to do that I had no idea, but maybe for me, I wanted to prove that he was not a cad? a lying jerk?

That he would really settle his matters and we would be together? And I never for once ever forced him to make the ultimate decision, or pushed him into settling his affairs. I let him take his time and trusted him that all would be well in due time.

I am not pushing all the blame on him. I am to be blamed too, for plunging in without my eyes fully opened, only to find that it was too hard to get out later. Maybe he just played along, as after all, if a girl so much younger appreciates him and tells him how wonderful and loved she feels while out with him, the man will somehow get rather pleased, is it not?

The thing is that I never once did anything to go after him. If anything, he was the one who came after me, who wooed me, who asked me out, who took the initiative to talk to me. I never gave him any indication of any sort. And I certainly did not ask him to treat me so well; he did it all on his own accord.

So why was it that when things went wrong, I was accused of wanting to break up someone's family by being the vixen, yet no one ever said that he was the b*****d for going after another girl when he has yet to settle his family issues and still have commitment to them?!

Although this has past and when I finally decide to make the decision to kick him out, people in the know commented that I have finally come to my senses, then why did I choose to speak up only now after keeping silence all these while?

I never wanted to say out the entire situation, because I never believe in talking bad about someone I have been involved in. It is not a mere matter of being bad-tempered and treated me like scum, because, well, a lot of guys are like that.

This involves other people. I can rave and rant all I like about him, but why should I drag his family members into the picture, especially since they probably have no idea (maybe they did) that I ever existed? It was between me and him after all.

The sole reason I chose to speak up now is because up to now, some people still think I was the one who deliberately went to break up a person's family. Let me emphasise again. I.did.not.and.never.had.the.intention.to. Besides, I do not owe him anything for keeping mum about the situation; if anything, he should be the one to clarify what exactly transpired!

Yet instead of clarifying, he blamed me for wanting to go away. He said if I really love him, I would not mind his status. If I really loved him, why must I bother how long he takes to settle his family affairs? And if I really loved him, I would allow him to impregnate me and give birth to his baby even without any status. Can you believe the nerve of this fellow?!

I waited for a year. Time is no longer on my side. For a year, he chose to do nothing, except to reaffirm that one day everything will be settled. So when will that day come? Then I realise that he is never separated in the first place, nor heading towards the divorce courts. Which means he had been toying with my feelings all along.

Plus, I found out that there was (is) a fourth party involved. No wonder he sold off his shares, as he loaned her a five-figure sum just like that. I never even asked him for a couple of hundred dollars, yet he was willing to lend another lady a five-figure sum?! He did not make it so obvious, but from the clues and the way he was behaving, it does not take a rocket scientist to guess what he was up to.

One thing I absolutely hate is to be taken for a fool. I can take it if the guy is aloof and distant, if he is not as caring or loving as other guys, but I absolutely will not accept it if he is fooling around behind my back, and with more than one even!

Thus I made the decision to cut off, to stop crying over this fellow, to stop being affected by what he did. In a nutshell, I became totally "死心", and once a girl feels like this, the guy is definitely out of her life. She has given up all hope and love for him.

I believe in absolute fidelity, being loyal to the one you are with. Which was why I did not feel good about myself doing what I did the past year. I could not be with a person knowing that it would end up hurting another person.

All I ask for is loyalty and fidelity. That is the very basic requirements two persons should fulfill, whether just mere dating, or in an exclusive relationship, and especially in a marriage. Marriage vows are meant to be sacred and not to be broken. Anyone who does that is mocking the whole concept of marriage and commitment.