For some reason, I dug up some old lecture notes of yesteryears. I remember a particular interesting lecturer, who was talking to my class about the philosophy of life and love. She said she is all for getting married earlier, as both can learn how to live and adapt to each other first before finally starting a family.
Besides, by getting married earlier, both can still pursue own interests, like further education. So if let's say the husband wants to go overseas to pursue further education, the wife should let him go. Then when he comes back, his perspectives in life will be different, so the wife will say to him, "This time I will go and pursue higher education."
Then at the end of it all, both will be even better suited for each other in terms of growth and perspectives. Interesting concept. I remember she made us take down notes on the manipulator and martyr in love.
Looking through the old notes, make me realise that actually studying and school is really fun. How I wish I can go back to being a full-time student! I used to have so many ideals and dreams of my future when I was still a student, and now I still have dreams and ideals, but in a more realistic way.
What that particular lecturer told us about was pretty interesting. She said there are two aspects of love - that of a martyr and that of a manipulator. The martyr is the type that gives and gives, and the true happiness lies in giving all to the partner, without asking for anything back.
The manipulator is the type that takes and takes, and expects the partner to just give without giving any back in return. So the conclusion is, the manipulator and the martyr are the perfect match.
Of course, in those days when I was paying attention (contrary to what a lot of people think, I actually do pay attention during class) to what she was saying, I was thinking to myself, if one really loves someone, why would one want to just take and take and expect the partner to give and give?
Similarly, how can one just give and give and yet not want anything back in return? No matter how much one loves a person, there should be give and take, is it not? Needless to say, that was when I just started attending the new school, and before I entered into any relationship. Ah, the idealistic idiosyncrasies of youth!
When I actually entered a relationship, I realised that things were not so easy as how I perceived them to be. In my very first relationship, I became the martyr to his manipulator. It was really just me giving and giving and he taking and taking and not giving anything back. But I never minded as I thought as long as I gave, he would one day treat me better.
Being young and innocent and untrained then, that was an experience. In those days, there were no such things as date coaching or relationship seminars, which was why people made mistakes and just learned along the way.
Since then, I had to learn how to handle relationships better. Of course, being in a relationship and for someone one used to like, there should not be any calculation who gave more and who gave less, as we all did it willingly at some points in our lives, with the then loves of our lives.
I also realise that in a relationship, it does not mean giving blindly. Of course, it does not mean just taking and not giving. Through the years, I reached a compromise for myself. What are those things which I can give willingly and what are those that I absolutely will not give in to?
In every relationship, there are always compromise on both parties, mutual giving and taking. So I reached a consensus. What are those things I can let go and what are those things which I cannot let go?
Things I cannot let go - race (although now I include Eurasians), religion (although now I am rather flexible on this, provided he respect my religion and not stop me from going to church nor question or put down my beliefs), height, values (same values towards family, intimacy, attitude towards lifelong learning and upgrading, trying out new and interesting things, travelling and immersing in different culture, outlook in life), intelligence and articulacy (it is still better to be with someone we can converse and talk with and not someone whom we run out of topics sooner or later).
The rest I can let go. Interests wise is secondary as compared to someone committed and of the same values, as with commitment, we can compromise on a lot of things.
Being in a relationship is accommodating and learning things from each other after all, and if someone is not willing to even do that, then chances are he / she is not committed and not serious about the relationship in the first place.
Besides, by getting married earlier, both can still pursue own interests, like further education. So if let's say the husband wants to go overseas to pursue further education, the wife should let him go. Then when he comes back, his perspectives in life will be different, so the wife will say to him, "This time I will go and pursue higher education."
Then at the end of it all, both will be even better suited for each other in terms of growth and perspectives. Interesting concept. I remember she made us take down notes on the manipulator and martyr in love.
Looking through the old notes, make me realise that actually studying and school is really fun. How I wish I can go back to being a full-time student! I used to have so many ideals and dreams of my future when I was still a student, and now I still have dreams and ideals, but in a more realistic way.
What that particular lecturer told us about was pretty interesting. She said there are two aspects of love - that of a martyr and that of a manipulator. The martyr is the type that gives and gives, and the true happiness lies in giving all to the partner, without asking for anything back.
The manipulator is the type that takes and takes, and expects the partner to just give without giving any back in return. So the conclusion is, the manipulator and the martyr are the perfect match.
Of course, in those days when I was paying attention (contrary to what a lot of people think, I actually do pay attention during class) to what she was saying, I was thinking to myself, if one really loves someone, why would one want to just take and take and expect the partner to give and give?
Similarly, how can one just give and give and yet not want anything back in return? No matter how much one loves a person, there should be give and take, is it not? Needless to say, that was when I just started attending the new school, and before I entered into any relationship. Ah, the idealistic idiosyncrasies of youth!
When I actually entered a relationship, I realised that things were not so easy as how I perceived them to be. In my very first relationship, I became the martyr to his manipulator. It was really just me giving and giving and he taking and taking and not giving anything back. But I never minded as I thought as long as I gave, he would one day treat me better.
Being young and innocent and untrained then, that was an experience. In those days, there were no such things as date coaching or relationship seminars, which was why people made mistakes and just learned along the way.
Since then, I had to learn how to handle relationships better. Of course, being in a relationship and for someone one used to like, there should not be any calculation who gave more and who gave less, as we all did it willingly at some points in our lives, with the then loves of our lives.
I also realise that in a relationship, it does not mean giving blindly. Of course, it does not mean just taking and not giving. Through the years, I reached a compromise for myself. What are those things which I can give willingly and what are those that I absolutely will not give in to?
In every relationship, there are always compromise on both parties, mutual giving and taking. So I reached a consensus. What are those things I can let go and what are those things which I cannot let go?
Things I cannot let go - race (although now I include Eurasians), religion (although now I am rather flexible on this, provided he respect my religion and not stop me from going to church nor question or put down my beliefs), height, values (same values towards family, intimacy, attitude towards lifelong learning and upgrading, trying out new and interesting things, travelling and immersing in different culture, outlook in life), intelligence and articulacy (it is still better to be with someone we can converse and talk with and not someone whom we run out of topics sooner or later).
The rest I can let go. Interests wise is secondary as compared to someone committed and of the same values, as with commitment, we can compromise on a lot of things.
Being in a relationship is accommodating and learning things from each other after all, and if someone is not willing to even do that, then chances are he / she is not committed and not serious about the relationship in the first place.
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