Deserving Of Respect?

My sex entry sparked off lots of negativity. Not that I was not expecting that, but feedback generated from some (read : my ex) is that I am not being fair to the other guys who had been with me before.

What is fair or unfair anyway? It is my choice, who is he to tell me how fairly or unfairly I treated him? Talk about fairness, what about the time I went to clean his fish tank in between rehearsing for a major performance just so he could have a computer challenge with his dad? Or the time when he promised me to stop asking me for sex, and half an hour later almost forced himself on me when I was napping in his room?

Anyway, that is not the issue. Religious issue aside, perhaps if he had stopped pestering and asking, I might have given in. As it was, I did not have the confident whether he really loved me or whether he just wanted sex.

I guess I just want to feel respected. I almost gave in to my second ex, but at that time I was still strong over abstinence. Besides, he himself is religious so he knows it is a cardinal sin. Not that he did not have needs, he is a guy after all.

But he respected me enough not to go further. When I was staying in the hostel during university, there were some days when I stayed over at his place. We slept on the same bed in his room, yet nothing happened.

No one ever believed me when I said nothing happened, but really nothing happened. We just slept together, sometimes with me in his arms, but that was about it. We were also both fully clothed and not exposed to each other.

If my third ex had shown me the same amount of respect, perhaps I would have given in earlier. I remember a time when we were not talking to each other for a few days because he was frustrated over work, and I was frustrated over work and we ended up screaming at each other.

So after a few days, he called me and asked if he could come over to my place. I thought he wanted to make peace, so of course I agreed. When he came over and went up to my room, he just pushed me on my bed and started his advances.

I was really shocked, and he confessed that he really needed sex since he was feeling so frustrated. So what was I to him? Someone there to just satisfy his needs as and when he liked? Did he even ask me if that was what I wanted or liked him to do? And it was my house and my room for goodness sake! Show some courtesy to me in my own house!

Everyone deserves respect and understanding. How can you show someone you love a person if all you want is your own way and your own needs satisfied? What about the partner? Does he / she not have needs too? And are you going to satisfy his / her needs if all you do is to take but never give? (And I do not mean sexual needs, but psychological and emotional needs.)

There are a few reasons why I chose to give this time round. First, I did want to experience how it was like, and I am happy with the experience. Heck, I am in my late twenties! Kids half my age are already satisfying their urges so much more than me!

Second, he treats me with the utmost love and respect anyone can ever ask for, and more. Third, he gave me the confidence that he desires me, my love and my companionship, not my body.

But sex is only a small fraction of a relationship. If you really love someone, that should not even be the issue of conflict or what the entire relationship is based on. A relationship can only survive if both parties love, respect and understand each other in more ways than this.

Nitty-Gritties At Work

Friday, and I hope my week of trouble ends. I had more trouble at work today, simply because the other party cannot make up their minds, and made me spend a very unproductive day amending the same document seven times in a row.

And I am really sick of answering phone calls! Some of the callers are so ridiculous that they ask all the most obvious questions. When my boss is not around, her calls will be automatically bounced to me.

The caller will ask for her and I answered she is not around and ask to take a message. The caller then ask, "Why is she not around?" How would I know?! I do not track her schedule, only her phone calls and her correspondence!

Some callers will call and said that they spoke to someone, but could not remember who they spoke to and what time they called. Which means they could have spoken to anyone, and yet they ask me why is it I do not know who they spoke to?

Of course I will not know if they themselves do not know! They are the ones who spoke to whoever they spoke to, not me! I am not some psychic that I can read their minds and see the past!

To top it off, my boss remarked that my skirt is too short. Three inches above the knee, and she says it is too short. She said the length must be at least to the knee level. Which era is she living in?!

If she finds my executive skirt short, she should see the length (or lack of) of some other skirts I have! Even my school uniforms in the past had never reached knee-length, always at least two to three inches above the knees!

A pity I am not entitled to any annual leave whatsoever for the time being. How I wish I can just take a day off and get away from all these!

Always A First ....

I was listening to the tune “First Time” on the “Winter Sonata” CD, where the male lead was playing the song for the female lead on the piano in the show. He remarked that it was his first time playing a song for anyone, and she said that it was also her first time anyone had played a song for her.

Come to think of it, I have done a lot of things for the first time, and a lot of things happen to me for the first time ever since I started this relationship. But I am loving every day, every hour, every minute and every second of it all (other than my extreme mood swings)!

First time I am with someone older.

First time I am in an office romance.

First time I am so well-treated.

First time I ever feel so loved by anyone.

First time I love someone so much that every second we are apart is pure torture.

First time I miss someone so much whenever we are apart that I count the minutes until we see each other again.

First time someone comes out to meet me in the wee hours of the morning.

First time I sneak out of my house in the middle of the night just to meet someone for supper and a moonlit walk.

First time someone sends me flowers all the way to my doorstep.

First time someone actually asks if he can hold my hand and kiss me even when we were already officially together.

First time my boyfriend took one whole week after we have officially started just to hold my hand and kissed me, for the first time.

And of course, first time I have gone all the way and made love with someone I love.

But I guess there is always a first for everything. That is what makes life so much more interesting and exciting!

Having said that, I believe I am confirmed a lost cause now. And that is also a first for me!

Needy, Clingy And Whiny

I knew this is going to be a bad week. I have yet another bad day. I initially started off in a pretty fine mood until something happened at work and I got so irritated and my mood just started going downhill from there.

I was so quiet on my way back that I daresay my darling was wondering what happened. Actually I wanted to just hug him and cry, wanted his company, wanted to talk and bitch, but since he already skipped his jogging routine for me last night, I was reluctant to ask him to skip his routine again today.

I feel so useless. I cannot seem to achieve any success in what I do. There are people with looks, brains, personality, capability, property, wheels, family and investments to last them for a life time. What do I have?

Nothing! Looks wise, nothing to speak of. Personality wise, I am a whiner, I complain too much, I am self-centred and think only of myself. Brains, nothing to mention there as well. Capability, also nothing there.

I have yet to own any property or wheels or have lots of investment, but these are immaterial actually. Family wise, how I wish I grew up in a happier family. I see my friends who are already married with kids, and I yearn so much to be the same, happily married with kids.

The average marrying age for a local female is 27, male is 30. I am already above that, yet my status is still legally single. Yes, I am in a happy and wonderful relationship, but I have learnt from previous experience that nothing becomes really secure or official until one is legally married.

As if that is not enough, I met another wolf today. These guys are getting bolder and bolder! I was just walking home and thinking to myself and trying to remember if I still have any Kit-Kats left at home to get over my depression, when this guy on a motorbike just whizzed by.

At first it was nothing, but he suddenly leaned over and brushed his lips across my cheek! I was too shocked to react and he scooted off before I could even get a look at his face. In any case, I was so depressed that I was not even in the mood to feel irritated or angry!

I never know anyone can be daring enough to kiss someone in broad daylight (okay, evening twilight) just like that! A pity I did not catch his face or his bike number, otherwise I would have lodged a report immediately!

I am really tired. Tired from the stress at work, tired from the insecurity that the relationship may not last again, tired from having to fend off all these perverts lately, tired mostly from outbursts of uncontrolled emotions.

In case any of you are wondering, I am still in a happy relationship, we have not quarrelled or anything. I guess I am just in an extra clingy and needy mood from being so depressed over my work and health problems. And it sucks to have to face the rest of the day by yourself when one is in such a mood.

To Be More Understanding ....

How I wish I can be less selfish! He actually gave up his normal exercise routine last night just to bring me to see the doctor and took me out for dinner after that. I could have told him to go ahead and jog, but I was in a rather needy mood since I was feeling so uncomfortable from the Urinary Tract Infection that I wanted him around.

I really wish I can be more understanding. There are so many times when I wish he can be around for me. Like on Sundays when we do not meet up and I start to miss him, I want so much to see him and be with him.

Although I have never mentioned this to him, but how I wish we can meet each other on Sundays too. However Sunday is the only day he can get together with his entire family, so I tend to leave him alone as I do not wish him to compromise his family time as well.

Am I too selfish to think like this, to want to see him all the time, to hope he can be with me always? What can I do to be more understanding?

Trouble At The Start Of The Week

This week started off in a bad light. I had trouble ranging from my ex to my health to my boss to our clients. Or maybe I am the one courting trouble for myself. Perhaps if I stop anticipating trouble, things can just flow smoothly.

I just came back from a visit to the doctor. Apparently I have a bladder infection, resulting from not drinking enough water lately and sometimes controlling the urge to go. The drinking less water part is noted, but sometimes I cannot help but to control the urge, especially if there are no restrooms around.

Still, it was quite a relief. When I started experiencing pain last night while in the bathroom, I thought I had kidney stones. That would be the most horrifying thing ever to happen to anyone, because the pain can be really excruciating.

My guy was so guilty as he thought he could be the source of my infection, since the doctor said that sexually active people are more prone to this. But how can I be considered sexually active when I have only just lost my virginity? Anyway he is not down with any infection whatsoever, so I guess that rules it out. Still, he brought me to see the doctor and paid for my medical bill.

Then the company transport I was on this morning had a tyre loose, so the driver had to stop in the middle of the expressway. We were stranded for about half an hour since he could not go such a long distance with only three functioning tyres. So he had to call for backup.

The bus came half an hour later, so we were all half an hour late for work. I was in such a nervous state as I had to go for a major meeting at noon, and my notes were still in a mess! I was panicking on whether I could prepare for the meeting on time, but luckily managed to clear everything before the meeting started.

I was so pissed with my ex yesterday! No doubt I was prepared for negative feedback due to my sex post, but what disappoints me is that he accused me of being a hypocrite by not doing with him and in the end doing it with someone else.

Is that all he cares about?! Then I really made the right choice by giving him up in the first place. He actually asked me what is so different about this guy that I was willing to give myself to him.

Of course he is different! He is the first guy I have ever been in a relationshp with that treats me so well that sometimes he really renders me speechless. He is the first guy that really treats me with respect, kindness and gentleness.

He does not throw tantrums, nor interrupts me in the middle of a speech, nor argue over every little thing I say, nor criticise or put me down all the time.

There is really no basis for comparison since every one is different, but if my ex really wants a comparison, then I must say that none of my guys has ever come close to letting me feel so loved before. Which is why I believe I can trust him enough to give.

Scent Of A Woman (Or Man)

At times when I was strolling along in a train station or on the streets, I pass by people who smelt as if they poured the entire bottle of perfume over them. And by people, I mean both guys and girls.

Of course, people will use perfume or cologne to make themselves smell nicer, but they do not need to have such a suffocating smell. If they are trying to attract others, then their plans will backfire as the smell alone will put others off.

All along, perfume has been regarded as one of women’s beauty essentials. It makes a woman smell more womanly and sexy. Women swear by perfumes to make the men go crazy over them, which is why all the cosmetic giants keep developing new formulas and smells.

I put on perfume when I go out too, although mine is just a little dab behind my ears and wrists. Some women will spray their underarms, their wrists, their ears, which explains why they smell like they poured the entire bottle over themselves.

I feel fresher and cleaner after putting on perfume. To be able to smell nice (although people can hardly smell me) really makes me feel more womanly and confident. Strangely, my guys have never commented on the way I smell, nor have they ever asked me to put on any particular perfume for them.

The guys I know have no opinions on their girls wearing perfume. Either that, or they themselves wear stronger perfume than their girls! They will comment on their girls putting on too much makeup, or being too scantily clad, but they have never once mentioned the perfume worn by the girls.

My favourite brands are Christian Dior’s J'Adore, Clinique’s Happy For Women, Estee Lauder’s Pleasures and Beyond Paradise, Calvin Klein’s Eternity (for both women and men, obviously with the guy wearing the men's one) and of course, the classic Chanel’s No. 5, the mother of all perfumes.

Incidentally the guys I have been with all wear perfume. They will spray on a little perfume when they go out, and sometimes they smell even better than me!

I know people who think guys who put on perfume are sissies or gays, but actually macho men are the ones who put on more perfume, since they want to smell “manly” and “sexy”. And trust me, guys who put on perfume do reek of more sex appeal!

Maybe it is the same when girls put on perfume. Something is just different, and they suddenly get more attractive to the opposite sex. So perhaps I should start bathing in perfume from now on so that I can smell better. Then perhaps people can start remarking on how nice I smell! :-p

Remember Remember The Fifth Of November ....

Remember remember the Fifth of November
Gunpowder treason and plot
I see no reason why gunpowder treason
Should ever be forgot.

The nursery rhyme written exclusively for Guy Fawkes Day in 1605 England, where a group of conspirators were plotting to bomb the Parliament House. They were all hanged for treason, but their idea lingered on.

So sayeth V, while he tried to bomb the Big Ben of London in the opening scene of "V For Vendetta". Beautiful language, beautiful speech, and I love the way he manages to enrich my sparse vocabulary by speaking in all kinds of words beginning with the letter 'V'.

The movie itself was on oppression by the government of its people, and only through mass rallies, riots and bombs to make statements that the government could be overthrown. Thus, gunpowder treason should be a lesson not just on the public minds, but also the government in order to have peace.

My friend loves the show, and he is in awe of the way the character V was speaking. He says he wished he could speak like that. Fast, fluent, real proper English, yet manages to get the message across at the same time.

Speaking of the beauty of the English language, I managed to get a treasure yesterday. A treaure to me, at least, in the form of a thick hard-cover book with gold-lined pages and printed on thin white paper, with the title "Shakespeare : The Complete Works", and a colour portrait of the Bard himself on the cover.

I cannot believe I actually found it at a rental book store! I have been looking for a book like this for ages! A compilation of all of Shakespeare's works in chronological order, from his first play to his last, his poems and sonnets, with a biography and an introduction. What a find!

I was rather hesitant to get the book, since it was rather expensive, but I succumbed to temptation and so, the book is now in my hands! And I must say, the bookstore owner seemed relieved to get rid of that book, probably because no one would ever buy it. I am probably the only one insane enough to get a book like this - thick, bulky, heavy, very small print, expensive.

But now that such a treasure is in my hands, I will slowly devour page by page, and immerse myself in the beauty of the olde English language once again! Now if only I can get my hands on the chocolate book, it will be another treasure for me!

Making Sense Of Dollars And Cents

I am getting rather disillusioned with the society nowadays. Everything is in terms of dollars and cents. Family, education, childbirth, people do things only if they have some compensation in terms of monetary values.

Just like for school entrance. No doubt there are some schools where the demand of students entering (or rather, demand of parents wanting the children to enter) far exceeds the number of places available.

So what do the schools do? Take in students whose parents can afford to make a big donation. Does it mean that those parents who cannot afford to make a donation lose out? Does it mean then that poor pupils can never go to a good school to be educated then?

No matter how rich or poor the pupils are, they have every right to go to any school to be educated. Schools should not take in pupils based on how much their parents’ pockets are worth. Education should not equate to monetary benefits.

If they do this, they are indirectly telling the parents who in turn may indirectly tell the kids that with money, anything is possible, and those kids may then grow up being too focused on wealth and riches, which is not a good thing.

Now the government is trying to promote childbirth and encouraging young couples to get married earlier and having more kids. But a lot of my friends are unwilling to give birth even though they may get married early.

Why? Because they say it is too expensive to bring up a child. They cannot foresee themselves sacrificing their salaries to rear a child, or sacrificing time to take care of the child. So having a child will make them lose out more in terms of time and money. I find it so sad for anyone to think this way.

Having a kid brings joy to your life and your life will really be enriched once you have a kid to love, to take care of, to teach. There is no greater joy than seeing your child grow up, know the right things, having the right values, being a contributor to the society.

How may money replace any of these? I will give anything to hear my child talk, see my child walk the first step, see the progress and development. I will consider this as time truly well-spent.

So since people are complaining how expensive it is to have kids, the government is now giving monetary benefits for those who give birth to three or more kids in a desperate bid to increase the birth rate, yet people are complaining the money is not enough.

Is money more important than bringing a life into the world and experiencing the joy this life will bring? I always want five kids be it government policy and benefits or not, that is, if my age and body can still take it. Otherwise at least three.

Even for my mum, she only wanted to stop at two kids as she felt it was too expensive to even take care of one kid. So when she was pregnant with my youngest brother, she was contemplating the idea of abortion, partly as she was at the high-risk pregnancy age.

But my dad and aunt advised her against it. My dad said he would be fully responsible no matter how the baby turned up, and my aunt said it was a life, so give birth to the baby, and if my mum still refused to take care, my aunt would adopt the baby.

So my brother was born, and my mum did not bear to give him away after that as he was the cutest, smartest and best-looking among all of us, and he never lets us forget that. Which explains why my parents dote on him so much.

I also find it sad that nowadays people are so calculative even among family members. Like my youngest brother is forever complaining about giving all the red packets we receive during Chinese New Year to my mum every year.

He said why must I be so obedient to turn over all the red packets to her, now he has to follow suit as well? He says every new year he makes a big loss. I told him that it is just money; and besides, new year is when we get to see relatives we seldom see throughout the year and that should be the mentality, not on how many red packets one receives.

Perhaps it is to do with one’s upbringing. Parents spend all their time making money, thus indirectly telling the children that money is more important than anything else. These children will grow up and do the same thing and inculcate the same mentality in their own children. It is a vicious cycle, and a very sad one indeed.

Love For A Song?

I was looking through my song book and came across this aria entitled “My Lovely Celia”, supposedly to be sung by a tenor. Well, well, one adjective that has never been used to describe me. I will be in seventh heaven if I am ever described as “lovely”!

This triggered off a rather evil thought. I am thinking that when I get attached, maybe I will ask him to learn the song and sing it for me. Or if I get married, the groom will sing it for me in front of everyone. Better still if he is not a singer, then I will know just how far he is willing to go for me. :-p *evil laughter*

Alright, I should not be so mean. If one truly loves someone, he / she will automatically be willing to do anything to make the other person happy. If he masters the song and sing it to me on his own accord to surprise me, I will really be so touched. I rather he do it out of his own free will and not because I asked him to.

But then, love should not be measured by just a mere song. Like what someone said, it is the little touches in everyday living that truly matter.

Mutual "Thrust"

Extract of an email from the other party regarding a contract negotiation :-

"We like to thrust you .... We would like you to thrust us .... We hope that by thrusting each other we will be able to reach a mutual understanding and things will progress smoothly henceforth."

I wonder if I should revert and comment on the grave error they have committed?

Of Insurance Agents And Financial Planners

Most people I know shy away from insurance agents or financial advisors. The financial planning type of job is thankless as people normally do not give these agents a chance. They are pushy mainly because they need to meet their quotas and do well in their jobs.

I do not know about the experiences of the rest, but between financial advisors and multi-level marketers, I much rather spend time talking to a financial planner. You can just talk and share information but you are not obligated to buy anything. Furthermore I am very pleased with the services of my agents and they have never given me any cause for displeasure or complaints.

Whereas for a multi-level marketer, they give you some cock-and-bull story to get you to meet them, then in the end you realize you get conned. So financial advisors are in a way more truthful; as they state down in black and white what exactly they do. For that I give them more respect since they are more honest in their approach.

I have mostly good experiences with insurance agents. In fact, I have two agents of my own. My first agent has been with me ever since I was nineteen. She is the friend of a friend of a friend, so called me up.

At that point in time, I was quite interested in insurance as I did not have any policy of my own. So I met up with her, and seeing that she was starting out, I did her a favour and bought a life policy. I have been very happy with her services so far as she has gone some extra miles for me.

Years later, my friend introduced me to his own financial advisor from another company. She is a nice lady, not too pushy and makes sure you are comfortable. In the end, even when I did not get anything from her, she left with no hard feelings.

My second agent is actually a good friend. When I first met her last year, I found that we are able to click together as she is a very jolly and bubbly person. She is sincere to everyone and really cares for her friends. That was long before I even knew what she works as.

Even after I found out her profession, she has never pushed any sale towards me or any of our friends. For her, a friend is a friend, not a business prospect, and that got me respecting her even more.

Then when I heard from a couple of our common friends on how they approached her to draw up their policies and invest their CPF funds for them, I called her up and asked her how to go about investing my CPF funds.

My first agent did ever ask if I wanted to invest my CPF funds with her, but at that point in time, I was reluctant since I thought I was buying a flat soon, and needed the cash to pay the deposit. Incidentally, my friend also belongs to the same company as my first agent, but different agencies.

The reason I chose my friend was because she seemed more knowledgeable on the different types of policies and investments of the company. When I asked my first agent, she could not give me a satisfactory enough answer on how certain policies would be good for me. But my friend was able to convince me on which policy would be the best for me.

I know it may just be a sales gimmick, but if a customer indicates interest in a product, the person making the sale should at least make it sound convincing enough so the customer would buy it happily. No customer would want to buy from someone who could not even bring across the message clearly.

Anyway when I met up with my friend, she only explained to me how everything works. She still left the choice to me whether to take up the policy. But after seeing how beneficial CPF investment can be, I took up the investment account, plus another savings plan which can generate high interest cash back every year, together with all the critical illnesses and ladies’ illnesses coverage.

So now I have a total of four plans – one life insurance, one savings plan that can generate cash back and high interest every year after a year, one CPF Ordinary Account investment (yearly deductions) and one CPF Special Account investment (one-time deduction of a lump sum). These are more than enough already.

My friend just told me that I have become a Prestige member of the company, and gave me the Prestige card, since my total savings, investment and insurance have reached a certain amount. I should expect so, considering the amount of premium I pay every month, plus the fact that I have blown almost all my CPF funds into investment.

Besides my two agents, I have been called up by other agents before, incidentally all from the same company. I have met up with two so far. They are nice and friendly, and accept it when I turn down their plans.

And whenever I come across a road show put up by the company, they will greet me if they are around. Impressive, able to remember me even after one meeting, and after I wasted their time!

However there is one agent (also from the same company) that I am really angry with. She was doing a survey at a train station and asked if I would like to meet up with her. I just graduated then and not posted out yet, but I agreed to meet her just to see what she had.

The first time I was supposed to meet her, I had to attend an orientation for new teachers, so I cancelled the appointment. She sounded angry, and told me that she has a schedule to follow, so if I cancel, it would be disrupting her entire schedule.

I was irritated, but still agreed to postpone and meet up with her. My friends were bewildered as they said if it were them, they would have been so turned off by the unprofessional attitude and never meet up with her again.

That second time I was supposed to meet her, I was held up in school so I changed the venue to near my school instead of town area. I needed to bring a student home, so would be around that area.

When she arrived, she just started sharing her policies with me and I was not even able to get a word in, When she was done, I told her that I just started working, so I would like to have some job stability first before I think of getting more policies. I only had my life insurance policy then, and was looking around for a financial savings plan that could give me cash returns.

Then she asked if I wanted to buy any of her policies in the first place. I told her not at that point in time, perhaps another year later. With that, her face crumbled, she muttered that she had another appointment and just rushed off.

My colleague who was with me then was so shocked at the attitude of that agent. She kept remarking that the agent was so unprofessional and I could actually lodge a complain. What was the point? I did waste her time in making her come meet me and then in the end did not get anything. But that did not mean I liked her attitude either. Agent or not, one does not throw tantrums at others even as a friend.

I wonder how long that particular agent lasted though. If she wants to be in that line, she must face rejections and last-minute cancellations without complaints. Which is why not everyone can be in that line. One must be really thick-skinned and able to take rejections and doors slamming in your faces in order to even survive.

Money, Glamour Or Passion?

Most of my peers grow up with “typical” parents who want their kids to do Medicine or Law or Engineering, including mine. I remember my mum used to tell me that she would be so glorified if our family can groom a lawyer. I know these parents mean well, but on the other hand, their children may resent them for being made to do things which they do not like.

I know people who studied a certain course because their parents wanted them to, then upon graduation, told their parents it was time to do what they liked. Good idea, but then in that case they have spent the years mugging away for nothing, when they could have just done what they wanted in the first place.

I have friends who did Medicine or Law or Engineering or Architecture just because their parents insisted on them doing those courses. In the end they hated what they studied (even though some of them were really good at their work) and refused to enter those professions.

My second ex never wanted to do Law. He did it only because he made the grade and he was from the Arts stream, so it was rather limited to choose a course as he was not eligible for most other courses. Yet he had never utilized whatever he studied.

My third ex never wanted to do Engineering as well, but his dad wanted to groom an engineer and his friends all went into Engineering, so he chose the course to please his parents and be with his friends.

In the end, he struggled through the course, hated his Engineering studies, and now branching out into a totally different area without ever working as an engineer, and wasted all his years of studies.

My mum has a friend who has two daughters. The elder one is better in her studies and the younger one is just average. The parents made the elder one study Law, but once she graduated, she chose to be a tour leader as she wanted to travel.

The younger girl went to a local design school to study Fashion Design, and now she is one of the up and coming fashion designers of the era, earning even more money than what her parents have ever imagined.

But why must parents impose what they want on us? If I had insisted on my way and not listened to my parents, I could have achieved success at a much younger age and spent my life doing what I love, instead of being stuck in a rut now.

Parents think only by taking Medicine or Law or Engineering that we can be assured of a good future, as these are the professions that earn the most money, most glamorous and people will look at you in admiration if you say you are in one of these jobs.

What they fail (or perhaps inconveniently forget) to mention is that these are also the professions that are the most highly-stressed, and if you do not like what you do, you may not last for long there.

Parents all want a good future for their children, but as long as the children themselves like what they do, does it matter what course they study and what they end up doing next time as long as they are eking out a decent living on their own? Is money, glamour or face so important to the parents rather than their own kids’ happiness?

Many people have the mentality that they want to be a doctor or a lawyer because they want lots and lots of money. This should not be the attitude. One should always do something with the idea that you like it and it will benefit others.

Like if one wants to be a doctor, it should be on the basis that doctors cure the sick and help them recover, not on how much money one can earn. No doubt everyone is making a living, but does that mean that a poor sick person should not be cured just because he / she does not have the money to pay?

Or if one wants to be a lawyer, it should be on the mentality that you are doing a service to others by helping them solve their property dispute, or helping a person wrongly accused, or sentence a guilty person. One reason I do not want to be a lawyer after all is because there is a risk of getting a murderer off.

If I had become a lawyer, I could not refuse the case just because I believed the client guilty, all the more so if the client pays a lot and if the main partner asked me to take the case. It is as if as long as a murderer is willing to pay good money, one must try his / her best to get him / her off scot free. That is something that is against my principles and I would never be able to live with myself when that happened.

I do not wish to continue working in a law firm also because I see some poor people coming to seek advice, yet the lawyers charge them equally as per normal rate. Losing a few thousand is nothing to the lawyer considering what they earn, but that amount can be someone’s life savings.

I always thought that since we are in this line, it is our job to give advise, so even if one cannot afford to pay, we should not turn them away or quote them something high. The worst thing was to chase for payment from people who genuinely could not afford the high fees.

There had also been reports of some lawyers who used the law to their advantage and got involved in bribery, extortion and corruption. That should not be the case. Has greed really gone into a person so much that besides money, nothing else, not even conscience, matters anymore?

Has the society become so heartless that without money, nothing else can happen? If someone is dying but has not money on him, should the doctor not save him as first priority rather than worry if he can afford the fees?

If someone is wrongfully accused but is declared a bankrupt, should the lawyer not help get him off the hook before he gets hanged for nothing, rather than turning him away just because he will not be able to pay?

I am not against doctors or lawyers per se. In fact, I hold them in very high regard, because they are smart and capable enough to go through such tough courses and meet the demands of their work.

All I am saying is that to go into this line, one should give priority to help others in need, rather than monetary rewards. Overall, if one wants to study Medicine or Law or whatsoever, it must be because they are guided by passion, not because of the glamour or cash returns or giving their parents “face”.

If one has no passion for the job, then no matter how much money one is paid or how glamorous the job is, you will not like what you do and find your life meaningless after a while wondering why you are stuck in something you hate.

Mahjong Galore!

My brother just lost big time on a mahjong game with his friends today. Come to think of it, how long was it since I last played mahjong? I have not touched a single tile for more than a year.

My friends are surprised that I can play mahjong, as they think I shun anything Chinese and adopt anything Western. In a way it is true. I can play a bit of chess, but I cannot play Chinese chess. I go for Western operas and musicals, but I will not be caught dead in a Chinese opera. Different strokes for different folks I guess.

I remember when there was a gathering at my best friend's place years ago, I was there with my ex, her ex, and our group of school mates. It was just a casual lunch get-together, when someone suggested playing mahjong. Since she has a set, she set up the table and took the tiles out.

Only three of them were playing, so they got her sister to join in. My friend wanted me to play, but my best friend told him not to bother since it was highly unlikely I could play. Well.... she was right there.

I started learning how to play when I was with my third ex, as his friends all are "gamblers". I started observing, questioning, and sort of learnt the strategy through observation. Then I started playing online mahjong, and got to learn the proper and actual strategy how to win and score.

The real test was when I first started playing with my ex and his friends. Usually I would be the only girl in the group, so his friends were rather considerate. As much as they could, they let me win and score points, and gave me pointers on what to do and what not to do.

Needless to say, I still lost more than I won. Luckily we never played high stakes, so the losses were not that great. But at least I learnt how to strategise in winning as much as possible, especially when there came the situation when one could not decide which tile to throw out.

It was pretty enriching actually. Although mahjong can be addictive, but it is also an intellectually stimulating game. It helps one think, analyse, strategise and process how best to go about winning the goal.

Given a chance, I would like to play again. Right now, I can only go back to playing online mahjong, hopefully to hone my techniques.

All The Coloured Wolves ....

Why do I meet so many wolves lately? (I do not mean you, Ole Wolvie. But then again, I have yet to meet you. :-p) I was taking a nap in the train on my way home just now when I woke up just before I alighted and this fellow standing right in front of me was looking down .... into my dress.

I am getting so irritated with all these fellows around! Is a girl not safe anywhere now? Gone were those days when ladies needed escorts just to be out on the streets. Now we girls are independent and able to take care of ourselves, but somehow still meet desperados who target just about anyone off the streets.

Speaking of which, my previous post sparked off lots of responses. I am really touched as there are so many people out there who are concerned about my welfare, people whom I have never met and who are strangers in cyberspace. All I can say is "thank you" and I really appreciate your concerns.

However, there are some long-lost jokers whom I thought have already gone out of my life, suddenly asking since I have done it, am I willing to do it with them then? Now what gives anyone the idea that just because I have given in, I am then willing to do it with just about anyone?

I have a boyfriend, for goodness sake! A very nice one at that! I am not going to jeopardise my relationship for anything! Never will I ever cheat on him or fool around, not that I have ever done that in the first place.

Some people think that as long as you are not married, can still fool around. Even after one is married can still divorce. Granted we are living in the modern society where fooling around is so rampant, but I am a one-man woman, just like I will expect my guy to be a one-woman man.

What loyalty and respect will I be showing him if I can just have flings with anyone? How can I say I love him if I cannot even be faithful and play around? If I am the type of person who do not even take love relationships seriously, then I do not deserve to be loved by anyone, and I do not deserve to love anyone.

I have always been faithful to whoever I am with, and this aspect is not going to change. So if those guys want to meet me just to have a fling with me, I say forget it. Do not even bother asking me out as I will not respond. The last thing I want is to put myself into a position to be taken advantage of by others.

Difference Between Love And Lust

Some people are just intellectually challenged. Either that, or they need lesson in the common sense. When someone says he / she is attached, it means he / she has found someone to love. In other words, the person has already found a boyfriend or girlfriend, and is not available anymore.

I have people who used to ask me what do I mean when I say I am attached? If I am attached, it means I am attached to a lot of things - to my work (not really actually), my activities, but mostly to the one special person! Which means all other undesirable characters, scoot off!

I have people asking me, if I can hug or kiss or hold my boyfriend's hand, what is the difference between doing that and doing the same thing to a friend? Are they kidding?! Of course there is a difference! When you have strong feelings for someone, everything you do with that person is different from just mere doing the same things with anyone else.

When you love someone, you will want to hold the hand, with the fingers clasped tightly around his / her hand. You will always want the wonderful sensation of feeling his / her hand in yours, his / her fingers around yours. I will not go around holding just any guy's hand!

When you love someone, your hug will be different from just a mere friendly hug. A simple bear hug by a friend is for comfort, whereas a hug by your loved one embraces you in warmth, love, security and happiness. These can never be experienced by someone you do not have chemistry with.

Even the kiss is different. A simple peck on the cheek by my male cousin is just that - a friendly peck. If your loved one gives you a peck on the cheek, you will feel good all over. You will have an onslaught of feelings, and you will want to kiss him / her back.

The ultimate test is the kiss on the lips. If you truly love someone, a kiss on the lips sends you flying to the other corners of the world before coming back down to Earth. And this is enjoyed most with your eyes closed, then you can truly experience the sensation of excitement and longing. (I will not go into what French kissing can do for a person in love.)

From what I was told, even making love and sex is different with someone you love and someone just off the streets. Making love with someone you love is the most beautiful thing in the world, whereas just doing it with anyone without any feelings is just that - a process. It is the love which causes the act to be so enjoyable and fulfilling.

So how can anyone say it is the same everywhere if people want to hold hands or hug or kiss or even make love with anyone? It is totally different if you do it with someone you really love. In fact, these should be done with someone you love, not just anyone. Otherwise, how can one tell whether you are truly in love or whether you are just lusting after someone?

Love is what makes everything different. Without love, all things come to nought as it is only mere lust.

Shakespeare (Heroine) In Love!

I have made up my mind. I am going to participate in Project Pink! I am taking a rather bold step here, but I believe I have enough material to warrant submission. It is a good thing I blog after all, otherwise I will never have enough memories, nor remember the ups and downs experiences of my life. Women must always stick by women!

Well.... I do not want to insult my favourite bard, but seeing that I took this moniker, so in a way, the title reflects me as well. As I think back on the events of the past few weeks, I realise I have never been happier in my life. I never know how much I can love someone, and how much someone can love me. Now it seems like whatever I had felt in the past were minuscule as compared to how I am feeling now.

It is true when you truly love someone, you will want to spend every second with the person. You will want to know everything about the person. I miss him each time he is not with me. I miss him even at work, and I have to fight off temptation to go up and give him a hug when I see him in the office.

Even if we do not get a chance to talk to each other the whole day, just a smile and a nod from him makes my day. Just a glance from him puts a smile on my face. I feel happy and excited the whole day, yet tortured, knowing he is within close proximity but at the same time not being able to do anything mushy.

He is always in my thoughts. I think of him before I sleep at night, and he is the first person I think of when I awake. Each time we go out and he walk me home, we hug each other goodbye, and it is always so hard to part. It is so hard to say goodbye.

There are always so many things I want to say to him, but I fear I chatter too much, yet he says he loves to hear me talk. And he really listens to the end, no matter what I say, no interruption at all.

I have really really fallen, fallen, fallen..... deep deep deep. I never know I will ever have feelings like these again, but this time, the feelings are so much more and so much stronger than before. If this is what true love is, then may it stay this way for the rest of my life!

A Dedication ....

I always wanted to write out a love poem of my own, but I suck at poetry, thus I have to resort to using sonnets from the greatest writers of old.

One of my favourite love sonnets is from Elizabeth Barrett Browning, who wrote to her husband, the poet Robert Browning, during the nineteenth century. She has really summed up what love itself should be like.

Elizabeth Barrett Browning, Sonnet 43, Sonnets From The Portugese

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of everyday’s
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood’s faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints, - I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! – and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

Phone Phobia?

Is there such a thing as phone phobia? According to "The Teenage Textbook", there is such a thing, and there is even a word for it - ringringhellophobia, obviously a word created by the author himself.

I remember when the telephone used to be the main mode of communication, before the e-mail or mobile came out. When I entered a relationship, I was on the phone most of the time. Or rather, he kept me on the phone, as he could talk to me (not a conversation, a monologue) from 4:00pm to 7:30pm, break for dinner, then again from 8:30pm to 1:00am in the morning.

After a few weeks, my mum was so fed up that she unplugged the phone outside my room. Since then, I never had a phone outside my room ever again. Since I was never allowed to have a phone (or a television) in my room, I had to make do with one outside, but even that was gone.

So whenever he called, I had to go down to the living room to pick up the phone. As usual, he would carry on his monologue for hours. I could not go or get a word in until he finished what he had to say, and often than not, I was at the end of his speech where he would criticise me on something or another.

So in the end, my mum removed the phone in the living room too. Thus, whenever we needed to make a call, we had to go through her first as only the phone in her room was still intact. But after my dad complained of the inconvenience, she put back the phone in the living room, but not the one outside my room. :-(

When the relationship ended, after the initial messed up period, I was so relieved that I did not have to subject my ears to such torture ever again! For a while, things got back to normal. I used the phone just as often to call my friends and chat.

My second ex did not really like using the phone, as he said he would rather talk to me face to face. Until after I grumbled that he never called me, he started calling me, and our phone conversations ranged from a half hour to an hour everyday.

Still, my mum was unhappy at my phone usage, and kept telling me not to hog the phone. So when I finally got my mobile, he and I could then communicate through my mobile and I seldom utilise my house phone ever since then. In fact, the only people who still call me through my house phone are my relatives and my best friend.

My third ex used to message me a lot, until he incurred a hefty bill, so since then, started calling me more often on the phone. But I grew to hate talking on the phone with him as he would always play a fool and got me irritated, then we would end up screaming at each other over the phone.

Through the years however, especially since now there are other modes of communication like messaging, online chatting, e-mailing, I started talking on the phone lesser and lesser. Also I guess after the teenage stage, somehow you just do not feel like talking so much on the phone anymore.

A friend told me that when he was younger, he would also carry on long conversations over the phone with his friends. They would chat the whole night through, talking about movies, latest gossips, etc. But once he was over the stage, he never liked to use the phone anymore. Even at work, he never used the phone unless absolutely urgent.

Lucky him! How I wish sometimes I need not use my phone at work too, but rude people just like to call and hound me. All the companies I have worked in, this is the only place where callers do not know how to be nice when they call in.

I guess everyone will go through the stage where they talk so much on the phone, and after that, they do not seem to like talking on the phone anymore. If you ask me now, although I would still like my guy to call me every now and then, but then I am also fine with messaging and online chatting.

And sometimes, I think that is a better way to communicate, especially for some people who may not be able to express themselves well enough verbally, but yet able to express themselves so well through messaging.

The Lifestyle paper today brought up that perhaps men are not comfortable in expressing themselves verbally, so they prefer to type in order to get their proper thoughts and messages across.

A friend mentioned to me once that guys can be too shy to tell girls certain things whenever they see them, whereas messaging was easier as they could just type and press. I guess as long as one is happy, that does not matter to me.

An Enriching Retreat

Today's retreat was really enriching. At the end of it all, I was so touched that I cried a little. The session was conducted by a Sister from one of the missionaries, which I did not manage to catch the name.

The session was on our journey into the bible class, and onwards to baptism, how we feel about the whole process, how we have grown and how we think we can continue to grow, how the journey has changed us.

There were some sharing and reflecting amongst the sponsors, godparents and those going for baptism. Everyone has his / her own story on how they journey through the faith, and how they grow in their faith.

I shared on my own experiences, how my cousin (who is now my godmother) first started bringing me to church when I was still a little girl, the Cathecism classes I attended while studying at the convent, how my first two ex-boyfriends brought me to church and let me know the teachings of the Bible, how I defended my religion each time my third ex said something against it, how I felt my life was in a rut last year and my friend invited me for the bible class, which made me decide to get baptised.

It gives me the conclusion that at times, even if you do not believe, but the one up there really has His own plans for you. Thus those Christians I know who are pushy need not be so, because when a person is ready, the one above will be the one calling, not anyone else.

I also discover that my life has improved ever since I embarked on the journey of faith. Last year when everything was going downhill, ie career at a standstill, love life gone, family life still not that good, all of a sudden a lot of Catholics entered my life and I became quite good friends with them.

They started sharing with me their own experiences, and encouraged me to take up the class so that I can learn more, and get baptised so I can officially be part of the family. When I started the class, a lot of my questions and doubts have been answered.

All of a sudden, I know where my life is going and how I shall progress. I got a better (although not necessary more enjoyable) job, got the perfect person, and I find my temper, disposition and character improving.

Where in the past I would get irritated over every slight thing, now I let a lot of things be. Where in the past I used to expect my guys to have certain type of behaviour and treatment of me, now I find I am able to be more understanding and not so clingy (I hope).

Partly also because of the fact that this guy knows how to make me happy on his own accord, but still, I find myself being more calm, relaxed and happier once I stop expecting others to live up to my expectations. I realise now that just because I am like this and do certain things, it does not mean others have to do the same. Thus, I have just let lots of things go.

The Sister brought up that although we may not know every bit of the bible after the class, but the fact that we have changed into a better person, and being able to turn over a new leaf is already an indication that we have accepted God in our lives.

Hopefully I can continue being a better person. It is for my own benefit, as well as others. Afterall, I would not like to hurt others unintentionally if I say something wrong, or if I flare up, or if I do something which may hurt others but which I myself am unaware of.

Narrow Escape ... For The 4th Time!

I was almost freaked out tonight. I had a long day, having to go for a church retreat and then evening mass. I was hungry and tired, so by the time I was on the bus, I could not wait to get home!

However, this guy boarded the bus a few stops after me, and he sat on the seat in front. I was glancing out of the window, but through the reflection in the glass, I could see him glancing at me through the corner of his eyes, as his head was turned slightly towards my direction.

At first I thought nothing of it, but then he started becoming bolder. He kept turning his head around and stole some glances. That got me irritated, so I just looked straight in front. Then he turned his head around and looked, not at me, but right at my bosom area!

I quickly folded my arms across my chest. He just made eyes at me, and turned back. I messaged a friend and told him what happened. He was angry, and also said I should cut down on my sexy clothes while out alone.

But it was not like I was wearing anything revealing. I had to go to church, so I was in a long-sleeve top and jeans, although I admit my blouse is a little thin so may be a tad translucent, but still, I was not exposing anything at all.

That guy was so bold that he did not even hide the fact that he was looking. He just kept turning around, and once or twice he smiled at me which looked more like a leering smile. When the bus approached my area, that guy and I happened to be the only ones left on the bus, besides the driver.

Needless to say, I was totally horrified. I got down at my stop, and he actually followed me down. He was standing so close behind me I could almost feel him touching me! I hung around at the coffeeshop at the beginning of my lane, pretended to go to the washroom, then when I saw that fellow looking another way, quickly ran out and ran all the way back home!

I did not even stop to see if he was following me. I just ran until I reached my house, opened the gate, and shouted at my brother to quickly open the door before any suspicious characters found out where I stay.

What a narrow escape! I cannot believe I will still experience this at my age! So far, this type of thing happened to me thrice before. The first time was when I was in upper Primary, I was taking the bus back home after school, and this guy kept looking at me with a sneer. He moved to the seat behind me, and I could feel his fingers subtly touching my shoulders. Just as well he got off at the next stop, otherwise I would have ran for my life!

The second time was at a neighbourhood centre at one of the housing estates. I was shopping for a Valentine's Day gift for my first ex, when I noticed this guy following me around. At first I thought he was just going my direction, but after walking around for so long, he still seemed to be following me around. When I turned around, he pretended to look at something else.

So I walked faster. I could sense him walking faster too. I went to the washroom, and when I got out, he was standing outside, looking straight at me! I panicked and ran all the way to the train station! He followed me, and started loitering around outside the train station.

I lodged a report to the passenger service officer. The officer calmed me down, asked me not to worry, and got one of the supervisors to come out. The supervisor came and asked me what happened, so I told him everything, about how I believed that suspicious character was following me around, and I was not able to lose him.

So the supervisor asked the passenger service officer to keep an eye on the fellow and made sure he did not go through the turnstile, while he accompanied me all the way and waited for me until I boarded the train. How nice of him!

The third time was in the Hong Kong subway. It was crowded, much more crowded than our local subway system. People could hardly even squeeze into the train, let along have standing space. Anyway, my parents needed to keep an eye on my brothers, so they entered one carriage, then it was so full so I had to enter the next one.

This guy stood behind me and kept pressing himself against my back. I was getting so irritated, but since I was a foreigner, there was nothing much I could do. When the train jerked, he took advantage by poking his entire member into my back! I turned around and glared at him, and he had the nerve to smile at me!

What riled me was that I could not even sue, because firstly, I was in a foreign country; secondly, there were no witnesses; and thirdly, he could always give the excuse that the train was too crowded so he had to squeeze himself against me. And he got his fun, whereas I was seething mad inside.

I hope nothing like this ever happens again! It is just so irritating and uncomfortable. Do these fellows have nothing better to do?

Not Good Enough?

I feel so guilty. I feel bad that I do not seem to love him enough or do enough for him. There are so many things I want to do for him - cooking a nice meal, helping with his household chores, solving his problems.

But he said that he should not impose any of his problems on me since I have enough of my own to handle. Plus, I am not his maid, so he does not want me to do any form of housework or whatsoever for him. What else can I do to love him more?

I could do so much for guys that were not worth my time, yet now that there is a guy who is truly worthy, somehow I do not seem to do enough. I feel like I have been taking so much yet not giving enough.

He has been questioning whether he is good enough for me. He says that perhaps I should be with someone equal to me, in terms of backgound and education level, whereas he feels he is too common.

But all these are immaterial as long as he is really good to me. In fact, I feel like I am the one that is not good enough for him. He is really too good for me. Maybe I am the one holding him back. Maybe he really should find someone who can treat him just as well as he has treated me. As it is, I really do not seem to be doing enough for him.

Love is actually simple, yet so complicated at the same time!

The 10 Commandments

There is this Project Pink thing going on for lady bloggers, to submit their opinions on men, love, lives and sex. I am so tempted to submit a piece, except I do not have enough saucy material to write about. Come to think of it, my life is pretty mundane compared to a lot of people.

There are people who lead more colourful lives. Sometimes when you hear accounts, you can never imagine that other people's lives can be a mini soap opera all on their own. Times like this I wish I can do something more exciting with my life, then when I am old and grey, I can look back and remember that I did something outrageous, instead of living just to survive.

I find it amazing how God really hears your doubts and questions. I was reflecting on the issue of premarital sex when last night, during bible class, the priest was teaching us about the Ten Commandments of Christian living, which covers all aspects.

I first came across the Ten Commandments when my first ex, after returning from an enriching church camp, he brought out the bible and started talking to me about the Ten Commandments. I told him I have heard of them, so he could save his breath, which only triggered a scolding that I was not taking the bible seriously.

But then the Ten Commandments are pretty normal, ie they are the essence of morality and virtue of living. Whether one is a Christian or Buddhist or Muslim or atheist, these "rules" should apply to all.

The Commandments are :

1. You shall have no other Gods before me.

I guess this applies to people of faith that they should choose what they believe in, instead of going everywhere, ie church, temple, mosque, etc. Rather common sensical if you ask me. After all, if one chooses a religion, one should just focus on the one he / she chose.

2. You shall not take the name of God in vain.

No swearing or cursing using God's name. Alright, just about everybody is doing this, but then one should not curse or swear any old how in the first place.

3. You shall not make for yourself a graven image.

In other words, no idolatry. This is a little more sensitive issue, because there are other religions who pray to images of Gods and Goddesses, but in a Christian context, there should not be any form of worshipping of any images.

So if Christian kids start looking up to pop stars, is that a form of idolatry as well, and does it mean they are breaking this commandment then?

4. Remember the Sabbath day to keep it holy.

This is the commandment that is most easily broken. After all, some people do need to work shifts and weekends too. We have to work to survive, so is it still applicable in this time and age to keep the Sabbath Day (Sunday) free?

5. Honour your Father and your Mother.

Now this is obvious. One does not need a religion to know this has to be done.

6. You shall not murder.

This, too, is obvious. The controversial issue is the degree of murder. Of course, deliberately planning to kill someone and killing someone is wrong, even under any laws of any country.

But apparently, under the Catholic faith (not sure if the other Christians are taught the same way), things like capital punishment, euthanasia and abortion is wrong too. There are many Catholic doctors who still refuse to perform abortion and euthanasia. The reasoning is that all these are taking away people's lives. No one has the right to take away anyone's life, no matter for what reason.

I do not approve of murder, as it is true no one has the right to take away another person's life, let alone in cold blood. In my opinion, capital punishment is justifiable for a first-degree murderer who committed premeditated murder and is still unremorseful about his act. In the past, people had been executed for lesser reasons, just because the ruling monarch said so.

Then the question of euthanasia. Is it right or wrong? Is it wrong to take away a person's life if he / she no longer has the will to live? If the person is already brain dead and surviving only on life support? Will it be kinder to put him / her "to sleep" instead of leaving him / her a vegetable for life?

What about abortion? I do not approve of abortion because once life is conceived, it is a life. So if girls get themselves pregnant accidentally be it by fooling around or not, I feel it is their responsibility to bear with the mistake.

I know I sound harsh, but abortion is murder, and murder of your own kin before it even has the chance to live and see the world. I do not think anyone, no matter how strong-willed, can ever live with the guilt of killing your own child.

But what if there is something wrong with the foetus? If the baby is going to be deformed or abnormal? The priest said that children is a gift from God, so no matter how the baby turns out, the parents have to live with it.

Having not been a parent, I cannot really comment on this issue. But on the other hand, will it be more cruel to give birth to the child, knowing the child can never lead a normal life, and will often be at the end of jaunts and taunts by other normal kids? Will it be more cruel to give birth to a child which society will already deem as outcast the moment the child is born?

7. You shall not commit adultery.

This is also common sense. One does not need any religion to know it is wrong.

8. You shall not steal.

Again, one does not need any religion to know stealing is wrong. Stealing is punishable under the law too. But what if you found a $10 note in the streets and pocket it? Is that considered stealing since it will be impossible to trace who dropped that note?

9. You shall not bear false witness.

In other words, no lying, spreading untruth rumours, or malicious gossip. But this is also part of morality, is it not? Even non-religious people will know it is wrong.

10. You shall not covet.

Related to the eighth commandment of not stealing. One should not take or yearn for anything that does not belong to you, like somebody's wife or husband, or money or property. I always wonder what is the difference between these two - stealing and coveting? Essentially it seems the same.

So these are the Ten Commandments of Christian Living. Although even for a normal person, most of these are applicable, not just for a religious person. Certain things are just morally wrong.

The priest also said that it is a married couple's duty to procreate and raise children to serve God. This is the Christian point of view. So it is actually a sin if a couple marries and not want to have any children. It is also a sin to use contraceptives as children are gifts from God, so using contraceptives are not being responsible as parents as they are preventing lives to be conceived.

Somehow I wonder how applicable and practical all these are in modern times. What if I get married but do not wish to have any kids for, say, a couple of years as I want to get used to living with someone first? Does it mean stay off intercourse altogether since no contraceptives are allowed?

Somehow the priest also went to the part about keeping one's body holy. Hmmm.... wonder if that is just a mere coincidence. The part is on how the body is given by God, not your own, so one is not supposed to use the body in anyway one likes. In other words, having sex before marriage is abusing the body, even things like tattoos, piercings, etc, are also abuse to the body.

He did not exactly clear my doubts though. I still wonder if making love with someone you love even before marriage is considered an "abuse" of your body?

These are all rather religious in context, and I guess most people will scoff and say that it is not applicable or practical anymore in modern society. But I believe as long as one leads a good life and not do anything to hurt anyone, then I guess that is all that matters.

Book Search!

If anyone knows where to find this book “Chocolate For The Woman’s Soul”, kindly let me know. I have tried the libraries, bookstores and online, but to no avail. I am looking for the book desperately!

Many thanks in advance!

Questioning Myself ....

A continuation of my previous post, which got me accused of being a hypocrite and contradicting myself. Anyway, I wrote that without fully explaining my position. I do not mean to say that I am suddenly for non-abstinence. All I am saying is that whatever I believe in may be wrong and whatever others are doing which I always believe is wrong may not be that wrong after all.

To explain myself further. I studied in a convent, and came from a very conservative and traditional family. I was brought up to believe that premarital sex is wrong, if a guy really loves you he will wait and not impose anything on you, and that once a girl makes the mistake of giving her virginity to a guy, he will lose all respect for her.

This was what my parents, elders and teachers always told me. We were given a two-day seminar on sex education during Secondary Four. And all along, I have been told not to give in to a guy, otherwise all kinds of trouble ensue. Besides, guys will not accept a girl who is a non-virgin.

Plus, when I started attending church, I was told that premarital sex is a cardinal sin, and lust is one of the deadly sins (although that I have known). So it was again reinforced that sex is a sacred act that can only be done on the marriage bed with the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with.

This was what I cannot compromise in every relationship I had in the past, even way into my adulthood. My first two guys are religious, so that was what "saved" me in a way, as they, too, think that premarital sex is a sin.

However, in my last relationship, things were very different. The first day I went to his place, he told me that he bought condoms. I got a big shock when he said that, so I asked what for? Okay, stupid question I know, but I wanted to hear his response. He said he thought he could get lucky, where I then told him that I always believe that fornication is wrong.

All throughout the time we were together, this issue kept coming up, and we could never come to a compromise. He kept saying that his friends are doing it, so why was I being so difficult? He said if I loved him, I would be willing, to which I said if he loved me, he would respect me.

The thing is that I got out of all my past relationships keeping myself "pure". In a way, I take that as an achievement. I feel honourable, able to look up to myself. I pity my poor friends who gave their virginities to the guys they loved the most, and in the end when the relationships ended, they were in a big mess, all the more so since they gave away a girl's most precious asset.

Do not get me wrong. I pity my friends because they got dumped by worthless guys, not because they chose to lose their virginities. I have no qualms with people who believe that premarital sex is not wrong.

But lately, I am starting to question : is premarital sex really wrong? I was told it was wrong, only because it may lead to unwanted pregnancy, or some other sexual-related diseases. But actually, is it wrong to do it with someone you really love? How many people nowadays actually wait for the so-called first night before they start to experiment? Even my brother told me that people will raise eyebrows if I am still a virgin at this age.

Sex, or love-making, is the ultimate act of love, which I believe is a beautiful experience provided it is with someone you truly love. I almost went all the way once, after I got engaged with someone, but it was a good thing I did not, otherwise I may live to regret.

So the risk is that if you agree to do it with a guy, and he just dumps you after getting what he wants. But I believe that if a guy truly loves you, he will not dump you. If anything, he will probably love you more because you gave him your first time. It will make him feel so special.

So the relationship may not last even if you chose to give. But then, every relationship is a risk, is it not? You can say you want it to last, but at times, circumstances may differ and both of you just cannot be together anymore.

Then you start to regret that you did not keep yourself pure and wonder how the next guy will feel. But if the next guy loves you, then the question of virginity should not even be an issue. So if you chose to give, then there should not be any regret because you are giving it to the one person you love the most.

Having said that, I seriously want to find out why everyone told me that premarital sex is wrong and should not be done? Is this issue still applicable in the modern context where is it still a must that people must remain virgins until they get married? What if some of us never get married? Does it mean they have to lose out on such a beautiful experience?

I do not approve of young kids indulging in sex as they do not know what they are getting themselves into. But for someone like me in the late twenties, is it still wrong if I decide to go ahead? I am an adult who can be fully responsible for my own actions, and know what is right and what is wrong, what should be done and what should not be done.

I will not go around having flings, that is still a no-no. Neither will I do it with just anyone. But is it wrong if I decide to do it with the one person who loves me and whom I love, even if we are not yet married, or may never get married at all?

Right now I am still abstaining. I am happy with the state of affairs and will probably let it remain the same for quite some time.

Of Group Work And Group Projects

When I was a student (I mean a full-time student, not my part-time status now), there were some projects that required group work. When I was younger and more naïve, I used to wonder why it was I got stuck with certain types of people.

I used to hate group work as I thought I function best on my own (actually I still do) since you can do things on your own time and your own way without needing to report to anyone. Having said that, group work enabled me to “broaden my horizons” in the sense that I got to see the true colours of a lot of people, and taught me how to accommodate and work well together with the various personalities.

Most of my group work partners were pretty alright. We all accommodated each other, did our own shares, met together, and contributed equally. Even for those who contributed a bit more they did it without complaining as it was all for the group.

Group work is such that we just have to give and take. It does not really matter who did more or who did less as long as everyone in the group benefits. Why spend the energy to pick on minor things when in the end everyone emerges as winners?

But there was one girl I remember whom nobody liked to work with. Let’s call this girl N. At first people joined her group because she was a good friend to a lot of people, but after one project, no one wanted to be her friend anymore, except for her “lackeys”.

She was totally autocratic, dominating, domineering, self-centred, selfish and wanted everything done her way according to her methods, techniques and timing. My best friend and I had the misfortune of working on the same group project with her on two separate occasions.

N had the latest computer program (at that point in time), so she wanted everyone to go to her place to do the project. But everyone had to cater to her timing, and she was only free at odd hours of the day, like 10:00pm at night.

So everyone was supposed to go to her place at 10:00pm at night, and no one could leave until the project was done, so they had to stay the night or the weekend if need be. And if suddenly she found that certain parts of the project needed a re-do, she would suddenly call everyone back to her place in the middle of the night and everyone was supposed to go.

My best friend’s experience was that the day of the first project meeting, she was supposed to meet the rest of the group members to go to N’s place. She waited at the train station for about fourty-five minutes. Those were the days where students did not carry mobile phones and even beepers were almost unheard of, unlike the rich and priviledged kids nowadays.

So she had to wait until the first group member arrived, fourty-five minutes later. And the group member then used my friend’s phone card to call the other group members, using up all the value. My best friend had to wait for about an hour and a half before the rest of the group members arrived and they set off to N’s place.

In the first place, if N wanted people to go to her place, she should at least have the courtesy to meet them at the train station and bring them to her place, instead of expecting them to make the way there themselves. This is basic courtesy, is it not?

In the second place, she should at least provide drinks or food or snacks for her friends. As it was, they went there for a project meeting, and no drinks or food was provided. When it was time for lunch, they were not allowed to even go for lunch until they finished the first part, and it was hard to finish as N was insisting on all her ideas and not accepting anyone else’s ideas.

Anyway my best friend said that day was really wasted as after waiting for so long, wasting even more time finding the place, arguing over the ideas, and wasting more time deciding where to eat, the rest of the day went by with only a quarter of the time really discussing the project as N and her lackeys started pillow fighting, napping and playing computer games, while my best friend dutifully read the text to generate more ideas, only to have them torn to shreds by N. By the time she reached home, it was almost midnight, after having been out since 8:00a.m. and they have not gotten a lot done.

The rest of the project duration went by with N always insisting that the members meet at her place, and everyone was expected to place her timing as first priority. She accepted no excuses be it family commitments or school commitments. It was as if no one had a life besides her project, which was not even her own to speak of.

The last straw came was one night, my best friend received a call at midnight, requesting her to go over to N’s place, as a certain part of the project needed to be re-done. She refused of course, saying her mum did not allow her out that late at night. Not just her mum, even my parents would not allow me out at that hour for whatever reason.

N kept insisting on her way, until my friend’s mother had to speak to her and said that she was not allowed out at that hour, and besides, she had done her part of the project. If the project needed to be re-done, then settle it in school the next morning. Or else e-mail her the copy and instructions and she could work at it at home, since they have a computer too.

The next thing my best friend knew, she was summoned by the tutor and made to write a written explanation why she did not meet up with the other group members as requested, and why she asked her mum to scold her group member.

My friend was so shaking mad after that that she wrote a strongly-worded letter of explanation during one of our lectures (while I was copying the notes for her) to our tutor telling everything that happened.

In the end, the tutor called the rest of the group members in and said that she believed everyone contributed equally, except that the group members probably did not have chemistry with each other since everyone disagreed with everyone’s methods of doing things. But in a group project, everyone should accommodate each other to come to a compromise, instead of one party always insisting on his / her own way.

My own experiences were just as bad. It just so happened that everything occurred at the wrong time. I was having problems with my ex, my parents, and my maid at that time left suddenly so my mum wanted me to baby sit my brothers for a few days.

Besides school, I really could not go anywhere else. So I told my group members why not meet at my place since I had a computer too. It was not as if my house was totally devoid of technology that we must meet at N’s place. And it made more sense meeting at my place since my house was much nearer to the school than anyone else’s.

But N refused. For some reason, she insisted on meeting at her place, and if I could not turn up, she would deem me as absent without leave. I was having so much trouble trying to explain to my parents why I needed to go for a project meeting, and all my mum said was all she needed was for me to bear with it for a few days and I could not even handle that responsibility, that I did not care for the family at all.

I was also having trouble explaining to my ex why I could not meet him or help him with his work or commit to the school activities we were both involved in for that period of time, only to get accused of not loving him enough or putting him first in my life.

So I told him if he needed my help with his work, then come over to my place instead of me always going over to his place, but for some unknown reason, he, too, insisted I must go to his place and refused to come to my place.

So I told my group members that I was really having difficulty that period of time, thus if they needed to meet, best would be meet at my place, just for that few days. After that, we could be free to meet anywhere else.

N just refused, and since her lackeys were in the same project group, they backed her up. In the end, I was unable to go for a single project meeting, my ex called me everyday to sulk and scream at me, my parents still gave me a hard time as I quarreled with them everyday over not being able to go for the project meeting, and my group members complained to the tutor and I got a lecture for having a poor attitude, refusal to co-operate, not accommodating, etc.

Through these experiences, I really learnt how vicious some people could be. So whenever I did any group project after that, I chose who to be with, instead of drawing lots. Luckily for the rest of my studying days, each time there was a group project, I never encountered anyone like her ever again. Thus, except for that bad experience, I enjoyed the rest of the group projects I had.

Shoe Shoe Baby ....

I need to buy a new pair of shoes. Two pairs actually, since I have just about worn out the current pair of working heels and my formal shoes, which I wear only for weddings, formal dinners and occasions like Christmas and Chinese New Year.

I only have a few pairs of shoes – two pairs of work shoes (one pair of heels for normal working days and one pair of mules for Fridays which I can wear when I go out during the weekends as well), one pair of formal heels, one pair of wedges for casual days, one pair of sneakers for overseas trips or hikes, one pair of thongs for casual wear, and one pair of havanas for beachwear. Plus a pair of boots for very special occasions.

My guy friends were surprised as they thought all girls have a cupboard full of shoes, and my girlfriends could not believe how I managed to survive with just these few pairs of shoes. I know most girls have shoes to match their attire, but not me since not every pair of shoes fit me.

How many pairs of shoes will one need anyway? Shoes wear out so fast, so no use buying so many pairs. I have lots of clothes, bags accessories and cosmetics, but I do not normally buy shoes unless it is absolutely necessary.

Besides my feet are very oddly-shaped. They are pointed at the ends but more rounded in shape, so I need shoes which are more round at the edges and longer at the sides. I cannot wear shoes with their edges pointed, which is why I never wear pumps or court shoes. I cannot wear a lot of shoes since I need shoes that can fit my type of feet.

If I buy shoes which do not fit my feet exactly, I will end up with blisters at the sides after an hour. I have tried so many shoe shops, and I have concluded that I can only wear shoes by Charles & Keith, Everbest or Hush Puppies comfortably without blisters.

Thus I can only buy shoes from these places, and even then, not every pair fits me all the time, which is why it is so hard to buy shoes for myself. So often than not, the shoes I buy are either black or ivory in colour, so they can be matching with whatever I wear.

How I wish I can be like other girls who can just grab any pair of shoes they fancy off the shelf anywhere, then it will really save me lots of trouble shoe-hunting all the time.

Of Sex And Making Love

A friend and I had a very interesting conversation just now on sex in the modern times. He is not religious, so may not be able to understand the biblical teachings behind premarital sex being a sin. In his opinion (and the opinion of most guys I know), sex or love-making is to be enjoyed with someone you really love, whether you are married or not.

I told him about some of those guys I know who are around his age range who like to indulge in flings, and always tried to get me into bed each time they contacted me. He thinks that that is wrong too, as sex by itself should only be among a couple, not with just mere friends or acquaintances, otherwise how different is it from visiting a prostitute?

He was asking me the real reason why I keep holding back, besides the religious part. I told him perhaps it is my upbringing, where premarital sex has always been seen as something wrong and dirty, and that real decent girls should not even think of doing the act.

Plus there are dangers of premarital sex, like unwanted pregnancy, sexually-transmitted diseases or even AIDS. He says that actually as long as someone has a regular partner and not sleep around or have one night stands, the person should be safe from all the unwanted diseases. As for the pregnancy part, there is always protection and withdrawal.

I believe guys by nature has a higher sex drive than girls, so they will be the ones who ask for it more. He says actually a real man will be able to control his urges and not pester the girlfriend to do anything she is not comfortable with.

But honestly speaking, in this time and age, is premarital sex really wrong? No doubt abstinence is still the best, since I still think it is a big honour to save it for the one you marry, but realistically speaking, how many people are virgins nowadays? Out of ten people, perhaps only one? Or maybe even none.

I do not care whether my guys are virgins, as long as he did it with his ex-girlfriend, ex-wife, whatever, and not because he fooled around and indulged in one night stands or visit prostitutes. However, do guys still mind if their girlfriends are non-virgins? Will the guy feels cheated if he marries a non-virgin?

This used to be a big deal in the past, where the girl must have a chastity test before she is deemed to be "pure" and "worthy" to be married. But in the modern context, is virginity still a big deal to a guy marrying a girl? He told me that if a guy really loves a girl and can carve a future with her, things like whether she is a virgin or not is not that big a deal.

Shall I change my thinking then? Am I really too old-fashioned or conservative if I still hold back? I will be lying if I say that I have never thought of doing the act, or that I have never wondered just how it is going to be like, or that I have never been so tempted at times that I just want to cave in.

We girls have our urges too, although of course not as much as guys. There are times in the past when I got so excited I really felt like going all the way, but somehow I always managed to stop before going too far. Needless to say, the guy I was with got rather pissed at missing the rest of the fun.

When people issue me sexual invitations, there are times when I felt like accepting. But of course, it is only to be done with the one person you love, not just anyone off the streets. According to others, doing the act with the person you love is the most beautiful and enjoyable thing in the world!

There are kids as young as twelve indulging in the act, before they even knew what they were really getting themselves into. But at my age where I can be responsible for my own actions, shall I then follow the crowd and finally submit, or shall I still hold on to what I always believe in?

A Keeper For Life ....

Life is so strange sometimes. You may be in despair, in a rut and generally blaming your fate and what not, when suddenly something happens to pull you out of everything. Some people believe in guardian angels, but for me, I believe that things do happen for a purpose.

Like if I have not been unlucky where my career was concerned, I would not have landed this job. That is, if I get to stay on. Although I like this job lesser than the previous one, but at least I am learning a lot and being exposed to a lot.

If I have not had a sort-of tumultuous love life, I would not have found the real love of my life. Only thing is I wish he had entered my life much earlier than before. Where has he been hiding all these while? But I guess if I had not had experiences with guys who took me for granted, I would not have been able to appreciate just how good he is.

Perhaps at times, we need to experience sadness before we can fully appreciate the happy things around us. We need to experience the bad things before we can understand just how good things are and not take anything for granted.

For instance, I used to have very hgh expectations where my love life is concerned. Thus, I was often disappointed and thought the guys did not meet the standard. Then I realise it is not a matter of looking for someone so perfect, but rather making the relationship perfect and focusing on the good aspects.

When I first decided to give him a chance, I wanted to see where it goes. Above all, I wanted to be sure he is really sincere and not just playing with my feelings. Even when I finally agreed to accept him, I did not want to put all my heart into it, so in case I was disappointed again, I would not feel as bad.

I need not have worried actually. If anything, he is treating me just as well, if not better, as before. He is generous, as in really generous. Not the extent of a rich man's generosity like Tiffany's jewellery or high-class fine dining every day and socialite gatherings every once in a while, but he is not a miser when it comes to his girlfriend.

Each time we go out, he always pays, even when I ask him not to. Our meals, movies we watched, the cab fare if we take a cab and he drops me off at my place, even some of my own purchases when he followed me shopping.

I always worry for his pocket, but he told me the other day that I seem to be very thrifty. It is like I am not willing to spend. I was surprised when he said that as "thrifty" is never a word to describe me! It just so happens that I have cut down on unnecessary extravagant spending, but I still do indulge.

He says that so far I only seem to buy things when it is absolutely necessary. I should go ahead and indulge more, since I am still relatively young so should spend on clothes, jewellery, cosmetics, hairdo, nail polish, and other things to make myself look even better. He also said if there is something I like to buy, go ahead and not hold back.

My girlfriends are going to be so jealous if I tell them this! Afterall, where can one ever find a guy who actually tells his girlfriend to spend money (the rich and famous not included)? It is always the girl who spend and the guys telling the girls not to spend.

Maybe because I have never been so well-treated, so now in my eyes, he is a gem. Granted to some oither girls he may only be just average, especially if those girls always have a bevy of guys who worship the ground they step on, but to me, he is treating me in the way I used to only dream of.

I never had a boyfriend who can specially take a cab down to my area at midnight just to meet me as he missed me, despite staying so far away. It was so late at night and he really took me by surprise as he only told me where he was only when he was almost reaching.

I had to sneak out of my house by climbing over the gate (first time I ever did such a thing, and also I did not wish to awaken the rest of my family members), so we could go somewhere for supper and a walk around the estate, before he walked me back home and then took a cab home himself. My mum will murder me if she ever finds out I sneaked out of the house to meet a guy at that hour!

My friends will also say I am crazy by doing that, as they will probably just go sleep. But if a guy is sweet enough to come all the way to see me at that ungodly hour on a week night just because he wanted to see me, even if it was just for an hour or so, I am not about to turn him away and ask him to go back home!

So many relationships, and he is the first one to do this. Even my second ex, despite staying quite near me, had never ever done that throughout all the years we have been together!

Besides, I find it exciting. I am getting to be so wild! It is like a Romeo and Juliet type of affair - sneaking behind others, sneaking out of the house at odd hours to avoid being found out just to have a rendezvous with the person you love.

Of course, it cannot be compared to Romeo and Juliet, and I for sure will not want it to end like those two star-crossed lovers, but I am not allowed out of the house at that hour of the night, and certainly not to meet up with a guy. He is luckier in that he lives alone and can go in and out of his place anytime he lives, but I will be so dead if my parents find out.

But I do not care. As I said, I am not going to screw up this time round, no matter how my parents are going to interfere this time. This guy is a keeper, and I am sure never ever going to let him go!