A continuation of my previous post, which got me accused of being a hypocrite and contradicting myself. Anyway, I wrote that without fully explaining my position. I do not mean to say that I am suddenly for non-abstinence. All I am saying is that whatever I believe in may be wrong and whatever others are doing which I always believe is wrong may not be that wrong after all.
To explain myself further. I studied in a convent, and came from a very conservative and traditional family. I was brought up to believe that premarital sex is wrong, if a guy really loves you he will wait and not impose anything on you, and that once a girl makes the mistake of giving her virginity to a guy, he will lose all respect for her.
This was what my parents, elders and teachers always told me. We were given a two-day seminar on sex education during Secondary Four. And all along, I have been told not to give in to a guy, otherwise all kinds of trouble ensue. Besides, guys will not accept a girl who is a non-virgin.
Plus, when I started attending church, I was told that premarital sex is a cardinal sin, and lust is one of the deadly sins (although that I have known). So it was again reinforced that sex is a sacred act that can only be done on the marriage bed with the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with.
This was what I cannot compromise in every relationship I had in the past, even way into my adulthood. My first two guys are religious, so that was what "saved" me in a way, as they, too, think that premarital sex is a sin.
However, in my last relationship, things were very different. The first day I went to his place, he told me that he bought condoms. I got a big shock when he said that, so I asked what for? Okay, stupid question I know, but I wanted to hear his response. He said he thought he could get lucky, where I then told him that I always believe that fornication is wrong.
All throughout the time we were together, this issue kept coming up, and we could never come to a compromise. He kept saying that his friends are doing it, so why was I being so difficult? He said if I loved him, I would be willing, to which I said if he loved me, he would respect me.
The thing is that I got out of all my past relationships keeping myself "pure". In a way, I take that as an achievement. I feel honourable, able to look up to myself. I pity my poor friends who gave their virginities to the guys they loved the most, and in the end when the relationships ended, they were in a big mess, all the more so since they gave away a girl's most precious asset.
Do not get me wrong. I pity my friends because they got dumped by worthless guys, not because they chose to lose their virginities. I have no qualms with people who believe that premarital sex is not wrong.
But lately, I am starting to question : is premarital sex really wrong? I was told it was wrong, only because it may lead to unwanted pregnancy, or some other sexual-related diseases. But actually, is it wrong to do it with someone you really love? How many people nowadays actually wait for the so-called first night before they start to experiment? Even my brother told me that people will raise eyebrows if I am still a virgin at this age.
Sex, or love-making, is the ultimate act of love, which I believe is a beautiful experience provided it is with someone you truly love. I almost went all the way once, after I got engaged with someone, but it was a good thing I did not, otherwise I may live to regret.
So the risk is that if you agree to do it with a guy, and he just dumps you after getting what he wants. But I believe that if a guy truly loves you, he will not dump you. If anything, he will probably love you more because you gave him your first time. It will make him feel so special.
So the relationship may not last even if you chose to give. But then, every relationship is a risk, is it not? You can say you want it to last, but at times, circumstances may differ and both of you just cannot be together anymore.
Then you start to regret that you did not keep yourself pure and wonder how the next guy will feel. But if the next guy loves you, then the question of virginity should not even be an issue. So if you chose to give, then there should not be any regret because you are giving it to the one person you love the most.
Having said that, I seriously want to find out why everyone told me that premarital sex is wrong and should not be done? Is this issue still applicable in the modern context where is it still a must that people must remain virgins until they get married? What if some of us never get married? Does it mean they have to lose out on such a beautiful experience?
I do not approve of young kids indulging in sex as they do not know what they are getting themselves into. But for someone like me in the late twenties, is it still wrong if I decide to go ahead? I am an adult who can be fully responsible for my own actions, and know what is right and what is wrong, what should be done and what should not be done.
I will not go around having flings, that is still a no-no. Neither will I do it with just anyone. But is it wrong if I decide to do it with the one person who loves me and whom I love, even if we are not yet married, or may never get married at all?
Right now I am still abstaining. I am happy with the state of affairs and will probably let it remain the same for quite some time.
To explain myself further. I studied in a convent, and came from a very conservative and traditional family. I was brought up to believe that premarital sex is wrong, if a guy really loves you he will wait and not impose anything on you, and that once a girl makes the mistake of giving her virginity to a guy, he will lose all respect for her.
This was what my parents, elders and teachers always told me. We were given a two-day seminar on sex education during Secondary Four. And all along, I have been told not to give in to a guy, otherwise all kinds of trouble ensue. Besides, guys will not accept a girl who is a non-virgin.
Plus, when I started attending church, I was told that premarital sex is a cardinal sin, and lust is one of the deadly sins (although that I have known). So it was again reinforced that sex is a sacred act that can only be done on the marriage bed with the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with.
This was what I cannot compromise in every relationship I had in the past, even way into my adulthood. My first two guys are religious, so that was what "saved" me in a way, as they, too, think that premarital sex is a sin.
However, in my last relationship, things were very different. The first day I went to his place, he told me that he bought condoms. I got a big shock when he said that, so I asked what for? Okay, stupid question I know, but I wanted to hear his response. He said he thought he could get lucky, where I then told him that I always believe that fornication is wrong.
All throughout the time we were together, this issue kept coming up, and we could never come to a compromise. He kept saying that his friends are doing it, so why was I being so difficult? He said if I loved him, I would be willing, to which I said if he loved me, he would respect me.
The thing is that I got out of all my past relationships keeping myself "pure". In a way, I take that as an achievement. I feel honourable, able to look up to myself. I pity my poor friends who gave their virginities to the guys they loved the most, and in the end when the relationships ended, they were in a big mess, all the more so since they gave away a girl's most precious asset.
Do not get me wrong. I pity my friends because they got dumped by worthless guys, not because they chose to lose their virginities. I have no qualms with people who believe that premarital sex is not wrong.
But lately, I am starting to question : is premarital sex really wrong? I was told it was wrong, only because it may lead to unwanted pregnancy, or some other sexual-related diseases. But actually, is it wrong to do it with someone you really love? How many people nowadays actually wait for the so-called first night before they start to experiment? Even my brother told me that people will raise eyebrows if I am still a virgin at this age.
Sex, or love-making, is the ultimate act of love, which I believe is a beautiful experience provided it is with someone you truly love. I almost went all the way once, after I got engaged with someone, but it was a good thing I did not, otherwise I may live to regret.
So the risk is that if you agree to do it with a guy, and he just dumps you after getting what he wants. But I believe that if a guy truly loves you, he will not dump you. If anything, he will probably love you more because you gave him your first time. It will make him feel so special.
So the relationship may not last even if you chose to give. But then, every relationship is a risk, is it not? You can say you want it to last, but at times, circumstances may differ and both of you just cannot be together anymore.
Then you start to regret that you did not keep yourself pure and wonder how the next guy will feel. But if the next guy loves you, then the question of virginity should not even be an issue. So if you chose to give, then there should not be any regret because you are giving it to the one person you love the most.
Having said that, I seriously want to find out why everyone told me that premarital sex is wrong and should not be done? Is this issue still applicable in the modern context where is it still a must that people must remain virgins until they get married? What if some of us never get married? Does it mean they have to lose out on such a beautiful experience?
I do not approve of young kids indulging in sex as they do not know what they are getting themselves into. But for someone like me in the late twenties, is it still wrong if I decide to go ahead? I am an adult who can be fully responsible for my own actions, and know what is right and what is wrong, what should be done and what should not be done.
I will not go around having flings, that is still a no-no. Neither will I do it with just anyone. But is it wrong if I decide to do it with the one person who loves me and whom I love, even if we are not yet married, or may never get married at all?
Right now I am still abstaining. I am happy with the state of affairs and will probably let it remain the same for quite some time.
7 comments:
to me, sex is important in a relationship. it determines if i want to be with the guy and marriage.
it's got not so much to do with performance. it's got everything to do with his treatment of you. if he's in sync with me in bed,affectionate and thoughtful, chances are,it will carry over to reality. to me, sex is sustenance for mundane living.
but too often,couples allow mundane to intrude upon the bedroom.
I read somewhere that every relationship is like a journey (holiday); you can do all the prep work, plan all your itinerary and still do not end up where you want to be; you can end up where you want to be but did not enjoy your trip; or worst, had a terrible trip and still did not end up where you want to be.
Bottom line... enjoy your trip and let your feet carry you where your heart wants to go. You may end in some place better than you originally wanted.
they gave away a girl's most precious asset
If virginity is that girl's most precious asset, I am not surprised the relationship could not last.
There are other things more precious than that. Loyalty is one.
Imp : Well... I guess you got a valid point there.
leecooper : wow... never thought of it this way.
Ole Wolvie : I guess perhaps in this time and age, virginity is not longer considered as really precious anymore. But of course, other things like loyalty is more important. But then often, some guys just got what they wanted, then started to ill-treat the girl, which was why the relationship went downhill after that.
A guy who are going to dump a gal after getting sex usually already have planned to do so from the beginning. If it is going to go 'downhill', it is going to go 'downhill' anyway. It has nothing to do with marriage.
I am a cynic.
I am with Wolvie on defining virginity as a girl's most precious asset.
Utter Bollocks!
If her love isn't the most precious asset she can give of herself, I don't even want her virginity. Most useless concept.
I cannot promise or commit myself to coming to your blog. The few I already visit take up enough of my time. You write very well, though I find your posts to long to be able to discretely read at work (oops!).
If I have divined the time line correctly from reading your blog, you had sex about 2-3 weeks after starting to date this man.
I am one who believes that sex before marriage is wrong, that adultery is wrong, that masturbation is wrong. I cannot change that. I am extremely conservative. I wish I could say it is because of my upbringing, but I can find nothing that really would have defined me in this way.
You have said that you had thought about having sex before
I think you are going through a number of things in your life: this relationship, and some form of catechism for future baptism (likely at Easter).
I think that too often people close their minds and follow arbitrary rules. Sometimes the rules we follow are foolish, sometimes they are there to guide us so we do not lose our way.
We can emphasize the dangers of sex. We can say that virginity is vital for men and women – I always thought it unfair that the same standard is not applied to men.
But, as I wrote in my previous comment, for me the important thing is fidelity. It would have been very difficult for me to accept a non-virgin. Not because I believe my wife should be a virgin, but because I believe she should be faithful, because faithfulness what I brought to my wife. I can see circumstances were I would be able to accept a non-virgin, but I think that misses the whole point – for me, the point is not virginity, but fidelity. I did not have sex until I was 30 and married (a rare occurrence in Canada – and probably the rest of the world for that matter).
As I got older, I found it increasingly difficult to find a suitable woman. By the time I was 28/29, I was beginning to wonder if my demands were too high – I had never had a girlfriend, yet, others seemed to get into relationships so easily. Fortunately, I did meet my future wife and, as they say, the rest is history.
Sofia (my wife) is not my first love. I fell in love with another woman before her, but discovered too late that she had a bf. I was devastated, I felt the universe was cruel and mocking me – revealing to me a pearl of great value and then denying me it.
I have had 2 loves, but only 1 gf. Usually it is the other way around, people have many bf/gf, but no love.
Commitment is more than a good and happy feeling and saying "I love you" – otherwise bf/gf wouldn’t keep breaking up, would they?
I believe that each relationship takes something from you, leaving you less to share with the next one. Again, I am atypical in this. But, so much advice on relationships always says to never mention your ex's. How can you truly share a life with someone when you close off and hide a part of yourself?
Commitment is more than just a belief - it is an action. The common act and sign of commitment is marriage (however, in a religious context, marriage is also viewed as a sacrament, in some Christian denominations, which is interpreted as bringing spiritual gifts to strengthen the couple). I do not recognize civil marriages. For me, a marriage is a covenant entered into by a man and a woman in the presence of God. As a religious person, I do not recognize any man’s authority over me (although, I acknowledge that some men do have power over me).
As I said before, take care of yourself. I have heard too many stories and known too many women who have been hurt. Even though I don’t know you, it will sadden me if I hear you have been hurt.
Ha! I complain that your posts are too long! But my comments are no better ;-)
(and disorganized, because I am trying to fit too many thoughts into one comment. sigh)
[Comment on your blog of March 17]
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