A Beautiful Wedding Rehearsal

I attended the wedding rehearsal of my friend last Saturday. She wants a pink-themed wedding, so I have to wear something pink as part of the choristers. Her march-in tune is going to be played by bagpipes as the groom has some Scottish ancestry.

It was already such a beautiful experience during the rehearsal, I believe it will be even more beautiful on the actual day. I feel so happy for her! This weekend will be the Big Day itself, and she has been busy preparing the wedding.

My only gripe is why did she choose that church of all places? Okay, it is the church she attends with her fiance, so naturally she will choose that church. But that church holds so many memories for me.

When I stepped into the grounds last Saturday after not having been there for close to four years, I cannot help a rush of feelings. It is like I seem to see myself walking into the church with someone.

I saw the canteen where we used to buy lunch (or breakfast), and where we would help his parents sell macaroni sometimes. I saw the carpark where there would be an occasional food fair to raise funds and we would be having so much fun helping out to raise funds for charity.

I saw the main hall and the pew in between the choir and the altar where we would always sit. I saw the Confession booth, where he would go in for Confession and I would linger around outside to wait for him.

Almost eleven years of church-going, six years in this church, and yet I have the deepest memories. I did not even have as many memories of the church I attended before this church, nor the one I am attending now.

The surroundings are still the same. The garden is still nice. I always think I am in the Garden of Eden each time I pass by the church garden. There are still three dogs, caged up behind the church, where I would always pass by and stroked them.

This was the church someone once told me he wanted to proclaim his marriage vows in. Unfortunately, this is not the church I want to get married in. My choice of a venue for a church wedding is still the same, no change, even after all these years.

Overall, it was a good session. We sang to our heart's content, and the bride rehearsed marching-in, from the doorway, down the steps, all the way down the aisle where the groom is waiting for her.

I cannot wait for the actual day this Saturday! I really wish them all the best for a life together, combined as one.

Do Things Happen For A Purpose?

Do things happen for a purpose? Christians will say that it is God that make all things possible, and whatever that happens is His wil and His purpose and function for you in your life.

Others will say it is fate. But sometimes due to coincidences or things that happen, other things (good or bad) also happen. I guess all comes in a package - the people you meet, the things you do, the things that are being done to you.

Looking back on recent years, I am grateful to the things that have happened to me, to the people I have met, be they good or bad. Although my luck seems better only recently, in a way, I am still appreciative of all the negative things that have happened to me.

If my parents never brought me up the way they did, I could have been like my youngest brother - spoilt, arrogant, stuck-up, self-centred. My mum gave the excuse that National Service will mould him and whip him into a better person, but we shall see.

If I have never met a string of self-centred guys, I would never have finally realised my worth, that I deserve better, that I do not need to be treated the way I had been treated.

If I have not been in and out of jobs, I would never have landed this job, ended up working in this company, and met someone I never expected to meet!

Maybe things happen at different stages for a purpose. Perhaps one must experience heartache and abuse before one can appreciate the other little things in life. Perhaps only through sadness and bad luck can one experience happiness and good luck.

Afterall, as the saying goes, every cloud has a silver lining!

Tracking Changes ....

There is this function in Word that allows one to make amendments called "Track Changes". I absolutely loathe that function! It is so confusing, especially when a document needs to be amended several times!

No doubt it is a good function. At least when documents are being compared or amended, the changes are reflected. Once everything is approved, you only need to click on "Accept Changes" and voila! a new document is in place.

However, it is not a good idea if a document needs several drafts before the final version. Just like if I need to amend a document several times, the changes being reflected get more and more, and at the end of it all, you cannot even remember which are the latest and earliest amendments.

First round the amendments are marked out in blue. Second round red. Third round green. Fourth round pink. Fifth round orange. Sixth round purple. Seventh round brown. At the end of four rounds, my eyes will start to water and my head will start to throb.

It is worse if a normal printer is being used to print out the document. Then everything will be in black and white, there will be so many strike outs and new insertions that one gets cock-eyed just looking at the document itself.

I only hope I do not get into trouble with the Administration side for using the colour printer so much. But I have to. I simply cannot figure out where all the amendments are if I do not see it in colour.

Gosh, I hate documentation work!

The Price Of Beauty ....

Lately I have been thinking, with technological advances in the medical field, there are so many cosmetic surgeries available. Since I will be going for LASIK sooner or later anyway, and I am still considering going for slimming treatments, why not just go for the entire package?

I have said that I like all my body parts natural, partly also I dread being under any needles or knives, but then what if one’s natural beauty is not that great in the first place? Especially when one ages, their looks will go, and even with all the beauty products available, it is inevitable that they will one day look withered.

Some people will scoff about the extent people go to just to look good. But who does not want to look good? Girls all want to look good. There is a saying that there are no ugly women, only lazy ones. Rather true actually, since looking good needs effort. Even guys want to look good, as evidenced by the extensive male clientele at beauty parlours in recent years.

Of course I will not go so far as to go for a liposuction or breast enlargement (although I am so tempted to), but I like to change certain parts of my features to make them better. Going to the gym or getting involved in physical activities, or going for slimming treatments and adhering to a strict diet will be able to make one’s body toned and slim, but no amount of exercising or beauty treatments or makeup can alter one’s facial features.

True, now people use makeup to create a double eyelids effect, or to contour their cheeks, or to recede their broader features, but these are not permanent. These last only as long as you do not wash your face.

What I like is to get rid of the fine lines around my eyes, slim down my jaw line and sharpen my nose bridge. My face is a bit broad thus my cheeks really puff up when I smile, and I cannot simply stop smiling just because I want to look slim, otherwise people will think me so rude and arrogant.

I have known all along that my nose bridge is very flat, but it was only after I saw myself in my friend’s wedding video that that feature is so obvious despite makeup that I decided I seriously need to do something to lift up my face.

And I am still a bit young to have any wrinkles whatsoever. A botox will cure that, especially since I still plan to be a bride one day, and a bride must always look her best. I have friends who go for botox, corrective surgery to slim their cheeks, and double eyelid surgeries before their wedding, and they look so great on their big days!

Not just wedding, the looks will stay almost the rest of the life if we continue with our skin care and beauty regime. And even if we age, we may age more gracefully if we look better. I want to still look twenty-ish even when I am middle-aged!

A Special Treat

Since I have such good friends, I am going to give everyone a little treat. Finally, I am going to show how I look like - close-up.

And so here it is : One of my pictures from my recent make-over. I was wearing a black toga dress. Go ahead and gag, puke, laugh, whatever, but this is the way I look and I cannot change it. ;-p

Treasure it, as it is only going to be a one-time thing!

One Year Celebration

So my blog is officially one year old now. An achievement for me. This blog is like my own baby, where I need to constantly feed it before it can grow.

And to celebrate, I met up with three nice gentlemen (all fellow bloggers) for dinner and drinks earlier on. I had a real good time, although I wish everyone I invited could turn up, then the gathering would be livelier and more fun.

One year, and more than 700 entries. I cannot believe it myself too! My next target : 1000 entries, and perhaps go on for another year.

And to the three guys : Thank you so much for coming. It was really nice meeting up with you (especially the one I happened to be meeting only for the first time). I hope we can have future gatherings again, perhaps when one of your blogs reach a milestone too (*hint hint*)!

And for the rest : Sorry I was not able to invite everyone as it was planned to be only a small gathering, but I do hope I can meet up with you soon.

Once again, thanks so much for all your support and encouragement!

A Year Later ....

One year. How time flies. I still remember exactly a year ago, it was on a Saturday morning. I was bored and sitting around at home, waiting for my new mobile phone to arrive. I started blog-reading.

I have known about the existence of blogs since the late 1990s, and I have read my friends' blogs once in a while. That day was the aftermath of my debut performance, and I was chatting with a few choral friends (most of them blog) concurrently.

My Friendster Inbox was flooded with blog updates and notices from my friends. Out of curiousity, I started scanning their blogs, until I came to a particular blog. He only had a few entries in his Friendster blog before he migrated to blogspot.

I was so impressed at the way he expresses himself that I went into his new blog at blogspot and started reading. Everything he posted so far. Suddenly, out of the blue, my long-lost love for writing resurfaced. The more I read his writing, the more I felt like writing again.

I had lost the inclination to write for a while. My diaries used to be regularly updated, but once the grind of life took over, I sort of stopped writing for a while, and only updated sparse entries now and then.

So I thought to myself, since I am always in front of the computer, why not do something serious for once instead of always playing games or random web surfing with no objective? Something that is exclusively mine, yet at the same time express myself.

At that moment, the friend whose blog I was reading came online and I started telling him my intention to start a blog. He was full of encouragement and gave me some ideas on how to begin.

And thus, a new blogger emerged. It was only on a trial basis at first as I had no idea how long I would keep at it. When I posted my first entry, I told my friend and he made some positive comments, which got me rather enouraged.

I never knew I could keep it going. I thought it was just something I could do once in a while when killing time, but when my life started going downhill, I began to note down my frustrations and feelings, and the more I write, the more I want to write, and the more I could not stop. It was really comforting and relieving to write everything down.

So here I am. One year of ups and downs, hiffs and jiffs, happiness and sadness, drama and comedy, loves and hates, successes and failures, health and sickness. And a rather eventful year at that, especially since I started having my own pool of loyal supporters and met a few new friends in the process.

All thanks to my friend. My muse and inspiration when I first started out - Sonic and his ScratchPad. One year, and ongoing. And many thanks to all my readers and supporters. You have encouraged me when I was down, lifted my spirits, and been there for me in your own way.

And to those who know of the existence of my blog, who never restricts me from writing what I like, and who reads my blog faithfully, and gives me sincere comments to my entries.

Hence, to quote from Angie, my restless journey continues. How long more? I have no idea. As long as I live, hopefully.

Meanwhile I am going to have a busy day ahead, with mass in the morning, dance practice in the afternoon, and a dinner celebration with some blogging friends at night.

An Affair With Two Men

And who are these two men?

One is called Ben, the other Jerry.

To Everyone : I Love You!

I spoke to my cousin the other day, as she is a single mother and I wanted to get a first-hand account on how being a single parent is like, just in case one day I do become a single parent.

She is quite pitiful. Her ex-husband had a job posting overseas two years back, and within months, he had an affair, and filed for divorce since he decided to be with his mistress. It was a rather messy affair, but she seems to emerge out of it happier.

I pity the two boys though. They were only five and three when their parents divorced, and they only get to see their father once a week, and some public holidays, provided he is back here. I see the way my cousins struggle, and I really admire her.

But she has lots of help, from a maid and her parents. Also, her company allows her to go to work earlier in the morning, so she can go off earlier and be with her kids. She says that some companies do give priviledges to single mothers with young children.

She told me that it is still best for kids to grow up in a complete family, ie with both the father and mother around. Which is why some couples refuse to formally divorce even though they have already separated and leading their own lives, because of the children.

A single parent has to play the role of both the father and the mother, the family is surviving on just one person's income instead of dual-income. It is still best to have someone with you when you are pregnant, when you are giving birth, when you are raising kids.

Point taken. But I know my life will be rather empty if I do not have kids. Of course it is still best to have a complete family, but if there comes a time when I do not get married, or I get divorced, or widowed, I will still want to have kids. At least one. And I hope it will be the kid of someone I love too.

Seeing my cousin in this state, I realise that there is a lot of uncertainty in the future, in the world. My worst fear is that something may happen to my family. My other worst fear is that my relationship will not be permanent, and I am sure I will not be able to bear it this time round.

Just imagine with so much terrorism going on, so many crimes and bad news around, so many natural disasters, who knows I may just be killed when my house get bombed and the shell drops on me when I am sleeping. Afterall, even a butterfly flapping its wings can trigger off a tornado somewhere else.

The world needs more love and peace. Just like the movie "The Fifth Element", the four elements of wind, water, fire and earth will not survive and the world cannot survive if there is no love - the quintessential fifth element.

So in case I never have a chance to say this, here is what I want to say :

To all my friends, whether I have met you in person or not - I love all of you, and thank you for all your support, kind words and advise.

To people who have irritated and hurt me in the past - I forgive you, and wish you the best in whatever you do.

To my beloved Cookie (although he can never understand) - You are the light of my life. You make me smile and forget all the worries and frustrations I have. You will always be my little furball.

To my parents, siblings and family - I love you, very much. Despite all our disagreements, I do appreciate everything you have done for me, all the times when you were there for me, and everything you have helped me with. I never did say this, but I am proud to be part of the family.

And a special one to my mum - You are my inspiration and idol, in many ways. Although we do not agree on a lot of issues, I want to say you are the one who is the most influential in my life. I will never be what I am today if it is not because of you. I may not have been the perfect or model daughter in your eyes, but I do love you and will never leave you.

Well, sound a lot like my last words. But then they could jolly well be my last words since I have no idea what will happen the next moment. And I do not wish to disappear all of a sudden without expressing how I feel.

Generalise Or Specialise?

At times I wonder what exactly is my job title? I seem to be doing everything! I have to negotiate and counter contracts, proof-read and comment on legal documents, note-taking and minute-recording during meetings (plus being the food caterer, trash collector and coffee lady if it is a working lunch), photocopier, fax distributor, receptionist, mailman (or mailwoman), letter screener (for my boss and the Big Boss), mail distributor, translator, managing the contract database, stock-taker, and even switching on the lights and computer in the Big Boss’ room when he comes into the office!

That day, I just repaired the printer and fax machine as well. Instead of a mere Contract Administrator, I may as well be the secretary-cum-receptionist-cum-data entry clerk-cum-coffee lady-cum-goodness knows what. In other words, a General Office Girl.

I guess I should not complain. At least now I have a job, with a big possibility of being able to stay on permanently. Much better than those insecure jobless unemployed days. Besides, doing everything is rather exciting in a way, as I get to be exposed to more areas.

But sometimes I wish I can specialize in something. At least with an area of specialization, the niche is there, and the market value and prospects may be higher. My best friend specializes in Marketing, and now she is the Marketing Manager of Ya Kun, of my favourite kaya toast!

Most of my friends specialize in their areas of expertise, and some are so good at their work that the few times they contemplated leaving the company, they were given increments just to stay on. I guess for someone who specializes in a certain area, the marketability, value and prospects increase with experience.

I could have specialized in Law or Mass Communications, then there will be excellent prospects everywhere. As it is, where can someone with just a mere general Arts degree go? What can I do exactly? Now I am like a Jack (or Jill) or all trades, but Master (or Mistress) of none.

Learning Independence ....

This post is inspired by three things - my younger years, a recent article in the Sunday Times, and Leecooper's post (what happened to you anyway? Taking a long break?).

The gist of it is that a few weeks back, the Sunday Times published an article on grown adults who are still living off or taking allowance from their parents, just to sustain their luxurious life.

These parents pay for their kids' mobile bills which can cost up to S$800.00 (how do they utilise their phones?), and give them supplementary credit cards with bills charged to the parents just so the kids can indulge in branded products of S$500.00 or more.

What is going to happen if these parents retire or are no longer around? I have friends who were scholars, and wanted to break their bonds, so their parents gave up their retirement funds to pay off the rest of the bond.

At times I wonder, as parents, is it better to continue supporting the child and letting him take all for granted, without any form of gratitude, or is it better to be hard-hearted and let your kids resent your "treatment" but yet they learn independence and the value of life in the process?

Leecooper's article is a reflection on how his dad brought him up and teaching him the value of money, and making him independent at a young age. This sort of made me remember the quarrels I used to have with my mum.

All the way until I finished secondary school, I was chauffeured all over. I was driven to school in a white Mercedes-Benz. I took the school bus back when I was in primary school, but in secondary school, I asked to go home on my own. Even for my music classes, I was driven to and fro.

However, during school events and camps, my dad would still insist on picking me up after everything ended. My classmates used to envy me. They called that "luxury", I called that "imprisonment".

I used to envy my classmates when they could hang out after school or on Saturdays, but I had to be at home mugging away. Thus, because of this, my allowance was much lesser than the rest of my peers.

My mum gave me enough for food during recess, and that was it. She saw no point in giving me bus fare or lunch money, since I was expected to walk home (my school was about twenty minutes away) and eat lunch at home. Whatever amount she gave me I had to make it last the week.

So if I had to pay for charitable events or school fund-raising or class fund, it had to be out of my allowance, since no extras would be given on any accord.

When I finished secondary school, I deemed myself old enough to make a few decisions. I was already sixteen-going-on-seventeen. I told my parents I was going to go to school and back on my own.

Can you believe that was the first time I actually took a public bus all on my own? I took the train on my own around that time too. My parents were so worried about me, but I was so excited at the prospect of independence!

The first few days of the new school term, my parents kept asking me to call them if I needed them to drive me around, but I told them I could travel on my own. Imagine an almost seventeen-year-old girl calling for parents to pick her up! What an embarrassment!

My allowance got a little increment, just a little. Still not enough, especially I was older, had more school activities, and wanted to hang out more with my classmates. The issue of money became more frustrating, especially since my mum refused to back down, and I refused to settle for such a meagre amount.

I told my parents that if they could afford such a house, two big cars and a maid, surely it would not hurt them to increase my allowance a little more? I was not even asking for a thousand per month, but when my classmates (who lived in flats and some of them came from single-income families) had at least S$250.00 per month (with extras each time they asked), I had less than that (with no extras) to last for the month.

With the living expenses here, it is already almost impossible to live on only S$250.00 per month already, let alone even less!

So I started giving tuition to earn my keep. I grew tired of always quarrelling with my parents over the amount of allowance I got. And besides, I thought it would make me feel better about myself if I had earned my own keep.

This triggered off jests and surprises from my peers. They said that surely someone like me need not even work in the future, since most likely I could take over my dad's business, so why must I waste my time giving tuition to earn extra? What did they know anyway?

But I stopped asking for an allowance increase. My parents thought I could finally budget (I did not tell them about the tutoring stint since they would sure disapprove), but I felt good because at least I knew I could earn my own income, no matter how little the amount was.

My parents later decided that giving me a monthly allowance would be too much for fear I spent it all within a week, so they started giving me weekly allowances like before. At first I was unhappy, but my mum said if I protested again, she would give me on a daily basis and I would only get S$2.00 per day!

I was really mad with my parents. For someone of their class, they definitely could afford a lot more! Sometimes I think the wealthier people are, the more stingy and calculative they become!

So anyway, my tuition stint increased, from one student to two students, to siblings. So I had more income. And soon, I told my parents they need not give me weekly allowance anymore, once every two weeks would be enough.

When I entered university, I stopped taking money from them altogether. I did various holiday jobs and continued tutoring, and although I would not say that was a lot of money, it was enough for me to tide over at least.

My parents paid for my education, but the daily expenses were all my own, including my pager bills, then mobile bills, and the telephone and electricity bills at the campus hostel. And of course, ever since I started working, I had not taken a single cent from my parents. If anything, I gave them a part of my income every month.

Looking back, I would still think my parents were a tad too calculative, but in a way, they taught me independence. Although the irony is that they still control my movements and my life even now, but I started earning my own keep since young.

A lot of people never believed I had to freelance to sustain myself. Even now, some will ask why not study full-time, after all, my parents can support me. And they do not believe that I am paying for my own further education, not my parents.

But, like what Leecooper said, it was because of this that he learnt independence. I guess the same goes for me. I complained to my cousin-godma that I cannot stand my brother at times, and I wonder why my parents treat him so much better.

He is already having a lot more allowance than me (whether that time or now), and each time he asked, they would give him more, they are paying for his mobile bills, he still calls them to drive him wherever he want to go, and in circumstances when he had to travel on his own, he had to call me to ask about the buses that go to a particular area, or the nearest train station.

But she said actually it was a good thing my parents treated me the way they did, because I am a much better person than my brother. She said I am sensible, independent and respectful, whereas he is just self-centred, calculative, attention-seeking and disrespectful.

Well... cannot really comment whether I am as good as she (or anyone else) says, but I do know my brother is going to get into big trouble if he does not watch himself. He cannot have my parents to protect and shelter him forever.

In a way, my upbringing taught me a few lessons on what to do and what not to do to my future kids. I know at least I will support them through their studies, be it local or overseas, and I will provide them to the best of my ability, but at the same time teach them the value of money so they will not take their good lives for granted.

A Holy Day Of Obligation

Ascension Day.

Attended Mass I did.

Asked for mercy and forgiveness from God

As well as to forgive all those who sinned against me.

And I found peace.

Allelujah!

Amen.

Too Many Coincidences

There can never be enough coincidences. I saw two people whom I wish never to see again while buying dinner last night. I was trying to see if I could squirm out of an embarrassing situation when the lady came and talked to me.

At first, she asked if I would be attending their wedding. Funny question, considering I have not even had any details of their wedding date and venue. Then, she asked whether I would be interested in helping out at their wedding.

He must have let slip to her that I have been helping out at my cousins' and friends' weddings since young. Still, I was rather bemused at her question. My jaw almost dropped when I heard that. Is she serious?!

She must have seen my expression, because she quickly explained that they have no ulterior motives in asking me to help out at their wedding. But seeing that I look older (DO I REALLY?!) each time she sees me (as if she had seen me that many times), she thinks I should plan her wedding.

Her exact words were : Someone like me who is neither sexy nor gorgeous, will never be able to hold on to any guy for long, as guys want someone gorgeous whom they can show off, and not someone who shows signs of aging.

Thus, I will never be able to have my own wedding, so she is helping me make my dream come true by asking me to help prepare a dream wedding for them.

Talk about adding insult to injury! Adding salt to the wound! I have never been so humiliated in my life before! I was just so speechless with rage that I had no idea how to respond. And he just stood there and smiled without saying anything! But then again, what was I expecting him to say anyway?

I told them I had to rush so excused myself. But the damage was done. On my way home, I almost cried. No doubt I felt awkward seeing them, but actually it did not matter so much to me than what she said.

I keep telling myself to forgive and forget, that it is wrong to resent and be bitter, that hating someone is a sin, but when something like this happens, I just cannot help it. I was so angry I felt like strangling, murdering, voodooing.... anything if I could just erase my memory of this part of my life.

But what she said made me depressed. Is outer beauty really what counts? Is the one who is always so nice and giving always lose out just because she is plainer-looking, and the one who can give herself airs and so demanding get all the love just because she is too pretty to be let go off?

I did not wish to tell my guy what happened since he too was in a depressed state lately, but in the end I could not help it. I needed to get it off my chest, so I told him. And he comforted me (although I should be the one comforting him). He told me not to bother what others say as long as I have him and he loves me.

Now is that not just so sweet? That lifted my spirits up. I must remember what I promise myself - to resolve to be happy, especially with my sweet dear, and not let anything affect my mood.

Meanwhile, I have to see how to get rid of this bitterness in my mind. Perhaps I need a ritual cleansing of the soul before I can find peace.

Radio Shows For Airheads?

Is it not just so exasperating when you know the answer to a radio show, yet can never get through to the line, but those who did get through do not know the answer in the first place?

I was tuning in to the Gold Breakfast Show yesterday (Tuesday actually) morning. The deejay was giving away prizes for the person who could name three Shakespeare tragedies. I was feeling excited as that is the type of question specially made for me!

However, I tried calling in again and again, but to no avail. And the deejay kept picking up calls from those who could not answer the question fully. The callers stated "Romeo and Juliet", but gave wrong answers to the other two.

Some said "Merchant Of Venice" (a comedy), some "Midsummer Night's Dream" (a comedy too), and some even said "David Copperfield", of a totally different era. The deejay said "David Copperfield" is a Dicken's play!

Well, not a play actually, but a novel. Anyway, after five callers, the competition was closed, and all got consolation prizes for participating. I was so disappointed! I could have answered that in a breath!

Shakespeare wrote thirteen tragedies - "Titus Andronicus", "Romeo and Juliet", "Julius Caesar", "Hamlet, Prince Of Denmark", "Troilus And Cressida", "Othello, The Moor Of Venice", "Macbeth", "King Lear", "Antony And Cleopatra", "Coriolanus", "Timon Of Athens", "Pericles, Prince Of Tyre" and "Cymbeline" (listed in chronological order). Just pick any three of these and one could be a winner!

Times like these I wish those who are not confident of answering correctly should refrain from calling in and wasting the airtime, and let those who really know the answer get through the line.

Dancing On Stage

Lately the chorus sessions are geared towards the July performance. Our dance chereographer has arrived. As the performane is on a Mozart Opera set during the Romantic era, she taught us a few steps rooted in Latin dance.

There will be a segment when all the females and males have to pair up to dance together. The ladies have to curtsey, while the gentlemen have to bow with one hand behind their backs, as it was in the debutante balls of olden days.

The steps are easy to master actually, since most of us have no dance training whatsoever, so she only gave us very easy steps. The important thing is to keep to the rhythm and let our bodies flowed together.

Unfortunately, because most of us have no background, she called for extra sessions, and the first extra session will be this Sunday at her dance studio. Luckily the session will be in the afternoon, otherwise I will not be able to make it at night due to an important event.

Overall it was a very fun session. Now I remember why I like performing so much when I was young, even now. You have so much fun during practices, and the excitement of being on stage and knowing you are doing a great job, makes all the time, commitment and exhaustion worthwhile!

Lessons From "Singapore Idol"

1. If you do not sound musically decent, ie out of tune, out of pitch, lack of voice projection, do not go on television and make a fool of yourself, then crumble and cry after you were booted out, unless you have a super thick skin and willing to accept anything that come your way.

2. Your song must match your voice. In other words, if you cannot sing high notes, do not attempt a Pavarotti or a Sarah Brightman. Likewise, if your voice is naturally high, flaunt it. Do not sabotage your chance by attempting to sing a song much lower than your range.

3. At least two years of regular professional voice training is required before you even attempt to go for the auditions. Simply being in choirs or choral groups all your life does not guarantee you will sing up to par if you have not had any formal training.

4. Have a theme. Your voice must suit the song, the song must suit the dressing, the dressing must suit the image. If you are singing a sweetie-pie song, then ensure you have a sweetie-pie voice and image to go along. A rough voice with a sweetie-pie song with a Gothic image simply does not cut it; neither does a country look with a sweetie-pie voice but a gruff cowboy song.

5. The judges can be rather crude or curt. But if one is to be an idol and going to be in the limelight, then one must be able to take criticisms and harsh remarks. The judges are the best people to judge whether one can sing or not, so if you are cut off and told to retreat, go off graciously instead of cursing and swearing and pleading for another chance.

6. Make sure you can pronounce your words properly, and your diction is clear and perfect. The worst thing that can happen while singing is to slur or lisp and "murder" the entire song.

7. Understand what an "idol" means in the first place. An "idol" is not just someone with a strong enough voice who had the potential to make it in the industry, but also someone people look up to, someone people follow. Thus, the person must have a certain image, looks good on television and able to garner a wide fan base. Thus, if you are not good-looking and does not have a good voice and no charisma, do not even bother trying out unless you are prepared to embarrass yourself in front of millions.

If You Got Nothing, Why Flaunt?

Why do some people think themselves too high for anyone without even looking at their own reflections? As it is, I keep bumping into people I do not wish to see. As if I am not in a bad enough mood the past few days, this person must appear and make me even more irritated.

I saw that cheapo a few days back while on my way home. I saw him first and was hoping that I would have a peaceful trip because I certainly do not wish to talk to him. But the carriage is such that everyone will start looking at everyone else, so inevitably, he saw me.

He came to talk to me, and the first thing he remarked was that I have put on weight (I KNOW!), as he can now see a bit of my tummy, and that is so ugly. He, of all people, dare to say that to me?!

I still have a relatively hour-glass figure, whereas his figure is what I will describe as a round teddy bear, with lots of belly protruding out. Look at himself before he even dares to comment on a person's weight and figure!

Luckily he got off at the next stop, so I did not need to bear with anymore insults. Why do some people think they can just dish out negative comments on others in front of them just like that? If it is something I have done that hurts others, then by all means tell me straight, but do not put down the way I look or my character or things I do.

And I certainly do not need any cheapo fatso telling me I look ugly because I have put on weight or that I cannot manage my finances just because I refuse to pay for him any longer. Who does he think he is anyway?

This was not the first time someone put me down so curtly. When I was in my first relationship, all he did was to put me down, from my dressing to the way I write to my English standard. I got A for both English Language and Literature, and he got a C for both subjects, he had the cheek to criticise my English standard?

He used to say that if my standard of English was really so good, why did I only use simple adjectives while speaking? This tells a lot about my Vocabulary. Why? Simple, because I find it a mouthful to use three syllables instead of just one syllable, so out of sheer laziness, I chose to construct my sentences in as few words and syllables as possible.

But who was he to comment as well? I was younger then, so did not have the guts to speak up, but if it is now, I would have told him off straight away. He was the one who needed my help to draft his reports and essays, and he dared say that my language ability was not up to par?

Then there were also those guys who actually asked me how can I be satisfied without a car and without any gold cards. They keep on telling me how many gold cards they have, the amount of salary they earn and the cars they change every half a year or so.

They asked do I not want to aim for better luxury? In the first place, I cannot drive, so a car is useless to me. And I have not earned enough to afford any gold card. They have the cheek to say that if I remain so "poor", how to have a better quality of life?

Who are they to say I am poor? All these are just material stuff, it does not matter to me, as long as I am rich in love, friendship and happiness. All the material things in the world do not make one a happier or better person.

And anyway, who are they to show off as well? If I really want to show off, I can flaunt my house to everyone. I have a maid all my life, I sleep on a queen-size bed in a room twice the size of a normal living room of a flat, I do not make my own bed or my own meals or do my own laundry, I was chauffeured all the way until I finished secondary school.

I have a grand-uncle who is the head of an Indonesian multinational company, with branches in Hong Kong and Singapore, I have another uncle who owns a public-listed company here, my mother is a top civil servant who heads a team of a few hundred, and my father heads two businesses in China and Indonesia.

How many people here can actually afford this type of lifestyle or live in a house like mine? Okay, it is not my house but my parents' house, but those guys who tried to show off to me only live in four- or five-room flats and are only in normal jobs, yet they think they are so wealthy or arrogant.

I am not trying to be all high-and-mighty here, but if people want to show off, then make sure they have substantial assets to show off in the first place. If they have nothing to flaunt, why bother?

If you want to flaunt your riches and tell others how poor they are, then make sure you have enough riches to flaunt in the first place. If you want to tell others how ugly or stupid they are, then make sure you are so drop-dead gorgeous or a top genius in the first place. Otherwise, you are just nothing, as compared to a lot of other people.

Da Vinci, Decoded

Solve this anagram : A Man's Oil. I am surprised at myself that I managed to solve it the moment I saw the promotion poster outside the theatre. Answer : Mona Lisa.

But I am so happy that I can finally watch the movie which I have waited almost a year for. When we reached the theatre, it was such a long queue, from in front of the box office all the way to the middle of the shopping mall.

Since we were almost right at the back of the queue, we could not even see the timings on the little screen properly. What luck that we are both deeply myopic and do not have perfect vision even with lenses on.

So I stayed in the queue and he went in front to check out the timings. He came back and told me that almost all the shows have sold out, all the way until the midnight show. What?! He said we could always watch another show and watch this the following week.

No way! I waited so long just to watch the movie! Besides, I am looking forward to "X-Men" next week! Even if it is not Da Vinci, I want to watch Tom Hanks in action!

So we decided to try our luck at the theatre in the next shopping mall. And luckily this time we managed to get tickets, not just for Da Vinci, but "Over The Hedge" as well.

Tom Hanks put up a superb performance, as usual. The movie is more than just an adaptation; it is almost the entire book itself. Every character, every scene, every action, it is just as if I am reading the book all over again, but with moving pictures this time instead of just words.

The only part that was changed is around the end when Sophie discovered her true identity, and the identity of her grandfather. The movie-makers decided to change that part probably to make it more interesting, but actually, I feel the book's ending is still better.

Overall a very good movie of the drama genre. Although we are wondering what garnered the NC-16 rating, since there is no nudity or coarse language or real violence anywhere. Perhaps it is the storyline. But then, the book has been read by kids as young as nine even, so does it really matter even if kids below the age of sixteen get to watch it?

It is true that a picture speaks a thousand words. I never know how magnificent the Louvre is until I saw it on screen, or how beautiful the Mona Lisa and Madonna of the Rocks are. Da Vinci was a genius indeed, to be able to create such artistry using just a few colours. And it was after reading the book that I started looking at the Last Supper a little differently.

The book and the show is just fiction. Dan Brown was sued for blasphemy because of his works. And Christians worldwide are protesting to ban the show. However, a good piece of fiction is a good piece of fiction.

People should just keep an open mind and understand that everything is just fiction. Just because one reads the book or watch the movie, does not automatically mean one becomes a betrayer of the faith. It is how you live your life and practice the faith that determines a good Christian, not because of some author's good imagination.

P/S. For those in the know, one more week! I just want to thank you very much in advance. Will touch base soon regarding venue and time confirmation. See you!

Feeling Down ....

In sooth, I know not why I am so sad; it wearies me; you say it wearies you; but how I caught it, found it, or came by it, what stuff't is made of, whereof it is born, I am to learn; and such a want-wit sadness makes of me that I have much ado to know myself. I hold the world but as the world, a stage, where everyone must play a part, and mine a sad one.

And so reflects my mood for the week. I have been feeling down and moody, yet have absolutely no idea why. In fact, I was feeling so down that I actually woke up in the middle of the night to cry, and my tears suddenly came down in the middle of work today. Perhaps it is to do with the bad vibes I have been feeling. I just cannot help but feel that something is not right.

Maybe I have been too demanding or not understanding enough. I have been moody, and I have friends who actually asked if I am alright. I told my guy I am moody, but he has not spoken ten sentences to me today.

I tried to understand that he is busy, that he cannot always be around each time I need, but I wonder if it is right for me to be mad? Or am I just being too petty? Sometimes I wish we have more of a Westernised culture where people have no qualms saying exactly how they feel.

Like if they love a person, they will say it. They are not reserved about holding or hugging their loved ones. In our Asian culture, particularly Chinese, we are brought up to be more reserved. We are not allowed to show our love in front of others.

I have never heard my parents ever declaring their love to each other, nor seen them hugging or holding hands. Asian men are brought up to believe that men must be macho, showing love or their true feelings is a sign of weakness.

But I need someone who can tell me he loves me. No need to be every hour, every day, but at least to tell me he loves me, and he misses me, and how much he yearns to see me. Somehow I think maybe if the guy is no longer pining to see you, then the connection is gone, and the relationship will go downhill.

I know he cares for me, he is generous, he gives me a wonderful time each time we go out. Yet he is not there when I need him the most. Or perhaps it is just bad timing. Perhaps I am too needy. Or even perhaps I do not know what is good for myself.

I do not need the guy to meet me or be around 24/7, like some of my friends. That is unhealthy. But as it is, we only get to see each other and go out once a week. The most eight hours per week.

Two days during the weekends, and one day he meets with his family. Throughout the week, we see each other at work, but that is not the same. Meeting each other in the office as co-workers is not the same as actually meeting up with him.

I get to see him the most half an hour during weekdays when we take the same transport, but even then, we cannot really behave like a couple for professional reasons. I want so much to be able to just enjoy his company once in a while after office hours.

Is it wrong to ask that? Am I just being too demanding or unreasonable that I want more of his time than what he can give me? I am a selfish person too. I want my guy to put me first in his heart, just like I put him first in my heart. I love him too much to lose him.

I also cannot understand just what is wrong with me. The guy is already better than anyone I have ever been with, so am I still justifiable to complain? I think I really should count my blessings, but I cannot help the way I feel, especially since I always let my heart overrule my head.

Justification Of Wierdness

Mr X (Anonymous) just tagged me! About six wierd things about myself. But when it comes to me, six is definitely not enough! So anyway, here goes ....

1. I have very extreme mood swings. One moment I can be the happiest person in the world, thinking the sun is always shining, the sky is always blue, the flowers are always blooming, but the next second I can sway to the other extreme and get angry with anyone and everyone with no rhyme or reason.

2. I crave for good food, yet I am extremely choosy over my food. (Go figure.)

3. I do not mean what I say, and I do not say what I mean at times. (Go figure too.)

4. I can re-read a book over and over again, and relive the excitement and fantasy of the story all over again. The same goes for movies, which I can sit in for three movies consecutively in a day.

5. I can go for musicals, plays and operas (things which "normal" people will not enjoy) all by myself, and thoroughly enjoy them.

6. I care too much about things which do not really matter, but do not care enough about things that really matter.

So, do I justify that I am wierd?

The Ugliness Of Man ....

Why are humans so selfish? My mum told me that one of her staff passed away last week after one month of medical leave. He had pneumonia, and no one dared to visit him in the hospital. He died alone.

This reminds me of the SARS period a few years back. I read a story where public buses and cabs refused to drop and pick up hospital workers, and nurses in their uniforms taking the train were shunned by fellow passengers.

I am one of those lucky ones who escaped the epidemic, but throughout that period, I was full of awe and admiration for those hospital workers. They were at the fore front fighting the illness, treating the sick, and some even caught the virus and died.

If anything, they gained our respect, and not nasty put-downs like why were they taking public transport if they had a risk of infecting others? Ask ourselves what did we ever do for those who were sick?

These people did their jobs without complaints, with all the overtime and running around, fully aware they could get sick and die too. The least people could do was to be nice instead of treating them like some sort of walking virus carrier or something.

There were people dying everyday. How would you feel if you witness people dying and tried your best to help them, but to no avail? And when you go out, other people avoided you like the plague.

What if someone from your family dies? The person could be a son / daughter, a father / mother, an aunt / uncle. My cousin succumbed to leukaemia at the age of ten. I was also only ten then, and went to the hospital often, seeing her got poked everywhere with needles.

I could not bear it, I really felt for her. And when my mum gave me the news that she (my cousin) had passed on, I cried my heart out. I cried at her funeral, even though I tried to be strong for my younger cousins and comforted them.

Have you seen how death looks? I saw it, four times, first when my elder cousin died of an asthmatic attack, when my cousin succumbed to leukaemia, when my late grandfather was lying in his coffin, and most recently when my late music teacher was lying in her coffin.

If people have witnessed up close and personal how death looks like, they would think twice about treating those hospital workers as outcasts. These are the people whom we need to lend a helping hand even more.

A couple of incidents happened to me and people I know during the SARS period. It was such a scare that all schools were closed and lessons were suspended, so I was sort of on leave for a month or so. That was a welcome break, as I need not face those "brats" day in day out.

Before the news came that schools were closed, I had to settle the music score for the new school song. So a couple of colleagues and I drove down to the musician's place and we negotiated on the final details.

That day I was already feeling under the weather. The next day, I was down with flu and had to take medical leave. That evening, the news came that schools would be closed until further notice and students were advised to be quarantined at home due to the outspread of SARS.

I was sick with flu for about a week. Anyway my colleague called me and said that I should not have followed them if I was not feeling well. Now she would have to disinfect and clean her car thoroughly.

I was already feeling so sick, and hearing this made my blood boil, but I was too sick to say anything, so I just mumbled an apology. After two weeks, we needed to go back for a meeting. If the schools were not closed, I would have taken a week off as it was really bad flu.

That day when we went back for the meeting, I had fully recuperated, yet nobody dared to sit next to me! Call themselves teachers, and they are all so hypocritical and self-centred! Whether I was the one who was sick or someone else, that was no excuse for downright shunning someone, let alone a colleague and friend!

Sometimes I think it is only through crisis like this that you get to see people's true colours. Like in the past each time any of my guys were sick, I would definitely be over at their place and made sure I was there for them, yet whenever I was sick, they would always be far far away.

If a guy's girlfriend is sick and he does not even bother asking about her or showing some concern, how is she going to depend on him and will he really be with her in sickness and in death next time?

Worst is when the girl still went to meet him despite being sick (at the guy's insistence), but in the end got scolded by the guy for trying to spread her germs to him.

A crisis can bring out the best in people, as well as the worst. Just a pity often people chose to show their worst instead of their best.

Sense And Sensibility

Lately I have been experiencing strange vibes. Some people will say it is a sign, others call it women's instincts. But whatever it is, whenever I have strange vibes like this something unpleasant happens to me.

The first time I experienced this was a few years back, where I went on the Sydney wedding trip and came back with a change in status. As and when, I would experience vibes like this, and always something unpleasant happens.

The last time I felt like this, I lost a job I loved. Now for the past few days, these feelings have become stronger and stronger. I really wonder what will happen to me this time. Afterall, a woman's instinct is always the strongest where things are concerned.

Perhaps I am just being too sensitive, or perhaps I am thinking too much (as always!), but somehow I link these vibes to two things - my job and my relationship.

Job wise, I had this feeling something would happen especially since my supervisor is finding every opportunity to pick on me, but I was just told yesterday that I can handle more responsibilities, so I guess that is a good sign.

Relationship wise, sometimes I hate myself for being so demanding. It is a different thing being with someone much older and someone who is my age. Guys my age (or rather, the ones I had been with) would never let me have my own freedom, would insist on me spending all my time with them, would whine if they did not get their ways.

But they are romantic and know how to woo a girl with class and finery, know how to compose poems and love songs for her. However, they are more immature, even more than me! Thus, instead of putting up with my nonsense, I have to put up with them. Instead of being emotionally there for me, I always have to be emotionally there for them.

An older guy (not all, since some I met are pricks too) gives you your own space, supports everything you do, will not throw tantrums (at least my guy will not), and really makes sure you have a good time on a date.

However, they are probably more reserved in expressing their feelings. Of course if you really love a person, you do not even need to say it out, but I guess girls, especially for someone like me who is so emotionally high-strung, may feel more reassured if he can tell me he loves me. Just three words.

At times I also wonder how much he misses me when we are not together. Afterall, only if you stop missing or pining for someone, then the love has ended. He is always on my mind, but at times I wonder if I am always in his mind.

Sometimes why do guys not take the initiative to just reassure their girlfriends? Do they need to be told all the time what to do? It is not that I do not trust him, but hearing it from his mouth how much I am wanted makes me feel good about myself.

It is not wrong to be reserved, as I can be rather reserved as well, but perhaps I may feel more secure if he reassures me? All the more so especially lately I have this feeling that something is going on or going to go wrong. Or maybe I am just demanding too much and thinking too much.

But then, I must give him credit that he is able to put up with me in the first place already. It is so hard to find someone like me as most people deem me wierd due to my thinking, my beliefs, my ideals and my hobbies.

How To Tell If He Stops Loving You?

I seem to have lost my inspiration the past few days, partly due to my brain cells being used up from too much mugging. In the end, all came to nought as my exam was unexpectedly postponed due to certain matters.

I shall not dwell too much on it, except that the situation calls for me being in different places at the same time, and being human, I cannot split myself into so many parts. So, although I do not like to do this, I had to call the university and asked for a postponement of the paper.

Thus, the paper would be pushed to the next semester. I had to resit this paper (luckily not retake the whole module), and all the credits I earned from the work done will be pushed to the next semester, which means I have to take an extra paper next semester.

A friend just asked me this question : How can you tell if he no longer loves you? How would you know if he wants out of the relationship?

Hard to answer actually because everyone is different. Maybe some guys are just more reserved at showing love. But how does one show love anyway? By saying mushy things or telling you how wonderful you are? Love is not on words alone.

She says that she fears perhaps he is getting sick of her, because nowadays when she asked him out, he does not want to go out sometimes, does not reply to all her messages, and no longer reply to mushy messages.

What is the big deal anyway? Everybody need their own space. The guy does not have to agree to go out all the time or answer all messages.

Does a guy stop loving a girl if he is more interested in going out with his friends, or watching television or playing computer games at home than going out and meeting with her? Hard to answer actually.

If they have been meeting up everyday, then it is reasonable that he will want some time to do his own stuff, get involved in his own recreation. If they have not been going out for the past month or so because he always wants to stay home and play games, then it is questionable.

Does he stop loving her if he throws tantrums? From my experience, a guy who throws tantrums is not likely to get better; rather he will get worse. My friend says that he will bang things when he is angry, but he has not hit her. Well.... does she want to wait until he hits her then?

I think the fundamental thing is trust. One just have to trust that your partner loves you. I guess I do not really have much experience in this area too, as in the past, all the guys who said they loved me all broke their promises of commitment one by one.

But then without trust, the relationship cannot continue. Distrust leads to communication breakdown, misunderstandings and culminates into quarrels and arguments. Sometimes it is better not to probe too much and just go with one's instincts.

Happy Mother's Day!

Happy Mother's Day to all the great mummies out there! My brother and I brought my mum out for lunch at the Ayam Penyet Indonesian Restaurant near my area for lunch. I ordered the Ayam Penyet, Gado-Gado and Kerupok Udang and Emping for them. (Is someone drooling yet? ;-p)

Anyway it was a very filling lunch. My mum said it is really worth it because the food is nice, inexpensive and filling at the same time. I am just glad that she enjoyed the meal, it is the least I can do.

Alright, back to my studies again! Two more days to the battle!

My Path To Enlightenment

My brother accused me of being a religious fanatic just because I told him off for using my Bible as a coaster for his drink. It was my fault actually, I was reading the Bible halfway when my mum called me to try on a dress, and I left it on the table. Next thing I knew, my brother grabbed it as the nearest convenient thing for his drink.

But this is nothing to do with being religious. One simply does not use a Holy book as a coaster! He is showing so much disrespect to the religion! Just like one does not use the Koran or Buddhist scriptures as coasters or anything else for that matter!

Besides, I will never be considered as someone who is fanatical about religion. I cherish my faith simply because it has been a long and arduous journey, with trials and tribulations and lots of disagreements along the way.

I go for Sunday masses, uphold the no-meat Friday, and say my grace before every meal. The first I did ever since I officially started going to church, but the latter two I did only recently after my baptism.

Other than that, I do not think I am that staunch or religious. I do not pray so many times a day, or go for masses everyday, and have not even gone for Confession as yet. Plus I sin too, in terms of wrath, envy, sloth and gluttony.

Perhaps for people not in the faith, they will think I am religious by going to church or saying my grace before every meal. But these are just the very minimal of Christian living. People in the faith will defnitely think I am not doing much at all, ie I should pray more, be more involved in church activities, read the Bible more.

Come to think of it, I have not really thanked anyone for my faith. No doubt God is the one to thank, but it was through the influence of several people that I am finally baptised and confirmed in the faith.

Ironically the very people who influenced my religious path the most are the ones that I am no longer on speaking terms with. They are the real religious fanatics, not me. They have crucifixes in every room of their homes, plus a big crucifix and a portrait of Mary on the front door.

To start from the beginning, I have to thank my eldest cousin (now my godmother). She was the one that first brought me to church. When I was young and my first brother was still a sickly baby, my parents put me under the care of my eldest aunt and uncle for a while.

I was a naughty kid who wanted to go everywhere, so when I saw my cousin getting ready to go to church, I pestered her to bring me along. She agreed provided I keep very quiet.

So I went for my first mass, and followed her when she stood up, knelt down to pray, and when she sang. The only thing she did not allow me to do was to take Communion.

Then when I entered school, being a convent, there were first Friday masses every month, plus masses every first and last days of the school year, for examinations, Ash Wednesday, Maundy Thursday, Easter Monday, All Saints' Day and All Souls' Day.

Bible Studies took the place of Moral Education lessons. I went along with the flow. But since most of my classmates are born Catholics, so once in a while I would follow them to church. I learnt about God and His miracles.

I finally understood how everything is like in secondary school when a priest came and taught us Cathechism. He wanted the non-Christians to go to church to learn more about the faith, and I was the only one who wanted to go. So for that, I thank him.

After secondary school, I met my first guy who is a real staunch Catholic. I must thank him and his parents. His dad was thrown out of his family for converting and almost became a priest. His mum studied in a convent and wanted to convert since young, but her parents forbade her.

So she wanted a Catholic guy just so she could convert upon marriage. Thus, the family is brought up in a very pious way, probably because the parents know how hard it was for them to practice their faith.

Anyway his parents used to preach the Bible to me. My ex used to bring the Bible everywhere and preached the Ten Commandments and some other teachings to me. Every word he said would be summarised by a quote from the Bible, everything I did he would tell me to follow God's word. He told me to read the Bible instead of the books I love to read.

He got me involved in his church activities - choir, youth group, Sunday School. I enjoyed the activities at first, but it became a bit too much for me. I had only officially started going to church (and quarrelling with my parents every weekend because of this). All the activities became too overwhelming and time-consuming.

But despite everything, I learnt a lot from him. He made me understand the faith much better. For the first time in my life, I actually knew what I was doing when I attended mass. So even after he left me, instead of back-sliding, I continued going to church regularly.

Needless to say, my parents were unhappy as they assumed once my relationship was over, I could go back to normal and stopped attending church. Then I met my second guy and he, too, came from a staunch Catholic family.

His father is a third-generation Catholic, being part Peranakan. His mother converted when she married the father, against her parents' wishes (to convert, not to marry him), so she, too, knows how hard it is to believe in her faith.

It was through my second guy that I got to attend masses in the evenings, Novenas, learnt how to pray the Rosary. He was also from a Catholic school, coincidentally the boy's school opposite my school, and was involved in the Legion of Mary group.

So when I entered NIE, I joined the Catholic Student's Apostolate, and met fellow Catholics who are just as staunch (as my ex, not me). These Catholics came from all sorts of background.

There was a guy (my former President) who almost became a priest, and he is now married with two girls. I take him as some sort of elder brother and still calls him for advise once in a while.

Our Vice-President was attending bible classes at that period of time, and when the year ended, she got baptised. In fact, most of the active members were converts. Perhaps those born Catholics tend to take the faith for granted?

I have to thank them for all their religious sharing, and the other religious activities like retreats, Taize and Praise and Worship sessions which they introduced me to. But above all these, I must thank my second ex, as he is probably the greatest influence on my decision to be a Catholic.

I also have to thank my third ex, as it was through his constant disagreement, questioning and putting down of my faith that I finally know nothing can ever come in between me and my religion.

I also need to thank a few other people. Firstly, my sponsor for bible studies, who has been with my throughout my journey, and who has willingly sacrificed one night every week just to attend the class faithfully with me, as well as another friend who is also a stanch Catholic, who has been encouraging me all the way.

And of course, I must thank a certain person with the initials TRS who once told me to find peace through prayer, which I did, and who congratulated me when I got baptized.

And also the priest who baptised me, the Archbishop who confirmed me, my parents for finally accepting my beliefs and for being there for me when I got baptised, and last but not least (because I am saving the best and most important for the last), the Almighty Father Himself for choosing me.

I still have a lot to learn where religion is concerned, but I am ready and willing to take the next step and have a greater leap into my faith!

Of Marriage And Commitment

My Australian cousin is getting married. Finally! I am so happy for him! In all the midst of the happiness and the email I sent out to congratulate him, I neglected the fact that now I am the only one left who is of the age and not married.

Ironially since of the three of us born in the same year, I am the eldest. This cousin is about three weeks younger, and our other cousin is more than two months younger than me. Yet it is the youngest that got married first, in January last year.

Now this cousin is following suit. He has set a wedding date tentatively around mid-July next year. Of course we have to fly down to Sydney to attend the wedding. Just when I could finally forget the last time I flew down to Sydney to attend his elder brother's wedding ....

Anyway my brother was telling me I better do something about my status soon, otherwise I will be under tremendous pressure, since after me, the rest of the cousins are younger. Sometimes it is not a matter whether I want to do anything about my status, but whether the guy I am with is ready or willing to do something about it.

So my cousins are lucky in the sense that they love their girlfriends enough to be willing to commit to them, even at an age where most guys are still considered "tooo young" to get married.

Maybe I just happen to be unlucky in the past that I had never been able to meet any guy who loved me enough to commit fully. They promised me to marry me one day, but in the end never did fulfil the promise. Now that I am moving on, I just have to let things take its own course.

Actually a lot of my peers are disillusioned with settling down and having a family. They have witnessed a lot of breakdowns in marriages, delinquent kids and affairs. Like what one of my friends say, what is the use of getting married when in the end you divorce?

I always feel that when you get married, or when you enter a relationship, it is a full commitment. For marriage, it is a lifetime commitment. It is only the first day of the rest of your life, which you will journey together with your partner. Having someone to grow old with, have kids with, build a future with is the greatest happiness one can ever experience.

But in that case, why would marriages break down? Is it solely the fault of one person or both? Will you marry someone you love so much but he can never make you happy, or someone who loves you so much that he is willing to do everything for you, yet your heart belongs to someone else who can never be yours?

What if the person you are with and love so much is not ready or willing to commit? Are you going to wait then? How long can you wait? Five years, ten years? Twenty years even? Is it worth wasting your life and youth away for someone who is never going to settle down?

I wasted so many years of my life, hoping for a promise to be kept and I can have a dream come true, yet I had been disappointed again and again. My cousins are the lucky ones as they can hook up with just one or two partners and settle down with them.

Even my girlfriends who used to be so wild and changed boyfriends all the time, still managed to find someone to settle down with earlier than me. So why is that that for someone like me and my best friend, who take relationships so seriously and totally committed to the one we were with, still not married?

My mum once asked me how many relationships do I want to go through? My honest answer? Only one. I wanted to marry the first guy I was with (ok, he was a totally self-centred and mean prick, then I wanted to marry the one after that and almost did).

I never wanted to be in and out of relationships. Why would I want to do that when each time I got dumped makes me feel like a thousand knives stabbing through my entire body? I am not one to torture myself this way.

But what is the use if I was the one who wanted to commit, yet the guys did not want to mean what they said? Granted there are girls who are not willing to commit, but normally once a girl reaches her mid-twenties or so, she will want to settle down, but the guy of the same age may not want to as yet.

I have friends who told me that the guy does not love you enough if he expects you to wait for him and not willing to commit. Afterall, a guy in his late-twenties is different from a girl of the same age.

A woman starts going downhill once she reaches thirty, so she does not have that many years left to find a partner and procreate, whereas a man, even at the age of forty, can still look around and find someone to settle down with.

Guys can afford to wait, girls cannot. Perhaps only a guy who is willing to propose to the girl and want to spend the rest of his life with her, taking care of her and providing for her can truly claims he loves her deeply and worthy of the girl's deep love in return.

Give me a man who is willing to go through trials and tribulations with me, and not someone who runs away at the slightest problem, and that will be a man worth holding on to.

The Deserted North-East

My country is a very small place, hardly to be seen on the world map. Thus to cater to the growing population and modernisation of society, high-rise buildings had to be built for people to stay and work.

So the government had been developing areas ever since the late fifties, starting from the Central West, to the Central North, to the West, to the East, to the far West, to the far East, then up to the North, far North, South-West, North-West, and finally the North-east.

The North-East had always been a tad undeveloped, especially the far North-East. Even as late as the early nineties, there were still traces of fish farms scattered around the area. Thus the few neighbourhoods consisting of the far North-East are still being developed even now.

I was there on Monday evening to look up a friend who is (or was?) temping in one of the neighbourhood shopping malls there. I will not even consider it a "neighbourhood" because there are hardly any flats around, and most of the land is still sparse.

A big change from the area I stay in. I thought my area itself is rather undeveloped as compared to other areas already, since there is not even a mall there, and the nearest mall is a few train stations away. But at least there are many eating places, bus services and two train stations.

I made my way there after work. First company transport to the train station. Then take the train down and switch to the North-East line. Go all the way to the last stop and switch to the Rail and drop off at the third stop.

I must confess it is mighty hard to get there! Thank goodness the North-East line came up, otherwise I really would have no idea how in the world to get there! But at least here, no matter how far you go, the most amount of time taken is two hours, even if you travel via train from the last stop of the North-East line to the last stop of the North line.

But it was worth it. I met up with my friend, who incidentally does not look like any of his photos, sort of explored a new area, and went grocery shopping since there is a supermarket. I bought a few things for the office and some things for my guy as well.

And because my groceries were too heavy, I hailed a cab back. The cab driver seemed unfamiliar with the area, and kept asking me where to go. I told him I had no idea too as it was also the first time I went there.

He lost the way a little, then in the end he stumbled upon a familiar area to which I directed him the rest of the way. At least he was nice enough to charge me only half the price for bringing me around in circles.

The far North-East made me feel like I have gone back in time fifteen or twenty years. It is quieter, more peaceful and laid-back as compared to the other more heavily-populated areas.

A nice feeling, but I think I will feel very bored if I stay there for long due to the inconvenience of travelling and lack of amenities and facilities.

To those in the know : two weeks more. Finally, I can have a chance to meet some of you for the first time! Really looking forward to it!

Busy! Busy!

Vesak Day, and I am so glad for another long weekend. I really need the break! My busy period is starting again. Besides the peak period at work, I have my own activities to occupy myself with.

First up, my examinations, which is in another few days' time, and I am still a nervous wreck, considering it had been so long ago since my last examinations.

Next, I will be singing for my friend's wedding around late May and early June. She is actually my junior in NIE, as well as a fellow Committee member of the Catholic Student's Apostolate. She is finally getting married, about time anyway, considering she and her fiance has been together for nine years already.

After this, the performance season is here again. This will be my second performance at the Esplanade Theatre. We will be performing a Mozart opera entitled "The Marriage Of Figaro" around mid-July.

Thus, our once-a-week chorus practice will extend for half an hour longer from mid-May onwards, since besides the songs we will be singing, we have to learn the movements and actions of the opera as well.

Come mid-June, the intensive rehearsals will start again. When I say intensive, I mean really intensive. Weekends are all burnt for rehearsals, as we have to practice from day to night. We have to keep every Friday nights, Saturdays and Sundays free for about a month before the performance.

Besides these, we have our own weekly Tuesday sessions, and we need to be on standby for the month as we can be called back for practice any time, any day, any moment. As a result, sometimes we get inconvenienced due to last-minute callups and we were already involved in other plans. However, the end result is worth it!

Despite all these, I still have to bear in mind not to neglect my family and friends. Luckily my next semester will only start in mid-July, so I have one less thing to focus on during the period.

Seeking For Perfection ....

Is asking for perfection really good? Should one always expect a lot from others? There is nothing wrong with having high expectations, but should the expectations be imposed on others? Will is be fair to them since everyone is different?

I always envy my friends who grow up in average families. At least their parents have normal education, so when the children scored well and entered university, the parents are so proud of them.

But it is so stressful to grow up with parents who both have first-class honours and Masters and high-flying careers. My parents will expect me to be even better than them, so I could not be anything short of being a top scholar or a PhD holder.

So they spend my whole life telling me what a let-down and disappointment I am, and I spend my whole life trying to meet up to their expectations, but to no avail, and feel down and sorry that I have let them down yet again.

But must one seek for perfection in the first place? How perfect is perfect then? There will never be something that is perfect. Once the expectations are met, higher expectations will suffice, then higher, and higher, and so on.

When I scored 80, I had to score 90. When I scored 90, I had to score full marks. When I finally scored full marks, it was still not enough as it was only one subject, so what happened to the other subjects?

It is a vicious cycle, and a never-ending process. Nothing is ever good enough if perfection is what one seeks, because there will never be a distinction on what constitutes as "too perfect".

So I gave up. I stopped catering to what others want and started leading life the way I wanted. I gave up things I wanted to meet other's expectations, so in the end, I gave up the things they wanted so I could live my life the way I like.

And I am happy with my life now. If I had gone along with some of the things my parents wanted of me, perhaps I would not have been happy. I would have been obedient or dutiful, but just existing, not really living.

I believe all parents want the best for their children, but when will they deem their children as ever going to be perfect enough? Must everything be so perfect and good if the child is able to lead a good life and be independent and become a good person?

Alright, I am a disappointment in my parents' eyes. I am not a top scholar, or a PhD holder, and I did not even attend any of the top schools. But I do have a decent education, I try to do my best in what I do, I have a good attitude in learning new things, and I try my best to be good and nice to the people around me.

Is that not enough? Must I really be someone so smart or graduate with top honours from an Ivy League university and be in a high-flying career and go on the cover of TIME magazine as one of the most successful young people below the age of thirty before my parents can finally be satisfied with me?

But in that case, even if I do achieve all these, perhaps it may still not be enough, because there will always be higher and higher expectations, and I will always be expected to be more and more perfect.

But for me, why worry about all these? As long as I am happy that is all that matters. It does not feel good to be constantly put down and reminded on how lousy you are by your own parents, but I have learnt to shut out the things they say so as not to affect me anymore.

A Wierd Character

Some people simply cannot take no for an answer. Besides this pesky foreigner who is trying to push a promotion for my company, and which we have turned him down numerous times, yet he still insists on calling back everyday to talk to us, I have to contend with other wierdos.

I have my own share of wierd and funny characters. I always find it strange that the people you most want to get rid of simply cannot be gotten rid of, yet the people you want to pay attention to you just cannot be bothered with you. But anyway, the latter situation is all in the past.

This guy whom I thought had disappeared for good suddenly talked to me online a few days back. He said that his birthday is coming, so can I get him a Crumpler bag, not just any one, but the one that costs S$99.00.

He was the one who was so thick-skinned to ask me to pay the couple of times he asked me out, so of course I refused. I told him that he did not even bother remembering or getting me anything for my birthday last year, why must I get him anything for his birthday? And how can anyone even ask for a birthday gift without anyone asking what he wants?

This guy did ask me some time ago if it was alright for him to pursue me. I did not agree as I wanted to observe, but after the second time I went out with him, I decided to drop him. He claimed he is in debt, yet went to all the expensive places and asked a girl to pay without battling his eyelids.

In the first place, if he cannot afford it, then cut down on his lifestyle! He wants an extravagant lifestyle and expensive things, yet not able to spend within his means. Does he not think I like a luxurious life too? But I have to see if I can afford that type of life in the first place.

This gives me the impression that he is not responsible for his own finances. What sort of future can you have with a guy who cannot even manage his own finances? Then what does he want a girlfriend for? Someone whom he can suck dry?

Besides, if he was really coming after me, he would at least make the effort to get to know me better. He never called nor message nor ask me out, and the once or twice I contacted him for some matters he either did not reply to my messages or rejected my calls.

How can a guy claims he likes a girl if he does not even want to talk to her? Before my guy and I got together, he used to send me messages to talk to me. He still does that now, with more messages. This other guy gave me the impression that he is not serious at all.

All these would not have mattered, but for the fact that he went around declaring that he is my boyfriend. When did I ever gave him that idea? He said he asked me for a birthday gift because I am his girlfriend, so I should give him a gift.

Can you believe the nerve of this guy? I said a couple of meetings do not constitute a relationship, and besides, I have never once said I agreed to be his girlfriend. And if he really treats me as his girlfriend, he would not be only talking to me by asking me for material stuff, yet not talking to me the rest of the time.

So I said I am already happily attached, and even if I am not, I will never consider him. He then said that it is an honour that he even considers pursuing me, so I better not think I am too high and mighty for him.

Does this guy not understand what his problem is? Money aside, I did not ask him back a single cent I spent on him, but does he even know what is right or wrong to do?

If all he wants is a girl who can spend on him, then go get a sugar mummy. I cannot afford to upkeep his lifestyle, and anyway I am not in the habit of providing charity to cheapskates.

He then accused that I am just like his other ex-girlfriends, run away the moment he asked for material stuff, then go hook up with guys who can spend on them. He accused me of being materialistic.

Well, there is a difference between being materialistic and being downright gullible. Why does he not examine himself in the first place and realise where he has gone wrong?

I already got almost all my life savings wiped out once, thus I told myself never to let another person drain me of my money ever again. If I am treating or paying for a person out of my own free will, that is another matter.

But I will not take it if someone ask me out then in the end expect me to pay for everything, unless I offered to pay in the first place. But luckily my friends are all rather nice, at least the guys I hang out with are generous enough to foot the bill even if I told them not to. And of course, my dear is the most generous of them all!

So anyway, I told this guy to leave me alone and get out of my life once and for all. He asked me to stop playing hard to get. Which part of "leave me alone" does he not understand? When I say leave me alone, I really mean it, and not because I am playing hard to get.

Finally I told him I got all the receipts from the times we went out, so I am going to demand every single cent back if he is not going to leave me alone. With that, he quickly went off. Thank goodness, I hope never to hear from him ever again!

Class Status ....

Does class status still exist in modern times? During the olden days, in almost every culture, those who were aristocratic were not allowed to marry beneath them, and those who were born lower-class were asked to stick to their own kind.

But now that society is supposed to be equal, does social status still play a part? I was watching "The Notebook", where the female lead was forced to break up with the male lead simply because her father was a millionaire and the guy was just a labourer.

She loved him, but got engaged to another guy of the same social standing as her. The movie had a happy ending though, as the lovers did get together in the end as her parents finally allowed her to make her own choice and her fiance let her go.

Nowadays, we still hear of the upper-class marrying someone of the same status. Although things are more equal than before, as I have a few friends who come from average backgrounds marrying into very wealthy families, but some of those who are rich still have an air of aristocracy and look down their noses at everyone else.

Take my family for example. I cannot profess that I am that rich in the first place since we are nowhere near millionaire status. But my mum herself has the type of attitude that is almost befitting her high-middle-class status.

According to her, I must be with someone rich and established, with a good family background, good job with well prospects, etc. So she normally finds fault with every guy I bring home, which is probably the reason why the guys I had been with never dared to progress further.

Is money and social status really that important? She keeps telling me to open my eyes wide and not end up with guys who will keep struggling with finances and make me suffer.

Of course if the guy is in debt all the time, I will not be with him as well, but if he is earning a decent living, it should be alright. He does not need to be rich or have a vast amount of inheritance coming to him or running some big family business as long as he is true to me.

My first guy lived in a five-room flat in one of the middle-class housing estates, and his father is a social worker. So she was not that disapproving, especially when he was supposed to be studying to be an Engineer.

My second guy was living in an executive flat in one of the middle-class housing estates, and his father ran his own business, until the economic downturn when the family was forced to downgrade to a four-room flat in a more low-class area. Still, she liked him the most probably because of his law qualifications and the fact that he is working in the airline.

She disliked my third guy the most as he is living in a three-room flat in one of the older estates, and working on a project basis. She thinks he is not stable and has no fixed income. I used to tell her it does not matter who she likes because I am the one who will be getting married and living with the guy, not her.

Now that I am with someone much older (the age she likes), she wants me to find out his monthly income and family background. I cannot be bothered to do that. I have asked about his family background, but that is only because I want to find out more as a girlfriend, not to report back to my mum, so I never really tell her much about him.

So far she has not questioned me further, but honestly, must she always interfere each time I start a new relationship? Ok, perhaps in the past I ended up with guys who broke my heart, but I believe I am in a better position to know whether he is good and true to me. I never have a boyfriend who is willing to do so much for me before!

At least she has not done what those upper-class families used to do in the past - match make me with someone of the same status. For me, I believe in choosing the one I want to be with. After all, it is for the rest of my life, so I will want someone who can make me happy and not living my life catering to others.

Elections Galore!

So the elections are over, and the results are just as expected. The party that is supposed to win always wins. My best friend and parents (not together) went for a Worker's Party rally, and she (my friend) sent me a picture of the crowd rallying.

There are certain things that my best friend told me about in the rally which I found rather good. For instance, it was said that the main government should not keep saying that only by voting for them, we will get all the incentives.

Not voting for them and voting for some other party does not make us any less of a citizen or any less patriotic. Very true! I applaud them for having the guts to say this out!

Since I did not have to vote yesterday, I went for a makeover session. I got a complimentary makeover for some promotion the studio was having, and I made the appointment for yesterday before the election day was announced.

I wanted to cancel the appointment, but then since I did not need to vote after all, I went ahead. It is not the first time I had a makeover, and I still find it rather amazing that the makeup artist can make me up so well in such a short period of time. How I wish I can do the same myself!

I have really aged already. The photos this time look so different. My under-eye bags are more prominent in the photos now, and I look more haggard as compared to my earlier photos. No wonder people say that women in their late twenties are starting to go downhill! The evidence is there, I must really take more care already!

When To Settle Down?

Someone once told me that I must be mad to think of settling down after just being with the guy for two years or so. She said she and her husband were together for nine years before getting married, and even then there are still a lot of tolerance and accommodating as married life is different.

Of course married life is different as you do not get to live with a person until then. Being together with a person and living with each other are two totally different scenarios altogether.

After so long of being independent, suddenly you have to live with someone whose upbringing and habits are so different, there will definitely be lots of conflict. One may never get to know a person really thoroughly unless one is married to each other.

But my friend’s case was different. She knew her husband when they were in their teens, so nine years later, it was the right age to get married. Whereas for me, I knew him during my mid-twenties, so if I were to wait another nine years, I would be getting close to middle age and soon to be left on the shelf.

My friend was worried that we may not last as we got together after less than a year of knowing each other. She said one does not really know each other that well in just that short time.

So she asked me to really take my time to know him well before thinking of the future. Well, circumstances happened that we still did not last anyway, but that was more to do with one party changing in perspectives and the other did not.

But there are people who got together within just a couple of months of knowing each other, and they still married each other and still together. So does time really play a part?

But my friend got me thinking. How long should two persons know each other before they become an official item? And how long should they date before they can think of settling down with each other? How well can couples really get to know each other?

Does it mean the longer both people are together, the better they know each other? Not really true. There are people who have been together for eight years but in the end realize that they do not even know each other as well as they thought they did. Then there are people who are already so sure of each other even within a year.

Does getting married mean able to accept the person thoroughly, loving the good points and tolerating the bad points? I guess so. After all, if you love a person, you should take him / her as a whole person, warts and all.

Someone once told me that being in a relationship means bringing out the best in each other, thus some constructive criticism will be needed at times. I guess if it is for the benefit of the other party and do him / her good in the end, certain criticisms are acceptable and unavoidable. But to downright put down someone you love, that is a bit too much.

But the question is how long and well must you know a person before plunging into the big step? I have friends who have been together like forever but still not thinking of getting married. Yet I have friends who got married within a year of knowing each other. I suppose it is all to do with timing and feeling.

For instance, if people got together around their teens, of course they can take the time to get used to each other and really know each other well before getting married. But when one gets on in years, one does not have the luxury of time, especially since one hopes to start a family and does not want to be already seventy when the kids are still schooling.

I guess also people’s perspectives change through the years. Someone at the age of eighteen is still looking for the ideal partner, and may not necessarily know what he / she really wants. Whereas someone at the age of twenty-eight has already established what he / she wants, so once they find the right person, everything will fall into place.

So I guess it all differs from person to person how long you need to take before you decide to settle down. But from experience, I think one should not date for too long, otherwise the relationship may get stale.

When that happens, everything that attracts you to him / her in the first place may become the very things that drove you apart. So once the feeling is right, and you are sure both are the ones for each other, should just go for it, rather than dragging on with no sign of commitment.

Which got me thinking, is there something wrong with me that people are unwilling to commit? How come I could be with a guy for so many years, and they either refused to propose, or proposed but pulled out in the end?

Am I really so hard to live with or such a difficult person to get along that guys are scared to commit to me? I yearn so much to be a good wife to the guy I love, and a good mother to his children. If only I find a guy I really love and he will give me the chance to do that.