"Men are scum!" as stated by a sobbing friend who just found out about her husband's affair. This shocked everyone who knows the couple, as he is considered the "perfect" husband.
He goes home immediately everyday after work, accompanies the family on weekends and public holidays, never goes drinking or gambling or have guys' nights, brings her on tours every year and helps out with the housework and looking after the kids.
Yet, he is having a lunch-time affair. Coincidentally, or perhaps it was meant to be, my friend's friend happened to see the husband holding hands with another lady coming out of a hotel during lunch hour. So she called my friend and told her.
The thing is, if you know your friend's spouse is having an affair, will you tell your friend? As a friend, sometimes the dilemma is there. To tell, then see the marriage fall apart and your friend becomes so miserable; or not to tell, and your friend will remain happily married, but forever sympathise with him / her who has no idea what is going on.
So my friend is filing for divorce. She wonders exactly what went wrong, since she knows she has been a good wife. She makes breakfast every morning, cooks dinner almost every night, does the housework faithfully, looks after the kids while holding down a full-time job, and agrees to sex each time the husband asks. So why is he unfaithful?
This got me thinking : are men really not trustworthy? One gets disillusioned to see even the so-called perfect guy go sneaking around behind his wife's back. Worse, some guys have a happy marriage, yet go around declaring he is single and finds a girlfriend outside while leading a domesticated life at the same time.
Anyway, when confronted by the wife, the guy admitted everything, and said that his wife is not proactive in bed, whereas the other lady ..... well, you get the picture.
So does it all boil down to the issue of sex again? Men two-time their wives or girlfriends for sex. But then even if men got the sex they want, why will they still go and sleep around with someone else? What is it they are still lacking?
Some men even sleep with someone of the same sex. My best friend told me the other day that she knows a lady who had just given birth, and when she came back from the hospital, her husband disappeared just like that, with only a note stating that he had fallen in love with someone else - a guy.
There are a few things I still cannot figure out. One, why is it that men claim they love their wives wholeheartedly, yet can turn around and do the very things which will hurt their wives the most? Can you even love a person if you hurt her with the things you do?
Two, why is it that men can sleep around with no strings attached? Afterall, I believe sex with someone you love is definitely more enjoyable with just anyone else. So how come men can just sleep with a girl he has no feelings for, and yet expect the girl to accept she is just a fling and nothing else?
Three, if the guy is in a happy marriage, why must he be unfaithful in the first place? Just because the other lady (or guy) throws herself at him? Are men all like that? Just succumb to any temptation along the way?
If the marriage is not happy, and the wife is not good to him, or he feels trapped in a loveless marriage, then the couple starts to separate and live apart, perhaps it is still more forgiveable (but still not acceptable) if he starts to look for a new love.
But why must he do it when he is happy and has no complaints about his marriage? Does the affair make him happier? What if the other woman refuses to let go and starts pestering his family? Then everyone will be miserable. How can the guy even be responsible to his family if he causes them hurt?
Of course it is not just men who are unfaithful. Lately, there are more and more women being unfaithful and having affairs behind their husbands' backs. But generally men have affairs just to boost their egos that he is still attractive to another girl, whereas women have affairs because their husbands are not able to meet their needs.
I am not saying that it is right for women to have affairs. Whether you are the husband or the wife, you should not even be unfaithful to your spouse and letting your marriage vows and family down.
But in most cases, women turn to other men because the other men are able to meet their emotional needs and pamper them and make them feel good, whereas the husbands are always too busy working and neglect them. But still, that is no excuse for them to have affairs too.
I always believe in fidelity. Stick with the person you are with and you have chosen. Whether for just a boy-girl relationship or something deeper like marriage. I am always faithful to the one I am with, and I trust and hope that he is just as faithful to me as I am to him.
He goes home immediately everyday after work, accompanies the family on weekends and public holidays, never goes drinking or gambling or have guys' nights, brings her on tours every year and helps out with the housework and looking after the kids.
Yet, he is having a lunch-time affair. Coincidentally, or perhaps it was meant to be, my friend's friend happened to see the husband holding hands with another lady coming out of a hotel during lunch hour. So she called my friend and told her.
The thing is, if you know your friend's spouse is having an affair, will you tell your friend? As a friend, sometimes the dilemma is there. To tell, then see the marriage fall apart and your friend becomes so miserable; or not to tell, and your friend will remain happily married, but forever sympathise with him / her who has no idea what is going on.
So my friend is filing for divorce. She wonders exactly what went wrong, since she knows she has been a good wife. She makes breakfast every morning, cooks dinner almost every night, does the housework faithfully, looks after the kids while holding down a full-time job, and agrees to sex each time the husband asks. So why is he unfaithful?
This got me thinking : are men really not trustworthy? One gets disillusioned to see even the so-called perfect guy go sneaking around behind his wife's back. Worse, some guys have a happy marriage, yet go around declaring he is single and finds a girlfriend outside while leading a domesticated life at the same time.
Anyway, when confronted by the wife, the guy admitted everything, and said that his wife is not proactive in bed, whereas the other lady ..... well, you get the picture.
So does it all boil down to the issue of sex again? Men two-time their wives or girlfriends for sex. But then even if men got the sex they want, why will they still go and sleep around with someone else? What is it they are still lacking?
Some men even sleep with someone of the same sex. My best friend told me the other day that she knows a lady who had just given birth, and when she came back from the hospital, her husband disappeared just like that, with only a note stating that he had fallen in love with someone else - a guy.
There are a few things I still cannot figure out. One, why is it that men claim they love their wives wholeheartedly, yet can turn around and do the very things which will hurt their wives the most? Can you even love a person if you hurt her with the things you do?
Two, why is it that men can sleep around with no strings attached? Afterall, I believe sex with someone you love is definitely more enjoyable with just anyone else. So how come men can just sleep with a girl he has no feelings for, and yet expect the girl to accept she is just a fling and nothing else?
Three, if the guy is in a happy marriage, why must he be unfaithful in the first place? Just because the other lady (or guy) throws herself at him? Are men all like that? Just succumb to any temptation along the way?
If the marriage is not happy, and the wife is not good to him, or he feels trapped in a loveless marriage, then the couple starts to separate and live apart, perhaps it is still more forgiveable (but still not acceptable) if he starts to look for a new love.
But why must he do it when he is happy and has no complaints about his marriage? Does the affair make him happier? What if the other woman refuses to let go and starts pestering his family? Then everyone will be miserable. How can the guy even be responsible to his family if he causes them hurt?
Of course it is not just men who are unfaithful. Lately, there are more and more women being unfaithful and having affairs behind their husbands' backs. But generally men have affairs just to boost their egos that he is still attractive to another girl, whereas women have affairs because their husbands are not able to meet their needs.
I am not saying that it is right for women to have affairs. Whether you are the husband or the wife, you should not even be unfaithful to your spouse and letting your marriage vows and family down.
But in most cases, women turn to other men because the other men are able to meet their emotional needs and pamper them and make them feel good, whereas the husbands are always too busy working and neglect them. But still, that is no excuse for them to have affairs too.
I always believe in fidelity. Stick with the person you are with and you have chosen. Whether for just a boy-girl relationship or something deeper like marriage. I am always faithful to the one I am with, and I trust and hope that he is just as faithful to me as I am to him.
5 comments:
Relationship is a very complex issue. I think most of the reasons that you highlight may only be the tip of the iceberg. There is always a web of causes which is weaved over time. It would be fair to have the husband's point of view in your friend's place.
I'm sorry to hear abt ur fren's plight. But i nvr do understand what it means to be not so proactive?*sigh*
You keep having a limited view of fidelity. Reading your posts over the past month or two, it seems you equate intercourse as sex. And any intercourse outside of proscribed limits is regarded as infidelity.
However, fidelity is more than just intercourse. It is the entire relationship. I think you would agree that kissing is a sexual experience, even holding hands, sitting across the table from one another and looking deeply in the eyes, or even just sitting on a beach watching a sunset.
All of these are various levels of sex. Anyone of which could easily be construed as infidelity.
I am sure you would not be happy to learn your beloved is sitting on a beach watching the sunset with another woman (let alone gazing into her eyes, holding her hand, kissing, or engaging in intercourse).
So, I think you need to break away from the whole idea that faithfullness is simply about intercourse (or lack of it).
Many people claim monogomay as an ideal - yet few live it. Most engage in what I would call serial polygamy - engaging in one relationship after another, claiming fidelity in each case. Yet, that fidelity ends and they move one - I don't think there is such a thing as a start and end to fidelity. You are either faithful or you are not.
As I mentioned in my earliest posts: for me fidelity was important. I loved my wife with all my heart before I ever knew her and was faithful to her.
Like God, fidelity should be a case of "was, is, and always shall be"
Next, you are too excusing of bad behaviour for men ... and women for that matter, it takes two to tango - indeed, if by your assertion women decide if sex will happen or not, then they are the more culpable, since the man has no choice in his action, but the woman does - consequently, it is the woman who gives the man permission to behave badly.
Demand the behaviour you want - but women seem incapable of doing that. They either cling desperately to unfaithful men (a friend of mine made a horrible spectacle of herself clinging to an unfaithful man - it was disgusting), or they seek their thrills with men in relationships (another friend just wrote me and told of her friend who is carrying on with a man 10 years her junior who is in another relationship).
You reap what you sow.
If a guy is really getting the sex that he wants, I believe that most likely he would not be looking for anything different. He might be getting sex, but not the kind that he really wants. (Example: the wife treating it as an obligation instead of an enjoyable experience.) B.O.C.T.A.O.E
What you believe, is you belief. Using it as a reference when trying to understand how other people behave would impede you because they have different beliefs.
As for telling, I believe I would.
Goy : Maybe so, but honestly, in general, guys do tend to accept any girl who throws herself at him, no matter if he is happily married or not.
Kairinu : Perhaps not being proactive as in the wife does not initiate and just iie down and let the husband does the work?
Richard : This happened to my friend. But of course for me, I cannot bear it if I ever find my guy just mere holdiing hands with another girl, relatives not included, let alone watching sunrise or sunset with another girl or even bedding her. Of course being unfaithful is not just because he had sexual intercourse with someone else, but then according to our local law, to prove infidelity is to prove sexual intercourse with someone else. All other things are not counted as infidelity under law if there is no sexual intercourse involved.
I believe everyone will try to be faithful to the one they are with, but the question is, if you are with someone who physically abuses you, or who does not care about you to two-time, or who stops loving you, is it worth it being faithful and holding on to the person, or moving on and be with someone who truly loves you and treats you well?
Ole Wolvie : YOu would tell? Even to the extent of hurting your friend? But I guess sometimes it's better to let your friend knows the truth rather than being kept in the dark, cos he / she may feel even worse if found out for himself.
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