When To Settle Down?

Someone once told me that I must be mad to think of settling down after just being with the guy for two years or so. She said she and her husband were together for nine years before getting married, and even then there are still a lot of tolerance and accommodating as married life is different.

Of course married life is different as you do not get to live with a person until then. Being together with a person and living with each other are two totally different scenarios altogether.

After so long of being independent, suddenly you have to live with someone whose upbringing and habits are so different, there will definitely be lots of conflict. One may never get to know a person really thoroughly unless one is married to each other.

But my friend’s case was different. She knew her husband when they were in their teens, so nine years later, it was the right age to get married. Whereas for me, I knew him during my mid-twenties, so if I were to wait another nine years, I would be getting close to middle age and soon to be left on the shelf.

My friend was worried that we may not last as we got together after less than a year of knowing each other. She said one does not really know each other that well in just that short time.

So she asked me to really take my time to know him well before thinking of the future. Well, circumstances happened that we still did not last anyway, but that was more to do with one party changing in perspectives and the other did not.

But there are people who got together within just a couple of months of knowing each other, and they still married each other and still together. So does time really play a part?

But my friend got me thinking. How long should two persons know each other before they become an official item? And how long should they date before they can think of settling down with each other? How well can couples really get to know each other?

Does it mean the longer both people are together, the better they know each other? Not really true. There are people who have been together for eight years but in the end realize that they do not even know each other as well as they thought they did. Then there are people who are already so sure of each other even within a year.

Does getting married mean able to accept the person thoroughly, loving the good points and tolerating the bad points? I guess so. After all, if you love a person, you should take him / her as a whole person, warts and all.

Someone once told me that being in a relationship means bringing out the best in each other, thus some constructive criticism will be needed at times. I guess if it is for the benefit of the other party and do him / her good in the end, certain criticisms are acceptable and unavoidable. But to downright put down someone you love, that is a bit too much.

But the question is how long and well must you know a person before plunging into the big step? I have friends who have been together like forever but still not thinking of getting married. Yet I have friends who got married within a year of knowing each other. I suppose it is all to do with timing and feeling.

For instance, if people got together around their teens, of course they can take the time to get used to each other and really know each other well before getting married. But when one gets on in years, one does not have the luxury of time, especially since one hopes to start a family and does not want to be already seventy when the kids are still schooling.

I guess also people’s perspectives change through the years. Someone at the age of eighteen is still looking for the ideal partner, and may not necessarily know what he / she really wants. Whereas someone at the age of twenty-eight has already established what he / she wants, so once they find the right person, everything will fall into place.

So I guess it all differs from person to person how long you need to take before you decide to settle down. But from experience, I think one should not date for too long, otherwise the relationship may get stale.

When that happens, everything that attracts you to him / her in the first place may become the very things that drove you apart. So once the feeling is right, and you are sure both are the ones for each other, should just go for it, rather than dragging on with no sign of commitment.

Which got me thinking, is there something wrong with me that people are unwilling to commit? How come I could be with a guy for so many years, and they either refused to propose, or proposed but pulled out in the end?

Am I really so hard to live with or such a difficult person to get along that guys are scared to commit to me? I yearn so much to be a good wife to the guy I love, and a good mother to his children. If only I find a guy I really love and he will give me the chance to do that.