Is asking for perfection really good? Should one always expect a lot from others? There is nothing wrong with having high expectations, but should the expectations be imposed on others? Will is be fair to them since everyone is different?
I always envy my friends who grow up in average families. At least their parents have normal education, so when the children scored well and entered university, the parents are so proud of them.
But it is so stressful to grow up with parents who both have first-class honours and Masters and high-flying careers. My parents will expect me to be even better than them, so I could not be anything short of being a top scholar or a PhD holder.
So they spend my whole life telling me what a let-down and disappointment I am, and I spend my whole life trying to meet up to their expectations, but to no avail, and feel down and sorry that I have let them down yet again.
But must one seek for perfection in the first place? How perfect is perfect then? There will never be something that is perfect. Once the expectations are met, higher expectations will suffice, then higher, and higher, and so on.
When I scored 80, I had to score 90. When I scored 90, I had to score full marks. When I finally scored full marks, it was still not enough as it was only one subject, so what happened to the other subjects?
It is a vicious cycle, and a never-ending process. Nothing is ever good enough if perfection is what one seeks, because there will never be a distinction on what constitutes as "too perfect".
So I gave up. I stopped catering to what others want and started leading life the way I wanted. I gave up things I wanted to meet other's expectations, so in the end, I gave up the things they wanted so I could live my life the way I like.
And I am happy with my life now. If I had gone along with some of the things my parents wanted of me, perhaps I would not have been happy. I would have been obedient or dutiful, but just existing, not really living.
I believe all parents want the best for their children, but when will they deem their children as ever going to be perfect enough? Must everything be so perfect and good if the child is able to lead a good life and be independent and become a good person?
Alright, I am a disappointment in my parents' eyes. I am not a top scholar, or a PhD holder, and I did not even attend any of the top schools. But I do have a decent education, I try to do my best in what I do, I have a good attitude in learning new things, and I try my best to be good and nice to the people around me.
Is that not enough? Must I really be someone so smart or graduate with top honours from an Ivy League university and be in a high-flying career and go on the cover of TIME magazine as one of the most successful young people below the age of thirty before my parents can finally be satisfied with me?
But in that case, even if I do achieve all these, perhaps it may still not be enough, because there will always be higher and higher expectations, and I will always be expected to be more and more perfect.
But for me, why worry about all these? As long as I am happy that is all that matters. It does not feel good to be constantly put down and reminded on how lousy you are by your own parents, but I have learnt to shut out the things they say so as not to affect me anymore.
I always envy my friends who grow up in average families. At least their parents have normal education, so when the children scored well and entered university, the parents are so proud of them.
But it is so stressful to grow up with parents who both have first-class honours and Masters and high-flying careers. My parents will expect me to be even better than them, so I could not be anything short of being a top scholar or a PhD holder.
So they spend my whole life telling me what a let-down and disappointment I am, and I spend my whole life trying to meet up to their expectations, but to no avail, and feel down and sorry that I have let them down yet again.
But must one seek for perfection in the first place? How perfect is perfect then? There will never be something that is perfect. Once the expectations are met, higher expectations will suffice, then higher, and higher, and so on.
When I scored 80, I had to score 90. When I scored 90, I had to score full marks. When I finally scored full marks, it was still not enough as it was only one subject, so what happened to the other subjects?
It is a vicious cycle, and a never-ending process. Nothing is ever good enough if perfection is what one seeks, because there will never be a distinction on what constitutes as "too perfect".
So I gave up. I stopped catering to what others want and started leading life the way I wanted. I gave up things I wanted to meet other's expectations, so in the end, I gave up the things they wanted so I could live my life the way I like.
And I am happy with my life now. If I had gone along with some of the things my parents wanted of me, perhaps I would not have been happy. I would have been obedient or dutiful, but just existing, not really living.
I believe all parents want the best for their children, but when will they deem their children as ever going to be perfect enough? Must everything be so perfect and good if the child is able to lead a good life and be independent and become a good person?
Alright, I am a disappointment in my parents' eyes. I am not a top scholar, or a PhD holder, and I did not even attend any of the top schools. But I do have a decent education, I try to do my best in what I do, I have a good attitude in learning new things, and I try my best to be good and nice to the people around me.
Is that not enough? Must I really be someone so smart or graduate with top honours from an Ivy League university and be in a high-flying career and go on the cover of TIME magazine as one of the most successful young people below the age of thirty before my parents can finally be satisfied with me?
But in that case, even if I do achieve all these, perhaps it may still not be enough, because there will always be higher and higher expectations, and I will always be expected to be more and more perfect.
But for me, why worry about all these? As long as I am happy that is all that matters. It does not feel good to be constantly put down and reminded on how lousy you are by your own parents, but I have learnt to shut out the things they say so as not to affect me anymore.
7 comments:
So they spend my whole life telling me what a let-down and disappointment I am, and I spend my whole life trying to meet up to their expectations, but to no avail, and feel down and sorry that I have let them down yet again.
That's harsh. But at least, you have learnt--albeit in painful way--not to treat your future children that way.
Asking for perfection is kind of a folly. It does not exist. Sure, there are good and better, but truly perfect? Maybe at a point in time. (Someone might do better than you the very next hour.)
Besides, 'perfection' is only something to be strived for, and not to be reached. Because, if you do get it, what else could you do? Being perfect is the ultimate, no?
Let's face the fact ! We are all different ! And not all scholars are from "Top parents" ! History tells us that Ming's emperor is use to be just a nobody ! Creative's Sim is only a diploma holder ! Bill gate dropout from Harvard Uni, Albert Einstein failed an examination that would have allowed him to pursue a course of study leading to a diploma as an electrical engineer at the Swiss Federal Institute of Technology...etc etc etc ! And bear in mind that life is short ! When one got his basic degree he would be probably early 20s, and in sg, for guys maybe mid 20s than if further study somemore would be ??? 30s ? And pls ! who will hire someone with a big piece of paper but with no practical experience ?? Let's assume that yes ! You got a good job hgh pay... and the big question mark is "so what" ? On top of that pls bear in mind that in this real world the implication of the equation is, High pay various directly porportional to workdone ! I have friends who are high flyers getting high pays holding high position, mutitaskings and some end up in bed ! And conclusion is the end result is you pay a price ! And I can assure you that the price cost a bomb ! Well, my advise to you is be yourself, be happy, do what you like/want ! Life short ! I can assure you that you will never regret if you follow my theory, the day when you lying on the bed, before parting this world, when you think back what have you done so far - ALL HAPPY & SWEET MEMORIES !
Sometimes we have our own goals of perfecting ourselves. However, you have to ask yourself whether is this what you want or what others want. Eventually you are the one who is making the decisions and not the people around you.
Just do the best you can. I was fortunate that my parents encouraged us to be our best, but did not demand it.
Just make sure that the decisions you take are the right ones and not simply a form of rebellion.
There is some truth in achieving the best that you can. The world, for better or worse, regards high achievers better. As well, the world is a pretty hard place. Many people live hard lives, so we need to remember to be grateful for what we have.
Happiness is important, but struggling from paycheck to paycheck is difficult and can wear down a person.
I try to encourage my children to do their best, but I do not demand achievements from them (ok, they are only 4 and 7). My wife is much more demanding, she wants them to have the opportunities she never had (music lessons, gymnastics, day camps, etc). I just want them to try and enjoy things. If they find something they like, then I let them continue.
Of course, Sofia and I are very different. I am much more "casual" and she is much more "structured".
Being first time parent to 1 year old, I keep reminding myself NOT to demand too much from my daughter. But I still have the urge to give all the opportunity for her to learn. It's great if she excel in what we're exposing her to. But if not, that's okay too.
My own parent did it that way too. They enrolled me to various activities, but never push me to do it competitively or demand anything. I'm grateful for that.
But I also witnessed the damage when parent start to compare one child to another (intentionally or not). That's damaging for the one less succesful but it's an encouragement for the one being complimented. So it's kind of difficult. Sometime the child would feel not up to the parent's expectation when the parent actually only wish to give a gentle push/positive feedback to the other child or trying to get the child work harder since they genuinely believe that the child has hidden potential.
Anon_X : Yes, I have realised since young never to treat my own children that way.
Ole Wolvie : Which is why I cannot understand why some people never seem to think anything is good enough and continue striving. Seems so unhealthy to me.
Anon : Totally agree with you!
Goy : That's why I'm living the type of life I want, and not what others want of me.
Richard : Your wife sounds exactly like my mum, who groomed me from young to be well-rounded. It is good, for the kid's benefit, and I am glad my mum enrolled me in all those activities when I was young. But from my experience, the kid will not mind the activities if he finds it fun, but when parents expect him to be invovled in competitions and emerge as the top, that's when things get stressful and he may not like it anymore.
Grace : Yes, I always hated it when my parents used to compare (actually they still do) me with my cousins. WHen I was young, my parents would say why could I not score enough to go to a top school, or take part in national competitions for sports events, etc. NOw when I am all grown up, she will compare that why my cousins can find a good spouse and settle down so early, yet I still cannot. I still hate it, but nowadays I just ignore.
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