I was pondering on this question after my post on Filial Piety and the comments I received. Having not been a parent myself, it is hard for me to really answer this question effectively. Do good parents mean pampering the child and letting the child do whatever he / she likes? Do good parents mean not allowing anyone to discipline the child, teachers and principals included? Similarly, does it mean parents are not good if they discipline their children? And are parents bad if they are too controlling and over-protective?
In the Asian society, discipline means caning and beating. This is frowned upon in the Western society, as they deem hitting a child as abuse. Westerners bring their children up with lots of love and care, but at the same time teach them the good things in life and reason with them when they have done something wrong. Of course there are some parents who totally spoil the children, whether Western or Asian.
Punishment for kids in the Western culture normally means taking away something the kid likes to do so that he / she can learn a lesson. For instance, kids can be grounded, not allowed to use the phone or go out with their friends, or watch television, or eat their favourite type of food, or play their favourite game. Actually I think these are more useful as the kid will make sure he / she does not repeat the mistake so as not to have all these priviledges taken away again.
Asian parents, on the other hand, will not hesitate to put down the kids or hit them. They really go by the adage "Spare the rod and spoil the child". I do not really disapprove of caning, because sometimes that is the only way to let a child learn, but it also depends on the character of the child. Some children can only take the soft approach, and the harder you punish the child, the worse he / she becomes. Some children can only take the hard approach as no amount of talking to or reasoning can make sense to the child. Thus, in this situation, hitting is the best solution to make the child really learn.
But I disapprove of caning over everything. I used to cower in fear whenever I did not score full marks for my weekly spelling and dictation quizzes, or above 90% for my examinations, as my mum would cane me per stroke for each mark lost. So if I scored 80 marks, that would be ten strokes altogether, not counting other subjects. She made me hate studying so much as I got to the stage where I found it meaningless to study and do well as it was all for her to show off. So for a period of time, I really wanted to quit studying after secondary school.
She would also cane me whenever any of my brothers got into any trouble at home. It was like I had to be their full-time guardian angel. One thing about Asian parents is that they would cane to indicate that you have done something wrong, yet would not explain why what you did was wrong, but just because they said so the kid had to accept. Some defensive kids would even think they have not done anything wrong, thus the caning was unjustified.
But so what if the child's results are a little poor? There is always a chance to try again. And honestly, grades are not everything. Would parents prefer their children to grow up only having good grades but not knowing how to do anything in life? Or would they prefer the child to have only average grades yet can grow up to be a good person who makes a difference to others' lives? And when there is a need to punish, please let the child know the reason then he / she can really understand and learn.
Are being good parents mean letting the kid run amok in a public area? Just like earlier on, when K and I were watching "Oliver Twist", there was this kid behind us asking his mother questions everytime the scene changed, and his mother just entertained him. It was really downright irritating as the rest of us would like to watch a movie in peace without someone commentating every second. K got so irritated that he actually turned around and asked the mother to just bring the kid out and I had to hush him out as I did not wish for any trouble.
He was complaining why would someone bring a young kid to watch such a show since kids that young (probably before primary school) would not be able to appreciate it. Perhaps the mother wanted to infuse some literary culture into her kid from young? Anyway I do not see anything wrong with bringing kids to movies, provided the parents can discipline and control the kids and not let them disturb the other patrons.
Teenagers are worse when it comes to watching movies, especially a group of teenage girls. They will scream and shriek at everything, and keep making comments all throughout the show. Even teenage guys make all kinds of stupid comments. There was once my third ex got so irritated that he actually turned around and told those kids that if they did not like the show, feel free to go and not disturb the rest who really wanted to watch a movie in peace. Sometimes one wonders what their parents have been teaching them. To just think for themselves and be totally inconsiderate of others?
I always thought that to be a good parent, one should be strict yet warm, kind and caring yet a disciplinarian. But it is really hard to bring up a kid. If one is too nice, the kid may respect you, but he / she may turn out all the worse. Yet if one is too controlling, the kid may lose respect for you and grow up hating you. I definitely will not bring up my children the way my mum brought me up. I would not want them to be so distant from me, the way I am with my mum, although things are getting a little better.
So what really makes a good parent? It is really so hard to answer. I believe even those who are parents themselves may not be able to answer as well.
In the Asian society, discipline means caning and beating. This is frowned upon in the Western society, as they deem hitting a child as abuse. Westerners bring their children up with lots of love and care, but at the same time teach them the good things in life and reason with them when they have done something wrong. Of course there are some parents who totally spoil the children, whether Western or Asian.
Punishment for kids in the Western culture normally means taking away something the kid likes to do so that he / she can learn a lesson. For instance, kids can be grounded, not allowed to use the phone or go out with their friends, or watch television, or eat their favourite type of food, or play their favourite game. Actually I think these are more useful as the kid will make sure he / she does not repeat the mistake so as not to have all these priviledges taken away again.
Asian parents, on the other hand, will not hesitate to put down the kids or hit them. They really go by the adage "Spare the rod and spoil the child". I do not really disapprove of caning, because sometimes that is the only way to let a child learn, but it also depends on the character of the child. Some children can only take the soft approach, and the harder you punish the child, the worse he / she becomes. Some children can only take the hard approach as no amount of talking to or reasoning can make sense to the child. Thus, in this situation, hitting is the best solution to make the child really learn.
But I disapprove of caning over everything. I used to cower in fear whenever I did not score full marks for my weekly spelling and dictation quizzes, or above 90% for my examinations, as my mum would cane me per stroke for each mark lost. So if I scored 80 marks, that would be ten strokes altogether, not counting other subjects. She made me hate studying so much as I got to the stage where I found it meaningless to study and do well as it was all for her to show off. So for a period of time, I really wanted to quit studying after secondary school.
She would also cane me whenever any of my brothers got into any trouble at home. It was like I had to be their full-time guardian angel. One thing about Asian parents is that they would cane to indicate that you have done something wrong, yet would not explain why what you did was wrong, but just because they said so the kid had to accept. Some defensive kids would even think they have not done anything wrong, thus the caning was unjustified.
But so what if the child's results are a little poor? There is always a chance to try again. And honestly, grades are not everything. Would parents prefer their children to grow up only having good grades but not knowing how to do anything in life? Or would they prefer the child to have only average grades yet can grow up to be a good person who makes a difference to others' lives? And when there is a need to punish, please let the child know the reason then he / she can really understand and learn.
Are being good parents mean letting the kid run amok in a public area? Just like earlier on, when K and I were watching "Oliver Twist", there was this kid behind us asking his mother questions everytime the scene changed, and his mother just entertained him. It was really downright irritating as the rest of us would like to watch a movie in peace without someone commentating every second. K got so irritated that he actually turned around and asked the mother to just bring the kid out and I had to hush him out as I did not wish for any trouble.
He was complaining why would someone bring a young kid to watch such a show since kids that young (probably before primary school) would not be able to appreciate it. Perhaps the mother wanted to infuse some literary culture into her kid from young? Anyway I do not see anything wrong with bringing kids to movies, provided the parents can discipline and control the kids and not let them disturb the other patrons.
Teenagers are worse when it comes to watching movies, especially a group of teenage girls. They will scream and shriek at everything, and keep making comments all throughout the show. Even teenage guys make all kinds of stupid comments. There was once my third ex got so irritated that he actually turned around and told those kids that if they did not like the show, feel free to go and not disturb the rest who really wanted to watch a movie in peace. Sometimes one wonders what their parents have been teaching them. To just think for themselves and be totally inconsiderate of others?
I always thought that to be a good parent, one should be strict yet warm, kind and caring yet a disciplinarian. But it is really hard to bring up a kid. If one is too nice, the kid may respect you, but he / she may turn out all the worse. Yet if one is too controlling, the kid may lose respect for you and grow up hating you. I definitely will not bring up my children the way my mum brought me up. I would not want them to be so distant from me, the way I am with my mum, although things are getting a little better.
So what really makes a good parent? It is really so hard to answer. I believe even those who are parents themselves may not be able to answer as well.
6 comments:
I personally believe that no perfect way of parenting exists in nature. It is only an utopia.Each way of parenting has its own pros and cons. We cannot possbily expect our children to become perfect human beings but rather learn what we emphasized such as moral values and mannerisms etc
Good parents are the ones that are responsible after their own children instead of expecting 'external forces' (such as the school in Singapore's case) to rear their kids for them.
At least that's one of the basic criteria that I think should be fulfilled.
Anon : Yes, that's true. More important is to ensure the kids are passed on the right values and mannerisms.
Ole Wolvie : YES!!!! I totally agree!
Truthfully i don't know what constitute a good parent. There is a very fine line between over protective and reckless abandon. I guess i need to wait until my baby grows up into a mature woman before i validated myself.
All i know is to show her love, support her in anyway i could and let her know we'd be there when she falls. Is that being a good parent? i simple don't know! :-)
Gus : That is being a swell parent!
I grew up in "Western culture" and was spanked or paddled by both parents nad teachers.
Just exactly what do you mean by Asian culture? Other than fantasies, there seems to be little more spanking going on here in Japan than anywhere else. Most Japanese I have spoken to were never spanked. So what is "Asia?" Is it all the same to you?
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