In Search Of The Right One

I was talking to a friend earlier on who needed a listening ear and some advice on what to do. She was about to get married but now seemed to have cold feet. She said it is scary thinking of spending the rest of her life with someone else, and now she is not even sure if he is the right guy for her. After seven years together and now she feels this way.

What is funny is that considering my history, I wonder why people like to come to me for relationship problems. If I really can solve it, I will not be in this state in the first place already. I will always try my best to help out a friend, but on the other hand, if I do put all in practice, then why do my relationships keep failing?

My friend said her boyfriend is very nice to her, always concerned about how she feels, does everything for her, so there is no justifiable reason why she wants to call off her wedding. But the problem is that they are okay, as in just okay, nothing exciting or out of the ordinary. It is as if the spark has gone. On the other hand, she is rather impressed with another guy whom she just met, but that guy is a total self-centred prick who only cares about himself.

Uh oh, dangerous situation here! I asked her to list the reasons why they got together in the first place. So she said that he is loving, caring, understanding, supportive, and generally willing to do things for her. But because of that she found him a bit too submissive and boring. My friend said she wanted someone who can challenge her and debate on issues and things. Why does that sound familar? It was what my best friend told me when she wanted to dump that sweet guy!

So I asked her why is she not satisfied? There are so many girls out there dying to have guys like that and she wants to give it all up. I recounted to her my best friend's experiences and my own experiences. In the end, I said it is better to be with someone who is willing to do more for you than for you to do more for the person.

Girls normally put their all into a relationship, and do so much for the guy, but from what I have learnt, guys who expect the girls to do more for them are those that are still not that serious about having a partner and settling down. On the contrary, guys who are willing to do so much more for a girl are those that are really into the girl and really want to be with her. I told her it is better to be stuck to a guy whom she deems as too "well-behaved" or "boring" yet can give her lifelong happiness, rather than a guy whom she thinks is very "exciting" but will not care about her.

Then she asked me in that case why do I not accept that guy who was trying to come after me? So I said that that guy is a prick, as firstly, he does not even have the basic courtesy to respect a lady. When a lady says to leave her alone, he jolly well leaves her alone. And that does not give him the right to tell his friends that he is attached to her. Secondly, he does not tell a girl what to do in order to make her cater according to his schedule. If he is a good enough guy who really cares for me, I will not have hesitated accepting him already.

But my friend brought up a very good point. How do you know the person is right for you? There is simply no right answer to that. Sometimes someone whom you think may be right for you may turn out otherwise. But I think the fundamental question will be can you foresee happiness with the person? Can the person make you happy for life? Can you foresee making each other's lives very special?

I used to think that once I find a boyfriend, he would be for life. It took so long for me to realise that a mere boyfriend does not necessarily equate to a husband. A good boyfriend also does not make a good husband. Sometimes in a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship, there may be fun, romance, and things to do together, but once in a marriage, it is more than just romance. It is responsibility, commitment, compromising, and sometimes you may not be able to always do things together. It is quite true what people said - guys generally mature later than girls, so a girl of 30 may want to settle down and looking around for husband material, but a guy of 30 may still want to have fun and not willing to commit that big step, and his girlfriends may still come and go with no strings attached.

At least after all my breakups, I have narrowed down my criterias and know what type of guy I like now. So I will still keep a positive look around to find someone really willing to commit to me and do so much more for me so I will not need to suffer under unworthy guys or cry over another guy again.