I seem to be facing lots of parental and upbringing issues these few days. Just when I raved about my parents still thinking I do not know how to run my life, and how my tutoring assignment got terminated simply because the parents blamed me for their child not reading, today I read news about a "
tiger mother" in America, about an Asian parent's way of bringing up her children.
The article and the book (incidentally I have not come across a copy in our local bookstores) shocked many people. Many parents will protest on how can she treat her children this way, on how can she bring down her own children?
But to me, I am not surprised. I am brought up in a conservative Asian family too. My mum also ruled the family with an iron fist. It is to be her way or the highway. Since young, I, too, had to be the best. If I got even nine out of ten on a spelling quiz, she would cane me. Nine out of ten equates to ninety out of hundred, so I got ten strokes of the cane - for the ten points which I supposedly lost.
Whenever she gave me a spelling quiz, the words had to be perfect. If I so much as misspelt one word, she would scream into my ear, calling me stupid, idiot, a loser. If she gave me Mathematics problems (my worst subject), and I did not know how to do, again she would call me stupid, idiot, a loser, and a whole lot of other names.
I was not allowed to do anything else except study and the series of enrichment courses she sent me to. She would schedule my time for me - how long to set aside for study, how long to set aside for music practice. The way she scheduled my time everyday left me no time to even watch any television, read a book or just generally take a break.
Even during school vacations were the same. I had to complete assessment books which she would check when she returned home from work. I could not go out with my friends. Where my friends had CDs and went for movies, I was kept at home with no radio, no Walkman and no tapes even. I could not go for any parties or even go with my friends shopping after school.
I had to go straight home, as when two o'clock came along, she would call my house and ensured I was home. If I was so much as late as one minute, she would interrogate me on my whereabouts, even though sometimes it was because my lessons were let off late. She even made me stop extra-curricular activities just because my results dipped a little.
I absolutely hated this life. I was so envious of my friends who could go for tea dances, parties, hanging out, go for movies, got in touch with the latest songs, watched the latest drama serials, everything a typical teenager during my time did. I was so cut off from the rest of the world! I could not even watch television even for one hour a week, my mum removed the television wire so no one could watch, and she never failed to remind me that because of this, everyone else suffered as they too were cut off from everything.
It did not help that whatever I did was never enough. No matter how well I did in school, how good my music playing was, my mum was never satisfied. It was as if getting praised and an encouragement would suddenly make me turn bad.
What got me really angry was she tore away my favourite book. I was studying for a test for the whole day. I complied with everything my mum had said. I did whatever she wanted - no going out with friends, no watching television, no listening to music, no reading. But that day, I was already studying for the whole day. It was around four in the afternoon when I felt so tired and wanted to take a break. So I took up a book to read for a while.
My mum happened to check on me then, saw me reading, and without even listening to my explanation, yanked the book out of my hands and tore it into pieces, cover to cover. She then shouted and screamed at me, saying if she did not check on me, I would not have been studying, and would have been wasting my time doing other things. And then she kept saying I was useless, etc, etc.
There was another incident when I was a little older, already almost twenty. That was when I started going to church. I was quite involved in the youth group then, and there was once I was asked to usher because a guest preacher was in the church. The event ended late. I was asked to be more well-dressed because it was quite a formal event, and one of the parishioners drove me back after that. He was driving his whole family back too and was going my way. He happened to drive a Mercedes Benz.
My parents saw the Mercedes dropping me off at night and saw me coming into the house with a nice dress and some makeup, and threw a fit. My mum accused me of going to be a social escort, otherwise why would I come home in a Mercedes and be all dressed up? I was so angry and at the same time felt that was the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard!
Another time was when I have ended my first relationship. It was not my choice to end, but he was two-timing me and called it off. It was a year later when I entered into my next relationship. My mum said something nasty about me being a bus stop, just waiting there for bus after bus to come to me, indicating I was a loose girl who changed boyfriend after boyfriend.
So when I read that "tiger mum" article, I could totally relate to that! Because of this, I battled with my own self-esteem for a very long time. It took me a long time to realise that it is not because my mum does not love me, but it is just that the Asians' way of upbringing is to be strict and not let the children do what they like. But Asians also feel that giving out praise and encouragement will only make the children complacent and not do as well, hence by scolding and putting down will only spur them on to do better.
Hence in order to let the children be the best, they only believe in scolding, criticising, controlling and will never ever show their love, affection, praise and encouragement. Because this is how my parents have been brought up, and they survived. They did very well. But they did not realise not everyone took kindly to this kind of treatment. They did not realise the adverse effects it could have on a child.
I did not turn out that bad, but I believe if my parents had been more encouraging, understanding and affectionate, I could have done much better. If took me a long time and many issues later to finally get close to my parents and understand them from their point of view. My only regret that it took many regrettable incidents to come to that stage. I only wish we could have come to that stage much earlier then perhaps a lot of things would not have happened.
