There is an old adage : If you love someone, let him go. I have been trying to abide by it, but I must confess : I am an emotional person - too emotional for my own liking at times. So emotional that whenever I get involved in a relationship, I give my 200%. As a result, perhaps I expected the same amount back and would get frustrated when I could not get back the same amount of effort I was putting in.
I am not the type who falls in love easily. But once I fall for a person, I will put in my best efforts in the relationship. Whenever I fall for someone, I would turn a deaf ear to what others said and be blinded to his faults. In my eyes he was always perfect, always right. Now that I am older (and wiser I hope), I realise that is the greatest mistake anyone could ever make. Yet disappointingly, at this age where I am supposed to be more mature and in control of my emotions, I realise I still cannot bear to let go.
When I started out with my 1st guy, I was only seventeen. Having studied in a convent all my life, post-secondary was the first time I got to have guys in my class. As a result, I did not know how to mix around with guys normally at that point in time. Thus I guess I was naive over matters of the heart. I thought love was to be all encompassing, something like how Shakespeare portrayed his female characters. Ah, the idiosyncrasies of youth. It was only when I actually got involved that I realised it was not a bed of roses. I was attracted as he could write such love poems and composed nice lyrics. However, he only wanted a girl who could help him with his work. His ideal girlfriend had to be someone gorgeous and able to "show off" to his peers. My friends did warn me but I chose not to listen. I remembered the unkind words he used to say to me about not being pretty enough so I had to be grateful that a guy could even agree to be with me in the first place. To think of all the times I helped him with his essays and as a result, I hardly had time to do my own tutorials. I went to his place everyday after school and every weekend. Besides school work, I had to clean his room, wash the dishes for his family and make a hot drink for him everytime he asked. My parents do not even ask me to do all these things at home! I was unhappy but I thought if that was what it took to make him love me more, I would not mind. I neglected my school work, my school activites and my friends because of him. I even fell out with my parents as he said my mum was wrong to always work and not spend time with me, not like his mum who was a housewife thus could care for the children.
When he dumped me for a pretty girl, I was so heart-broken I contemplated suicide. I tried cutting my wrists with a butter knife. In the end, my mum gave me a heart-to-heart talk and I snapped out of it. But the damage was done. I had been neglecting my work so I did not do well for my mid-year and preliminary examinations. I managed to pass my finals by the skin of my teeth. As for him, he scored straight As with 3 'S' paper distinctions and last I heard, he was doing Engineering in the US on scholarship. Although the relationship lasted for only 7 months, I took about 4 years before I was completely over him.
My second relationship happened when I was a little older, during tertiary years. He was 1 year my senior at Law School. He was actually my orientation group leader. I was attracted to his intelligent wit and his gentlemanly ways. I always profess (even now) that I like a guy who is chivalrous, gentlemanly, witty and intelligent. Our relationship lasted for a very long time, 6 years in fact. On the surface, he seemed to be the perfect guy - pleasant-looking, tall, okay body, top student, helpful, kind, romantic and generous. I used to think I was the luckiest girl alive. He really knew how to treat a girl well. He supported whatever I did, unlike the previous guy who only wanted me to do what he liked.
Unfortunately, things were not what it seemed on the surface. He had a violent streak and would lose his temper easily. He did not want to be a lawyer but an air-steward. Although I supported him in what he wanted, I did tell him to be more cautious as the airline industry was not as glamourous as it seemed. I know as I have a few friends who are SIA girls. He thought I was discouraging him, flew into a rage and threw the phone I gave him at me. It happened at my house so when my dog appeared, he scolded and kicked my dog. That was when I smartened up to his ugly side. I could never tolerate cruelty to animals, especially my beloved pet. Still, we were together until he dumped me for an air-stewardess.
Thinking back, I thought perhaps if I have let go of my previous 2 relationships earlier, I might not have suffered so much. But I always thought if you love a person, you would accept everything of him / her, as stated in my favourite bible verse 1 Corinthians 13 - the chapter about Love. I have always listened to sermons where the message was that God wanted us to be magnanimous and generous. Although one of my fellow Catholics did mention once that God did not mean for us to be a fool and take suffering upon ourselves. Besides, even when the relationships ended, it was always so hard for me to let go. I really should learn to take things more easily, then perhaps I would be a happier and more carefree person.
I am not the type who falls in love easily. But once I fall for a person, I will put in my best efforts in the relationship. Whenever I fall for someone, I would turn a deaf ear to what others said and be blinded to his faults. In my eyes he was always perfect, always right. Now that I am older (and wiser I hope), I realise that is the greatest mistake anyone could ever make. Yet disappointingly, at this age where I am supposed to be more mature and in control of my emotions, I realise I still cannot bear to let go.
When I started out with my 1st guy, I was only seventeen. Having studied in a convent all my life, post-secondary was the first time I got to have guys in my class. As a result, I did not know how to mix around with guys normally at that point in time. Thus I guess I was naive over matters of the heart. I thought love was to be all encompassing, something like how Shakespeare portrayed his female characters. Ah, the idiosyncrasies of youth. It was only when I actually got involved that I realised it was not a bed of roses. I was attracted as he could write such love poems and composed nice lyrics. However, he only wanted a girl who could help him with his work. His ideal girlfriend had to be someone gorgeous and able to "show off" to his peers. My friends did warn me but I chose not to listen. I remembered the unkind words he used to say to me about not being pretty enough so I had to be grateful that a guy could even agree to be with me in the first place. To think of all the times I helped him with his essays and as a result, I hardly had time to do my own tutorials. I went to his place everyday after school and every weekend. Besides school work, I had to clean his room, wash the dishes for his family and make a hot drink for him everytime he asked. My parents do not even ask me to do all these things at home! I was unhappy but I thought if that was what it took to make him love me more, I would not mind. I neglected my school work, my school activites and my friends because of him. I even fell out with my parents as he said my mum was wrong to always work and not spend time with me, not like his mum who was a housewife thus could care for the children.
When he dumped me for a pretty girl, I was so heart-broken I contemplated suicide. I tried cutting my wrists with a butter knife. In the end, my mum gave me a heart-to-heart talk and I snapped out of it. But the damage was done. I had been neglecting my work so I did not do well for my mid-year and preliminary examinations. I managed to pass my finals by the skin of my teeth. As for him, he scored straight As with 3 'S' paper distinctions and last I heard, he was doing Engineering in the US on scholarship. Although the relationship lasted for only 7 months, I took about 4 years before I was completely over him.
My second relationship happened when I was a little older, during tertiary years. He was 1 year my senior at Law School. He was actually my orientation group leader. I was attracted to his intelligent wit and his gentlemanly ways. I always profess (even now) that I like a guy who is chivalrous, gentlemanly, witty and intelligent. Our relationship lasted for a very long time, 6 years in fact. On the surface, he seemed to be the perfect guy - pleasant-looking, tall, okay body, top student, helpful, kind, romantic and generous. I used to think I was the luckiest girl alive. He really knew how to treat a girl well. He supported whatever I did, unlike the previous guy who only wanted me to do what he liked.
Unfortunately, things were not what it seemed on the surface. He had a violent streak and would lose his temper easily. He did not want to be a lawyer but an air-steward. Although I supported him in what he wanted, I did tell him to be more cautious as the airline industry was not as glamourous as it seemed. I know as I have a few friends who are SIA girls. He thought I was discouraging him, flew into a rage and threw the phone I gave him at me. It happened at my house so when my dog appeared, he scolded and kicked my dog. That was when I smartened up to his ugly side. I could never tolerate cruelty to animals, especially my beloved pet. Still, we were together until he dumped me for an air-stewardess.
Thinking back, I thought perhaps if I have let go of my previous 2 relationships earlier, I might not have suffered so much. But I always thought if you love a person, you would accept everything of him / her, as stated in my favourite bible verse 1 Corinthians 13 - the chapter about Love. I have always listened to sermons where the message was that God wanted us to be magnanimous and generous. Although one of my fellow Catholics did mention once that God did not mean for us to be a fool and take suffering upon ourselves. Besides, even when the relationships ended, it was always so hard for me to let go. I really should learn to take things more easily, then perhaps I would be a happier and more carefree person.
1 comments:
A sampler blog? Wow! Go ahead! I'm really flattered!
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