Love In Different Stages

My friend stayed over at my place last night. He needed help with some matters so he came over and sought my help. And since we both needed to be up early today, he just spent the night at my place. My brother very kindly slept in my parents’ room so my friend could sleep in his room. But in the end we ended up talking until so late into the night that we just dozed off in my room.

We were having a very intense discussion on the many stages of love. He brought up that when he was a teenager, there were many girls he liked at the same time. He thought that was love, but it turned out that it was not true love. To which I remarked that it was of course not true love, as if you love someone truly, there will only be that one person in your mind and heart, no others. Both of us agreed that love at that age was all fluttery and innocent and pure. When teenagers fall in love at that age, ie sixteen or even younger, both parties thought everything was supposed to be all blissful and heavenly. Thus, not many people could actually be with the first person they started a relationship with.

Take my first relationship for instance. After all the romance novels and soap operas I grew up with, I thought love was all encompassing and a bed of roses. How wrong I was! I thought he would be the suave Prince Charming of fairy tales, and he had his own expectations of what he wanted his girlfriend to be. Looking back, I could have been wiser and stopped myself from the misery since he was one person who had no idea what exactly he wanted at that point in time.

After the innocent puppy love of youth, the second stage is probably the love among young adults, ie people in their late teens / early twenties. At this point in time, most people are still not that serious and like to “fish” around for more options. Most likely they will have fun and make as many friends as they like before narrowing down their options. This is the stage where people can choose whether to enter a serious relationship and be with the person ever after, or still “play around” a little more. Chances are those who enter a serious relationship at this stage may be more aware of what they are doing, as compared to their teenage years, so the relationship is probably longer-lasting. Of course there are exceptions to the rule.

The third stage is the more mature love of adulthood. This normally occurs when one is in the late twenties to early thirties (played enough and seriously looking for someone to be with), or when one has already been divorced once and learnt a big lesson. Normally these people already know what they want, so they will only look for others who fulfill their criterias. And these are the type of people who will be very willing to give all in a relationship, as they genuinely want the partner to be happy. Those who got “chosen” by people like these are the luckiest in the world, as they will really be very well-treated and can enjoy a whole lifetime of bliss and happiness.

The next stage will be the old love of commitment. I heard from a lot of my married friends that after marriage, the passion and sweet-talks are only but the first couple of years. Hot passion will go, especially if you are married for more than a decade. What is left is just commitment and effort to make the marriage work. But I feel that if there is no true strong love in the first place, there will not even be the willingness to commit already. I believe it is possible to find someone you love and someone who loves you for life.

I always find it an irony that in ancient days of arranged marriages where the couple could not even see each other before marriage, these are the marriages that could stay for life, like my grandparents. Even after both my grandfathers died, my grandmothers never remarried no matter how young they still were. Yet in modern society of so-called “free” love, there are more and more cases of break-ups and divorces. I wonder whether higher education, advanced technology and modern times cause a complete lack of morals or values or traditions in some people?

For me, I believe I am past the first two stages, so most likely I am now reaching the third stage. My friend? He is probably still at the second stage as he is still not ready to commit to a relationship. At least not for this year or so. And I believe a certain someone is also still at the second stage, since he does not seem likely to commit as well. Thus I believe I have learnt my lesson. It is best to look for guys who are already at the third stage, and not still stuck at the second stage. Then perhaps I can finally find someone just as committed and willing to work things out, instead of avoiding and running away when problems occur.