Self-Reproach .....

Have you ever done something totally out of character before? Something no one will ever expect from you? In less than twelve hours, I have done a few things which I will never do and now I do not feel good about what I have done, but what had happened had already happened. Looking back, there should have been more control on my part. All I feel now is guilt and remorse.

I lost my temper today at a jerk. As in really, really lost my temper and lashed out at that blubbering pest who just refuses to leave me alone. He sent me a message yesterday asking if I would be going down to the hospital and if he could give me a ride. Then he asked if I could just take time off during the week to meet him instead of going to the hospital all the time. Obviously I did not bother replying since my grandma was already discharged. Besides, anyone who could even request such a thing is defintiely not worth my time! He started bombing me with messages today asking when I would be free to meet him, and kept calling me every hour. I had been so busy lately rushing so many urgent matters at work that I was really not in the mood to entertain him. I ignored all his messages and calls.

Just now I received a call from our mutual friend asking if we are having any problems. I said he had been bugging me non-stoop and asked how in the world did she get to know such a pesky fellow? You know what she said?! She said she thought he and I are a couple, so was about to ask me when we started out. WHAT THE .....!!! Apparently he asked her to call me to ask why I am suddenly treating him like this. @#$%*&@!!!! I think I am very nice already; others would have blasted him long ago. I called him immediately after that and screamed at him to f*** off once and for all and leave me alone, and do not f***ing message or call me ever again. I am not interested and never will be. I hope that finally got through to that pest.

My brother was so surprised at me. He kept asking if he actually heard me say the F-word and remarked that the poor chap must have really done something terrible as I will never swear or cuss even if the whole world goes against me. When I told him the full story, he said that idiot probably deserved it.

Another thing I did today was to tell a lie. I lied to my second ex that I have pawned the ring he gave me. I did not know what triggered that off but I really feel terrible about it. I could have just told him I want to keep it so I will never hand it back to him no matter what circumstances. The devil must have come into me at that point in time.

I have totally lost control of myself and I feel really bad and guilty. But then I am human after all so I cannot be perfect, especially since my nerves have been on the edge all week long. Still, it is inexcusable what I have done. I must remind myself not to lose control so easily again. Now the question is, shall I apologise? No doubt it is my fault to have lost control, but was it justifiable in the first place? As it is, it will be so hard for me to apologise especially since I rather not have anything to do with these people.