Another achievement! My 200th entry! Pretty fast actually, considering that just slightly more than a month ago, I posted my 100th entry. It is all thanks to all my friends and readers out there who support and read my blog regularly. I shall not mention any names here, but I am sure you know who you all are. Here is my heartfelt appreciation for all your support and comments. Now I just wonder whether I have enough inspiration and material to continue to a millenium post?
What had happened within the month from then to now? I have changed jobs (two jobs in fact, if you count the one I was temping for), gave up someone I really had deep feelings for, watched two movies, invested some funds, met and rejected a few weirdos, got accepted into the Singapore Dance Theatre for ballet lessons, caught up with a few friends and attended a wedding of a close friend. Quite fulfilling actually. Much better than bumming at home and doing nothing the whole day.
Since this is another milestone post, I have decided to post the history of my "violence", particularly violence in a relationship. Anyway I did mention in my previous post that I will go into detail regarding this topic for this post. It is a little weird to link these two posts together, but when I look back, I realise the "violence" actually made me stronger. It is after you go through things in life that you emerge a better person.
I have never condoned violence in a relationship. I really despise those guys (or girls) who beat up their wives / girlfriends (or husbands / boyfriends). In my opinion, people who become violent to others, especially to those they love, are either immature cowards who cannot control their temper, or they have a serious psychological problem which require immediate professional help. Yet, when I was really in love, I allowed things to happen to me - things which I have never allowed in a relationship in the first place. I allowed the guys to scream at me and hit me without battling an eyelid.
My first boyfriend used to scream at me for every little thing. There was simply no pleasing him at all. Things got to such a stage that I became very distressed because I got so stressed up being his girlfriend. Besides that, I was also stressed over school work, school activities, family problems and my all-time low grades. As a result, I fell ill with gastric flu. There were symptoms of vomitting and giddiness.
So he got this ridiculous idea that I was pregnant and must be the next Virgin Mary since I could conceive without ever having any form of sexual relations. I was so shell-shocked over what he said. I tried to convince him that I was definitely NOT pregnant, but he, being the pig-headed chauvinistic person who always thought he was right, made me go for a medical checkup. I was so embarrassed in the clinic. When the results turned out negative, he said it must be too early to tell, so made me go to a pharmacy and buy a pregnancy test kit. I wanted to just dig a hole and bury myself in it when the shop keeper looked at us in a "tsk tsk" kind of way. Again the results turned out negative.
He then got this crazy idea that I must have rigged the kit. He said in any case I must get rid of the "child". I told him that I was definitely NOT pregnant in any way, and even if we did do something that caused me to be pregnant, I would never ever kill off my own child. That was when he punched my stomach, in the hope of causing a "miscarriage". I was in such pain the whole day after that. It was only when a female's normal cycle came a few days later that he was finally convinced. He dumped me for a pretty girl after that.
When I started my second relationship, I told myself I would never find someone who would ill-treat me. So he treated me better, but he was prone to tantrums whenever things did not go his way. Whenever he threw a tantrum, I was the only one who could handle him, as I would always be submissive and go pacify him and gave in to whatever he wanted. He could be really violent whenever he threw a tantrum. There were times when he slapped me, threw the mobile phone at me, kicked my dog and ignored me for days. I only threw a tantrum at him once - when he went to his female colleague's flat in the middle of the night when she was alone at home, bringing her food, and asking me not to call him as he would be busy.
Of course I flared up. He never even brought food to my place, whether daytime or nighttime. Which guy would do that to his girlfriend / fiancee?! I really exploded that time, only to be countered with more explosions from him and we ended up not talking to each other for days. Finally I could not take it as I missed him so much, so I apologised first, promising to trust him more. In the end, he still dumped me for an air-stewardess, who threw even more tantrums than him, but he still wanted to be with her as she is tall, pretty and elegant. So guys still do go for pretty faces after all, no matter how much a girl had done for them.
When I started on my third relationship, I was so happy that I finally found a guy who would not scream at me or hit me. Unfortunately, there were other types of problems, some too major to resolve or compromise. We were both upset that things did not work out. It is not like I did not love him. But loving someone does not mean you can spend a lifetime with the person, as it is going to be the rest of your life. Thus for now we can only be close friends. If you are to spend the rest of your life with someone, the person must be really right for you in the first place. If there were already problems before marriage, chances are there will be even more problems after marriage.
I have lots of bad luck when it comes to relationships. But I do not regret as I always feel whatever experiences I had, they are all learning paths for me. Now that I have a few failed relationships, I can finally know the type of person I want and narrow down the options when it comes to finding and meeting the right person. And after what my best friend told me today, I want someone who can love me more than I love him, so I may never suffer again.
What had happened within the month from then to now? I have changed jobs (two jobs in fact, if you count the one I was temping for), gave up someone I really had deep feelings for, watched two movies, invested some funds, met and rejected a few weirdos, got accepted into the Singapore Dance Theatre for ballet lessons, caught up with a few friends and attended a wedding of a close friend. Quite fulfilling actually. Much better than bumming at home and doing nothing the whole day.
Since this is another milestone post, I have decided to post the history of my "violence", particularly violence in a relationship. Anyway I did mention in my previous post that I will go into detail regarding this topic for this post. It is a little weird to link these two posts together, but when I look back, I realise the "violence" actually made me stronger. It is after you go through things in life that you emerge a better person.
I have never condoned violence in a relationship. I really despise those guys (or girls) who beat up their wives / girlfriends (or husbands / boyfriends). In my opinion, people who become violent to others, especially to those they love, are either immature cowards who cannot control their temper, or they have a serious psychological problem which require immediate professional help. Yet, when I was really in love, I allowed things to happen to me - things which I have never allowed in a relationship in the first place. I allowed the guys to scream at me and hit me without battling an eyelid.
My first boyfriend used to scream at me for every little thing. There was simply no pleasing him at all. Things got to such a stage that I became very distressed because I got so stressed up being his girlfriend. Besides that, I was also stressed over school work, school activities, family problems and my all-time low grades. As a result, I fell ill with gastric flu. There were symptoms of vomitting and giddiness.
So he got this ridiculous idea that I was pregnant and must be the next Virgin Mary since I could conceive without ever having any form of sexual relations. I was so shell-shocked over what he said. I tried to convince him that I was definitely NOT pregnant, but he, being the pig-headed chauvinistic person who always thought he was right, made me go for a medical checkup. I was so embarrassed in the clinic. When the results turned out negative, he said it must be too early to tell, so made me go to a pharmacy and buy a pregnancy test kit. I wanted to just dig a hole and bury myself in it when the shop keeper looked at us in a "tsk tsk" kind of way. Again the results turned out negative.
He then got this crazy idea that I must have rigged the kit. He said in any case I must get rid of the "child". I told him that I was definitely NOT pregnant in any way, and even if we did do something that caused me to be pregnant, I would never ever kill off my own child. That was when he punched my stomach, in the hope of causing a "miscarriage". I was in such pain the whole day after that. It was only when a female's normal cycle came a few days later that he was finally convinced. He dumped me for a pretty girl after that.
When I started my second relationship, I told myself I would never find someone who would ill-treat me. So he treated me better, but he was prone to tantrums whenever things did not go his way. Whenever he threw a tantrum, I was the only one who could handle him, as I would always be submissive and go pacify him and gave in to whatever he wanted. He could be really violent whenever he threw a tantrum. There were times when he slapped me, threw the mobile phone at me, kicked my dog and ignored me for days. I only threw a tantrum at him once - when he went to his female colleague's flat in the middle of the night when she was alone at home, bringing her food, and asking me not to call him as he would be busy.
Of course I flared up. He never even brought food to my place, whether daytime or nighttime. Which guy would do that to his girlfriend / fiancee?! I really exploded that time, only to be countered with more explosions from him and we ended up not talking to each other for days. Finally I could not take it as I missed him so much, so I apologised first, promising to trust him more. In the end, he still dumped me for an air-stewardess, who threw even more tantrums than him, but he still wanted to be with her as she is tall, pretty and elegant. So guys still do go for pretty faces after all, no matter how much a girl had done for them.
When I started on my third relationship, I was so happy that I finally found a guy who would not scream at me or hit me. Unfortunately, there were other types of problems, some too major to resolve or compromise. We were both upset that things did not work out. It is not like I did not love him. But loving someone does not mean you can spend a lifetime with the person, as it is going to be the rest of your life. Thus for now we can only be close friends. If you are to spend the rest of your life with someone, the person must be really right for you in the first place. If there were already problems before marriage, chances are there will be even more problems after marriage.
I have lots of bad luck when it comes to relationships. But I do not regret as I always feel whatever experiences I had, they are all learning paths for me. Now that I have a few failed relationships, I can finally know the type of person I want and narrow down the options when it comes to finding and meeting the right person. And after what my best friend told me today, I want someone who can love me more than I love him, so I may never suffer again.
9 comments:
When I started on my third relationship, I was so happy that I finally found a guy who would not scream at me or hit me. Unfortunately, there were other types of problems, some too major to resolve or compromise.
Firstly, it's rather unfair to have the story of your third ex-bf in the same (blog) entry that is purportedly about the "violence" aspect of your past relationships.
Secondly, no problem is too major to be settled if both persons are willing to put effort to work it out.
It won't be easy. It's either that or you're expecting an instant-noodle kind of a Perfect Guy rather than helping your bf to grow to be one.
I must put him in because he will read my blog, then come ask me why I mentioned my two previous relationships but not him. In a way he gets rather sensitive if I do not mention him, as he would think I felt he was not worth mentioning.
The problems we have were too major to be resolved, as they were due to religion, clash of ideals and maturity. He kept challenging my religion, not understanding the need for me to go to church or getting baptised. I tried so many times to explain but still he did not see the need to have a religion. Clash of ideals as in I never believe in cohabitation and pre-marital sex, but he had no qualms, as he said as long as two parties love each other, no big deal. So there were lots of arguments because he wanted me to give but I refused. And although I cannot profess I am that mature, but at least I know what I want and when I want to settle down. But he does not even know what he wants out of life and when he plans to settle down. Kept on asking if I could wait, but did not even know how long to ask me to wait. I did not wish to wait indefinitely, so in the end I gave him an ultimatum and he just chose to give up and leave.
Other than all these, he is generally a nice person, but perhaps just not ready to settle down. All these issues are rather major to me, and even though I did try to talk things out with him so that he could grow to be a "perfect" guy, things got to the stage where it became more and more difficult to hold on. Thus separating and going back to being friends could be the best thing for both of us for now.
It always baffles me how these 'abusive' guys as you put it, are always able to get the 'pretty' gals. But it seems to fit into a pattern that I see from time to time. Maybe the 'Alpha Male' aura is just simple irresistable to females.
I personally would stay away from any effort of 'nurturing' a potential significant other to be the 'ideal partner'. Change has to come from within.
I agree with you on the last point. If I really love someone, I will willingly change for the person, and vice versa. However I will not impose the changes on him. Likewise I will not like it if he impose changes on me because I want to change for someone voluntarily, and not being "forced" into changing.
To ole'wolvie: I will prefer not to use the word 'nurturing' in this situation.
Perhaps a relationship is all about helping each other to realize to his/her potential. Of course, like what you stated earlier: change has to come from within.
To Shakespeareheroine: I may be mistaken, but I've got an impression that you're not into giving your ex-bfs a second chance.
Sorry if I'm being presumptuous, but people change and the third ex-bf of yours may even have a shift of attitude--re: religion, pre-marital sex, clear idea of what he wants & when to settle down etc.
Ever consider giving him another lifeline?
It is strange that you asked me this, because a few of my friends have asked me exactly the same question. But from what I have seen so far even as a friend, I can tell his attitude still has not changed, ie still hates and challenges the idea of religion, still frivolous and fun-loving, and still has no idea when to settle down. That is why I am reluctant to start over (although I know he wants), unless he really has a change of attitude and we can finally compromise on these issues. That is not to say we may not end up together again in the future. If it is really meant to be then no matter what happens, we will still end up together. If not, then perhaps it is for the best.
I got an impression that Anonymous_X is your third ex-boyfriend...
HUH?! Where in the world you got this impression from? *lol*
To clarify, he's one of my first readers who have been reading and commenting on my blog ever since its inception around end of May. I know him as Anonymous_X, I don't even know his full name or what he looks like, but I'm grateful and appreciative for his support all these while!
I got that impression from the way he commented this article =)
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