I read a magazine article recently on the rising case of infidelity in marriages, not just for men but for women. Just like men like keeping young mistresses, women like keeping young toy boys. The article was on a woman's point of view on why she allowed herself to stray, even though she has a loving husband and wonderful children.
She felt her marriage life had become bored and routine and wanted some excitement. She thought having an affair with a younger man would put all the excitement back in her life. Her husband almost threw her out when he finally found out, but after profuse apologies and promises never to let things happen again, he forgave her but it took a while for them to really get their marriage back to normal. Reminds me of the show Unfaithful, starring Diane Lane and Richard Gere. Anyway, the last words from the lady was never to have an affair as it would only bring torment and unhappiness to the family. How true it is.
When asked how she would react if she ever find her husband unfaithful, Kate Hudson replied that as long as everything is normal at home, he can do what he wants outside but don't ever let her know about it. Hmmmmm..... One wonders if that means she will be able to just shut her eyes if her husband really have an affair? Or that it is an invitation to allow her husband to indulge in some hanky-panky?
From a female's point of view, I will find it very hard to tolerate if my partner is having an affair. This is nothing to do with not trusting my partner. He can go and have as many female friends as he like and go out with female friends, but he must know when and how to draw the line. Some girls can be very bitchy when it comes to seducing a man, whether he has a girlfriend / fiancee / wife. The moment the line is crossed, he has betrayed my trust, and I do not think I can ever find it in myself to forgive him or take him back. Afterall, it happened before, what is to guarantee it will never happen again?
I believe I am rather tolerant and understanding already. Some of my girlfriends demand to know who their guys have been out with and who they are talking to whenever they message or have a phone call. Don't these girls realise the more they mistrust their guys, the more their guys will stray? Even for my best friend, she broke up with her most recent ex was because he called other girls affectionate terms like "darling" and "honey". She said if it is just "dear" she would not mind, but one does not go around calling other girls "darling" or "honey" when one already has a girlfriend. Well.....
When some of my friends discovered that their guys have been two-timing them (and some four-timing even), the guy would immediately be kicked out of their lives. I guess I was the only one stupid enough to still stick with the guy even though he showed signs of straying. For my first ex, it was more subtle. He had been comparing me with this pretty girl in his class (the one that later became his next girlfriend after me) for a few months. He kept praising her character, looks, dress sense, upbringing, brains, etc, and said all the opposite things about me. He kept telling me to learn from the girl. I should have seen it coming from a mile away, but when one was young and immature and naive, chances are there were a lot of things one did not know how to handle.
For my second relationship, the signs were more obvious. My friends and relatives already warned me things would happen if he joined SIA. They told me stewardesses can be very bitchy and once they get their claws on someone, they would never let go of the person, especially for someone like him who is such a ladies' man. The most obvious sign was when he went over to his female colleague's place in the middle of the night when she was all alone at home, bringing her supper because she said she had not eaten much for dinner. I know because he called me to tell me where he would be and what he would be doing.
Needless to say I was a little suspicious as he never even brought me food to my home at whatever time in all those years we were together. But I was still calm until he told me he would be busy with the girl so asked me not to call him. Huh?! Busy with the girl? What did he mean by that? I did not know if anything happened that night, although he kept assuring me nothing happened, they just talked about work and the difficulties she was facing in her job. But still, which girl will be able to tolerate this? I am never one to be jealous or possessive, but for that incident, even I felt uncomfortable. Was it justifiable how I felt?
The second incident was when he was away on a three-week trip to Belgium, Japan and Los Angeles. He did not call or message me a single time. Normally he would drop me even a message during his trip to update me, even if it was just a two-day shuttle. When I finally managed to get hold of him in the middle of his trip, it was a girl who answered his phone. She sounded playful, the type of girl whom guys would drool just after hearing the voice. I would not have minded much except the fact that she interrogated me on why I called, who I was, where I was calling from, etc, like as if she was his girlfriend! I thought I should be the one asking why she was the one who picked up the phone in the first place?! When he answered the phone, he did not even explain himself but just told me not to call him, as he would call me. If he did not call, it would mean he was busy. Busy with what?!
The third incident was the last straw. I stumbled upon a letter in his room. I did not deliberately poke into his privacy, it just so happened that the letter was opened and I came across my name. So I did the bad thing - I read his letter. It was from a girl and was peppered with words like "dearest", "hunny", "darling", and it was addressed to "my one and only". The one sentence that stood out was "hope you can clear things up with [my name] soon, I would like that as well."
Well, what would any normal person think of this letter? I asked him about it casually, but he just brushed it aside saying the girl is always like that, calling people all sorts of affectionate terms, so it was really nothing. Really? I do not go around calling any guy any affectionate terms, and I do not think any of my girl friends do that as well. When I asked him about clearing something up with me, he said it was the Belgium call incident and that she was worried I would misunderstand. Oh, so it was the same girl who wrote to him! I really blew up and reminded him that his ring was still on my finger, so he jolly well made sure he knew what he was doing.
People would think I would have initiated a break-up at that time, wouldn't it? But, as I said, I was a fool to still hold on. I thought I was not trusting enough, despite all the warning signals in my mind. I told myself that I should trust that nothing happened and nothing would happen. How was I to know that just slightly more than a week later, I would be dumped for a stewardess? Not the same girl though. Which got me thinking just exactly how many girls he flirted with behind my back? Sometimes I wonder if I had just kept quiet and pretended I did not know a thing instead of confronting him, would our situation have been salvaged? I really did not want to lose him then. Should I have just shut my eyes and suffered silently? Or was I really just kicking up a fuss over nothing?
All women generally will never accept it once their partners have an affair. Perhaps because we are such highly emotional and petty creatures by nature. Maybe men are more magnanimous, but I guess men also cannot accept it if their partners have an affair. Afterall, to have an affair is to break the highest level of trust. And once the trust is broken, nothing can ever mend it back.
She felt her marriage life had become bored and routine and wanted some excitement. She thought having an affair with a younger man would put all the excitement back in her life. Her husband almost threw her out when he finally found out, but after profuse apologies and promises never to let things happen again, he forgave her but it took a while for them to really get their marriage back to normal. Reminds me of the show Unfaithful, starring Diane Lane and Richard Gere. Anyway, the last words from the lady was never to have an affair as it would only bring torment and unhappiness to the family. How true it is.
When asked how she would react if she ever find her husband unfaithful, Kate Hudson replied that as long as everything is normal at home, he can do what he wants outside but don't ever let her know about it. Hmmmmm..... One wonders if that means she will be able to just shut her eyes if her husband really have an affair? Or that it is an invitation to allow her husband to indulge in some hanky-panky?
From a female's point of view, I will find it very hard to tolerate if my partner is having an affair. This is nothing to do with not trusting my partner. He can go and have as many female friends as he like and go out with female friends, but he must know when and how to draw the line. Some girls can be very bitchy when it comes to seducing a man, whether he has a girlfriend / fiancee / wife. The moment the line is crossed, he has betrayed my trust, and I do not think I can ever find it in myself to forgive him or take him back. Afterall, it happened before, what is to guarantee it will never happen again?
I believe I am rather tolerant and understanding already. Some of my girlfriends demand to know who their guys have been out with and who they are talking to whenever they message or have a phone call. Don't these girls realise the more they mistrust their guys, the more their guys will stray? Even for my best friend, she broke up with her most recent ex was because he called other girls affectionate terms like "darling" and "honey". She said if it is just "dear" she would not mind, but one does not go around calling other girls "darling" or "honey" when one already has a girlfriend. Well.....
When some of my friends discovered that their guys have been two-timing them (and some four-timing even), the guy would immediately be kicked out of their lives. I guess I was the only one stupid enough to still stick with the guy even though he showed signs of straying. For my first ex, it was more subtle. He had been comparing me with this pretty girl in his class (the one that later became his next girlfriend after me) for a few months. He kept praising her character, looks, dress sense, upbringing, brains, etc, and said all the opposite things about me. He kept telling me to learn from the girl. I should have seen it coming from a mile away, but when one was young and immature and naive, chances are there were a lot of things one did not know how to handle.
For my second relationship, the signs were more obvious. My friends and relatives already warned me things would happen if he joined SIA. They told me stewardesses can be very bitchy and once they get their claws on someone, they would never let go of the person, especially for someone like him who is such a ladies' man. The most obvious sign was when he went over to his female colleague's place in the middle of the night when she was all alone at home, bringing her supper because she said she had not eaten much for dinner. I know because he called me to tell me where he would be and what he would be doing.
Needless to say I was a little suspicious as he never even brought me food to my home at whatever time in all those years we were together. But I was still calm until he told me he would be busy with the girl so asked me not to call him. Huh?! Busy with the girl? What did he mean by that? I did not know if anything happened that night, although he kept assuring me nothing happened, they just talked about work and the difficulties she was facing in her job. But still, which girl will be able to tolerate this? I am never one to be jealous or possessive, but for that incident, even I felt uncomfortable. Was it justifiable how I felt?
The second incident was when he was away on a three-week trip to Belgium, Japan and Los Angeles. He did not call or message me a single time. Normally he would drop me even a message during his trip to update me, even if it was just a two-day shuttle. When I finally managed to get hold of him in the middle of his trip, it was a girl who answered his phone. She sounded playful, the type of girl whom guys would drool just after hearing the voice. I would not have minded much except the fact that she interrogated me on why I called, who I was, where I was calling from, etc, like as if she was his girlfriend! I thought I should be the one asking why she was the one who picked up the phone in the first place?! When he answered the phone, he did not even explain himself but just told me not to call him, as he would call me. If he did not call, it would mean he was busy. Busy with what?!
The third incident was the last straw. I stumbled upon a letter in his room. I did not deliberately poke into his privacy, it just so happened that the letter was opened and I came across my name. So I did the bad thing - I read his letter. It was from a girl and was peppered with words like "dearest", "hunny", "darling", and it was addressed to "my one and only". The one sentence that stood out was "hope you can clear things up with [my name] soon, I would like that as well."
Well, what would any normal person think of this letter? I asked him about it casually, but he just brushed it aside saying the girl is always like that, calling people all sorts of affectionate terms, so it was really nothing. Really? I do not go around calling any guy any affectionate terms, and I do not think any of my girl friends do that as well. When I asked him about clearing something up with me, he said it was the Belgium call incident and that she was worried I would misunderstand. Oh, so it was the same girl who wrote to him! I really blew up and reminded him that his ring was still on my finger, so he jolly well made sure he knew what he was doing.
People would think I would have initiated a break-up at that time, wouldn't it? But, as I said, I was a fool to still hold on. I thought I was not trusting enough, despite all the warning signals in my mind. I told myself that I should trust that nothing happened and nothing would happen. How was I to know that just slightly more than a week later, I would be dumped for a stewardess? Not the same girl though. Which got me thinking just exactly how many girls he flirted with behind my back? Sometimes I wonder if I had just kept quiet and pretended I did not know a thing instead of confronting him, would our situation have been salvaged? I really did not want to lose him then. Should I have just shut my eyes and suffered silently? Or was I really just kicking up a fuss over nothing?
All women generally will never accept it once their partners have an affair. Perhaps because we are such highly emotional and petty creatures by nature. Maybe men are more magnanimous, but I guess men also cannot accept it if their partners have an affair. Afterall, to have an affair is to break the highest level of trust. And once the trust is broken, nothing can ever mend it back.
4 comments:
I do not think that infidelity should be tolerated. But it is interesting to note that the lady in the article 'thought' that having an affair might put spice in her life. I wonder where did the seed of this thought came from?
Having said that, what consists of an 'infidelity' may differ from person to person.
My general definition: If both parties agreed that it is ok for the others to dally with other people, then it is not an infidelity. If only one side agreed, then it is.
I hope my future lady is smart enough no to have those kind of 'thoughts'.
True, the definition differs from people to people. But infidelity essentially means being unfaithful to your partner. Not just a matter of having an affair, but even if you fall for another person or hope to be with another person, I believe that already constitutes infidelity already.
Then your current definition of infidelity is pretty broad (as in strict).
I have met some ladies in Japan who informed me that it would be perfectly all right for their husband to visit a red light district, as long as it is moderated and he does not neglect taking care of his family. But to have a emotional attachment to another woman is a definite no no. Seems these particular ladies place more weight on emotional fidelity.
Disclaimer: I do not know how many % of them think this way, but I was surprised that there are ladies who think this way.
Then these ladies are more open-minded. For me, emotional and physical fidelity are both important. Which means no visiting of red-light districts as well. This is also to prevent any spread of any form of SDTs to me or any of my family.
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