Should Parents Interfere With Their Children's Relationships?

An acquaintance just broke up with her boyfriend, the umpteenth one in four years. She is my age and fears for herself that she may be left on the shelf. She is a pretty good catch – good-looking, intelligent, well-endowed, the only child of very wealthy parents. In fact, her mother’s family owns one of the biggest local conglomerates. All throughout law school, she had a chauffeur who drove her around, and the chauffeur would wait for her until she finished classes before driving her back. Needless to say, the guys were all scared off by her status. She had a series of boyfriends after graduation, but all did not work out, the reason being whenever she brought a guy home, he had to be approved by her entire extended family before he could even think of progressing further with her. So each time anyone of her family members disapproved of the guy, she would end things. How sad. :-(

Must parents interfere in their children’s love lives? My parents also have their own ideals on what type of guy I must be with, ie someone older, more established, ready to settle down since he already had his share of fun and financially secure. My mum was never approving of any of my guys as well, not because she thinks they are bad guys, but because they are the same age as me, so not yet established. I never allowed her to interfere as it is my own choice who I want to be with. Relationships are already complicated enough without the parents giving their own two cents worth. Luckily, even though my mum would state her opinion, she will still leave the ultimate choice to me.

My friend who migrated to England had six guys before she finally met her husband. Her parents disapproved of all but the sixth one, citing the same reasons as my parents – that they were not established enough. She was supposed to marry the sixth guy as they have already gone as far as getting a flat of their own, renovating the place and even throwing a housewarming party. Alas, when her father wanted sixty tables at Shangri-La Hotel, S$2,000,000.00 worth of dowry and the groom had to foot everything for the wedding, the guy was not able to afford it and her father forbade her to marry him. She actually went against her parents’ wishes and still continued being with the guy, until she realised he would hit her when he got too stressed up. She said so many boyfriends she had, he was the only one who actually hit her, so she could not tolerate it. She said if she married him she would have a life of luxury, but would not be happy. After they ended, her father felt sorry and decided not to interfere with her affairs anymore. So now she is happily married to a Latin American with her parents’ blessings, even though she had to give up her lavish lifestyle and become a normal housewife in England.

Parents do not just interfere in their daughter’s love life, but also the son’s. Two of my guys are very close to their parents. This in itself is not wrong, as I always think it is better to find a guy who is filial. Afterall, it says a lot of his character if he is filial and respectful to his parents. However, they are too filial to the extent of being “mummy’s boys”. They listen to their parents for everything; even when going out with me, they had to go through their parents. One of them once told me that if his mum did not approve of his choice of girlfriend, he would drop her immediately. At that point in time, it seemed that his mum did not really approve of me as I was rather domestically-impaired, so he made me do the housework at his place just so his mum would be happier.

And part of the reason why my third guy suddenly did not want to get back together was because of his parents. Apparently his parents were angry with me that we ended, and thought I find him not good enough for me. It was all a misunderstanding and I have already apologised for the way things turned out, but they still think otherwise.

Another friend had a similar situation. She was introduced by her godmother to the son of her family’s friend. She said that it was not as if she did not try, but the guy and her had nothing in common at all. So after two casual dinners, she told the poor guy that they could only be friends, nothing more. The guy went home crying to his parents, and the parents got very angry with her. They called her godmother to complain that why she thought their son was not good enough for her? Was it because she had a degree and he did not so she thought herself too highly-educated for him? My friend was so upset at the accusations. She said in the first place, they only had two dinner dates, which she did not consider as officially going out as a couple, and in the second place, if she really thought him too low for her she would not have agreed to go out with him already!

Honestly, the relationship is between two parties; must others, including parents, get involved? I know parents are concerned for their children being hurt or going through a rough patch, but it is ridiculous if parents interfere with the type of girlfriends / boyfriends which the daughter / son chooses for herself / himself. After all, if I am to go out with a guy, it will just be going out with him, not with the parents. I will be the one marrying him, not his parents. Similarly, the guy only need to go out with me, not my parents (although he will be expected to turn up for some family functions as my other half). And if he is to marry me, it will be the two of us; we are not marrying each others’ parents or family members. I may sound harsh here, but if parents get involved, it will probably only make things worse for the couple in question. But then, I have never been a parent, so I will never be able to understand how they function.