I have a colleague who accepts gifts from her various male friends. The gifts range from soft toys to jewellery to free meals to flowers. She is attractive, but she is already married with one son. Her husband does not mind her accepting gifts from her male friends as he trusts her. Anyway this lady knows what she is doing.
The issue is, should a lady still accept gifts or favours from guys when she is already attached or married? Most of my friends have no qualms doing that. My good friend who is already registered still accepts rides from her primary school classmate. My friend who is getting married soon still goes clubbing with other guys, with her husband's consent. The problem is where to draw the line? And is the guy really not expecting anything more if the lady accepts his gift or favour?
I guess it all depends on the situation and the character of the guys (both the husband / boyfriend and the gift horse). If the husband or boyfriend trusts the lady wholeheartedly to be faithful (which normally most ladies will be), and the gift horse has always been a close friend to the lady, then I believe it should be pretty alright if he does her favours or give her gifts. More often than not, for such a friendship, he willingly does it without asking for anything back as he is either just a very nice person or a true friend.
During my first two relationships, I did have guys asking me out and giving me gifts. I remember on my seventeenth birthday when I was already with my first guy, this classmate of mine actually took time off after school, went all the way to my place (losing his way as a result), and deposited a birthday card with a bracelet into my letter box. I was so touched by his gesture. Comparatively, my own boyfriend then only took me out to lunch at Jack's Place at Parkway Parade, at my expense. During Christmas that year, my childhood friend specially sent over a giant Garfield plush toy, which he bought all the way from Malacca, to my place. Now this Garfield has become one of my most faithful bed companions. My first guy was not the jealous type, so it was still alright for me to accept gifts from my guy friends.
During my second relatioship, I also have guys emailing me and asking me out. There was a particular guy whom I got to know through email. He is an avid writer, so we always discussed his poems and songs. He would page for me everytime he had an inspiration and sang his newest composition into my pager. He would email me his poems and asked for my opinion on how to improve. On my nineteenth birthday, he specially met me around the law school side before my class started and presented me my birthday gift - an entire collection of poetry which he wrote just for me, plus the ones we have discussed, all bound and presented in a nice folio. I was so overwhelmed that I was rendered speechless.
There was also another guy who actually gave me his number despite knowing I was attached, and asked me to call him. I actually called him to find out exactly what he wanted, but it was just harmless, since he was already attached. He just wanted to confirm my identity as he said I looked a lot like his ex-girlfriend whom he had lost touch with. We would meet to have breakfast sometimes before going to our respective classes, and he would call me up for a chat sometimes, and he gave me a classy-looking vase on my birthday. I gave him a Parker pen engraved with his name when I heard his girlfriend was livid when he lost a Parker pen with his name which she gave to him.
However, my second boyfriend was the jealous and possessive type so after my nineteenth birthday when he realised so many guys have been emailing and giving me gifts, he threw a big tantrum and ordered me to stop all my contact with all the other guys. In order not to make him unhappy, I stopped emailing most of my contacts, except those I have grown rather close to. The poetry guy is one, my third ex's best friend is another, and these are the two whom I still keep in contact with even now. After that hooha, even when my guy friends asked me out, I did not even dare agree. A friend asked me out once and when I told my second guy about it, he threw another tantrum, accusing me of being unfaithful and why must I still go out with other guys even after I was already attached?
I honestly do not think there is anything wrong with that, even now, but in a bid to make him happier, I cut off contact with most of my guy friends. Now that I do not know that many guy friends (thus lesser choice to look around) and those whom I am close to are already mostly attached, I wonder whose fault it was? Should he have stopped me socialising in the first place? Or is it my fault that I chose to listen to him and cut off contact with all my friends? Luckily my third ex never restricted me so much, although I still gave up meeting a lot of my friends just to cater according to his schedule to ensure that I would be free for him.
All in all, I think it is no big deal for a married or attached lady to accept gifts from guys she know or go out with her guy friends, as long as she knows what she is doing, remains faithful to her partner and knows that the other guy has no other ill intentions. Afterall, males and females can be close friends even without being in a relationship. I do not understand why some people think that just because a girl and a guy always hang out together means they are a couple. That is why sometimes I think some of the locals here are either too shallow, childish or sheltered.
The issue is, should a lady still accept gifts or favours from guys when she is already attached or married? Most of my friends have no qualms doing that. My good friend who is already registered still accepts rides from her primary school classmate. My friend who is getting married soon still goes clubbing with other guys, with her husband's consent. The problem is where to draw the line? And is the guy really not expecting anything more if the lady accepts his gift or favour?
I guess it all depends on the situation and the character of the guys (both the husband / boyfriend and the gift horse). If the husband or boyfriend trusts the lady wholeheartedly to be faithful (which normally most ladies will be), and the gift horse has always been a close friend to the lady, then I believe it should be pretty alright if he does her favours or give her gifts. More often than not, for such a friendship, he willingly does it without asking for anything back as he is either just a very nice person or a true friend.
During my first two relationships, I did have guys asking me out and giving me gifts. I remember on my seventeenth birthday when I was already with my first guy, this classmate of mine actually took time off after school, went all the way to my place (losing his way as a result), and deposited a birthday card with a bracelet into my letter box. I was so touched by his gesture. Comparatively, my own boyfriend then only took me out to lunch at Jack's Place at Parkway Parade, at my expense. During Christmas that year, my childhood friend specially sent over a giant Garfield plush toy, which he bought all the way from Malacca, to my place. Now this Garfield has become one of my most faithful bed companions. My first guy was not the jealous type, so it was still alright for me to accept gifts from my guy friends.
During my second relatioship, I also have guys emailing me and asking me out. There was a particular guy whom I got to know through email. He is an avid writer, so we always discussed his poems and songs. He would page for me everytime he had an inspiration and sang his newest composition into my pager. He would email me his poems and asked for my opinion on how to improve. On my nineteenth birthday, he specially met me around the law school side before my class started and presented me my birthday gift - an entire collection of poetry which he wrote just for me, plus the ones we have discussed, all bound and presented in a nice folio. I was so overwhelmed that I was rendered speechless.
There was also another guy who actually gave me his number despite knowing I was attached, and asked me to call him. I actually called him to find out exactly what he wanted, but it was just harmless, since he was already attached. He just wanted to confirm my identity as he said I looked a lot like his ex-girlfriend whom he had lost touch with. We would meet to have breakfast sometimes before going to our respective classes, and he would call me up for a chat sometimes, and he gave me a classy-looking vase on my birthday. I gave him a Parker pen engraved with his name when I heard his girlfriend was livid when he lost a Parker pen with his name which she gave to him.
However, my second boyfriend was the jealous and possessive type so after my nineteenth birthday when he realised so many guys have been emailing and giving me gifts, he threw a big tantrum and ordered me to stop all my contact with all the other guys. In order not to make him unhappy, I stopped emailing most of my contacts, except those I have grown rather close to. The poetry guy is one, my third ex's best friend is another, and these are the two whom I still keep in contact with even now. After that hooha, even when my guy friends asked me out, I did not even dare agree. A friend asked me out once and when I told my second guy about it, he threw another tantrum, accusing me of being unfaithful and why must I still go out with other guys even after I was already attached?
I honestly do not think there is anything wrong with that, even now, but in a bid to make him happier, I cut off contact with most of my guy friends. Now that I do not know that many guy friends (thus lesser choice to look around) and those whom I am close to are already mostly attached, I wonder whose fault it was? Should he have stopped me socialising in the first place? Or is it my fault that I chose to listen to him and cut off contact with all my friends? Luckily my third ex never restricted me so much, although I still gave up meeting a lot of my friends just to cater according to his schedule to ensure that I would be free for him.
All in all, I think it is no big deal for a married or attached lady to accept gifts from guys she know or go out with her guy friends, as long as she knows what she is doing, remains faithful to her partner and knows that the other guy has no other ill intentions. Afterall, males and females can be close friends even without being in a relationship. I do not understand why some people think that just because a girl and a guy always hang out together means they are a couple. That is why sometimes I think some of the locals here are either too shallow, childish or sheltered.
4 comments:
A friend asked me out once and when I told my second guy about it, he threw another tantrum, accusing me of being unfaithful and why must I still go out with other guys even after I was already attached?
It might have been ok if your second guy was assured that he could do the same?! Asking his female friend(s) out, that is.
I'm sure your second guy meant well--regardless of his poor delivery (generous serving of tantrum & accusation). And no, I'm not Celia's second guy, mind you, o ever-suspicious readers. :|
Despite his well intention, I won't agree that he was right. I will definitely conclude that you were wrong.
By trying to make him happy (with cutting of your contacts) & not understanding the logic of doing that (because the two of you miserably failed to communicate as adults)...hmm, how shall I put it, you will just build up resentment within yourself.
It would have been just a matter of time before you dumped him, although if I remember correctly it was the other way around, yes?
hmm... yeah i also think that you both need to communicate to prevent the problems from becoming bigger.maybe thru comm, you will be able to understand why did he stop you from contacting other guys? being jealous is good, at least he bothered to care. but if u think its too extreme then talk to him about it... that's my S$0.02advice. hehehe...
wish you all the best...
Anon_X : ACtually on my part, I never restricted my guys from going out with any of their friends, be it male or female. But my second guy never went out with any girls after we got together. It was only after he joined the airline that he became such a "ladies man" and went out with different girls all the time. Perhaps you are right in that I should have just dumped him before he dumped me.
Seeking_attention_desperately : He was the jealous type and once he threw a tantrum, he would expect his girlfriend to submit to him. Being the "so much in love" fool I was then, I just listened to whatever he wanted. Thus the mistake.
But thanks for your kind words! At least it's a learning process for me on what to do and what not to do next time round.
SH: Oops...I didn't mean to imply that you iron-collared your guys either. Heh. The interrobang used in my first paragraph was meant merely for rhetorical purpose.
Post a Comment