Another mini-milestone post. My 111th post, or as what Mr J R R Tolkein will say, the "eleventy-first" post. Firstly I want to thank all of you for bearing with me. I know I have been on an emotional roller coaster these few days (or is it weeks?). I blame it on the lack of aphrodisiac to balance out my hormones. As in I feel moody and depressed, and I need a booster to make myself calm and at peace again. What are you thinking of?! A pity I still have to stay off chocolate until goodness knows when. Chocolate is always my saving grace whenever I need to adjust a serious mood swing.
Now that I am on long leave (not that long actually, but still long enough), I can seriously reflect on the events that caused this pendulum mood. One reason could be the confusion I am facing in matters of the heart. Shall I give up this one-sided affair since it still seems to be going nowhere? Or shall I persevere until it goes somewhere? How long shall I wait? Do I have to be old and gray before he finally gives me an answer? Or do I have to do what Julia Roberts did in Notting Hill, to tell Hugh Grant "I am also just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her"?
No matter how much of my heart I have given to him, I do not wish to spend my lifetime pursuing and waiting for someone with no results. I used to admire those heroines in books, where they can await their loved ones forever. I used to think I would be like this, but what happens in books do not parallel reality. I want to be married ultimately, bring up children and see them grow up well and establish themselves.
In a way I am rather disappointed. There are some who claimed they love me, yet are not willing to persevere or compromise just because there are certain obstacles in the way. I always feel obstacles are there to test you and once you can overcome them, the relationship will be so much better and more smooth-sailing as you will really learn to appreciate each other better. I do not mind passing the hardest hurdle for someone I love, yet others are not willing to cross any hurdles for me.
Which makes me wonder how much they really love me, despite their claims. Romeo and Juliet were willing to elope and die for each other. Antony was willing to bear hell and fire for Cleopatra. Sometimes I find it so ironical that with all the arranged marriages of olden times, couples married without love yet were more able to stay together for life as compared to the modern couples of liberal free love.
Is it really so hard to find someone who can truly love and be with me? Is it so hard to find someone to accept all the love I am willing to give? I really wonder how my friends do it that they can find their lifelong happiness just after 1 or 2 failed relationships. Am I really such a bad person that no one is willing to be with me?
Now that I am on long leave (not that long actually, but still long enough), I can seriously reflect on the events that caused this pendulum mood. One reason could be the confusion I am facing in matters of the heart. Shall I give up this one-sided affair since it still seems to be going nowhere? Or shall I persevere until it goes somewhere? How long shall I wait? Do I have to be old and gray before he finally gives me an answer? Or do I have to do what Julia Roberts did in Notting Hill, to tell Hugh Grant "I am also just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her"?
No matter how much of my heart I have given to him, I do not wish to spend my lifetime pursuing and waiting for someone with no results. I used to admire those heroines in books, where they can await their loved ones forever. I used to think I would be like this, but what happens in books do not parallel reality. I want to be married ultimately, bring up children and see them grow up well and establish themselves.
In a way I am rather disappointed. There are some who claimed they love me, yet are not willing to persevere or compromise just because there are certain obstacles in the way. I always feel obstacles are there to test you and once you can overcome them, the relationship will be so much better and more smooth-sailing as you will really learn to appreciate each other better. I do not mind passing the hardest hurdle for someone I love, yet others are not willing to cross any hurdles for me.
Which makes me wonder how much they really love me, despite their claims. Romeo and Juliet were willing to elope and die for each other. Antony was willing to bear hell and fire for Cleopatra. Sometimes I find it so ironical that with all the arranged marriages of olden times, couples married without love yet were more able to stay together for life as compared to the modern couples of liberal free love.
Is it really so hard to find someone who can truly love and be with me? Is it so hard to find someone to accept all the love I am willing to give? I really wonder how my friends do it that they can find their lifelong happiness just after 1 or 2 failed relationships. Am I really such a bad person that no one is willing to be with me?
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