It is funny how love functions. Sometimes you can fall for the most unlikely person. Love and relationships do not come easily to me, otherwise I would have fallen in love with just about every guy I know. I have a lot of very good and close friends who are guys. I have known them for years, 15 to 20 years in fact, yet I have never seriously considered any of them. One is my godbrother, another one is a guy I met during a primary school camp, yet another is the brother of my senior in primary school (ironically I am closer to the brother yet I have known the sister much longer). We have kept in contact all these while and still go out together once in a while. Strangely, I have never fallen for any guy I know for more than 15 years, although love is supposed to spring from close friendship.
But once I fall in love, it comes instantaneously. I can have absolutely no feelings for a guy today, yet the next day my feelings can suddenly surface with no warning. Just like my current situation. It is pretty miserable being one-sided though, especially since I still cannot tell how he really feels towards me. Sometimes I wonder, is it better to be with someone who loves you more, or someone you love more? My mum will say to find a guy who loves me more, then I can be guaranteed happiness, as he will willingly tolerate my bad points, absolutely adore my good points, and do everything in his power to make sure I live a happy life. Alas, I have never managed to find such a guy, although I will really love to. Which lady does not like to be loved wholeheartedly and pampered by the guy she is with?
But is it fair to him if I do not have much feelings for him? On the other hand, if I go with someone I love more, although I will do absolutely everything in my power to make him happy and blissful, will I get happiness in return? I was so in love with 2 of my ex-boyfriends that I really tried my very best to keep the relationships going and did everything I could to make them happy. But what did I get in the end? Being jilted, unfaithfulness, heartbreak, and flood of tears shed over truly unworthy guys, which was partly why I am in such a dire situation right now. Ironically, they were the ones who came after me first, yet somehow I ended up being the one who love more.
My secondary school is situated directly opposite a boys' school. Both schools are run by the same mission, mine the Sisters of the Holy Infant Jesus, and the boy's school by the Franciscan Brothers. There is a bridge separating the schools which leads to bus-stops outside the respective schools. The bridge itself is called the "Love Bridge", although I had no idea who first came up with the name. My friend (the brother of my senior) was studying in the boys' school when I was studying in the girls' school. And since we were from the same batch, we would meet up often to discuss school work, exchange papers and catch up. He used to tutor me in Additional Mathematics, Physics and Chinese while I would help him with Literature and English. Since his classes always ended an hour before mine, he would wait for me outside my school. Needless to say, I had to endure merciless teasing by my peers. I had a hard time explaining to everyone that he and I were (and still are) not going out as a couple. But I used to envy those girls in my school who have their boyfriends waiting for them outside the school all the time. And of course, most of the guys were from the school across the street. I used to think how blissful it would be to have a guy who seriously loves you wholeheartedly. Now so many years later, I still want a guy who can seriously love me and whom I will really really love.
One of my girlfriends who got registered last year had been with her husband for nine years. They started off when they were still in secondary school and had really stuck with each other through thick and thin. How sweet and blissful. I always wished I can be like that too. I used to think my first boyfriend would be my life partner, then when we ended, I thought the next one would be the one I ended up marrying. And we almost did marry each other. There were already talks of him saving up to buy a diamond ring for me, formally asking for my hand to my parents, and all our friends knew a wedding would take place any time soon. Yet when I flew off to Sydney to attend my cousin's wedding for a week, I came back to find the relationship ended. Just like that, without warning. He did not even dare to tell me in the face! He asked my best friend to drop the bombshell after I returned.
I really yearn for a good man whom I can settle down with. Perhaps you may think I am desperate or cheap or such a loser, but I do not ask for much in life. I do not need a booming or flourishing career, or lots of money. I just want true love and a relationship that can last. My career and money will not be with me for life. These are just material things that may be gone at the blink of an eye. I want to be able to grow old, raise children and have grandchildren with someone I love. And I wish he will pass on before me so I can take the suffering upon myself, and he would not endure the pain and sadness if I pass on before he does.
But once I fall in love, it comes instantaneously. I can have absolutely no feelings for a guy today, yet the next day my feelings can suddenly surface with no warning. Just like my current situation. It is pretty miserable being one-sided though, especially since I still cannot tell how he really feels towards me. Sometimes I wonder, is it better to be with someone who loves you more, or someone you love more? My mum will say to find a guy who loves me more, then I can be guaranteed happiness, as he will willingly tolerate my bad points, absolutely adore my good points, and do everything in his power to make sure I live a happy life. Alas, I have never managed to find such a guy, although I will really love to. Which lady does not like to be loved wholeheartedly and pampered by the guy she is with?
But is it fair to him if I do not have much feelings for him? On the other hand, if I go with someone I love more, although I will do absolutely everything in my power to make him happy and blissful, will I get happiness in return? I was so in love with 2 of my ex-boyfriends that I really tried my very best to keep the relationships going and did everything I could to make them happy. But what did I get in the end? Being jilted, unfaithfulness, heartbreak, and flood of tears shed over truly unworthy guys, which was partly why I am in such a dire situation right now. Ironically, they were the ones who came after me first, yet somehow I ended up being the one who love more.
My secondary school is situated directly opposite a boys' school. Both schools are run by the same mission, mine the Sisters of the Holy Infant Jesus, and the boy's school by the Franciscan Brothers. There is a bridge separating the schools which leads to bus-stops outside the respective schools. The bridge itself is called the "Love Bridge", although I had no idea who first came up with the name. My friend (the brother of my senior) was studying in the boys' school when I was studying in the girls' school. And since we were from the same batch, we would meet up often to discuss school work, exchange papers and catch up. He used to tutor me in Additional Mathematics, Physics and Chinese while I would help him with Literature and English. Since his classes always ended an hour before mine, he would wait for me outside my school. Needless to say, I had to endure merciless teasing by my peers. I had a hard time explaining to everyone that he and I were (and still are) not going out as a couple. But I used to envy those girls in my school who have their boyfriends waiting for them outside the school all the time. And of course, most of the guys were from the school across the street. I used to think how blissful it would be to have a guy who seriously loves you wholeheartedly. Now so many years later, I still want a guy who can seriously love me and whom I will really really love.
One of my girlfriends who got registered last year had been with her husband for nine years. They started off when they were still in secondary school and had really stuck with each other through thick and thin. How sweet and blissful. I always wished I can be like that too. I used to think my first boyfriend would be my life partner, then when we ended, I thought the next one would be the one I ended up marrying. And we almost did marry each other. There were already talks of him saving up to buy a diamond ring for me, formally asking for my hand to my parents, and all our friends knew a wedding would take place any time soon. Yet when I flew off to Sydney to attend my cousin's wedding for a week, I came back to find the relationship ended. Just like that, without warning. He did not even dare to tell me in the face! He asked my best friend to drop the bombshell after I returned.
I really yearn for a good man whom I can settle down with. Perhaps you may think I am desperate or cheap or such a loser, but I do not ask for much in life. I do not need a booming or flourishing career, or lots of money. I just want true love and a relationship that can last. My career and money will not be with me for life. These are just material things that may be gone at the blink of an eye. I want to be able to grow old, raise children and have grandchildren with someone I love. And I wish he will pass on before me so I can take the suffering upon myself, and he would not endure the pain and sadness if I pass on before he does.
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